Guarding Our Spare Moments

Posted on by Victoria

I love it when I hear our grown daughter offer a glimmer of insight so profound that as soon as she says it and the thought flies out of her mouth, she whips her head around just in time to see my grin.  Yep. Nothing’s better than catching our children in a moment of knowingness.  It might take some of us an inordinately long time to figure out who we are and gosh it gets complicated when we invite others into our “life soup” before we’ve figured out our own preferences and specialties.  I think I see you nodding along with me. 

I’ll set the scene for you. Darling daughter Delaney and I were comparing notes about calendars, schedules, the busyness of life.  Whenever I can commandeer a little time with her, I’m greedy and before one visit concludes, I like to peek ahead to identify when I’ll see her – in person – again.  She doesn’t live far away but being a twenty-something who’s focused on her career and a new relationship means she’s juggling and near as I can tell, she’s doing it well. 

Her papa and I are immensely proud of her.  It wasn’t THAT long ago that she was a freshly minted college grad who had the perplexing personality quirk of pivoting from a persona of all-knowing-self-proclaimed-exalted being to weeping-and-unsure-little-fawn that I longed to protect.  Surpremely confident and poised most of the time, but in a blink she could morph into my little muffin.

Don’t tell her…but as much as I’m amazed by the good human she’s become, those moments of uncertainty when she leans in for reassurance and comfort?  I treasure those “little fawn” interludes, still.  And Delaney – if you’re reading this – I’m not saying I need you to need me…but sometimes it sure does feel good. (And now I know why the Cheap Trick song “I Want You to Want Me” is running through my brain in an endless loop as I write. Sigh.  Aging brings out every bit of melancholy musical weirdness. Just the same, it’s a great song.)

All of that aside, as Delaney and I talked about her week upcoming, she reminded me that one of her close friends was getting married this weekend.  Yes, yes.  I remembered.  And as she rattled off the itinerary of prep and pre-game, shopping, and socializing, noshing and more, her tone shifted from ‘oh, yay’ to ‘oy vey’.

Individually, each of the activities leading up to the wedding was delightful but Delaney was feeling the weight of bookended events.  Here comes the moment of ‘knowingness’ I mentioned.  Her little epiphany.

Breathless from rattling off the lineup, she turned to me (and I WAS already smiling) and said, “You know, don’t you?”  Sure I did.  I was grinning – remember?  Her short-lived elation deflated into dread as she joyfully ticked through events 1, 2 and 3…but as she continued the non-stop rundown into events 4, 5, 6 and beyond… there was no joy.  Individually?  All good.  Compounded together into one endless lump of interaction? Overwhelming.

I laughed and said, “Yes, I know what you’re thinking…and feeling.  But go ahead – I might be wrong.”  Now she was smirking as she continued: “Okay, fine.  Here’s my deal.  I can do three things.  Three things only…in a row…without time to reboot.  Only three!  Three! Three! Three!”.  Now she was performing. Exaggerating.  Overacting. Catastrophizing about how exhausted she’ll be from non-stop interactions. 

Delaney didn’t need me to fix anything but I know she appreciated that I understood.  Her rant and rave delivery was cute…and I suspect she’s found ways to collapse some of the events into shorter pop-ins rather than staying for the entirety but I’m not worried.  She’s a big girl and the fact that she knows herself well enough to acknowledge her ‘reboot’ needs make this mama so happy.

Which reminds me of a segment in Susan Cain’s book “Quiet” that sticks with me even though I first read it eleven years ago.  If ever we, the unapologetically introverted, needed a manual to acknowledge our strengths, it came in the form of Cain’s book. 

Cain wrote about former Harvard professor Brian Little who coined the phrase “restorative niches” to describe the place that we introverts need to retreat to in order to take care of ourselves.  He describes a restorative niche as a physical place for some – perhaps it’s a chair or a location that feels calming or it could simply be a block of time.  A break in order to silence the sometimes intense social and interactive aspects of life. 

Delaney’s issue?  She needs to see the blank space amidst the action.  Literally.  As events and activities pile up, strategic scheduling (when possible) to avoid overlapping or colliding calendar commitments is a necessity for her to feel fully herself, to be her best.  Apple? Tree?  As she’s become an adult I see her need to balance commitments because it’s oh-so familiar.

Cain’s book honors the complexity of introversion and debunks the myths that introverts aren’t social beings.  I love the story she tells about Dr. Little, someone she describes as a ‘consummate introvert’ who was a beloved Harvard professor because of his dedication to his students, pivoting from standing room only lectures to meeting with countless students, individually, during office hours.  His workday typified the nimbleness that introverts often demonstrate, morphing from large gatherings to small groups and individual interactions – but the sum total can be a massive energy drain.

In “Quiet”, Dr. Little shared a confession about a lecture series he was asked to deliver and his creative way of carving out time to, as our Delaney would say, “reboot” in between high intensity events.  The story about Dr. Little shimmying out of an obligatory luncheon, sandwiched (wink!) between large presentations is a gem in Cain’s book:

…”joining the top brass for lunch…knowing he had to deliver another lecture that afternoon…he (Dr. Little) knew that making small talk for an hour and a half would wipe him out.  He needed to recharge for his afternoon performance.  Thinking quickly, he announced that he had a passion for ship design and asked his hosts if he might instead take the opportunity…to admire the boats passing by…and he then spent his lunch hour strolling up and down the river pathway with an appreciative expression on his face.” (p. 208)

What’s notable – other than his creative re-engineering of his schedule to create a pocket of down time?  Dr. Little returned to the same college – for years – delivering his well-regarded lectures which included his midday walks along the river.  All was well until…the college moved to an inland location, and Dr. Little lost his cover story.  He wasn’t really an afficionado of maritime history or ship design.  It was just the ruse he used to wrangle a little QUIET. 

Self-care is serious business.  Dr. Little’s ‘restorative niches’ provide the reminder that taking the time to understand self and energy should be a priority.  Taking a little liberty, I might add “Restorative Niches Can Result in Riches” in the form of happiness.  The kind that comes from listening to our bodies and making ourselves a priority.  Honestly, what other riches are there?  I think Emerson knew – referenced in the quote snipped in above: “Guard well your spare moments. They are like uncut diamonds.”

Vicki 😊

A little more? Today’s Victoria Ponders post is a trip down memory lane.  A client who couldn’t get comfy with himself as a wannabe extrovert.  Take a peek if you have a couple of minutes more to read.  Thanks so much!

33 thoughts on “Guarding Our Spare Moments”

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  2. I love when people protect the privacy of their children like you do with “DD.” I have a writer friend who calls her children WP (Warrior Princess) and Little Flash (LF) online. It is the right thing to do.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing that, Victoria! I love the Warrior Princess (WP) and Little Flash (LF) names…adorable. And you know what’s funny? My “DD” has said a few times, now that’s she’s grown, that she wouldn’t mind if I used her actual name, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I still like referring to her as my little “DD”. Thanks so much for stopping by. Lovely to meet you! 😊

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  3. It’s wonderful to see our little ones work through the challenges and it’s wonderful that no matter what age they are, they still find comfort in coming to us as parents, even if it’s to just talk through the challenge and potential solutions.

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  4. Dr. Little sounds like a very clever man. I imagine, too, there were times his position allowed him to say no more than most introverts who are in demand. I wonder if his ingenuity was matched by his steadfastness in defining his limits. I don’t recall if this was dealt with in “Quiet,” which I read a long time ago.

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    1. I love how you tease out bits that are just underneath what’s shared, Dr. Stein. Yes — I think from the sharing Cain did about Dr. Little he needed to learn how to set limits. She writes about the double pneumonia that he succumbed to as a result of an ‘overscheduled life’, retiring to the Canadian countryside. Even the smartest among us need to need to monitor and adjust…no matter how ingenious. 😉😎😉

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  5. Quiet absolutely changed my life. It was such an important read for me, and boy did I feel understood! It’s wonderful that your sweet DD is discovering the importance of those mental breaks amidst the busyness, and can hopefully, like Dr. Little, find a way to successfully implement without offending or hurting feelings. Also, “Restorative Niches Can Result in Riches” is pure brilliance, Vicki! I think that’s so true–overburdening ourselves drains our energy, and compromises or ability to do great things. The rest is just as important as the hard work.

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    1. I knew I adored you…LOL…on so many levels, not least of which is our love of “Quiet”. What’s better than feeling understood? Not much! Thanks for all the lovely feedback. It’s good to know we’re not alone with the energy drain business…I agree. What a great reminder about how we sabotage and compromise our abilities if we don’t keep our ‘true selves’ at the forefront. xo, Erin! 💕💕💕

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  6. So many great nuggets in this post, Vicki! Like Erin, I love, “Restorative Niches Can Result in Riches” and also DD’s brilliance and seeing your mom/daughter interactions. Self-care is serious business like you say and I’m so grateful you remind us how to do it beautifully!! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  7. I think your openness and wisdom has helped to direct your DD along a good path. I too chuckle a bit and also find great pride in those moments when a child ‘sees’ their own wisdom and knows how to take the action needed for themselves to thrive.

    I think we have talked a bit about Quiet before in a post or comment. It was the book my daughter found such value in as a young adult as she learned to navigate a world that was often overwhelming for her. At 30, she now also believes she lies on the ASD framework. She is a perfect example of finding, enacting, and cherishing those much needed restorative moments. They are essential for her functioning and daily life. This post is a lovely reminder that we all need to restore balance or lots of unforeseen wackiness and stress is going to complicate our lives 🙂

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    1. Thanks for sharing the ‘mommy moments’ with me, Deb. Yes — it means so much when we see our little ones…who become grown…reflecting goodness back to us. It’s hard to describe. Pride, as you said. Sometimes relief? Your daughter sounds like she’s done some good work to carve out those restorative moments. It can be hard…and sometimes those around us don’t understand. I love hearing about your big-hearted parenting – for your children and your ‘grands’. xo! 🥰

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  8. My one-and-only-child DD is the “all-knowing-self-proclaimed-exalted being.” There is no little muffin, no weeping-and-unsure-little-fawn that that needs protection. My need to mother and protect gets buried under the clamor of her busy, extraverted life. From a mother’s perspective, there can never be enough time spent with young one’s but alas, they seem to have a need to live their own busy lives. I always feel blessed when my name makes it onto her calendar! Wonderful post,Vicki. I’m tempted to send it to the daughter and three grand’s with their busy lives!

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    1. I think I understand, Julia. Never enough time indeed…I want to cling and know I shouldn’t. And oh gosh, yes, what a blessing it is when the stars align, and we can get that treasured on-on-one time. I’m realizing I need to relish those moments because our DD – like yours – is so very busy. And, as always, you honor and humble me with your sweet comments full of recognition. You know how it is when we ‘write from the heart’. Those little voices surface inside saying ‘you’re the only one…why are you laboring over this…no one will relate’. Thankfully I can generally shoo those pests away…but sweet feedback like yours is why I blog and share. Big hugs to you, dear one! 🥰🥰🥰

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      1. How well I understand about wondering who would relate to writings of the heart, or even interested in reading them. In an awareness that we are all related in spirit, it’s a pretty sure bet that there is someone (or ones) out there who will be grateful to know that they are not alone. The heartfelt sharing from your beautiful soul is indeed a gift to those who yearn to see a brighter light. 😘🥰😍

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      2. You are a maestro — maestra? 😉 Capable of turning the tables of gratitude back to me…when I’m sending love to you! “Heartfelt sharing from your beautiful soul…”? Sounds like my friend Julia! xo! 💕

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  9. I’m with Wynne, so many neat elements to your post and these comments Vicki: the self care, the perspective on Quiet and being Introverted (yes, I’m with your daughter, I would be maxed out by event #3), and the self-recognition that comes up during your daughter and your conversation. The thing I loved most is the love and kindness in DD and your talk. Very cool. The respect and love from both sides is very evident — neat to see.

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    1. Don’t we love that when it’s another bit or richness in the parenting game — these wonderful moments in conversations – often super spontaneous? Stuff to savor, I say. Thanks so much, Brian. I always appreciate your perspective and I’m grateful for your comments. 🥰

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  10. Mother and daughter relationships are special, jeweled gems! Love this – I think Emerson knew – referenced in the quote snipped in above: “Guard well your spare moments. They are like uncut diamonds.”

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  11. As a first born son of a workaholic, it took me hitting the wall emotionally with three little ones in tow before I realized the importance of building margin into my life. I was in my late 20’s. So good that you have been able to pass your wisdom down to your daughter and she was receptive. Good stuff!

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    1. Ahh…thanks, Doug! Sounds like you learned a valuable lesson the hard way. Parenting brings all kinds of revelations, for sure, and it’s fun to swap stories. 😉😉😉

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