A few weeks ago Brenda, who writes at Curiosities, Castles and Coffee Shops wrote a great post about logic versus emotion and the ways in which she is influenced by both. She talked specifically about how she believes that allowing her emotional side to prevail brings her greater happiness, a sense of balance and significantly less stress. From the comments she received, I think a great many writers and readers felt the same.
I felt the opposite however, and shared that with her, noting just how far to the logical side I fall. I wouldn’t use the words cold or even emotionless, but I would say I can be detached, reserved in what I outwardly show, and definitely a person of the head rather than the heart. Too much emotion- not by others at all- but allowing myself to embrace that side, leaves me unbalanced, full of stress and wanting to retreat.
I have been working to reflect on my childhood, working to understand the connections between that time, those experiences and the person I am today. I believe that there are patterns and behaviors that followed me into adulthood based on what I experienced as a child. Those patterns impacted my learned behaviors- turning into self-preservation measures and a child’s way to cope.
As a very young child. I remember terror knowing that I had to be alone in my bedroom in the dark. I had a small light turned on each night but I also had a knack for imagining all sorts of things hiding in the shadows created by that light. I was very young, maybe four and this was the era when Dr. Spock, or some expert, decided that kids needed to “cry it out” at bedtime. Parents were instructed not to coddle, not to check or reassure and most definitely not remove the child and take them into bed with mom or dad. Couple that advice with a mom who was dealing with emotional and mental health issues, in the early stages of alcoholism and who was very emotionally detached in general. For a long time, night after night I would cry, and also cry out for some one to come in.
Over time I did manage to get over my fears yet I learned that by showing fear and crying, both truly negative emotions to my mom, my needs wouldn’t be met. I was ignored. As I grew I found that pattern emerging over and over with mom. There was no room to be sad, scared, worried. Even the positive emotions were frowned upon. Laughing with my dad as he gave me rides on his back around the house elicited frowns. Coming home with a school project filled with praise and comments of good work, along with my smile full of pride, garnered little more than a passing glance.
So I wonder if all of those experiences play a meaningful part in my discomfort now with really letting my emotions show? I think I’ve hung on to that feedback loop that was so apparent as I grew up. I know I learned eventually not to react, basically to keep a neutral affect no matter what because emotions just weren’t okay.
I wanted to talk about this today, given my post last week here on The Heart of The Matter regarding creativity. I have been reflecting on these words by Sylvia Plath: “The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.” While Brenda wrote in her recent post about allowing her emotional side to enhance her writing creativity, I wrote last week about my focused purpose when it comes to writing and also about my doubt surrounding what being a writer really means. I suspect that there is a correlation between my struggles to show all sides of myself and the doubt I allow myself to feel as a writer.
As I’ve thought more about what it means to create I’ve realized that there are many ways we use our creative talents. Creativity can focus on music, or arts, or writing, and perhaps those are influenced by emotions or our heart side. Creativity can also be found in the ability to innovate, to seek solutions for problems, to organize and lead, to imagine new theories, even to an essential focused interest in asking philosophical questions. I think of those areas as my head side which embraces the practical. I tend not to experience very much self-doubt when my head leads. I’m okay with that path, that of the head before the heart. It was the main example that I was raised with and where I feel most myself.
Rather than look at the unemotional side of me as a barrier to creation, an insurmountable wall, I think I would rather see the creative logic as a thin line growing into a larger crack in the wall. As I work away to make the opening bigger using all my logic tools I like having options that allow me to show both a logical and/or emotional side and use what seems to fit at the time. I want to be comfortable with who I am yet I can look forward to what may be waiting on the other side if I manage to make that line wide enough to fit through.
The Heart of the Matter 
I love this insight, Deb: “I believe that there are patterns and behaviors that followed me into adulthood based on what I experienced as a child. Those patterns impacted my learned behaviors- turning into self-preservation measures and a child’s way to cope.” Such a powerful statement and one that I understand. 💗
And I love the imagery of the ‘thin line’ growing larger, expanding with your insight and self-awareness. Thank you so much for sharing. 💗
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Thank you my dear, I know that you get all of this… Self reflection is a useful tool. It’s good to be beyond the misunderstanding and hurt, seeing mom for who she was and knowing why-mostly.
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Oh my goodness yes. I think one of your phrases — in and of itself has been my salvation…”seeing mom for who she was and knowing why – mostly.” Thank you, dear Deb. 🥰
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It has taken me a long time to get there…
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🥰
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I love this post for the many deep truths you reveal. Childhood patterns dominating our creativity? Yep! Self-doubt as a barrier for creativity? Yep! And how we can both celebrate our patterns and change them as we understand them. Yep!
I love your head creativity – and I love your heart creativity, Deb! Both are so beautiful and inspirational. ❤
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Thank you Wynne! You always have the kindest words 🙂 Now if I could just figure out how to write a piece of fiction in the style of an academic research paper I would be golden 😉
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If there’s anyone who could figure out how to do that – it would be you! 🙂 ❤
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Pretty sure those days are behind me 😉
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What a beautiful logical but heartfelt piece of writing. I’m also deeply honoured that you would reference my work in your own – thank you so much 🌻
I think you have an abundance of creativity. We all have to tap into what drives our creativity, and we need to be comfortable in ourselves. I agree with you completely that the influences from our childhood leave lasting scars and share who we become. I think we’re all working our own way through our own experiences and find ways to protect ourselves from being hurt.
Sending you hugs 💜 I’ll be emotional for us both. Bx
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Thank you Brenda! Your post gave me the kick-start to look at my writing and bring the past forward. I will always reside mostly with where I am comfortable as a writer, but also be happy when bits of heartfelt feelings enter into whatever shows up on the screen 🙂
Thank you for the hugs as well- and yes- you run with the emotions!
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I am creative but I do so using a process. I write from my head then run it by my heart to make sure I’ve explained how I feel, too. The thinking part is directly from my childhood, the feeling part is what I’ve learned as an adult. For me it’s the swing between the two extremes that helps me find the middle where my truth is. And truth seems to be directly correlated to creativity.
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I like the way you describe balancing the two Ally. Truth – perfect word for what I think we’re all searching for
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Yes, agreed. I run across blogs and after reading have no idea who or what the person writing would really be like in person. I want to know the person, not a persona. It’s about being real!
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Yes! This goes back to my comment (whenever that was) about your skill at curating your posts. This is the underneath layer that we as readers don’t necessarily know about but it’s evident when you hit publish. Ally Bean, you explained you so very well and I am adopting the use of “truth” along with authenticity as a moniker for my writing. I like honesty as well. Now I am having a moment whereby I think, when I did my blog rename, I should have gone with something like “The Honestly Truthful, Authentic Me” blog. 🙂 I wonder if it’s too late to change it…again 😉
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Thanks for the compliments. I tend be truthful, sometimes to my own detriment, but I mean well. Deb, I’m laughing about your next potential blog name. If that resonates with you, and you think people will remember that name, then go for it. Gotta keep your readers on their toes– and that’s the truth. 🤓
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Ever the supportive friend you are Ally Bean! I’ll keep the name tucked away for now but if the blog shows up one day with the new name I can blame it on aging perhaps…forgetfulness…a senior moment…
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It’s incredible and astonishing how our childhood experiences shape our later life. The crying it out approach is definitely a divisive one, regardless of which camp you sit on.
The discussion around emotion vs logic is an interesting one, Deb. I try to balance both depending on the situation, but often do find I respond by emotion a lot when instinct and immediacy are required.
There really isn’t a one size fits all approach to life – and thank goodness for that! 🙂
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I was keenly aware of how the past influenced my role as a parent. There was so much I didn’t want to do Ab. I admit to times that crying it out was used with my own kids- typically in the meltdown, tantrum moments when reason was lost and it was best to step away, but not when there was truly fear or hurt.
We seem to spend our lives balancing things don’t we, with try being the operative word most of the time 😉
You have the best outlook in knowing that there is no one way as you parent T for example and that can carry through to every aspect of life. I hope, even though I’m getting older I can maintain a sense of balance about most things. Stumbling at my age can be dangerous 😉
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Creativity of thought isn’t necessarily tied to emotion. I think that you were looking for control (and to stay safe) and that keeping your emotions in check was a logical reaction to those needs. Now it’s part of who you are.
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Well I know it’s not tied to me- the emotional part I mean! Control and safety was a huge part of growing up, figuring out how to manage with parents who couldn’t. I can’t imagine who I might be had I lived a different childhood. This is all that I know- there’s no concept of anything else really, but maybe I would be better equipped to write a great, uplifting novel 😉
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This is such a well-thought out and interesting topic, Deb. It’s truly astonishing how much our childhood can impact us into adulthood. I had great parents and still ended up with some quirks and neuroses.
The beauty of writing, art, and creativity in general is the flexibility. It can be rooted in emotion or logic, or anywhere along that spectrum. I follow researchers, poets, bloggers and all manner of writers and love them equally, so long as they’re staying true to themselves. And I simply love your analogy of the growing crack in the wall. The catchphrase of an old blog of mine was “the subjective perspective of an analytical optimist”… like you, my brain gravitates toward logic and patterns; like you, I’ve spent many years chipping away the wall to let in a bit more emotion. It’s helped me find a balance between feeling safe and feeling connected, and the crack keeps growing, ever so gradually… as I suspect it is for you, too. 🙂
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Thank you Erin! We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t have a few quirks I think 😉
Love the old catchphrase! Have you ever written specifically to define it more as it applies to you? It would be a great blog post 🙂
Love this line: “It’s helped me find a balance between feeling safe and feeling connected…”. Blogging has been that for me for sure and given me an outlet to be myself in whatever way the words want to present themselves.
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I like the idea of exploring what the the catchphrase meant. That could be a really interesting exercise!
Yes, blogging is such a great medium and platform for that self-exploration, as well as connecting with new friends. 🙂
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I am clearly ruled by logic to the point of being told I am cold and lack emotion. It’s definitely a survival instinct in part to my upbringing, but also because I’ve seen people do really stupid things because they didn’t prepare for things, or refused to see a situation for what it was. I don’t apologize for how I am…it’s just how I am
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I have had the judgment as well but in a more subtle way. I think if folks want to see emotion being rude might allow me to show them what my emotions can look like 😉
This means a lot to me: I’ve seen people do really stupid things because they didn’t prepare for things, or refused to see a situation for what it was.” especially the last part. I would like to feel a bit more balanced in what I portray outwardly, but logic will mostly likely come out on top. You are kind to yourself and to me with the reminder to be who I am. Thank LA 🙂
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💗💗💗💗💗
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Ah, good old Dr. Spock. He messed with a lot of delicate young psyches, and later admitted that he was wrong in his belief cry-it-out approach. During the Spock years, he was the end-all be-all authority on child raising, and as a gullible, inexperienced young mother at the time, I drank the Kool Aid. I regret it to this day.
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I’m sure Dr. Spock is among quite a few authorities who have backtracked over the years as ideas and intentions seem to come and go and be replaced with updated versions Julia. I know being raised in that environment carried over into my own early parenting at times. I had to self-correct quickly 🙂
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How fortunate for your little one(s) that you were wise enough at the time to recognize the need for correction. I’m sure that you are all the better for it.
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I hope they remain undamaged! I proudly think they are pretty great people, thanks 90% to themselves 😉
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A most interesting post, Deb. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Speaking from my own perspective, I was overprotected as a child to the point where I feel that it made me, in large part, the anxious, emotional person that I am today. I have put some of those emotions to work in my writing but the anxious part of me is relutant to put that writing to the test and take the final step toward getting the work published. We are who we are, for whatever reason, and it’s not always easy to get the head and the heart to work in tandem.
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So well said Sue, regarding getting all parts of ourselves to work together as one entity! I can see your perspective as well, being raised in a very different environment than mine and how it may actually heighten emotion responses as an adult. Whether you ever publish or not, the words are down and I hope have helped you to reflect. We don’t have to write for anyone but ourselves and I fully embrace that as well 🙂
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Excellent post.
With age I now tend to go with the head.
It might look cold to others, but it works for me.
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Maybe it’s simply that we know it’s time to be practical in how we approach life, especially given how quickly or unexpectedly things change.
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I agree that our childhood experiences can influence us for the rest of our lives! If we want to get past that, we have to first acknowledge what happened and how we responded to it. Only then can we move forward, attempting to leave the emotional baggage behind, I think. Creativity can help, whether it comes from emotion or logic. Or at least that’s what I think. Thanks for this thought-provoking post!
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Oh Ann, thank you for reading! I spent a great deal of time ignoring the baggage, but as you say, it had to be acknowledged and understood for what it was and why it happened. The emotional detachment I surrounded myself with is a hard habit to break so I try to be aware of it, sort of letting it sit on my shoulder and give me nudges as needed 😉
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I saved the Sylvia Plath quote again on something I copied yesterday out of one of Dan Milman’s books. It’s based in numerology and explains that self doubt was, in fact, something I was here to work on in this lifetime. It resonates since we are a generation raised by a generation that found emotions unacceptable. I can’t imaging growing up they way they did because it was even worse for so many. Logic is underrated by many. Like you, I think every word and decision through ad nauseam. But my heart is always in the game with the final decision. No one else gets to see any of that because it’s mine. I picked up a saying many years ago that applies to our deep desires and emotions. “Don’t tell the trolls”. We keep who we are to ourselves and only share when we feel safe. That’s why memoir is so hard for some to publish but a novel with the exact same story is easier. I’m very wordy tonight. Avoiding.
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It has taken most of my life to let go of a good portion of the self-doubt.
Others have commented on just what you mention, being raised in a family that rarely showed emotion and even though mom could have won the grand prize I know she learned from watching and experiencing the same. I have come to figure out her levels of feeling unsafe probably were at maximum as a child and even a young adult. Of course that gets passed on until someone is able to break the cycle. I have tried really hard to do that for my kids.
I’m glad you felt up to reading and writing tonight so be as wordy as you like. You say avoiding…?????
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I thought about writing my blog or sewing. Decided to hide from the kitchen. 🙂 🙂
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🙂
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