Reflections on Joy

Posted on by Deb 
Joy
by Hilda Conkling

Joy is not a thing you can see.
It is what you feel when you watch waves breaking,
Or when you peer through a net of woven violet stems
In Spring grass.
It is not sunlight, not moonlight,
But a separate shining.
Joy lives behind people's eyes.

There’s been all sorts of thoughts rolling around in my head about our topic for August—Joy. Unhappy thoughts to begin with, which certainly seems incongruous when the topic is so much the opposite. I don’t feel I know how to talk about joy very well. I’m not even certain I know what joy is. I mean doesn’t joy simply mean being happy? 

Being the overthinker that I am my first stop was a very generic Google search hoping to find an easy answer to qualify the meaning of joy. Consistently Google noted three aspects regarding joy/happiness: 

  • The difference between joy and happiness might be that joy lies within, while happiness is the outward expression of joy. 
  • Joy is often attached to having purpose and imbuing that purpose with meaning. 
  • People pursue happiness, but they choose joy. 

The poem included at the top of this post by Hilda Conkling, thought of as a prodigy given she wrote a body of work between the ages of 4-14, seems to speak to that inner space given the focus of the last line… “joy lives behind people’s eyes”.

Then I wondered if it’s possible to measure joy, to quantify it. I was stuck on this notion that seems to imply something like a quantum level to joy, a barely there little particle that may at any moment burst out and fill oneself with exuberant and overwhelming happiness that can be counted in a data set. A Joy Meter if you will.  I’ve never actually seen that happen. I also am not a quantum physicist so who am I to judge whether it’s possible.

My next stop was a spiral of philosophical thoughts on joy. Interesting to me was that the words joy and happiness were used interchangeably by many of these great minds within their theories which sort of blows apart some of the earlier definitions.

  • Greek philosopher Democritus sought joy from within; it was not, in his view, a matter of fate or luck.
  • Other ancient Greek philosophers took a hedonistic approach to the creation of joy looking to pleasure and satisfaction of specific goals often centered on health, friends, intellectual pursuit, and wealth.
  • Epicurus tossed moral values into the hedonistic approach, as did Aristotle.
  • Christian minds also believed in the need for morals and values but ultimately sent true happiness into the hands of God.
  • Utilitarians took the approach that happiness would come from finding the greatest level of good for the largest number of people- sort of a mass happiness event maybe?
  • Currently, the perspective of most modern thought to some degree often bases happiness on human rights. Humans are entitled to pursue happiness so says our Declaration of Independence.

Finally, we cannot forget the beloved Marie Kondo and her famous phrase that reminds all of us to “spark joy”. Her words on joy include “Keep only those things that speak to your heart. Then take the plunge and discard all the rest.” Even though Marie was focused on decluttering material possessions in pursuit of joy that little tidbit fits perfectly with some of my reasons for getting divorced 6 years ago…

Seriously, while all of that was sort of fun and sort of interesting and sort of derogatory I realize I simply need to back up and regroup and go with my gut. 

Joy to me means being happy. A simple, easy definition and I don’t particularly care if I make it happen for myself, or if something or someone causes joy to happen and impact me, or even if those little joy particles tucked into my atoms really do burst forth at arbitrary moments and spark extreme levels of happiness.

I could list any number of things, people, or places, that help me to feel happy. I could tell you when I feel happy with myself and why. I don’t really want to do that because I’m not sure that how or where my happiness lies is what matters to others. 

I think that what matters is asking yourself as an individual where you find happiness, pleasure, joy, or how you create joy if that’s what you believe brings happiness. Even looking at what doesn’t make you happy matters in a significant way, and figuring out ways to change those things in a creative reversal often called intention or manifestation is an individual endeavor.

We (humans) have commonalities, but I also think happiness is as diverse as the people who experience it. I’m not too keen on the idea of cookie cutter joy, or on a standard prescription regarding where or how we should find happiness. I’m also not sold on the idea that one must seek joy, that the individual must always be searching for the positives with the anticipation that true and lasting happiness will be the result. Much like my voice of dissent regarding our Self-Care topic, I also see way too much commercialization surrounding the concept of JOY and how one should approach it, pursue it and embrace it. Even Marie had to let some of her spark go when she became a mom!

My older-age wisdom regarding happiness boils down to this:

Find happiness in life, in ways that speak to you, but be adaptable as well. Every day isn’t and wasn’t meant to be sunshine and roses. Learn to experience, sit with, and then let go of the hard stuff. Happiness doesn’t have to be, nor is it often an overwhelming emotional rush or epiphany. I personally think the smaller moments that sneak in are just as brilliant and just as profound as any quantum level internal explosion will ever be. I’m okay with run of the mill happiness and I don’t feel at all as if I’m missing out.

35 thoughts on “Reflections on Joy”

  1. Marie Kondo’s quote, “Keep only those things that speak to your heart. Then take the plunge and discard all the rest.” what a beautiful description of joy. Thanks for sharing it Deb.

    As simplistic as it may sound to many, decades ago I heard a hierarchal description of joy that, when followed, has ever proven true in my life:
    Jesus
    Others
    Yourself

    Be Blessed Deb

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  2. I am glad Fred mentioned something outside of the self. Indeed, research also reports the emotional boost when we display kindness, generosity, and help others.

    Thank you, Deb, for thinking this through. I appreciate that you didn’t stop at one simple answer. Overthinking? Not to me. I’d say you are thinking and applaud you for it.

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    1. Thank you so much Dr. Stein 🙂 I completely agree that doing for others brings me a great deal of happiness seeing that I’ve made even a small difference for someone else. I appreciate you, and your viewpoint regarding my small analytical look at joy. I really wasn’t sure if I was missing out on some idyllic way to look at or experience joy. Some may feel that perfect emotional state exists or is necessary…I don’t want to forget to appreciate all the small moments.

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  3. I appreciate your research and trying to define joy. I’m with you to keep it simple. I know when I’m feeling joy. It’s not always the same thing each day. We do need to go through the less than perfect times to get to that feeling of happiness.

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    1. I really feel joy is so individual and you are on point EA- it can change from day to day plus we really can’t anticipate what may trigger a moment of happiness. Often it’s not at all what we might expect. Personally I’ve learned a lot about small happy moments after facing the hard things, which speaks of growth to me. Thanks for reading today 🙂

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  4. I love the Conkling poem and the notion that joy lives behind the eyes. Within. Personal and individual. Your point about no cookie cutter options makes sense to me, especially because I also believe adaptability is key. I fancy those smaller moments, too – even more so when they’re unexpected. Extra joyful. Thank you, Deb! 🥰

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    1. Don’t you think you can tell a lot about people and where they are in life just by looking into their faces? I just don’t know how everyone could be generically touched by all the same types or levels of happiness and so it’s really hard for me to embrace the books/videos/people who sort of see one road. Everyone needs their own path in my opinion 🙂 Yes, absolutely with you to small, unexpected little happy bursts!

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      1. I do, I do — there’s something about the eyes. They tell stories without words. It’s a reminder to me to pay attention to all the bits of body language. And — Conkling — such a beautiful poem. The line “a separate shining” is powerful about individuality and a perfect complement to your post, Deb. Well done! ❤❤❤

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  5. I love the way you took the topic and applied your curious and growth personality to it. You have an amazing ability to tease out truth from underneath everything that everyone else piles on top of it. I especially love, “I personally think the smaller moments that sneak in are just as brilliant and just as profound as any quantum level internal explosion will ever be. ”

    Perhaps next month’s theme should be curiosity? 🙂

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    1. What a truly kind way to see my need to question everything Wynne as “an amazing ability to tease out truth from underneath everything that everyone else piles on top of it.” 🙂 Thank you! I think I would fold up into a corner if I was told not to dig into all the things we encounter as humans, or to ask why.

      I think my need to keep things uncomplicated speaks to and helps to remind me that BIG doesn’t necessarily equate to better 🙂

      Clearly I can almost always do curiosity- in one way or another 😉

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  6. Happiness for me is more external and caused by good things whereas joy is more within–for no real reason at all. So, in my mind, they are synonymous without being identical. But what do I know? 🙂

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    1. While I understood the various points of view as I read about them, and can understand why folks look to the internal aspects of joy with happiness being the way it manifests outwardly I just don’t want to make my emotions that specific. I’m either happy or I’m not. There’s no quantifying it for me 🙂

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  7. I appreciate your deep-dive into what joy even means, Deb. Each month, I also start off stumped as to where to even begin, and seeing your thought process laid out is just great!

    I love the third definition: “People pursue happiness, but they choose joy,” as well as Democritus’ notion of seeking joy from within. There have been many times where I’ve been unhappy, frustrated, or disappointed, yet found small moments of stillness or a sense of okayness. Joy, for me, is rarely a rush of emotion, but more often feels like a life vest while stranded at sea; it’s not much, but it’s everything.

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    1. I’m glad you can relate to the “where to begin” feelings Erin! I need to understand what it is I’m supposed to be writing about before jumping in and spouting stuff that ends up making no sense!

      I hear you saying that personally joy is almost a tool for you to draw from when the hard stuff piles on. I picture a little storage space inside you that you draw from that sustains and empowers you. I think that’s likely why you have managed so well for so long with the mold issues. I really like that way of thinking about joy. Thanks Erin!

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  8. I like the journey that you took in exploring what joy means to you, Deb. It really is a personal definition and different to everyone.

    I like that you shared the Marie Kondo quote because it too spoke to me when I heard of you and I can see how it resonates with you.

    I like the quote that you shared about how joy is something behind the eyes. I find this one resonates with me in particular.

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  9. I like your research about joy, a somewhat disputed concept. I agree that you have to create joy, choose joy, be responsible for your own joy. I suppose that’s why many people seem to lack joy in their lives, they don’t understand it takes some effort. Or maybe they do understand it takes effort and just don’t want joy in their lives– it spoils their worldview that everything is wrong, going to hell in handbasket.

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    1. Yes, I think if joy is truly something that we hold onto inside ourselves- sort of a tool for the hard times as Erin noted in her comment- then we can’t depend on others to manufacture it for us.

      Like a lot of things that can be helpful in navigating life there is that degree of effort we have to put into the mix and I totally agree with this: “…maybe they do understand it takes effort and just don’t want joy in their lives– it spoils their worldview that everything is wrong, going to hell in handbasket.” That says it in a nutshell.

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  10. Another interesting read to make me think about it further. I loved watching Marie’s series and got some value from them. I’m going back to my original premise. Happiness will include a great deal of gratitude and appreciation for what you have in your life. For me, personally, joy has more energy. When our Christmas tree fell down three times the first or second year my last husband and I were married, he grabbed a hammer and nailed the base to the floor right through the carpet. We literally rolled on the floor laughing until it hurt. Others would have thought it catastrophic. That he didn’t have a hissy fit and ban trees for life but instead turned the whole thing into a playful moment will bring that wonderful energy back into my body each time I think about it. I have plenty of happy moments where I’m delighted with life, like yesterday when the surgeons office called to tell me I’m all clear. No cancer to be found. That brought gratitude, appreciation, and peace. Happy me. Joy is more energetic to me. It’s a belly laugh moment in life. I don’t experience quite as often and it seems more elusive. But that’s just my outlook on it. I’m not a quantum physicist either. Of course it’s a favorite subject. They don’t understand the subject either so I’m ok not fully understanding it all. 🙂 Have a wonderfilled weekend ahead, Deb. Now, this pragmatic, realist is supposed to try and write a fairy tale. That’s a tall order for me.

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    1. Oh Marlene you had me laughing with the tree story and I think it’s a great example…however I am absolutely joyful that you got the all clear from the surgeon!! WooHoo 🙂

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    1. Big question Mark and one that I think Ms. Kondo may not want to tackle given her views on *stuff* in general. I might posit that material stuff may not be what truly is behind a sense of joy as some of those philosophers claim and Ms Kondo is asking us to figure out why we need so much stuff when joy (as some imply) should be coming from within…

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    1. Yes, thank you Julia! The unexpected moments of happiness mean so much- how can one not be grateful when they are presented without being asked for or even sought out!

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  15. I love your thoughts on joy. It is difficult to define. And though it intertwines with happiness, it is an experience all on its own. It may be exuberant, though it can also come from a deep sense of quiet. It is certainly something that comes from within, in our own thinking, and is often coupled with peace and gratitude.
    Many of my posts involve joy and I hope you’ll join the Happiness Project each Tuesday. It will lead us to joy.
    Thank you for this thought provoking post. 🌸

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