The Friendship Village

Posted on by Deb

I suspect we all realize that when we consider growth, no matter what aspect of our life we happen to be focused on, there is a realization that growth means action. Doing the same thing over and over, sitting and wanting things to happen but ignoring the effort needed to make things happen, or even simply wishing and hoping for change really isn’t the way to achieve a significant level of growth. George Bernard Shaw said exactly that in a much more succinct way than I just did:

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

My simple, personal growth philosophy absolutely includes action, but also makes certain that there is intent. There must be an interest in and willingness to learn, expand, and broaden who you are, what you know and how you impact others in your life. Without intent, I’m unsure if change will really have long-term growth potential.

Today I wanted to share a bit from author Jennie Allen, specifically from her book Finding Your People. I ran across this book in a used bookstore bargain bin quite some time ago and didn’t even actually look inside but the title intrigued me. Once I opened the book, and I must be honest here, I realized that Allen embraces significantly different viewpoints and beliefs than my own, yet I was drawn to quite a few places in her book as she spoke about connection. Specifically Allen talks about friendship and connection as “growing a village.”

Her words gave me time to reflect on friendships both past and present. I see a parallel between her use of the word connection in growing friendships and my own instinct that calls for intent and action as a means towards personal growth. Both views boil down to making something happen. So ultimately, to grow the village that we want to surround ourselves with we have to be willing to put ourselves out there, put ourselves where people are- perhaps in an environment of shared interests or purpose. It helps to do that consistently. A one-and-done sort of mindset probably isn’t going to grow a broad base if that’s what you hope to achieve. 

I took to heart Allen’s words about just how tough growing your own village can be because connecting for some of us is difficult. Putting yourself out there and then being authentic and honest and open might just be too much. We all like our comfort zones and I love my routines, but that takes me right back to sitting and waiting for others to make things happen, aka: inaction on my part. She asks two very simple questions of her readers. 

“Do you live guarded out of fear?” To which I pondered over what that fear might be-

“Are you waiting for connections to find you rather than initiating?” There’s that intent and action thing again!

These are two very useful, and I think insightful questions…and not just in the context of building friendships either!

Before I close I wanted to share one last bit from Allen on friendship. She details her concept of the perfect friendship village. By the way- she does not advocate necessarily for huge circles of friends, but does encourage at least one of each of these if you seek to grow those who surround you.

Sage- someone who listens and advises

Encourager- someone who believes and supports you

Foxhole Friend- someone who will stand beside you- no matter what

Challenger- someone who will make you better because they tell the truth

Fun One- someone who brings laughter when you most need it

Planner- someone who is a steadfast and thoughtful organizer for those chaotic moments

As you move to the comments today I’d love to hear what you think about this specific topic of growth. Are you active in building and growing your own friendship village, and why? Perhaps you are you a semi-reluctant grower- maybe being happy with the circle you have or finding less interest in expanding your circle?

Who do you surround yourself with, and do you see yourself filling one of these roles within your friendship circle?

53 thoughts on “The Friendship Village”

  1. I agree entirely with the need to take action and the goal of creating relationships, Deb. The obstacles to this have become more difficult, however.

    Pandemic and crime fears, working from home as an alternative to regular face to face contact with colleagues, the anonymity and distance within cities — all these play a distancing role.

    The necessity of the kinds of relationships you describe do battle with the hurdles imposed even by the emergence of cars in the early part of the last century and home air conditioners in the 1950s. Such boons have put us inside automobiles instead of chatting with neighbors at the bus stop or sitting inside a cooled residence instead of talking on a building stoop and sleeping in a public park with other overheated souls.

    Friendships that might have grown from the daily routine of living now take work. No one’s fault, but the world has changed.

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    1. I totally agree with you Dr. Stein and you make great points. I will add my absolute pet peeve of phones as well! It does take effort and I think it’s important that we each sort of take stock of who we may want in our life plus the effort that may be involved in doing that. Friendships are (or supposed to be) commitments in my opinion. There’s a lot standing in the way of the levels of closeness we used to have with the people around us.

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  2. Thank you so much for sharing about this sweet book. I love Allen’s point of view and the notion of ‘finding your people’ is something I’ve shared with others for many years – that encouragement to ‘pick and choose’ with the reminder that not everyone is supposed to be a friend. So liberating to let those that don’t fit…go…move along. 😉 And the list of friendship types? Love it! I think I’ve benefitted the most from a few ‘foxhole’ friends. 🥰

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    1. I found it refreshing to read her attitude that not everyone needs or wants a large circle of friends Vicki, but the ones we do cultivate we probably should choose carefully and with thought regarding our and their expectations of the relationship. As you say, some fit and some don’t. I think we owe it to others to be honest about that. That makes me wonder generationally how much the use of social media plays into our ability to create deep, lasting friendships versus the superficial stuff.

      Yes, those foxhole friends have to get kudos for putting up with and standing by you during all the messy, hard “stuff” don’t they 🙂 I don’t know that I’ve ever had a ‘challenger’ in my life. I think I could have used one at a lot of different points!

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      1. What a great point you make there, Deb…about how we need different friend personas at different times. Yes to that! Especially folks who are willing to nudge and steer us to ‘truths’ we may not want to see. Hard to do that – give the feedback and accept it – if the relationship isn’t substantial (or superficial, as you said). 💕

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  3. In Phoenix, we have an assisted living community called Friendship Village, and that’s the first place my mind went. 🤭😅 Putting that aside, I love idea of a friendship village.

    I’m curious with the types of friends if one person can satisfy multiple roles. I feel as if most of my friends embody two of those traits. It makes sense to have full spectrum–wisdom, laughter, loyalty, challenges–to support our growth.

    Deb, this wasn’t the point of your post, but I truly love that you didn’t throw down the book because it has different viewpoints and beliefs that yours. (I wouldn’t expect you too, but I appreciate your pointing out the slight dis-ease.) I read a variety of blogs and newsletters, including several that wag their finger at “people like me”, but I think it’s invaluable to try to understand different viewpoints. While I may not agree, I can recognize where their beliefs come from and I can view them as valid, and that takes the tensions the media pushes down a few notches. That open-mindedness helps foster more empathy in an increasingly divisive world. I think we could all learn from you, Deb. 😊

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      1. Absolutely EA! It’s amazing what we learn and experience when we decide to leave our own bubbles and see what’s out there and listen.

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    2. Oh Erin, I have to chuckle a bit about your version of the “Friendship Village”! I hope that means everyone has a good experience living here 🙂

      I thought the same thing when reading over the types Allen wrote about. I think you can be or have multipurpose friends! I mean we aren’t really one dimensional right?

      And- so kind to talk about acceptance of varied viewpoints, thank you! I’ve learned a lot in being open to reading about and discussing things that I don’t necessarily embrace as my own. This statement is so true “While I may not agree, I can recognize where their beliefs come from and I can view them as valid”. We just have to be open to listening.

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      1. Back in the 80/90s, I think it was the only assisted living places… it seemed like everyone’s grandparents or grandparents were there. At least in those days, it seemed like lovely community, though I suspect it’s more about the bottom line than residents nowadays.

        I wish more people were open to the listening. We’re all shaped by our own unique experiences, worldviews, and opinions… there doesn’t need to be a “wrong” or “right” idea, nor conflict. if only, if only…

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  4. I can’t remember where I read it, but similar to your friendship village, it’s creating a board of directors. The concept is you need to be the CEO and have a circle of people who are on board with you.

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    1. That’s an interesting way to look at EA. I enjoyed the idea of the village- it seems to indicate a central sort of core group all working together for each other. It’s a bit harder for me to wrap my head around the idea of the CEO concept though if I’m honest. I sort of associate those business type set ups as being about the many doing the bidding of the head of the corporation. I guess with a board though you have to find ways to cooperate and work for each other 😉

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      1. If I remember, the context was as a writer. You need your supporters around you to read your work, offer critiques and be supportive. But you are CEO because it’s your creation, not a collaborative effort. I wish I remember where I read that.

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      2. No, that makes perfect sense from a writing standpoint. I was just focused in trying to imagine a group of friends functioning in that model!

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  5. I love this post so much. I yearn to have a bigger village, yet I must appreciate how my village has grown in the last year. This is on account of having moved back home after living in the Denver metro for 6 years. My “people”, friends and family alike, are geographically much closer to me than they had been for so long. I am so grateful for that. As I read your descriptions of the types of people in your personal village, the faces of the people who embody these roles in my life, or have in the past embodied these roles, showed up in my mind’s eye. Yet I also noticed reading through them that I’d love to have more of some of these types of friends in my life. In other words, my “village” is a work in progress.

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    1. Hi Rhonda, thanks so much for your comment! Living away from what you know and those who are already close to you has to be a huge challenge. I know it would be for me, which might be why I have no desire to live anywhere else 🙂

      I like the way Allen found specific ways to describe a set of friends. In one of the other comments the writer mentioned select friends that embody more than one of those characteristic types. Do you find friends that overlap in their qualities? I think that’s a well rounded friend who can be what and who you need in your life and a person is lucky to be surrounded by those folks. I love that you see your village as a process as well. I think that concept is important to keep in mind as we age. We grow and change, as do our viewpoints and interests so we tend to consistently need to re-evaluate and make changes. Those villages are always open and changing 🙂

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      1. I think I need to copy and paste the definitions so I can ponder them more; but I’m guessing that I’ve got a few people in my circle now who embody more than one of the friendship types. I agree with you wholeheartedly-that we grow and change, along with our viewpoints and interests. This is such an interesting conversation. Thanks for your comments!

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      2. Thank you for adding yours Rhonda! We love looking at topics from all angles here at HoTM so I hope you continue joining in often. We’re here everyday with something new and worthy of lots of discussion 🙂

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  6. My friendship circle is ever changing, some are added, some subtracted, others grow closer at times and farther away at others. I have to look at the role I play and that others do for me. Problems with kids? I go to certain friends who have children and who have had struggles with them. Boyfriend angst? I have others who are going through or have gone through those situations. Late middle life “crisis” questions? There are many who are trying to figure out their place in this and figure out the way forward. The other day a friend wanted to get together because she really needed to talk to me and get my take on a family issue. That made me feel some pressure but also complimented that my listening skills were trusted.

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    1. I have added and subtracted at different times in my life as well which makes me consider what this blog has talked about quite a bit- situational relationships. An example would be work friends who may not occupy the space as other time friends. I was writing this and thought way back to those times when everyone had, or was encouraged to have a ‘best friend’ -that one person. I remember those besties as a child and teen. I know as an adult I have not experienced that best person but typically become drawn to the situational friendships. Maybe that’s not common, but I think it’s okay to have and embrace specific friend roles.

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  7. Whoa – connection, intention and action. Great topics and I love the intentionality you bring to them in this post. The different roles of friends is intriguing to me and I’m going to have to think about that. So fascinating that this damn growth has to keep happening in our lives so we continually cultivate our village. 🙂 Love this post, Deb!

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    1. There are times that I truly embrace the predictability of routine, but really how awful if we never changed, never grew. Isn’t that the joy of bringing new people into our lives and sharing wisdom among and with each new person that enters? You just never know what’s going to happen when you do something as simple as to smile or say hi. No telling who may enter your life 🙂

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      2. Right after I read your post I went to Costco. The cashier was talking about dating at 60 and said she didn’t care if love happened. Then she followed up with – I’m okay if it does but I’m not going to do anything to make it happen. I immediately thought of your post.

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      3. So many questions I would have for her after those rather conflicted remarks! Sounds to me like she might actually care if love happened but… Somebody else is apparently going to have to step in and fire things up! If you see her the next time you’re at Costco feel free to share the HoTM link. Maybe we can inspire her to rethink her rather tenuous reasons 😉

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      4. I love the idea of sharing the link to your post!! And I think you are right about the analysis of what she was saying. The guy that went through the line before me was someone she went to high school with and she was wondering whether he was single or not. Which started the whole rumination. I almost wanted to run up and get the guy to drag him back. Funny what can happen at Costco.

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    1. Thanks Brian. I agree with you, I think many of us can be hesitant to initiate or reach out. It’s not necessarily my norm, but I met a lovely blogger who lives just minutes from me because I took a chance and reached out to her on her blog. Sometimes you just have to push yourself 🙂

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  9. One of my central reasons for blogging has been to intentionally build authentic, transparent relationships. For those to happen, it has to be a two way street. I can be as open/ transparent/ vulnerable as I want, but unless the other person(s) responds in kind, it doesn’t go anywhere….One of the most magical things I’ve experienced as a blogger. the people I have met (yourself included) know me better than my siblings because you’ve gotten to know me via our blog posts. One of my longest friendships via blogging, goes back to 2007, and I feel as connected to her as one of my sisters, probably more so, because she knows things about me (from blogging) my biological sisters don’t even know.

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    1. I so get all of this Doug, and feel the same way. I had no idea when I started blogging that I would make so many connections with really great people, or that they would continue. I agree though that it has to be reciprocal in nature. I think that’s why I tend to be a lurker for some time when I’m introduced to a new blog. I would rather silently learn about them through their writing and interactions just to see if there’s a spark. Blogging can be very anonymous if you want it to be, but when you find the right group of folks it really feels like you are building a 2nd family and I love that 🙂

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  10. I remember Allen’s book. What a great flashback. I agree that every friendship fulfills some need in your life. Not in the sense that you are lacking per se, but that it fills in a blind spot in your thinking. I remember wanting to create my own categories, friends who I’d call snarkologists, or pop culture gurus, or personal historians. In many ways blogging friendships fulfill some categories as well as, maybe better than, real life friendships.

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    1. I love your idea for friendship categories- much more realistic and personally fulfilling. I think that’s a great idea to make your own types that suit you and who you look for.

      I could not agree more AB, especially about the blogging relationships. There are benefits to the face to face, but just as many benefits to the enforced distance perspective we find with blogging buddies.

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  11. It’s amazing how we find hidden treasures in the bargain bins in the book stores, isn’t it? I’m the same in the grocery too. 😆

    I agree with that of action and intent being key ingredients in our growth. And that certainly applies to friendship. I’m pretty blessed to have a small but close group of friends since grade school. And that closeness and truth requires reciprocal connection, intention and action as you noted.

    It’s harder to make friends now not because I don’t want to but due to time and energy – work, parenting, etc – and some less tight friendships drift apart naturally not out of malicious intent.

    A good thought for a Friday. Enjoy the weekend ahead – it’s a three day one over here!

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    1. One of my favorite places in the world- the used bookstore. I wish I was as good at finding deals in the grocery store though.

      I think that’s a really good thing to remember- that as we become adults it’s easy to let so many ‘adult’ things take precedence in our lives. I know many of my friends and I drifted apart after marriage and kids came into the picture. I think work makes huge and often stressful changes to friendships. Thanks for your insight Ab! And enjoy your weekend 🙂

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  12. Wow—so many profound and very rich viewpoints here! In various stages of my life, my friendships have ranged from one-here-one-there relationships with no common connection, to circles of friends who all know each other. I now have the benefit of both, thanks to life in my senior condo community where we all know each other, have everything in common, and support one another. Little did I know back in the days of yearning for a community of friends that I would find it simply by moving to a new home. Perhaps yearning and desire is the spark that lights the fire to propel one to take the action needed to fulfill one’s dreams. Life works in mysterious and wondrous ways!

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    1. I think your words are very true Julia- “Perhaps yearning and desire is the spark that lights the fire to propel one to take the action needed to fulfill one’s dreams.” Finding something missing in our lives and wanting change is the first step then comes the fun of figuring out how to make things happen 🙂

      I think it’s great that you’ve found your people and a lovely home as well.

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  14. Hmmmm….I think I’ve developed acquaintance groups if that makes sense…but I’m rarely going to meet someone at something and suggest meeting up for coffee. That’s just not my thing. However, I made some really good friends from my recent writing class, but we saw each other over a repeated time frame. I think I’m friends with a lot of organizers or funny people. My social groups tend to be filled with those types

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    1. Absolutely see your point about the casual encounter and then jumping on the friend bandwagon. I think the idea in the book, at least what I took from it, is that as we see the same people in those acquaintance groups, or at work or wherever and find ourselves interested in extending the connection that’s the time to initiate because waiting around for someone else to act may never happen. I wouldn’t chat with someone in the grocery aisle and then immediately ask them for coffee, but then again maybe there are people who would do that 😉

      I saw myself as the organizer in that list so I would be ever ready to bring sense to chaos if a friend needed it!

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  15. I do believe that different friends fulfill different roles. I have certain friends I go to when I need to be cheered up, others I go to when I need advice, and others I go to when I want to simply talk. I think the trick is to realize that all of us have different gifts, and not to expect more from people than they can deliver. Great post!

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    1. I like that way of looking at friendships Ann! We all have our personal strengths and perhaps don’t have to be everything all the time to everyone. It has to be easier to appreciate your friends if you keep in mind that each individual brings their own brand of help and experience to a relationship. You just brought a very practical viewpoint to this conversation 🙂

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  18. An interesting post, as always, Deb. I am and always have been a solitary person, so I would have to say that my family is my village and I am fortunate that they all meet the criteria on that list. I don’t know that not having any friends has necessarily stunted my growth as a person or that I would have been a different person if I’d had people around me other than family but I’m happy as I am and, at my time of life, I don’t feel the need to change.

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    1. Oh Sue, I completely understand this. I really have only a few friends and I am okay with that. I would drift in and out of friendships but nothing was ever sustained. I’m not sure what that says but I think I’m doing okay!

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  19. I loved this post. I think I’m a combination of all of them, except Foxhole. I’ve learned that no matter what, will land you in big trouble if you’re not careful. And that, in life there are times to back across the bridge and leave.

    Life is unpredictable and so are people, so every once in a while, something will unfold as something you aren’t ready to embrace. And you must withdraw.

    No ride or dying here.

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    1. Agreed. If you feel that something is off or unsafe better to retreat, maybe reevaluate, but I think this speaks to the concept of “going with your gut”.

      Thanks so much for stopping to read and comment 🙂

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