Grateful to be forged by fire

Posted on by WritingfromtheheartwithBrian

I stopped, closed my eyes for a brief second and then reopened them. I would have to try again. I wanted to know exactly what chapters were going to be covered in our upcoming exam, but the teacher said he couldn’t understand where I was going with my question.

“This- This- This- This new material, I- I- I- I w- w- w- wanted to kno- kno- know if this new con- con- con- content will be on the t- t- t- t-est?”

It was late in the day and my Math teacher had everyone in my class confused. We were supposed to be reviewing material for the next day’s mid-term exam, but he was losing the class on some small element that had nothing to do with the the exam. My friends all looked at each other, no one wanted to raise their hand. I was doing horrible in the class and knew that I better ask my question, otherwise, I would be lost when I sat down to study later in the evening.

He glared back at me. He wanted us to love Math for its balance, symmetry, and “pure beauty” and didn’t like it when we asked pointed questions about what was going to be included on the exam. On top of it, he was impatient with my stutter. He didn’t always let me finish my questions, he would jump in before I had finished speaking, making my stutter all the more noticeable to the rest of the class.

Got me under pressure!

When I was a kid and into adulthood, I had a stutter. The stutter or stammer became especially apparent when I was anxious or under a lot of pressure. I’ve written about the challenge often over the years and recently reposted a piece, Overcoming my stutter, on my personal blog site.

Most times my speech was fine, especially around friends and people I trusted, but when my stammer came, it seemed to be the most inopportune times, usually when I was intimidated by others or under high stress. I seemed to have the most problems sounding words that started with s-, t-, ch-, sh-, and th- and I tried to avoid them as much as possible, speaking in short, quick bursts

I was able to overcome many of the challenges as I started to get older and became more confident in myself. I still mess up occasionally. When that happens now, though, I usually laugh it off and move on with my life. 

Hiding my tears

As a kid, however, I was incredibly hard on myself and it was difficult to let the disappointing moments go. I focused on them on a round-the-clock video loop that played in my head and couldn’t shake them off. I remember more than a few nights, especially after awkward moments like the one with my Math teacher, where I would cry myself to sleep. 

I tried to believe in myself and push forward, but I felt every hit to my self-esteem. I look back now and I find it ironic that those tears in the end helped me. They made me stronger. We’re writing this month about gratitude on the Heart of the Matter. The strongest steel is forged by the hottest fires. We don’t always look back with appreciation for the challenges that life gives us, but I’ve come to value them.

Power in unanswered prayers

When I became an adult, I came to see my stutter as a blessing in disguise. When I’m in a meeting and something comes up, I’ll think for a split second about keeping quiet, but then I’ll remember everything that I’ve overcome. I’ll think of the Math teacher and his lack of patience and I’ll remember my tears and my hard work.

Those memories push me forward. They remind me that I have something to say. Instead of keeping quiet in the meeting, I’ll raise my hand and ask my question. I’ll volunteer for the key presentation or speaking moment. I put myself out there for leadership positions. I speak up.

I’m grateful too that my stutter showed me another way of communicating. As a kid, I might not have been able to say what was on my mind, but I learned that I had a special talent and could write about it in ways that others couldn’t. I’m so grateful that the experience helped me to become a better writer.

We all carry a burden

I think most of us carry some burden in our life that others never see. For me, it was my stutter and stammer. For someone else, it could be something altogether different. So yes, I look back with appreciation on the challenges I’ve faced and how they’ve made me stronger. They were tough experiences, they were tough to go through, but I’m grateful that they’ve positioned me for success and for who I am today.

It’s kind of strange, but I’m glad that I’ve had those challenges. I’m glad that my stutter forged me into me.

How have your challenges changed you? Are you appreciative of them?

…..

Please join in on the discussion on the HoTM site. In addition, please visit my personal blog at www.writingfromtheheartwithbrian.com to read my companion piece. In addition, you can follow me on Instagram at @writingfromtheheartwithbrian.

All the best, Brian.

Images by Pexels.

48 thoughts on “Grateful to be forged by fire”

  1. Pingback: What doesn’t kill you . . . – Writing from the Heart with Brian

  2. Am I the only one having trouble with replying? WordPress seems to be off on its own toot! As a kid, I struggled with undiagnosed ADDHD and was embarrassed about my inability to keep up. I thought I was stupid—not a good plan for a vulnerable kid. Like you, Brian, eventually I realized that writing helped me sort through all of those mixed feelings and I began to gain a greater appreciation for myself. I still struggle to figure out the nuances of politics, for example, but truthfully, at this point there are some things it’s better not to know! So I focus on what’s more important—LOVE! Love trumps politics any day—except and unless, of course, we can let love become the infiltrator!

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      2. I agree 100%! I am painfully aware that my own small ego self is powerless against a tribe of greedy, corrupt, power-hungry players who work under the radar to gain control of the world and all of us in it. What I CAN do, however, is quit adding energy to their games by focusing attention on it. I stand up when and if possible, but try to stay aloof enough to not become embroiled in their ugly attempts at world manipulation and domination through the use of fear tactics. Fear drags me down—along with others in the field around me. So I vote for love. If nothing else, it fosters peace, and I’d rather spread peace than fear. I realize that most folks don’t share my point of view, but just imagine—what if we ALL did? The world would transform before our very eyes. What better way to serve humanity than by spreading love? We can only hope! 🙏

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    2. I haven’t had problems replying, but I have had a few other problems with WordPress lately. Hope you were able to work it out. Yes, I faced embarrassment too. I definitely had things to say, but couldn’t always get them out. It’s made me appreciate those opportunities to speak up that have come up as an Adult. My hope for everyone is to do like you said, to have an appreciation for our voices and what we bring to the table. Thank you so much Julia!!!

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    3. I agree, Julia, but I don’t think spreading love and working to save our democracy are mutually exclusive. It isn’t difficult and doesn’t require getting into political differences with people. Some of the groups who work to do so provide postcards to be sent to likely voters reminding them of an upcoming election and the reasons to vote. They are signed only with the writer’s first name. These organizations (like “Indivisible,” for example) often even provide the postage for the postcards. All the best.

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  4. Thank you for sharing all of this, Brian. I think those rewind loops from our childhood can teach us so much as adults – opportunities to offer self-praise and recognition for moving forward and succeeding despite limitations or hurdles. I have a dear friend with a story to yours and her conclusion is that her speech issues as a child helped her to be more thoughtful and contemplative before she spoke because she needed to be intentional and less afraid. As she built confidence, she gained wisdom and is now regarded as a superstar communicator and leader…and I see ALL of that in you, too. 🥰🥰🥰

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    1. Yes, I’ve been thinking a lot about those rewind loops. You’re right I think they can still teach me things. I’ve been thinking how I change them from negative to how Erin talked about talking kind to ourselves. How do I get the loop to send me positive messages instead of negative ones. It’s a work in progress. Yes, my writing is a direct result or correlation to my stutter. No stutter, who know if I become a writer/communicator. I really don’t know. Ha, ha. 🙂 🙂 🙂

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  5. I, too, am glad for my challenges; while I wouldn’t want to walk through them again, they really did forge me in ways that have encouraged me to grow in empathy and antifragility. These are traits I love about myself.

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  6. ” I look back with appreciation on the challenges I’ve faced and how they’ve made me stronger. They were tough experiences, they were tough to go through, but I’m grateful that they’ve positioned me for success and for who I am today.” . . . the difficult to comprehend in the moment axiom of the trite quip “No pain, no gain.”

    Thanks for the reminder Brian.

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  7. Oh, what a great piece about loving what puts us to the test. A hard challenge at the time but I love the way you look back on it with perspective and gratitude.

    The thing that stands out to me is that even though you were intimidated by the teacher, even though you knew you might stammer, you asked the questions you and your friends needed to know. That is pushing through to a huge degree. Hats off to you, Brian!

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    1. It was challenging. I remember plenty of frustration, but I’m glad now, having overcome the challenge. Math was always tough for me. I remember hating to have to speak up, but I needed every little point I could get and didn’t want to miss out on something simply because I didn’t ask. Ugh. 🙂 :):):)

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  8. This is inspiring, Brian. Your journey to ‘see’ the obstacles as welcome challenges is the positivity that many do not have. I feel there is another element here, something else that helped you get to your outlook. I ask you to ponder that.

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    1. It took a long time to see my stammer as a good thing. There were definitely some mountains along the way, but looking back now, I see how my challenges made me a better person, more empathetic to others, etc. You mentioned other factors. My faith, family, friends played a role too.

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      1. I had a feeling your other factors were the support you mention. That is a huge part of growing up in a positive way, especially with obstacles along the way. Yes, I can imagine this took a long time. Best to you, Brian.

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    1. Oh wow, Michelle, what an experience! What a productive way to look at it too … giving renewed purpose and perspective. My wife and I have had some related experiences that have helped us to put aside “worldly concerns” and instead focus on what matters. We forget sometimes, but it’s great to come back to the important things.

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  11. I’m sorry you suffered with tears at public humiliation and had such a thoughtless teacher. As an adult, we can look back and see how unfair that person was. If we encounter someone like that now, we can let it go.

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  12. I agree. Many times it’s the challenges we’ve been dealt that shape us into the people we are now. And often I’ve found that it has taken time for me to realize how I became who I am, how well I handled what was tossed at me. You too, it sounds like.

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    1. Yes, it took time. I hope that comes through in the piece. I don’t want it to be pollyanna-like. I hated my stammer/stutter for a long time. I felt horrible . . . but after enough years, I saw how it made me into who I am. Thanks so much for getting it Ally. Appreciate the feedback.

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  13. As usual, you’ve written a post that resonates with me, Brian. I was not a confident public speaker for a long time. In high school, my dominant strategy was to avoid talking at all for fear of embarrassing myself. I had a high school speech teacher who was terrible. (Speech was a required class in California, which, in retrospect, was a good thing when it’s taught sensitively.) This guy used to sit in the back of the room and tap on a cup with a spoon each time someone used what he called “garbage language.” If someone said, ah, uh, or any other type of brief resetting sound, he would ding his cup. How was this supposed to make someone a more confident and better speaker? The effect was it made students more nervous and self conscious.

    I think you’ve nailed a key point about human nature. Overcoming adversities makes us feel better about ourselves and more confident. Good for you in finding that courage. The same thing happened to me but not until college. Now, people tell me I’m an excellent public speaker. I still get nervous, but I’m confident enough to know it will likely go well.

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    1. Thanks so much Peter for this awesome feedback. I’m glad the piece resonates with you. It took me a long time to become comfortable with my stutter/stammer. I’m still not what I would call a great public speaker. I still get butterflies before a presentation. What I’ve gotten better about is not worrying about it after it’s over. I practice and give it my best shot and, when it’s over, I move on. I don’t beat myself up like I did as a high school and college student. Thank you so much for reading!!!

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  14. We have to decide whether or not to let others control our decisions with mean-spirited comments or forge ahead and use the negativity of others as a springboard to our own empowerment. 🙂

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