When the “C” Word Entered My Life

Posted on by Deb

“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”

Bob Marley

Yes, the c-word I refer to is cancer. It was early May 1996 and a routine pap test detected an abnormality on my cervix. Further testing confirmed the lesion was cervical cancer. After the confirmation things moved very quickly. I have to say this was not, thankfully, late stage cancer. It was caught relatively early and I met with a gynecological oncologist within just a few weeks. I was given 2 options: massive amounts of radiation using direct placement at my cervix with all sorts of possible side effects, or a hysterectomy. 

My surgery, I chose the hysterectomy, was scheduled for early September. I remember thinking that was perfect as the kids were going back to school about the same time and I would be up and ready to get back into my room assistant, PTA officer, art docent, band mom, 6th grade event planner role without too much down time

* * * * * * * * * *

What you just read was the way that I always tell this story, and this is not a story I share often. Not because of the personal nature at all, but- and this may sound strange- there was never a question in my mind that the outcome would be anything but positive. Because of that I can only tell this story in a very pragmatic way and I wonder if that shocks people?  

I had cancer, I had surgery, the cancer was gone, and I continued to live my life. I suspect that a high percentage of people who receive a cancer diagnosis don’t typically respond this way. I would never be presumptive to tell anyone how they should or should not react given a cancer diagnosis but even I am aware that when I do speak of it; when I say that very first sentence “I had cancer”- the facial and bodily reactions along with the pain and sorrow and pity from the person I have told then turns to shock because I am so matter-of-fact and rather dismissive of that time in my life.

Some may say that I was in denial. I was not. I saw the cancer. I literally saw the lesion on my cervix and I didn’t need anyone to tell me that’s not what a healthy cervix was supposed to look like. I heard comments about mourning the loss of my “womanhood” and “early menopause”. I never hesitated in my decision to have the hysterectomy. I had three amazing children and I truly knew I would not miss my uterus. I chose to keep my ovaries as long as the surgeon saw no signs of cancer. There was no early menopause. I got to experience that at the appropriate age with the same fanfare and hot flashes as any other woman.

I was lucky. So incredibly lucky and perhaps there is even some guilt that I hold onto deep inside because so often when a person hears those words: you have cancer- they don’t feel lucky and they don’t have a positive outcome. I never take that for granted. Ever. I dealt with what was handed to me and then in a very compartmentalized way I simply put those 5 months as a cancer patient far away out of sight and mind.

My choice was not denial, nor was it some version of false hope hiding dread and doubt and uncertainty. I still cannot explain it fully, but from the moment my personal physician looked me in the eye and said, “Deb this is cervical cancer” I enveloped myself in an absolute and resolute defiance knowing that I would not leave my children. My only option was to take care of the issue with determination and resilience and then get back to life.

“Resiliency is knowing that you are the only one that has the power and the responsibility to pick yourself up.”

Mary Holloway

I was married then, but to be as tactful as I can, I knew my then husband was not prepared to raise our children. Perhaps I was giving myself way more credit than I should or attempting to make myself into a super mom- the only possible person to guide these 3 young people. I really don’t think I viewed myself as a mom of the year type however. I simply knew that of the two of us, myself or my husband, I had a better chance of not messing them up too badly. There is too much to unpack regarding my marriage for this post, but I was positive that the level of support that my kids would need and that I would need would not be possible from him.

I wrote here about my mom and her/our struggles recently. I think my ability to move through life with the attitude that I can handle the hard stuff was born from and mastered because of my relationship with her. She taught me, inadvertently, to be resilient; to forge through and then ahead and to depend on myself. I’m sure there may have been better ways to grow this part of myself and practice those resiliency skills during childhood. Yet learn them I did, and I am thankful for that.

40 thoughts on “When the “C” Word Entered My Life”

    1. Thank you Belinda and I agree, yet there was judgment that came along at times, making me question and doubt myself even though I knew the correct path. I appreciate your comment.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  2. Your strength and resolve? It comes through, Deb. Thank you so much for sharing with us. A beautiful example of love and commitment to the path in front of you, whether you chose it or not: “I enveloped myself in an absolute and resolute defiance knowing that I would not leave my children. “My only option was to take care of the issue with determination and resilience and then get back to life.” 💗💗💗

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    1. Thank you Vicki! A person can always go back and ask what if- what if it was a very different form of cancer? What if the cancer had been more advanced? What if I had not had children? So many things to consider when you hear those words. Thankfully ( I think) my methodical, practical self just took over, I answered all those questions for myself and then let it all go- getting back to life. Yes- the only option for me.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  3. Good for you, Deb. I wonder what your female readers might need to know in terms of the questions that they should ask before they make the decision. In my own history as a patient, I know that even well thought of docs won’t cover everything unless you ask them, and not all questions and answers will be found easily on the web.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Great comment Dr. Stein, thank you for bringing this into the conversation and I agree that a patient has to inform themselves in the best way that they can. My background then was in women’s healthcare and encompassed within that was educating patients on their rights, but also their responsibilities to seek out information and ask questions until they were fully informed and comfortable.

      I took that to heart in my own situation and given that I knew I was done have children there was only one logical choice for me. The radiation was the option if I had any thoughts about more kids and that absolutely had to be considered so I was thankful my surgeon presented that. The options women would have today are different from what was done even almost 30 years ago, such as harvesting and freezing of eggs, and thankfully even if choosing radiation was in a women’s comfort zone it is so much more precise now than in 1996. I was absolutely more afraid of that option than even being told I had cervical cancer.

      The important thing is that everyone has to make the decision that is right for them. I think you would agree!

      Like

      Reply

  4. “Some may say that I was in denial. I was not. ” It’s your story, you get to tell it however you want. I echo Belinda’s words, everyone’s walking a different walk. We do ourselves a disservice when we judge or make assumptions. Just glad that you were able to get the surgery and move on with your life! Thanks for sharing Deb.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Aww, thank you Brian! I always hope that I learned from that time and remain open when people speak to me about their own healthcare decisions. You have to really listen to your own head and heart and proceed in the way you know is right for you. No one else can or should make those decisions for you.

      Like

      Reply

  5. The Holloway quote gave me chills, Deb–so powerful! I think we face adversity in whatever way best serves our needs. Some people may desire attention and pity, whereas other seek out the pragmatic step-by-step playbook. Neither approach is right or wrong, but I personal think there is something extra empowering about forging ahead and depending on ourselves.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. Erin, I know! When I found that Holloway quote it yelled out to me from the screen and I knew it said exactly what I felt, both in 1996 but still to the way I approach things in life today. I am responsible for me and I try to do just that in the best way that I know how.

      Empowerment is absolutely the concept I want to put out there and encourage others to consider. That extra boost of knowing I can handle life brings me a lot of strength.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  6. I love your attitude and how you moved forward with a scary diagnosis. I had three friends diagnosed with breast cancer in 2020 while things were shut down. That made their treatment more difficult. One went through with little side effects. One is bedridden from aggressive chemo to this day. The other got a flesh eating disease she had to deal with, but made it back to her healthy self.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. OMG EA, what a gut punch to begin with, but then during Covid with all the restrictions. I can’t imagine that. Our brains and our bodies really have to work together when you hear a cancer diagnosis. That whole mind-body thing is crucial I think so knowing who you are, what you want, and the best way to achieve that is imperative. Toss Covid into- wow. I am so sorry that one of the three is still dealing with chemo impacts. That is a huge consideration when looking at effective treatment options isn’t it- when the cure ultimately may leave you feeling worse? I hope she can bounce back and find a peaceful and comfortable way to embrace life going forward.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      1. Yes, COVID shut downs really impacted all three friends. They had to go to treatments alone, including surgery. No loved ones in the hospital. Thank you for your kid words about my friend who is still suffering.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. There are so many rich themes here, Deb: how we react when we find out others are or have been sick, the steel of parenthood that (I believe) can bend reality to our will, your incredible way of leaning in to the diagnosis and dealing with it. And of course, the beautiful tie in back to your mom and the many things she taught you even if unintentionally.

    Oh, and this line cracks me up, “I simply knew that of the two of us, myself or my husband, I had a better chance of not messing them up too badly. ” Because I totally get what you mean.

    Beautiful and amazing job navigating cancer — and writing about resilience. Thank you, Deb!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. Thank you so much Wynne! I love how you’ve voiced that parenthood can “bend reality to our will…”! Absolutely! I touched on the mind-body connection in my comment to EA and believe there’s significance to the ways in which we think, believe and physically function and heal.

      I appreciate the familiarity with my assumption/knowledge regarding the kids and their futures as I know you’ve written your personal views in that area. At least I had a willingness to improve as a parent, others did not and I realized that even then. That was scary to me so yep- I was going nowhere 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

      1. “I was going nowhere.” I love it – and totally get it! And yes to the mind-body connection. That’s what I was trying to get at but didn’t put nearly as succinctly as you did. Right!

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Hi Deb. As a fellow cancer survivor, I definitely relate to finding strength you didn’t know you had and to your resolve to get through it for the sake of your kids.

    Later this month, it will be 12 years since my breast cancer diagnosis. After the initial shock passed and I had a treatment plan, I very much focused on getting to the other side. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’ve closed the door on the experience. Even 12 years later, I still think about cancer every day. Cancer changed me, but for the better. While I wouldn’t go back and relive the 9 months of treatment and recovery voluntarily, I really believe it happened for a reason.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Michelle, thank you and congratulations on 12 years post diagnosis and good health! I love how you focus on the impact of your cancer and the positive change you found coming from such an experience. I too choose to look toward there being a reason why cancer chose me- perhaps as a very early wake-up call that I needed to re-evaluate my family situation or as a hint of what might be coming in my marriage, or just to assure myself that I was as strong on the inside as I portrayed on the outside.

      Thank you for sharing your own diagnosis and recovery with us here.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  9. The c-word scares me but thanks to pap smears and the viral original of cervical cancer, it doesn’t seem as daunting as some other cancers. If I were diagnosed with pancreatic, lung or Stage 4 anything, I would be hard-pressed to put a hopeful face on anything. Like you, I would not hesitate to rid myself of female parts, especially now that they’re on permanent vacation! You are certainly a resilient person and have had to be. (me too) When people used to comment how brave I was when dealing with my late husband’s cancer, I would respond, “What choice do I have?” If I could have chosen, we would be retired and paddling kayaks on the Anderson Island lakes.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Yes, without the pap I wouldn’t have known. Ironic that you mention the viral connection with HPV. That was my first question after the colposcopy and they saw no sign of HPV as a cause so that part has remained a mystery as to why.

      I think that some of us may be unique in how we present ourselves outwardly in difficult situations or crises. I would never say I was brave- just resigned and determined but yes, what choice was there. Of course we all envision different outcomes to our aging years and not having Patt to share that plan is nothing you ever expected. Thankfully John is outdoorsy! Time to get some new kayaks and hit the waters 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  11. Wow, Deb, what a powerful testimony you just shared. Thank you for sharing that. And thank goodness you caught it early on and took decisive (and difficult) measures to get rid of the cancer.

    My sister, unfortunately, caught it late and she passed away within a year (last December) after it was detected. So I am thankful for people like you who use your experience to raise awareness and hopefully help others detect it early and save their life.

    Keep shining your light! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you Ab. I am truly sorry that your sister was taken and I know from some of your posts the pain of losing her still resides with your family and in your hearts. I hope that it will ease more in time for all of you.

      Like

      Reply

  12. Though my belief has never been tested in the face of the “C” word, I definitely AM a firm believer in the strength and power of the mind. You made up your mind that you would forge ahead and put the whole experience behind you, and that is exactly what you did. Your body heard you, and responded accordingly. What a wonderful example and lesson for all of us. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you so much Julia. I like to think my determination and attitude had as much to do with the outcome as the fact that this wasn’t an advanced cancer and the treatment was straightforward. If nothing else, keeping the focus on my kids through the journey and looking to the future with them certainly made a difference!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  13. I love your attitude about the C diagnosis! Speaking as someone who has been monitoring crazy high PSA numbers and 3 biopsies on my prostate for 10 years, I hear you. We have made the word Cancer a bogie man as a culture. Cancer (and I know there are all sorts of different types,) in layman’s terms is out of control cell growth. I do not take relatively good health for granted. It is a gift.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thanks for the support Doug. I know you have been dealing with your own stuff for so long and I think that has to be a challenge, simply having it hang over your head sitting there. I’m so glad everything always checks out for you but the ongoing observations and questions and asking yourself “what might this next test show” just has to take its toll. I think, knowing you for awhile though, that I know you simply push through and go on with life because you just have to.

      I like your use of the term “relatively” when it comes to health at our age. No more expecting or wanting 100% is there. Relatively healthy and able to funciton is fine by me 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  14. I applaud your strength and determination for forge forward with only thoughts of positive outcomes. I lost my mother to cervical cancer and it does my heart good to see survivors. Bless you for this journey and this triumph.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Oh Maggie, thank you, and I am so very sorry for that loss. I think cervical or any reproductive cancer can be one that goes undetected quite often so finding it as early as possible is so crucial. I was very lucky.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  15. Pingback: Well Said Saturdays – June 3 – The Heart of the Matter

    1. Thank you Sue! So correct- there is no way to really know or prepare for the unexpected is there? Maybe- knowing how you deal with most of daily life- gives a clue to how a reaction may play out in a serious situation but really I think you just don’t know unless you’re in that moment.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

Leave a comment