It’s been years since I’ve read a Jack Reacher book by author Lee Childs. I always found the series good mind candy reads for the moments I wanted pure entertainment. Even though I haven’t had the discretionary free time to indulge in recent years, there is one phrase that has stayed with me since I read The Hard Way in 2006:
“Do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way?”
It’s what the do-gooder Jack Reacher says, in one variation or another, to anyone who is standing in his way of putting things right, usually by hitting them with his ham-hock sized fists.
It makes me think of all the things I’ve learned the hard way. No, I’ve never been beat up, I’m talking metaphorically. For me the hard way is when I’ve stubbornly insisted on a path that no longer is viable. I’m thinking of the two years I stayed stuck after my ex-husband’s infidelities came to light. We separated, did counseling, and then divorced.
Even when it was really clear that we weren’t making any in-roads to the heart of the matter (pun intended), I stayed in a gray zone, neither willing to re-commit to my ex, nor moving to cut things off entirely. In the end, my stubborn resistance to give it up finally succumbed to the reality that I knew that relationship was not the right path for me when I choose to refinance the mortgage without him. A signal neither of us could ignore.
So then what is the easy way? I used to define it as anything that wasn’t the hard way, with the hallmark hard way characteristics of feeling like walking in cement and/or pushed by crisis. But I have come to recognize a few more descriptive characteristics of learning the easy way.
It’s when I’ll accept a nudge in a direction. This makes me think of the job I recently took. The person who hired me said something about it once, and I politely ignored it. A few weeks later, they repeated the inquiry, and I brushed it aside. After another few weeks when it came up again and the benefits were so blatantly supportive of my family, I accepted that at this point clinging to my identity as a self-employed person was just being stubborn.
The other hallmark of learning the easy way for me is when I lean in to something that scares me. As a baby, Miss O had a bump on her forehead above her right eye. I first noticed it when she was about five months old and mentioned it at her six-month checkup. Our delightful young doctor didn’t know what it was and asked an older doctor to take a look. When neither knew, they said it was likely nothing and would go away.
As a new mom, I wished that was the right answer. Two doctors had said it was fine after all and it wasn’t causing any pain. But I knew I needed to lean in and find a better answer. I switched to a different pediatric practice for her next checkup and that doctor knew right away that it was a demodectic cyst that needed to be surgically removed before it pushed further into her skull. It was scary and expensive, but only by leaning in was it solvable before it became exigent.
This weekend I was staying at a hotel with my kids. We were swimming in the pool when I hoisted myself out of the deep-end. I got half way out, and then had to flop the rest of the way. It wasn’t very pretty – kinda like a walrus on land. Miss O asked why I did that instead of using the ladder off to my side. I replied that I wanted to do it the hard way for the work out. I think Jack Reacher would approve. Doing it the hard way is okay for a bit of resistance training. But for everything else, learning the easy way is probably best.
I’ve written a related post on my personal blog about what I’ve learned about being an expert from my four-year-old son: Room for More Learning.
(featured photo from Pexels)
The Heart of the Matter 
I think some things need to be learned the hard way, because that’s the only way you figure it out. My friend constantly intercedes with her kids, and in their 20s they make mistakes that they should have self corrected if shed let them.
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Great point, LA. I agree that we can’t prevent other people, especially our kids, from learning the hard way. But a few hard ways and then we start looking for our internal cues about learning the easy (or easier) way?
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👍👍
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Lots to think about here. I think your story about the docs demonstrates for tenacity than ‘hard way’. Moms need to be determined and not back down sometimes.
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Yes – and maybe not just moms but for ourselves too? I think had it been me and two docs told me it was okay, I might have not leaned in…but perhaps I should give myself the same level of care? Thanks, VJ!
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Somehow, it’s more difficult to advocate for ourselves
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For sure!
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I think learning the hard way is sometimes exactly what we need, it often comes with the key things we need to experience/come to understand. I think your point about leaning into something even when we find that challenging is a really great one. We have to sometimes do that to push through something that improves things for ourselves or others (I’m glad your daughter finally got the consult she needed).
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You have a great point about the hard way teaching some good lessons, Molly! And yes, we need to lean in to push through! Thanks for the great comment!
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I recently read an article where the writer was advocating, doing things the hard way. But they were all physical things, and his point was well-made (taking the stairs instead of the elevator…). Perhaps doing things the hard way has its place in academics too for the same reason (take the more challenging class). But maybe, when emotions are involved, the the hard way has no value?
Thanks for the thought-provoking post Wynne!
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Ah, I love your points about physical things and challenging classes, Todd. Yes, we can do hard things! Maybe it is about emotional things or learning that we can change without crisis that I’m thinking we can do easier. Thanks for the thought-provoking comment!
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We can change without crisis- that’s a great way to put it!
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A provocative and thoughtful piece. Thanks, Wynne. One way to view life is as an accumulation of good and bad experiences and decisions. Sometimes, the “bad” decisions, whether easy or hard, look different at a distance. We change, we adapt, or don’t adapt. Time passes, and we are no longer the same inside and out, calling on us to exist differently. There is no single way to live, even if, for a period of time, one way might work for one person. Sometimes it’s even difficult to tell which road is the easy one, which the hard one.
As Ecclesiastes reminds us:
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: 2a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; 3a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away; 7a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8).
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I love the Ecclesiastes verse and your deep thoughts on the subject. Especially “Time passes, and we are no longer the same inside and out, calling on us to exist differently.” Right. I’m thinking of your recent post and our discussion about how to choose wisely – you’re right, it’s hard to tell which road is the easy one at times! Thanks, Dr. Stein!
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I like the way you described the “hard way” – akin to walking in cement or being pushed by a crisis. My brain computes all of that! Even when things are easy…easier…I often find a way to add a degree of difficulty, here or there, just to test myself. Like, oh, I dunno….how to exit a swimming pool? You know. Just to check my mettle. 😉😘😉
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I’m laughing about the swimming pool, dear Vicki. Yes, I love your observation that we can add a degree of difficulty to even the easier thing. I’m nodding for sure! ❤ ❤ ❤
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I figured…we BOTH do a little of that, don’t we!? xo! 😉
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These are good points. One needs to look at the bigger picture and then make right choices
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Great way to put it. Thanks, Sadje!
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You’re welcome
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I’ll take the safe route here and use that lovely word Balance! Sometimes, no matter how many nudges and hints come our way we have to find things out with added drama and angst to really learn what’s important. Life in general isn’t either/or but full of checks and balances and applying knowledge in different ways to varied situations. I think we have to have both options and part of learning is trying, finding and using the way that works at the right time.
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Balance – a great thing to find in any path, right? And it requires developing our own sense of the feedback. What is life just making us stronger and when is life telling us to pick a different path? Love what you say about, “Life in general isn’t either/or but full of checks and balances and applying knowledge in different ways to varied situations. I think we have to have both options and part of learning is trying, finding and using the way that works at the right time.” Yes, yes, yes!
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There are hard and easy ways to learn and do things. Sometimes we don’t have a choice and the hard path is before us. Getting out of the pool, I’m using the stairs after I was unbelievably sore last week after doing the walrus method.
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I’m so glad that I’m not alone in the walrus scenario, Elizabeth! You have me smiling about that. I totally agree about that sometimes we don’t have a choice about the hard path. I keep trying to refine my own sense of what is hard and what is no longer vital. A difficult practice for sure.
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I was terrified at the few swim meets I’ve been in about getting out of the pool — more than having to race!
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I can understand why having recently tried it! 🙂
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In life, it’s so tempting to look for shortcuts, hacks, and get-rich-quick schemes. Most of the alluring “tricks” are just illusions, and results only come from taking the hard route and putting in the work. This is a great reminder, Wynne, that “the easy way” is not necessarily the best long-term plan.
By the way, I’m so happy you found the courage to seek a second opinion for your daughter. It’s easy to fall back on “trusting the experts,” but I think humans as a whole could get better at listening to their heart, trusting their gut, and pushing back when things aren’t quite adding up.
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Thank you, Erin. I think you are so right about listening to our hearts and knowing when things don’t quite add up. You’re right, we shouldn’t just trust the experts or look for shortcuts on the way to find the right path to take!
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Learning the easy way is definitely my preference as the hard way often means I’ve screwed up. Failure and mistakes are part of life and shouldn’t be feared but if they can also be avoided that would be nice too.
It’s great you leaned into your motherly instincts for Miss O and what turned out to be that cyst. It makes me think of all the times doctors brush something off and you really have to trust your instincts.
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I love this comment, Ab. Yes, failure and mistakes are fine. But when I can learn without a crisis, oh, it’s so much better.
And you’re so right about trusting our instincts when it comes to getting care! Right!
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Oh, I love this. First, I really need to read Lee Childs now. I’ve never read any of the Jack Reacher books and they sound like quick-easy reads. Just what the doctor ordered. Also, I had to laugh when you described your new job. I can relate to getting hit on the head until it becomes obvious. Ha, ha.
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Oh, I think you’ll love Lee Childs for the quick-easy reads. You nailed the description – you’ll have to let me know.
Yes, it’s the repeated head hitting I’m trying to learn from…. 🙂 Thanks for laughing alongside me, Brian!
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This post is wonder and thought-provoking, but at this chapter of my life, I’m all about balance!! I’m with Ms. O take the ladder out of the pool!!!
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Balance – a great approach! And you have a good point about the ladder, Mary. I may have to modify my exit strategy… 🙂
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I’d suggest that learning in any way is learning and that is a good thing. I mean sure, learning easily sounds great, but for me it rarely happens so I lean into accepting that some things are just gonna be difficult. [Not being a Debbie Downer, just a Pragmatic Patty.]
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Learning is learning – good point, Ally! You have a great comment about leaning into it no matter what way it happens!
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But, of course, we often don’t learn the easy way until we’ve first done it the hard way. Plus, humans, in general, are resistant to change. I’d cut yourself some slack for taking the slow approach to making huge life decisions. I’m sure a lot of people would have behaved the same way. Well, the more cautious types rather than the impulsive types, I guess.
That story of Miss O and the cyst is so frightening. It’s horrible when doctors don’t know what they’re doing. We trust them to know, and then they just don’t. They’re still fallible human beings, but still, good thing you got a third opinion!
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