I met someone recently at one of the kids’ events and as I sat there talking with her, I kept thinking, “Geez, she seems so familiar.” Now that I’ve seen her several times and we’ve had some fairly deep discussions about life, live, work, and family, I finally put my finger on it.
She reminds me of me 15 years ago. Once I clued in to that, I had to figure out why. I puzzled through a lot of options.
Driven? Yes, but that’s not it.
Hard-working and efficient? Two attributes that definitely describe my new friend, but again not quite right.
Impatient for life to unfold? Well, that’s a good description of me at any age but it wasn’t what was niggling my familiarity.
Certain. That was it, she was certain, and it reminded me of how certain I was about life when I was younger.
I was certain that I would be rewarded for my preparation and hard work. That was before I learned that life is less like a math equation and more like a pinball machine where for every bounce you get extra points but sooner or later will be going down the big slot.
I wasn’t an economics major in college but I still believed in the law of supply and demand. That is to say, I could demand and life would deliver. And when it didn’t, I think my next step was to think I could beg, and life would deliver. Nope, that’s not the system either. I’ve finally landed on openness. Like an oyster sitting at the bottom of the ocean, I found it better to open and sift through what comes my way. Sometimes that is something I can’t eat but instead turn into something beautiful but only by doing my work.
Certainty for me came with a little bit of an edge because one of the things I thought I knew was that I was on the high road. I don’t recall setting out to be unkind but there’s a little bit of unkindness that comes automatically when I think I’m right or at the very least don’t hold space for being wrong.
Glimpsing this not very flattering view of myself I see that life has softened me up a great deal. My certainty, while it can still rear its head as something I want to cling to, especially when I’m scared, has mostly been replaced by faith and wonder.
I’ve learned the faith to trust that I might be providing the power by kicking but something far bigger than me is steering the boat. I’ve learned a lot of things are above my pay grade and while I still poke at trying to be in charge, I’m reminded daily to just work where I’m planted.
One of the primary influences in the last 15 years that has supported letting go of my certainty is my meditation practice. I think of it as my way to irrigate the irritations. Once those are irrigated, I’m free to wonder about the mysteries of life. When I’m certain, I miss the magic.
Of all the things I’ve lost in life, my certainty is at the top of my list for better off without. I wonder if I’ll see my new friend in 15 years and she’ll remind me of myself now.
I have a related post on my personal site. Useful At Any Age talks about “subjective age” or our tendency to see ourselves as an age different than our actual years.
(featured photo from Pexels)
The Heart of the Matter 
I hadn’t thought of it as ‘certainty’ – that arrogance and impatience with others – but it makes sense now. Interesting post
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Thanks, VJ! Arrogance and impatience with others – exactly.
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Indeed, what will your friend be and what will you be?
Some scientists believe there are alternate universes where souls identical to us live out other lives, as unaware of our existence as we are of their presence.
Put this in the STRANGE THINGS file.
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STRANGE THINGS – but very interesting possibilities, aren’t they? Love that you added this dimension to the pondering!
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This was good! Certainty often reminds me of toxic positivity…
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Thank you, LA. I hadn’t made that connection but it makes sense – that strong willfulness that ignores reality. Thanks for the great comment!
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👍👍
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“I’ve learned the faith to trust that I might be providing the power by kicking but something far bigger than me is steering the boat.” . . . PTL Wynne that the Captain of our boat is always at the helm, and never steers off course.
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Yes, yes, yes! Thanks for the wonderful comment, Fred!
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😉 Ah youth: “I wasn’t an economics major in college but I still believed in the law of supply and demand. That is to say, I could demand and life would deliver.” I love how you’ve tended to the topic of certainty and being very overtly goal and achievement-oriented, Wynne. And…wow — your insight about ‘irrigating the irritations’? I feel that, too. Give them their due. If not, that need for certainty leaves me land-locked…along with its nefarious companion…conviction. I’m learning I need to let them go in order to be more open, more loving.
Xo for a thought-provoking post on a Monday morning, friend! 💕
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Oh, “land-locked” — that’s so good, Vicki! And the nefarious companion…conviction. So insightful. Yes, you see me, my friend – even where I’ve been. Thanks for the insightful and thoughtful comment!
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Much love, much love! 🥰
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“That was before I learned that life is less like a math equation and more like a pinball machine where for every bounce you get extra points but sooner or later will be going down the big slot.” I had to chuckle here, because I had the same certainty, and learned the same hard lesson. The analogy of the pinball machine is just brilliant, Wynne. You can “do everything right” and the results may seem haphazard and messy… until one day we can glimpse the full picture our lives and recognize those failed plans were actually pavers on our right path. 🥰
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I’m so glad you like that analogy, Erin. It made me chuckle too but it definitely matches my path so far…
Love what you say about feeling like the results are haphazard and messy – until we look back. The pavers — that’s brilliant!
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Wynne, that analogy with the pinball machine resonated with me the most. You really captured for me what life can feel like sometimes. And why it’s important to ground ourselves.
I’m glad meditation provides that daily release for you. When I think of myself 15 years ago, I do see the contrast as well, and I gotta say being in my 40s feels better. Yes, I’m tired more and etc., but feel less pressure than I did in my 20s. It is a freeing feeling for sure.
And I will need to give meditation a try one day!
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Oh, I like what you say about less pressure. Maybe the certainty comes with less pressure then?
I’m glad you like the pinball machine – I was chuckling when I wrote that because of all the bounces I’ve taken. 🙂 As for meditation, you seem to be wisely taking great self-care so perhaps it’s unnecessary in your toolkit. But it’s a good option if you ever need more! It can change that tired feeling in just a few minutes. Not that the tired feeling doesn’t return…
Thanks for the thoughtful comment, my friend!
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You must be reading my mind Wynne. I’ve been thinking about some of these topics. Love how you explained it, your explanation of certainty and your word choice in saying “something far bigger than me is steering the boat.” I see folks who are so certain of their outcome and I laugh, because I think I used to be like that. I don’t have all the answers now. Oh, I still try to get in the way sometimes, but I’m just as clueless as the next person. It had to be interesting for you to meet and talk with the woman that you met. When you see her again in ten years, I wonder if she’ll be as certain?!?! Ha, ha.
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I love what you says about “Oh, I still try to get in the way sometimes.” Yes!! Me too! Glad this resonated with what you’ve been thinking about — you know what they say about great minds think alike. 🙂 🙂 🙂 Thank you for the lovely and thoughtful comment!
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It’s hard for me to imagine you, my blogging buddy Wynne, as being anything other than what you are here- compassionate, kind, engaged, thoughtful…certainly not the younger adult believing the world was yours and “life would deliver” any and everything. However, I wonder if that’s such a bad thing- to have that thought process at that age? Especially because you tossed in that you had worked hard and prepared, not simply sat around expecting to be handed the best in life. I think certainty as you put it can be a driver to success, but yes- you absolutely have to keep in mind that life changes as quickly as that pinball game. That’s when you get into trouble- clinging to the inability to realize the world doesn’t owe you everything, you owe your best self to the world.
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Aww, what a lovely comment, Deb. And you have a great point about maybe that youthful belief serves a purpose. Perhaps we wouldn’t get going unless we have it? But I also love your point about “clinging to the inability to realize the world doesn’t owe you everything,” As you say so well, that’s when we get into trouble. And then maybe grow up and soften a bit. Thank you for the very insightful comment!
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This statement really spoke to me, Wynne. “I’m reminded daily to just work where I’m planted.” I think we all start out in life thinking we can change the world. Sadly, we really can’t. We can only influence our immediate circle and hope that creates a ripple effect. I’ve learned over time to focus on what I can do and the things I can control. Yes, I still get frustrated at all the unkindness and injustice in workplace and the world at large. But, it no longer keeps me up at night.
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I love the tie that you’ve made between what we can and cannot control. That makes so much sense! As does your great comment about starting with where we’re at and hoping for a ripple outwards. Seems like that’s especially true with the eco work. Thank you for the wonderful comment.
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This certainty that you wrote about, I call it “thirty-itis” – a swelling of the brain (or at least a swelling of ego). I had a terrible case that I didn’t start getting over until I saw the same traits in my boss.
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Thiry-itis. I love it, Jeff – what a great way to put it. And isn’t it powerful when we see it in someone else? Right!
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I love this line: “Like an oyster sitting at the bottom of the ocean, I found it better to open and sift through what comes my way.” I had the same certainty or confidence in myself when I was younger too. Your writing is beautiful!
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Thank you, Elizabeth. I’m so flattered to hear that from you. Maybe that youthful certainty comes a little hand-in-hand with the entitlement that often comes with youth?
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Yes! I think you’re right. I was talking to my kids, ages 30 and 27 and my youngest, my daughter, believes they grew up without the certainty we had. One of her earliest memories of a huge event was 9/11, followed by the market crash of 2008. Then they faced the global pandemic. She was laid off her dream job for 10 months before finding a new job.
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Oh wow – those are such huge events and I could see how they’d change the certainty. What an interesting conversation to have with your kids!
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“I was certain that I would be rewarded for my preparation and hard work.”
Me too. Then I discovered you can do everything right and still fail. Horrible realization but one that eventually nudged me to embrace the process, do my best, but not get too hung up on the results. Lesson learned.
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I love how you put that, Ally. “not to get too hung up on the results.” A huge lesson but a very useful one, yes?
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You reminded me of one of my favorite bumper stickers: “Of all the things I ever lost, I miss my mind the most.” Your blog is chock full of reminders to lose the things that no longer support us; to surrender the old for the new, the certainty for the uncertainty, fear for faith. And oh but the way, add me to the love-the pinball-analogy crowd. I chuckled my way through that one, as I pictured myself boinging from one place to another. My life in a nutshell. Or pinball machine. Great blog Wynne, insightful as ever!
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Oh, I’m laughing about the bumper sticker. It’s a good one! I’m glad you are laughing about the pinball machine. There are some days I feel like I’m bonging back and forth more than others…. 🙂 ❤ Thank you for the comment – as delightful as ever! ❤
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Wynne – very insightful and it has me and your readers pondering! I always enjoyed this quote from Clint Eastwood, ” Things change. They always do, it’s one of the things of nature. Most people are afraid of change, but if you look at it as something you can always count on then it can be a comfort.”
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I love that quote and the way it flips things around. Thanks for sharing, Mary!
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