“I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.”
Robert A. Heinlein
There is a currently a copy of The Cookie Bible resting in the front seat of my car. For several days now, the local library has been demanding that the book be returned, specifying “in good condition” as if they suspect the tardiness is due to some terrible biblioabuse. The library that banished late fees is threatening fines. My response: I’ll get to it soon.
Eight years ago, my boyfriend borrowed The Power of Habit from the same library. A week before it was due, I began panicking. The book had been misplaced. For the three weeks between when the book went missing and when it was discovered at the nearby coffee shop, my life was consumed with anxiety. As soon as he retrieved the book, he dropped it off at the library counter and paid the $0.30 fine. I stood beside him hyperventilating. The woman behind the desk assured me it happened all the time. I didn’t believe her.
When coloring as a child, I would meticulously trace the inner edge of the black lines and work my way inward so there was no risk of coloring outside the lines. When crossing a busy street, I would wait my turn to enter the intersection to avoid stepping even an inch outside the white line. When my boyfriend suggested we do something spontaneous, my now infamous reply was, “Okay, let’s plan for next Saturday!” For as long as I can remember, my life has revolved around people-pleasing, rule-following, and avoiding faux pas. Instinctively, I grasp at any sense of control.
Last weekend, I crossed a street without minding the lines. In fact, I crossed despite the flashing red hand warning against it. And guess what. Nothing happened. No one popped out from behind a bush to scold me. The world didn’t end.
We’re currently out of our home, so visiting the library requires a special trip. A decade ago, I would have driven the fifteen miles to return the book before it’s due date. Today, I understand the weight of various choice. There are real consequences to poor diet and lack of sleep. The repercussion of returning a library book a week late, on the other hand, are less severe. Sure, there’s a tinge of guilt for making someone else wait. But it’s okay.
Going back to Heinlein’s quote: “I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.” So, what is moral responsibility, anyways? To be held accountable for an action, a person must be thinking rationally, have performed (or not performed) an action, be acting of their own free will, and have knowledge of the consequence.
I am morally responsible for the overdue library book, and I have knowingly chosen to break the rules. However, the delayed return is not an act of rebellion, but instead an act of self-kindness.
While I wouldn’t go as far as to say rules are made to be broken, I do believe they are allowed to be broken. We are not perfect, and rules are largely arbitrary. The effects of our actions exist across a spectrum and I am slowly learning to focus my energy on areas of greater impact.
The last eight years of my life have been lived in low-battery mode, so I have been forced to pick and chose my battles. Illness has granted me clarity. It has given me the ability to say, “that’s not important” and “perhaps this can wait.” It has taught me the freedom that can be found in letting go of the little things.
You can find more from me on my personal blog: https://existentialergonomics.com/
The Heart of the Matter 
I had to laugh at, “Okay, let’s plan for next Saturday!” And I love how you explained Heinlein’s quote, and defined what moral responsibility is. Ie: you’re taking responsibility for returning the book late, but you’re balancing a minor inconvenience to someone else with the need for self-care. I love that you address that, because I think some folks swing the other way. It’s all about them. But for those of us who are prone to always think about the other fellow, sometimes to the hurt of our own health, finding that balance is really important. Great post, Erin! 🤍
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Oh, I’ve been teased about that for nine years now! In Myers-Briggs, I am (or was) 100% Judger (plans, order, organization) and my brain couldn’t wrap itself around “mystery activity at unplanned time,” so I grasped at “mystery activity at planned time” haha!! Yes, that’s exactly what I was hoping to get across… the balance between self-care and consideration of others. Thanks, Kendra! 🤍
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I’m still laughing about “biblioabuse.” But it’s not keeping me from nodding along in agreement. I like the rules – but developing discernment about what truly matters has freed me in so many ways. Because there are not only the written rules but the unwritten rules and on and on. I love how you prioritize the impact to yourself and others in this great post, Erin! Thank you!
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It was so funny to see the shift in tone from the library messages! Similarly, I appreciate rules and guidelines, but discerning where it may be alright to deviate has been so powerful and freeing for me. Thank you, Wynne!
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So good, Erin – and I was going to mention ‘biblioabuse’, too. What fun! We’re making up words again…at least I think so? Maybe the crimes against books are so wanton…that it’s an actual word? LOL! Your post reminded me of something Wynne wrote — I think it was Wynne – about the power of harnessing ‘discernment’ to decide what matters…and if it does, how much weight to give ‘the mattering’. Cheers to you for finding your pick-and-choose path! 😘😘😘
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Thank you, Vicki! Yes, I’m all about making up words! 😉 Yes, I remember that post from Wynne, and I love the idea of not only discerning what matters, but measuring it along a spectrum. 😊
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When my sister was fighting kidney cancer she learned to do the things that brought her great joy and rebel against the rest. Returning an overdue book would have been on her rebel list I am sure.
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It’s a great way to live, and sometimes it takes those extraordinary circumstances to figure it out.
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I LOVED this. I could have written this. I recognized myself in every line 🙂 I love hearing other authors tell ‘my’ story. I particularly loved “Okay, let’s plan for next Saturday!” I don’t DO spontaneous but I AM working on learning to colour outside the lines 🤓 Thank you so much for this!!! 🙏🙏🙏💕
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Oh, Patti! I’m so glad that it resonated with you, and that I’m not alone! 🙂 Here’s to us all getting a little more comfortable coloring outside the lines. 🎉
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🙂🙏💕
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Oh boy—you took me back to my 5-year old self and the terror I felt because the Wizard of Oz was a month overdue. There were nightmares involved—I was going to jail. I wanted to return it and pay the fine, but my allowance didn’t cover it so the debt kept growing. Yep. Debtor’s prison for me. I am so with you for the early-rules following. Now I’m willing to let them slide just a little, so long as nobody gets hurt (or inconvenienced) in the process. “… the delayed return is not an act of rebellion, but instead an act of self-kindness.” I’m adopting that as my new motto. Thanks!
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Oh my goodness, Julia! I recall similar feelings as a child of things that now seem so trivial, but it’s a gift to recognize that it’s okay to let some things slide. Cheers to the new motto! 🎉
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The older I get the more willing I have become to “color outside of the lines” in many ways, usually ones that only truly impact me and my own sense of rule-breaking… but not always! I think we set ourselves up for failure when we become so strict about life that as you note Erin, the self care and self worth get lost in what we feel MUST be done. Prioritize isn’t a bad word, even when it means doing what’s best for yourself before someone else some of the time.
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Deb, you capture the essence of my post so aptly: “we set ourselves up for failure when we become so strict about life that..self care and self worth get lost in what we feel MUST be done.” Thank you for such a thoughtful and insightful comment!
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Picking and choosing our battles. I think more and more that’s what life is all about. What rules or battles are important? Ok, we’ll be sure to make them a priority, a library book, um no big deal. The challenge for us is to get there. When you mentioned the library book, I had to laugh. When my wife broke her hand recently, the library book she had was misplaced by the ambulance crew who helped her. We’re worriers so we both worried about how much it would cost to replace it. Turns out, it was actually very little. We both laughed at ourselves. Yes, some rules definitely need broken!
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It seems most of us are the type to worry about overdue books, or at least recovering from such a disposition. 🤣😂🤣 It’s so true that the essence of life is picking and choosing our battles… the further back we step, the more trivial some of those once-big issues seem. Thanks for joining the conversation, Brian!
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As someone with a chronic health condition I can relate to the need to be kind to yourself and the need to decide what’s important. It’s a balance between looking after yourself and following the rules. We have free will, and we decide what rules to follow and which can be bent/broken. Libraries wouldn’t imposed fines/penalties for late books if this wasn’t a regular occurrence. I remember once, as a atudent, a friend let the fines build up – saying it was cheaper than buying the books.
We need to put ourselves, our health and wellbeing first
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Brenda, you day it succinctly: “We need to put ourselves, our health and wellbeing first.” That’s so true and, whether fortunately or unfortunately, chronic health conditions tend to impose that lesson on us.
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I get the bending rules sometimes. But who decides which rules should be bent and when? How do we determine the biggies vs the littles? If you keep doing littlest does it lead you to think bogs are no big deal? I wrote a post today about whether drivers should be monitored after a certain age. I spoke of a person who was told by her doctor not to drive, but the person feels they can. Is it ok to real a doctors rule because you think it’s ok and it’s better for you? Nice post with lots of thoughts involved
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You offer some great food for thought, LA. I read that post can couldn’t help but think about my late grandmother, who only drove a few miles in her late age, but terrified us in doing so. On the other hand, a cardiologist once advised I stop driving after fainting once due to low blood pressure. Where is the threshold and who decides? It’s rarely clear-cut.
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Exactly. Which is why we have too many rules because people think they know what’s best, but let’s face it, rarely are clear headed when it concerns their abilities. My friends daughters boyfriend had a seizure of some sort on Christmas. He went to a specialist who can’t figure out why it happened, so he can’t drive for six months. Is that being overly cautious? Maybe. But we don’t know until something bad happens
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“So, what is moral responsibility, anyways?” That’s a great question for which I have no immediate answer. I do know that what’s important at one point in your life becomes irrelevant later, and vice versa. I don’t think you’re being morally irresponsible when you change your ways, maybe just refining yourself to become the best version of yourself, as your situations change and priorities shift.
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Ally, you’re right about this: “what’s important at one point in your life becomes irrelevant later, and vice versa.” As we learn and grow, we’re able to refine our values, and have the confidence to make decisions in accordance with those values.
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This really hit home with me. I used to be so compliance oriented (I was even a Compliance Officer toward the end of my career….eye roll.) Family death, personal illness, aging and experience has really lightened my load. I’ve become more willing and able to break rules over time, especially if no one get’s hurt in the process (HOA rules anyone?)
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I’m happy to hear this resonated with you, Tracey. Yes, the more experiences we have in life, the clearer is becomes what matters are what doesn’t. HOA rules are definitely low on my list!
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