When I was a teenager, I would go to a state park near my house to run on the trails to get ready for the cross country and track seasons. Other times I would hike in the woods to relax and clear my mind. I loved that the trees hung low, the brush was thick, and it felt like you were in another world.
One time, the clouds overhead started to turn gray like it was going to rain and the woods got really quiet. I walked for five minutes or so. When I got to the top of a small ridge, I looked up and saw three White-tail Deer. The largest one had a huge rack and looked like it had eaten well over the summer and fall. Now, deer have poor vision and depth perception, but they have a great sense of smell. Their sense of smell is estimated to be 500 to 10,000 times better than a human’s. Somehow I must have surprised them. They looked up from their foraging and were stunned to see me. They bolted across the trail less than five yards in front of me and into the woods, zig-zagging this way and that. Within a few seconds I lost them in the trees.
They were gone so quickly that I remember thinking, did I just see what I thought I saw?
A different kind of deja vu
I had another “It Was Over as Quickly as it Happened Surprise” recently just like the one with the deer in the woods. Unfortunately, this time around it wasn’t as pleasant.
My father-in-law is getting older and suffers from early onset dementia, a type of dementia that can make it difficult to perform daily tasks due to problems with memory, language, and cognitive skills. He’s fortunate, he’s generally doing well, he’s actually holding his own in maintaining his memory and cognitive skills, but he gets easily agitated and anxious over small changes to his routine.
I was trying to help my mother-in-law, showing her how she could watch something on her iPad and cast the movie to her TV set. I simply went to look behind her TV to make sure it had Smart TV capabilities. My father-in-law bolted into the living room and rudely told me to not touch the TV.
Now my father-in-law and I have long been close. He’s been a second father to me. In the moment, however, he seemed tense and upset like I was about to change his entire world. I told him I was just looking at the back of the set and that I wasn’t going to touch anything. He told me to let it go, that she didn’t need to watch the movie. He was worried I would play with his settings and he wouldn’t be able to watch the TV later in the day. In reality, he was worried about me making a change that he couldn’t control or manage on his own. In the moment, however, I told him to relax and matched his sharp manner, rude comment for rude comment.
The incident was over before it started, but I couldn’t help but feel that I should have handled his anxiety with more kindness and compassion. I should have used my brain and been the “bigger” adult.
Pulling me out of the present
However, my father-in-law’s shortness with me caught me by surprise and pulled back some bad memories from my past. In my mind, I was back in front of my own father. I was an awkward ten-year-old kid, we were working on the car and things weren’t going so well. My father was angry at the world and speaking in not so nice language and telling me that I didn’t know anything and wasn’t helping. I remembered how I felt useless and wanted to be anywhere but there. The memory may be ancient history, but a wave of emotions came rushing to the surface.
Moving fast forward to the present, I reacted instinctively to my father-in-law instead of calmly dealing with the source of his fears. I doubt my father-in-law even noticed the quick rise in the room temperature, but I did. I was upset with myself for failing to keep my composure and letting a burst of frustration and anger come out. I found myself thinking about the situation the rest of the day. In particular, I wondered at what point do we forget about our childhood traumas.
A traumatized youth
Adult survivors of complex childhood trauma can struggle with processing what they survived which can lead to emotional and physical symptoms. They often internalize and/or externalize stress reactions and as a result may experience significant depression, anxiety, or anger.
In one split second, I felt a rage that I haven’t thought about in a long time. As I dived deeper into my feelings, I oddly remembered being back in that woods. I remembered how I was surprised seeing the deer. Did the deer just jump out and almost run into me? Did that really happen? I couldn’t help but compare to the two events. Did my anger come out? Did it really happen? I didn’t imagine that, right? The incident was over so quickly.
Now the good part of my story, especially as we come up on Father’s Day is that my father and my relationship took a few bad turns in the following years but we were able to rebuild it over time. Yes, I still carry some of those crazy feelings of fear and anger, but I also got to see him at his best as a grandfather. Before he passed away, I got to see him treasure his grandchildren and be proud of the person I had become. Over time, we developed a mutual love and respect. And likewise, my relationship with my father-in-law remains strong.
Oh, yes, I plan to work on better managing my feelings and responding to my father-in-law’s fears and anxiety, but, like many things, I’m a work in progress. How does your past impact your present? Do you have any “did that happen” moments?
. . .
Please join in on the discussion. In addition, please visit my personal blog at www.writingfromtheheartwithbrian.com to read my companion piece. You can follow me on Instagram at @writingfromtheheartwithbrian.
All the best, Brian.
Images by Pexels.
The Heart of the Matter 
Thank you for sharing, Brian. I think the instances where we fire off – match bad temper with bad temper are humbling…make us human and fallible. The fact that you have such a keen awareness of the rush of anger you felt…and your ability to connect the feeling and your response to other moments and events in your life speaks to how wonderfully reflective and honest you are. And then sharing it with us? Even better.
I’ve had so many ‘did that happen’ and ‘did I say that’ moments wondering whether my response was too much, too little or just right. Figuring that out is a lifelong process for me. 💕
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I hope this piece works Vicki. A story from my past walking in the woods. A recent interaction. And then a story from when I was kid helping my dad work on his car. I worried about making the connections between all three. And like you I’ve spent a good amount of time over the years wondering and reevaluating my response. It’s very much a lifelong process. In the end, I usually reach the conclusion that my response doesn’t matter, what matters is what I believe! YOu do you Vicki!!!!
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“What matters is what I believe”…I like that! 😉
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This reminded me of a moment I had with my mother-in-law-to-be, when we just met. I had been warned that she was ‘crusty’. I had made her a sandwich and she took one bite and spit it out, saying it was too dry. “Are you trying to choke me to death?” she scowled. It was my father all over again. I felt myself cower, then decided to rise above it. “We’ve only known each other one day,” I responded, “and you’re on to me already!” We became best friends after that – my humour countering her gruffness the hallmark of our relationship.
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“I felt myself cower, then decided to rise above it.” I love that line VJ. I can relate too because of your use of humor to overcome a tense situation. So brave. Good for you. I’m glad it worked out.
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Certainly, Brian, I have experienced moments like you describe here. As caregiver to my husband who is 12 years my senior who had a stroke in 2022, I have snapped at him when I have been caught off guard, tired, hungry, etc. And like you, when I dive deep into my feelings about my reaction I vow to do better. As a Spiritual Advisor and empath, I definitely chide myself! But then I remember to apply Grace to myself and my hubby, quickly. I apologize to him and give him a hug, and forgive myself. I believe each time I go through this process I am a teensy bit better going forward, at least that is my intention and desire.
With love and oodles of compassion.
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We learn a lot about human virtues and manners as kids Sheila, but I don’t think we learn enough about Grace. It’s so, so important. Grace for ourselves and others. I’ve been trying to find a way to write more about it, but I struggle because it’s one of those things that incredibly hard to explain and we don’t really understand it until we see it right in front of our noses. Ha, ha. Thanks for understanding. Very much appreciate your comment!!!!
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I agree, Brian. It’s so much easier to best ourselves up than show ourselves grace, for SOME reason.
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Those of us who have had parents who displayed anger to us and at us are at risk of becoming the thing we hate. As Vicki said, it seems look you are working on what you need to, Brian. Bravo to you.
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Yea, my wife noticed I was angry but she only noticed because she knows me inside and out. It still bothers me. I guess that’s a good thing.
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What an insightful post. I’m sorry you’re going through the struggles with your father-in-law and dementia. I also hold on to trauma in my childhood because of my dad. Someday I’ll be able to write about it and hopefully get rid of the clinging feelings. But I need to wait until he’s gone. Maybe then I won’t need or want to.
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It’s funny EA, it’s a strange feeling writing about my father. My mother is still alive so I always find that I have a weird push pull. I have things I need to say, but because my mom may read what I write I need to include a summary as I did in this piece explaining how we did manage to work things out in the end. I would probably still include that summary, but while she’s still alive, it definitely feels more important. Anyway, thanks for the perspective. I appreciate it.
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My dad reads my blog….I can say things commenting on other blogs like yours that I can’t say on my own.
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Oh, this such a wonderful and relatable story. How those little traumas pop back up — how we can respond in a way that isn’t our best – and how triggering technology can be! I often think that anything I’ve experienced as a little “t” trauma doesn’t count – but it still drives behavior. Thank you for this beautiful post that pulls it all together so we can do better!
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Yes, so interesting how so-called little things can trigger us. Thanks for understanding!
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I hope you can feel better soon Brian. We all have history in some way. I was adopted, my biological mother was drinking and using drugs while i was in her belly. Some of my life was stolen from me because of her. It’s tough to think about.
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Way to be self-aware, Brian. We should all strive to learn from our missteps, as you did here. I know I have lots of moments from my past that would fall under the category “wait, did that just happen?”. I think it’s universal.
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Aww, thanks Rhonda, I appreciate that. It was kind of different piece to write, hopefully I handled everything with the sensitivity that it deserved. And you’re right those moments are really strange — that really happened, right? Ha, ha.
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I would cut yourself a break with your father-in-law. I was blessed that my mom managed to stay pleasant even as her dementia progressed. Many times people get more ornery as their cognitive abilities decline. It’s an adjustment for all of you. Even though you can rationalize your father-in-law is not the same person, the short way he spoke to you dragged up some old feelings.
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Yea, I have Pete. I was just amazed how quickly it came to the forefront. It reminded me how much and how little we understand about the brain, memories, etc. It really is amazing. Thank you though. I appreciate your thoughts!
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The lasting effects of childhood trauma events, from small to large, are with us forever. It’s managing the emotions that get us through. What a powerful post, Brian.
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Thank you for sharing this vulnerable story on such a timely weekend too, Brian. Childhood trauma are very delicate and tender and no doubt manifest in adulthood when we least expect it. I’m glad that you and your father were able to mend your relationship over time. I’m sorry to hear about your father in law but it sounds to me that you handled it and the aftermath in the best way possible.
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We’ve all been curt and snappy with loved ones from time to time because we’re humans with emotions-not robots. It’s a praiseworthy goal to strive to be more in control, respectful of others and, above all, kind. Thank you for your candidness, Brian. 🙂
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