Do You Fear the Why?

Posted on by Deb

I’m thinking and pondering a bit today, sparked by our topic of curiosity for the month of September.

In its simplest form, curiosity is all about why. Of course there’s also what, when, where, how, why not, and according to Google and Indeed.com at least 15 defined forms of questions in our English lexicon.In my opinion curiosity is about wanting to know more than what is simply presented as conjecture or fact. I am by far a curious soul. It is a need that I actually have to dig deeper, go further to unlock more information, and even embrace a farther defined goal to reach an ultimate answer regarding just about everything- even though reality tells me that some things will forever remain unknown. I love the challenge of exploring and puzzling and trying. There’s always a question to be asked if you really think about it. An example:

“Good morning! How’s your day going?” That seems simple on the surface, but why not carry it further? How about going past the rote answer that you will probably receive of “Oh, just fine thanks.” I say dig for more.

“What’s making your day a good one?”

“How do you plan to spend your day?”

Also, if you catch a troubling or concerning undertone to that generic “just fine” why not toss out “Gosh, I hope things are okay?” All simple, easy ways to extend a standard query.

But then what happens if you find yourself needing to handle emotions or info overload?

I think we often fear going deeper, and so we don’t. It may be worrisome to contemplate where those extra questions might lead, especially if they send us down into emotional responses. It’s also likely that we fear getting caught up in a rabbit hole of sorts. One that might mean frustration or eye-rolling or the wish that we had stayed silent.

**Here’s a typical conversation with a toddler, one I like to call the never-ending loop of WHY?

“Devin, please don’t hold the cat by his tail.”

“Why?”

“Because it might hurt the cat.”

“Why?”

“Because his tail isn’t strong enough.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s just not!”

“Why?”

“It’s not, that’s all! I don’t want you to hurt the cat!”

“Why?”

“Devin, please stop. Go play with your stuffed cat!”

“Why?”

“Because I said so…!”

**How about the you-will-not-win-this-one series of questions with a tween or teen?

“Mom please, I really need a cell phone!”

“You’re ten, why do you need a cell phone?”

“All my friends have cell phones already!”

“Really, they ALL have cell phones? I bet that’s not true.”

“It is- really, they do! Everyone in my class has their own phone. Why won’t you get me one too?”

**This is where you try to reason with them as an adult for what seems like hours, it backfires horribly and then comes the ultimate ending of…

“I just don’t like you at all! You’re such a mean parent! You never get me anything! Why do you hate me!” 

This scenario can also be applied to cars, curfews, dating, the latest trending gadget… and even encounters with other adults who simply want/need to overshare. I wonder if we could be conditioned throughout early life, and then reminded as adults and on into parenthood that going deeper, seeking honest answers and insight is just going to be nothing more than an emotional rollercoaster that we simply don’t want to deal with. Perhaps those who do ask, like the toddler in my example, are shut down time and time again and find their curiosity leads to anger and frustration when they seek answers. I may be oversimplifying here, but again, my brain is trying to seek answers and I don’t shy away from rabbit holes all that often.

What about the possibility of an even deeper fear?

I know people who find it easier, simpler, perhaps even safer to just take what others say as truth. Personally I want to know everything that I can before I make a decision or form an opinion. There’s no other way to do that except to be curious and seek out information of all types. I prefer to be challenged in my thinking rather than accepting what is put in front of me. Thinking is a joyful experience- in part because as I age I know the neurons are still firing! 

More importantly than my brain function though, is that critical and informed thinking is something I value. I don’t want to be led or simply told what to believe and for me a logical way to uphold that value is to be curious, to ask questions, to form opinions and make decisions based on as much information as I can take in. It’s a great puzzle to me that many folks living in our world right now make a choice to not ask, not challenge. I cannot help but wonder how much fear may be involved… and of course…why?

Finally, this interesting quote by Albert Einstein to ponder over:

“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.”

What do you make of those words? Actually please add to my thoughts with your own discussions in the comments. What sort of spark can we generate about curiosity, questions, even fears? We may not ever achieve total wisdom, but really do we want that? For me, it’s just too much fun to be intent on seeking out the next question and broadening each answer for as long as I am able.

71 thoughts on “Do You Fear the Why?”

  1. There’s a lot of great food for thought here, but one sentence really jumps out at me: “Perhaps those who do ask, like the toddler in my example, are shut down time and time again and find their curiosity leads to anger and frustration when they seek answers.”

    I’ve been listening to Ian Leslie’s book Curiosity via my library. Something Leslie said on just this point–about how kids disengage when their questions are ignored or even ridiculed–was so poignant, I ended up buying a print copy of the book. The print copy hasn’t yet reached me or I’d rummage up the quote, but … in the meantime, I’m simply appreciating further opportunity to reflect upon what it means for me to build–for myself and my kids–a curiosity practice. (If I don’t have practices, intentions tend to fall allll the way by the wayside!)

    Looking forward to other folks’ thoughts here!

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    1. Thanks Deborah! I love that you honed in on the toddler example and can relate to it alongside the words of Leslie. While kids seemed to be a good example for the purposes here, what do you think about applying the same concept to adults? I have some personal views on being shut down myself as an adult and wonder if you might as well? No need to share here if too personal but maybe just ponder on the parallels we might pull out and apply to adult experiences as well. I do think that if those experiences start as children there also has to be a carry-over into adulthood. Just another aspect of generational trauma perhaps?

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    2. I’m going to do my very, very best to keep this on the succinct side, Deb … but your questions are right at the heart of my current curiosity-exploration! So, apologies in advance for almost-certain non-succinctness, I suppose?

      What struck me about the passage I mentioned above was how it illuminated something I’ve been observing in adults for some time. There was this troubling mystery quality–“Quality X”–showing up here and there and everywhere that I couldn’t quite pinpoint or name. I checked out Curiosity because it’s referenced in one of Brené Brown’s books. About curiosity, Brown writes in Rising Strong: “Choosing to be curious is choosing to be vulnerable because it requires us to surrender to uncertainty. It wasn’t always a choice; we were born curious. But over time, we learn that curiosity, like vulnerability, can lead to hurt. As a result, we turn to self-protecting—choosing certainty over curiosity, armor over vulnerability, and knowing over learning.” At the time I put Curiosity on library hold (words that tickle me, here!), I kinda got this with my head. (I mean, “kinda” is being really generous to myself.)

      So when I started listening to Curiosity, I only made it about four pages in before I went, “Oh, my gosh! Quality X is incuriosity! How did I miss this?!” I got so excited with every additional word I heard, which words explained so much, I had to stop listening for a while to cool off. Which takes us back to the toddler-Curiosity connection.

      As a systems thinker, I’m clear nothing springs up out of the blue, so I knew whatever Quality X was, it had to flow from a deeper well. So the passage I referenced in my earlier comment was a huge, “Aha! If people are actively discouraged from being curious, starting day one, we really will “[choose] certainty over curiosity.” The good news, a few pages further on, was that curiosity–measured on a “Need for Cognition” (“NFC”) scale–is more a trait than a state. So it can wax and wane within any individual, and there are–though I’m reading slowly, given how exciting I find it all!–ways to make it likelier than not. So that’s encouragement I welcome, as I’d been terror spiraling at the thought that maybe (epistemic, as I’m learning from Curious!) curiosity cannot be re-unfolded once stuffed deep, deep down, culturally.

      Your words “shut down myself” really resonate. It was such experiences–in various contexts across time and space–that prompted me to go, “There’s a pattern across all these exchanges, I don’t know what it is, but imma keep my eyes open for additional data on it.” And now, here I am, having this deeply encouraging blog exchange (yaaay, blogs!) with someone curious about (in)curiosity and I’m very grateful. Most of the shut-downs weren’t hostile or mean or anything like that, just deeply perplexing to me in a how-do-I-connect-with-the-person-underneath-this-Quality-X? kind of way. Ultimately, I discerned that curiosity–the opposite of Quality X, as I then thought of it–must come from within. So I’m noodling on what to do with this all in ways that make more conversations in which I participate ones mutually worth having (or ones, if not, that are at least ended rapidly!).

      F- on succinct here, huh?! Like I said, the passion is burning here right now! :p

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      1. I’m laughing right now. I will honestly tell you Deborah that you win the prize for longest comment EVER on any blog post I have ever written. I think you’ll probably hold that distinction for some time 😉

        Brown is one who I haven’t read a lot, although I know she’s a favorite among many of our group, but I think what you included of her thoughts from Rising Strong is absolutely correct and what I was thinking myself. I also love the word “incuriosity”. An apt descriptive for what we learn when we are shut down from being inquisitive.

        I feel like much of my adult life stands in contrast to the times I’ve felt shut down by others in childhood as well as adulthood- an example being my other post about college, but there are many others. That speaks to me that curiosity is always within, but the impact of negativity can cause it to lie dormant and unused until we are able to draw the longing to learn back out and let it expand. I think honestly that we have to feel safe within ourselves first and then we become willing again to be vulnerable and perhaps even teach others to be the same if they seem willing.

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  2. You have opened something that leads to some dark places, Deb — troublesome topics. I applaud you for it. Few show the courage to explore the domain of living briefly (a normal span) and dying. The masterpiece on the subject remains “The Denial of Death” by Ernest Becker, winner of the Pulitzer Prize. Good luck to those who dare to explore that territory.

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    1. Thank you Dr. Stein, and thank you for this book title. I’m adding it to my list! I’ll be honest- my first thought when writing that particular paragraph query was actually focused on another rather specific aspect of our society right now but I must thank you for your observation and willingness to see more because the reality is that many avoid the topic of death and dying with incapacitating levels of fear.

      No matter what aspect is raised I know that fear is likely the driving force in inaction and avoidance of deeper knowledge. A personality trait? A learned aspect? A combo of both? As an incredibly curious person I really struggle knowing that folks may be limiting themselves…

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      1. Thank you, Deb. I think the question of mortality is attached to most everything. The question of values, posterity, climate change, war/peace, gratitude, exercise, diet, career, retirement, religious beliefs, children, planning for the future, etc. If we were to live forever, every aspect of our attitude toward those issues and the questions related to them would change. Becker recognized this and confronted our wish to avoid thinking and talking about the most terrifying and consequential aspect of our existence.

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      2. Oh my, yes to this: “If we were to live forever, every aspect of our attitude toward those issues and the questions related to them would change.” Even for me that concept is overwhelming to think about. This makes me want to read Becker even more and I am going right now to find the book and order it from my favorite used bookstore!

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      4. Not sure that I can Dr. Stein, as I don’t have admin capacity here at HoTM to fiddle with things other than my own writing. I would not worry yourself over the small error but if you like I can ask Vicki or Wynne if they are able to change it on their end?

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    1. LOL! I think there are a lot of us that can pull up memories of those never-ending whys VJ 😉 I’m pretty sure I experienced those conversations many times over with my kids.

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  4. I’ve noticed that something we share is a lively curiosity about people, events and life in general. I like to ask people how they’re doing and then pause and look at them. Sometimes it elicits how they’re actually feeling and other times I get “Fine.” At work I often had to throw off quick greetings because we didn’t have time to chat most of the time. Grandson is into the never-ending whys. It can get quite tedious.

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    1. I love the pause and look! The kids have taught me that, as did work situations over the years. I need to see faces and body language. Do you think there are those you can push a bit deeper, and others who maybe just need their space? I would say I have a few who come to mind 😉

      LG is amazing and you can bet even though he’s not verbal yet, Littler G is gearing up! Practice your patience 🙂

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  5. So interesting that I happened upon this article! I’ve been hopping around WP all morning– just flitting about (clicking on comments that interest me and then following to where they lead me). Yep, I’m curious! Yep, people fascinate me! As to the Einstein quote, I love it, but I also don’t think it’s fashionable right now to be curious– in fact, I almost think that curiousity is abhorred in today’s society, and that questioning is somehow seen as disrespect (how dare you question!). Personally, I don’t like to “fight” the system. If I’m asked, “hi, how are you?” i am going with the safety of “fine”– not because I fear taking the conversation further, but because I truly don’t believe the majority of people are looking for anything but a stock answer. Essentially, I believe they are attempting to be polite (but not curious).

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    1. Oh I love this comment! So glad you hopped and flitted onto our site 🙂

      I will say that I agree with you. There often seems to be a connection to disrespect when someone pursues more than the standard answer. I wanted and hoped that someone would touch on that in their comments so YAY! Would you push farther if you knew the person really well versus a casual acquaintance? I also see the social expectation of politeness but nothing more. Is that related more to the disrespect ideal or even to the fact that everyone is busy, preoccupied and doesn’t want to take the time? Have we been taught these responses? I tend to believe in decades past it might have been the opposite. It was likely that it would have been viewed as rude and disrespectful to not stop and take the time to engage- although that may come from the fact that I’m older 🙂

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      1. I want to tease you and say, “well, now you’re just badgering me!”– which is what I’d say to a close friend. However, since we don’t know each other well, I will go with the safe, “Good follow-up questions! Hopefully others chime in!” 😉

        So yes, I tweak my answers and questions based on how well I think I know someone. Thanks for the lively discussion!

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      2. LOL! Teasing absolutely accepted! Think of those as rhetorical ??? if you like, but I really do appreciate comments and POV :0

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  6. Great food for thought, Deb: “I think we often fear going deeper, and so we don’t. It may be worrisome to contemplate where those extra questions might lead, especially if they send us down into emotional responses.” I’ve learned that I need to be careful about my follow-up questions and desire to ‘drill down’. I’ve found myself (professionally and personally) in places I’d rather not roam as a result. Love how you’re thinking about the power of all of this and the different ways in which inquiry might manifest. 😊

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    1. Of course, I think we have to be mindful before jumping in 😉 As you note Vicki, we could end up down roads we never wanted to find ourselves on yet I was thinking about the perspective of the other person who may simply be waiting for that door to open, for someone to take a moment to connect and show interest. Maybe we can judge that response better if we know the person well? In a professional setting though…that has to be challenging based on boundaries and even ethics I assume?

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      1. I think you’re right on…it might take such a tiny bit of inquiry/encouragement if you’re the receiver. What a miss that can be if we gloss over and don’t extend ourselves. Yep – I see that! And just like you said, every situation is different – depending on all the variables about roles, etc, etc. Love your post…makes me think! 🥰

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      4. Miss Vicki- are you able to fix the word mix-up in Dr. Steins reply to my comment? Morality to Mortality? He asked me correct and as I mentioned to him (although I might be wrong) I don’t think I have the power to mess with others comments? If I do, I will be glad to fix it but I have no idea how- thank you 🙂

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  7. I love the way you deepen the questions about “how are you?” – such a wonderful way to push a standard query into meaningful territory. And your observation that we often fear doing deeper or what the response might be is so good. I’m thinking about our hike and the buttercups and all the wonderful questions that stemmed from just that one activity – do we like butter? why do we do that with that flower? and on and on. It’s so fun to dig all the way to “I don’t know, let’s find out.” Isn’t it? Great post, Deb!

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    1. Thanks Wynne! I find it easy to be in “teacher mode” with your kids, although they probably are silently wondering when I’ll just walk on quietly 😉 I love knowing what kids think though and how they manage to process things in their world. I think many kids don’t often offer up their thoughts and feelings though? I know your two are getting great examples in how to be open and thoughtful so they make it easy and fun. They have a very smart and engaging mom to lead them 🙂

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      1. I think you are right that kids need to have it modeled to offer up their thoughts and feelings. The vulnerability about somehow revealing how little one knows when they asks questions seems to be at play at times. And no chance that they wanted you to stop being in teacher mode!

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      2. Well I know personally that I would have grown by leaps and bounds as a child by being able to see examples of adults practicing all sorts of emotional skills. Your two have such a positive advantage to pass on to both people they know now, but also into the future as they grow their own relationships and families.

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    1. I think we would all acknowledge that Einstein was an incredibly curious person. This quote gave me the impression that he might have been reminding us to look at how our own curiosity is motivated and manifested. Maybe one of those questions like Are we curious because of what we learn, or we learn because we are curious? Does that make sense?!

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    2. I lean toward both! A virtuous cycle. As re: Einstein specifically, another quote from him opens the book Curiosity: “I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.” So, I suspect he’d lean both/virtuous cycle, too. 😀

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  9. I really enjoyed this post, Deb!

    I LOVE children’s ‘why’ questions. I never tire of them and I greatly miss that phase in my own kids’ lives. When my kids were little, I answered every question I knew the answer for and when I didn’t know the answer, we looked it up together. The nice thing? I learned a lot too 🙂

    I, too, appreciate the people who ask ‘How are you?’ and REALLY want to know. Like Ren said in an above comment, the majority of people want a stock answer and so, my first answer is always the compulsory “I’m fine, thanks.” But every once in awhile, someone is actually standing there waiting for your REAL response 🙂🙏

    I’m pretty curious too. I am always ‘looking something up’. I rarely enter into discussions though. I don’t think most people don’t really want to go there. It’s grand when they do, though 🙂

    Thank you for this!!! 🙂🙏

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    1. So glad you enjoyed the post Patti! Thank you 🙂 Isn’t learning with kids fun? I think they really appreciate it also when as an adult you are so willing to admit that you don’t know something, but that you want to discover the answers with them.

      Ren made a great point which I think maybe reflects our society today more than it did when I was younger. Do you remember the time when their seemed to be an expectation to engage more, even as a child to an adult? I do, and remember it being considered rude if you didn’t. Discussions are tough I think, unless you have a relationship established. It’s totally uncharted territory to start expounding on things with someone you just met!

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      1. I do remember when it was considered rude not to engage. I used to travel by train a lot for my work and I even remember absolutely amazing, deep and sometimes quite personal conversations on the train with strangers you knew you would never see again. Funny, I’d forgotten how people used to engage in conversations in a way you never experience now. I wonder if it’s because we are all so buried in our technology? It’s easy to get lost in emails and social media. It’s also a good way to hide from HAVING to engage. Wow… now I’m going to be wondering about this for weeks…🧐🧐🧐

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      2. Well I love that this has you wondering! I think you hit on important points here as well given that you also can remember a different time and expectation socially regarding interactions with others. I can only imagine how much tech comes into play in our non-responses, but I too hold onto that original question of fear/discomfort on some level being a real barrier to engagement. Thanks for the great thoughts Patti 🙂

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    1. Yes, the memories of those whys haunt me still EA! So I hear you saying that you sort of fell into the role of questioning based on natural ability, is that right? It wasn’t something you had to learn necessarily to be successful in those careers?

      I sure think it would help tremendously to have those abilities. Do you think it’s difficult to learn those skills if you really don’t have some level of natural curiosity?

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      2. Oh yes, that’s good! Personal emotions must have a place in this whole thing. Would you even care if there were negative emotions bubbling around? Excellent point EA!

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  11. Curiosity about curiosity — this is great, Deb! I’m particularly intrigued about the idea of adults shutting down children’s questions, potentially discouraging future curiosity and thoughtfulness. Curiosity is a great tool to get to know and understand others and better comprehend the world around us but, perhaps most importantly, it just makes life so much more interesting!

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    1. Thanks Erin! I suspect that there could be a lot behind those adults who seem to shut down questions, not the least being a feeling that there just isn’t enough time in the day. I think you’ve written that you’ve had very different experiences as a child right? If time isn’t an issue do you see something else that might lead a parent away from encouraging whys?

      Yes to comprehension of what’s going on around us! I mean really- why not as why? There’s a never ending supply of learning to be had and I think we should take advantage of it 🙂

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      1. Yes, I’m very fortunate that my parents were always present and patient, and did what they could to support my learning and understanding of the world. Only as an adult am I discovering how rare that was. My mom went to school for early childhood education, and I think that greatly shaped how she parented

        From my observation (ugh, and I hate to say this), I think the biggest issue (aside from time) is that many parents are selfish. They would rather watch TV, scroll through social media, or chat with other adults over engaging with their child, so they tell the kid to “be quiet” or “go away” rather than face the potentially annoying “why” spiral. While I’m no expert on the topic, I think this causes far more long-term harm than we realize.

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      2. I can understand what you mean about being selfish…it’s cliche but parenting is the hardest job ever and it’s sort of a “learn on the job” situation. The really lucky folks are the ones who’ve had guidance and examples from their own parents- like you. Most of us just make it up as we go along and often hope for the best that we don’t traumatize our kids to any major extent. I’ve long wondered if there’s any data out there looking at younger versus older 1st time parents regarding things like patience, engagement, etc? I know that I developed into a different parent from 1st @25 and last @ 33…

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      3. Yes, while I haven’t been there myself, I’ve seen how burned out parents seem. And, we have less of a “tribal” society where the women help one another raise the children, etc. so I imagine it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and just hand the toddler the iPad. What a fascinating question about differences in traits between younger and older 1st time parents… I’m intrigued. I’ll do some digging and see if I can find anything! If there is a difference, it would be interesting to consider ways to impart those desirable qualities in a younger parents. Hmm… 🤔

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  12. The question Why really grated on me as a parent during the toddler years but it is really such a wonderful and powerful word – and shows that kids are curious and want to learn about the mechanics of the world.

    I was having a conversation with a colleague today who is new to a portfolio and I told her that what she didn’t know now doesn’t matter because she has a knack for asking good questions – and that is half the battle.

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    1. Absolutely- that willingness to ask what you may not know or even need reassurance about is so important. I bet your comments helped her out, and gave her a pause to know that she’s working with others who understand what it is to be human and maybe even a bit imperfect!

      The why’s of toddlers- I never remember reading about or getting any warnings about those constant questions as a young parent! I think challenging may not be a strong enough word, but as a grandma who has lived through it the why’s are music to my ears 🙂

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  13. In a world rife with opinions, I often choose to sit back and withhold input, and instead abide by the ‘save your beef for the big stew’ rule. It keeps me out of uncomfortable discussions in situations where I’d rather not engage for fear (yes, for fear) of unleashing a tirade begging for the need to defend one’s position, right or wrong. Fear of confrontation, perhaps? Is it worth it? All good fodder for the introspection/personal growth mill! Why? Just because I said so. That’s why. 😂 Thanks for a great post!

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    1. Oh Julie, I love the straightforward nature of this comment! Plus you’ve introduced me to a new and quite catchy phrase- “save your beef for the big stew”! Never heard that one before 🙂

      I absolutely respect your desire to keep a level of cover regarding confrontation and tirades- Not the most enjoyable activities at all so why put yourself in line to contemplate dealing with one. I will admit though that on occasion I enjoy partaking in a tirade of my own making but that’s typically focused on one specific person who I try very hard not to see at all ever unless by accident 😉

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  16. There is a lot of everything here. As the title of my blog would suggest, I’m in search of it all, as in information. I want to know EVERYTHING! Not possible but the research is the most fun. What we knew as fact last year or last week even, can change in a heartbeat. I was a quietly curious child. Not allowed to speak, much less question, I learned to observe and when I found my first library in adolescence, I was in heaven. If there are no books in heaven, I’m not going is a daily joke. Curiosity was built into us and for some, beat out of them. That just made me more curious. When a toddler wants to pull the cats tail, I would explain by pulling on their nose or very gently on the ear. Just enough for the why to come through. We have seen parents try logic on young children. They aren’t logical…yet. An adolescent that wants a cell phone? I would think it’s a swimming idea and let them know that since I own the phone, I can track their every move and know who they are with at every moment. It’s kind of reverse psychology. I’m a bad mother. I can promise there were no public meltdowns of child or parent with that method. They were allowed to question everything, even encouraged, but as parent I had last say but always admitted and apologized if I was wrong. Once. 🙂 I would tell them it was a dictatorship until they paid the rent. A very lenient, understanding and reasonable one. I also taught them to question everything, reasonably. Especially what was in some books and often people of authority. Grown ups are fallible. You do bring out my wordiness, Deb. 🙂

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    1. So you clearly know what it is to desperately want to learn and ask but not have that opportunity. I understand more now about your comment on my other post. I know the feeling of folks not believing in you and discouraging you Marlene yet you made the choice to be different for your own children, that’s what matters and shows you learned what not to do and applied that knowledge to be better than others around you. Kudos for that. Your wordiness is always welcome because you teach me something new every time you write. Thank you!

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