Letting Go of Fear

Posted on by Victoria

I love this quote from Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.  The first time I read it, I swear it pulsated with insight:

The most beautiful people I’ve known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

The MOST beautiful people in the world?  Yes – in my view, they ARE those who’ve struggled and persevered.  They become a light for others to follow…like a beacon. As a renowned psychiatrist, Kubler-Ross was a beacon, creating an accessible, relatable model for the grief stricken. Keenly aware of the universality of pain, she provided a road map, normalizing the intensity of loss and outlining a path to peace.

Therapists-in-training are exposed to theoretical foundations of all sorts and to a person, every colleague I’ve ever worked with carries one or two theorists with them into their work.  Sages and oracles who provide wholehearted examples of what it means to be a helping professional.  Kubler-Ross?  She was one of my guides. Her groundbreaking book, “On Death and Dying” provided tools in the form of her model – the Five Stages of Grief:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

I remember reading her work and listening as professors presented examples of the clinical utility of the five stages.  In part, Kubler-Ross’ approach stood out because of its ability to pinpoint, pre-GPS style, one’s location on the journey of recovery.  Where am I?  When life is upside down, finding our navigational center is no small feat.  Addressing that question first opens doorways from which to explore the inevitable ‘How did I get here’ and, as glimpses of recovery appear, the ability to see a way forward, address, ‘What now’ and ‘What’s next’?

How do people move through the stages?  Do they move through?  Can they?  Each of those questions is rife with dependencies and there’s no timeline.  The solace in Kubler-Ross’ model is the liberty she offered those in pain to be angry, depressed, play ‘what if’ games with the universe (bargaining). Finding the foothold to normalize intense emotions as natural, human mile-markers can be transformative.

By the time I discovered her work I felt I’d been on a grief journey of my own.  Wishing for a relationship with my mother that was never meant to be but finding my way, just the same, arriving at acceptance and eventually, love. Kubler-Ross’ wisdom helped.

When I was in grad school, earning degrees in psychology and counseling, I had plenty of opportunities to examine my complicated relationship with my mother.  Being able to step back and examine her life with a more neutral lens was a gift that came as a result of education and my own ‘inner work’ of being both a practitioner-in-training and a recipient of care. 

When people have asked how I had the strength to write about my mother in “Surviving Sue” I share that it was a Process (capital “P” intended).  It took years for me to feel comfortable with the idea of writing about her – long before I ever penned a word.  Kubler-Ross’ contributions to understanding grief and loss were enlightening, but even more so? Her potent wisdom about love and fear, serving as courage boosters as I contemplated writing about my mom:

There are only two emotions: love and fear.  All positive emotions come from love, all negative emotions come from fear.  From love flows happiness, contentment, peace, and joy.  From fear comes anger, hate, anxiety and guilt.  It’s true that there are only two primary emotions, love and fear. But it’s more accurate to say that there is only love or fear, for we cannot feel these two emotions together, at exactly the same time.  They’re opposites.  If we’re in fear, we are not in a place of love.  When we’re in a place of love, we cannot be in a place of fear.

In order to write about mom/Sue, I needed to let go of my palpable fear – cloaked in anger and frustration.  What was fearsome? The worry that others might judge me if I shared the details of her life…and mine. The fear that I might be tarnishing her legacy by exposing her frailties and faults.  The fear that writing about painful episodes would send me into a spiral…or two…as I relived wounds from the past. 

As I started to write about Sue, I realized my regard for her shifted, softened.  When I began writing, she’d been gone for six years and coming up in August we’ll mark the eight-year anniversary of her passing.  My feelings toward her – once shrouded exclusively in vitriol and pain (with fear as the power source) were slowly replaced by love as I opened my heart to see her anew. 

How so? Stepping away from my resentment, I saw Sue as a woman who did her best…a woman whose childhood provided no grounding, only pain and torment. I began to see the dimensions of Sue as a woman and as a mother who suffered – but tried nonetheless – to show the world her joie de vivre, her humor, her big heart.  Still, as hard as she tried, those lighter facets were often eclipsed by fear which drove most of the misbehavior and madness that characterized her life.

This month, the wonderful writers at Heart of the Matter are focusing on resiliency and I’m excited to soak up every bit.  What I know for sure?  Resiliency pulled me through, helped me find the staying power to write the story of Sue.  When I needed it, I was surrounded by affirmation and encouragement; reminders that Kubler-Ross was right.  From a place of love, what seemed unthinkable and insurmountable became possible.

Vicki ❤

My post on Victoria Ponders today is the first of a recurring series – a “Peek Inside” my book about my mom.  I hope you’ve got a minute or two to hop over.  I have a question for you…     

Surviving Sue | Eckhartz Press

37 thoughts on “Letting Go of Fear”

  1. Pingback: Surviving Sue: A Peek Inside – Victoria Ponders

    2. And yet, maybe that’s another angle of the powerful Elisabeth Kubler-Ross quote Vicki used “The most beautiful people I’ve known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths”? Maybe it’s through the lens of frailties and faults the depths of the struggles shines through?

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  3. “There are only two emotions: love and fear…” Well the tears started with those words of Kubler-Ross and followed into your words- “The worry that others might judge me if I shared the details of her life…and mine.” The weight of that- to carry a feeling like that which seemed so selfish in many ways to me, and to live with it every day only reinforced the hurtful words mom would speak to me. So much anger and so much guilt for a child to process…

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    1. Sending hugs and love. My emotions are mixed — I’m so sorry that you relate to what I’ve shared, but grateful, too – because one of the worst things, I think, is to feel alone with the heaviness. Thank you for being vulnerable with me, Deb. 💕

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  4. I imagine work like this, the exposure if yourself and where you came from, will further enhance your growth and diminish you fear. Not least, it seems to have relieved you if some of the weight you have been carrying. That is my hope for you, Vickie.

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  5. You have touched something stirring in me, Victoria. Having recently lost my mom, I am still numb, but there is a budding awareness that beneath the grief there is also healing that needs to be done – as bright a spark as my mom was, there was also deep dysfunction.

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    1. Thank you for sharing that with me, VJ. So sorry for your loss and I hear you…bits of memories and awareness begin to float forward…complexity all around. Sending hugs to you. ❤️

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  6. Oh, how wonderful. In round about way, people who’ve overcome loss is a theme of many of my posts. For example, my post recently on how I love stories about how couples have survived long love affairs tried to touch on the idea of resiliency. Like Kubler-Ross and you point out, resiliency and perseverance are beautiful things. I’m interested in reading about your mother, but I find I’m interested too in reading how you overcame your own fear to “survive.” I think lots of people, whether we want to admit it or not, can relate. Thanks so much for sharing Vicki, thanks for putting time into the Process!

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    1. Oh…yay! Process….”big P”. I agree — so much of what you write it brings those stories of resolve forward…families, love…especially over time. Thanks so much, Brian. 🥰

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  7. Wow – “From a place of love, what seemed unthinkable and insurmountable became possible.” What a statement!! Can you imagine what the world would be like if we all did the deep and meaningful work you did? Absolutely beautiful and inspiring post, dear Vicki!

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    1. Wow back to you for being one of the architects…helping me frame up my feelings…providing feedback and input about what stood out in “Sue’s story”. That’s where courage comes from. xo! 💕

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  9. Vicki, I could have sworn everything you mentioned about your mom, very closely relates to how I feel about my adopted mother. I still have so much resentment, hate, despisement, so much heartache and hurt because of the way she always treated me growing up and how she never wanted anything to do with me and called me horrible names and told me I am the reason she drinks. I am still numb from a childhood that was filled with so much pain, hurt and dysfunction. I have said outloud that I have forgiven her but to be honest I don’t think I truly have because I still have all these emotions towards her to this day. I haven’t spoken with her in over 5 years and I honestly plan on keeping it that way because I don’t need to be traumatized all over again. I’m finally on the path to healing. It’s already enough knowing my biological mother never wanted me. Thank you so much for sharing. To closely relate with your feelings about your mother, brings a sort of relief that I’m not the only one who has felt these things towards parents who were supposed to nurturing and protect us from harm. Not to abuse us and harm us

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    1. Hello, Jenny. Thank you so much for your comment. I am profoundly sorry for all that you’ve endured, and I wish I could whisk away your pain. What I know for sure? Each person needs to find his/her own way and no two paths are the same. I found support often came from people who became my ‘chosen family’ along the way. Wishing you peace. 💕💕💕

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      1. Thank you so very much sweetheart for that positive feedback. That last part about “chosen family” struck hard because I have those “chosen family” I may not have been wanted and loved by my blood family and adopted family but I am certainly loved and Accepted by my “chosen family” and they are the ones who have helped me to keep going, along with my own family; My husband and two beautiful daughters. 💕

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  10. The most beautiful people had faced struggles in life, but I’m recognizing only recently that the beautiful must come from transmuting the fear feelings into love. It’s not the hardship, but engaging in the Process that brings out one’s truly beauty and shine against the backdrop of a dark past. Thanks for doing the work, Vicki. 💕💕💕

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      2. I agree…I wish I understood how the universe works…LOL…but reminding myself of unexpected goodness…like friendships here on WP…is pretty darn magical, I say.
        xo! 🥰

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  11. Yours words regarding of how your once fearful feelings towards your mom were slowly replaced by love as you released resentment for compassion and opened your heart to see her in a new light brought back poignant memories Vicki. My resentment was towards my dad. Thankfully, like you, I chose love, and we made our peace, finally realizing my resentment had been digging two graves, and dad was unaware of his . . . “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love, But the greatest of these is love” – I Corinthians 13:13
    Thanks Vicki.

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    1. Thank you so much, Fred, for your wonderful comment. “I chose love”…so powerful, those three words and your reference to resentment being like “digging two graves”. What depth of awareness right there. Grateful to you for sharing and for your reminder of a beloved verse from Corinthians…one I remember fondly from our wedding…many, many years ago. Faith, hope and love…I’m pretty sure that’s what’s sustained our marriage for over 40 years now. Sending hugs to you, Fred – thank you again! 💕

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  12. This is a nice reminder – “The most beautiful people I’ve known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.” ~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

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  13. Thank you for sharing this Victoria. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s words resonate strongly. I can see how/why she had such an affect. I will have to put that book you mention on my list. Re love versus fear I couldn’t agree more. I often ask myself the following question: Am I coming from a place of fear or love? That usually clears things up and helps me make better decisions. I actually think love is the antidote to fear. I always think of a child throwing a tantrum – you can’t reason with a child in that state. They are in the throes of fear. The only way to help them out of it is by showing them love. It’s heartening to hear how you have managed to find that love in your heart for your mum after everything. Thank you again. Wishing you well 🙏

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    1. AP — thank you so much. “On Death and Dying” was pretty revolutionary when it was written…all the way back in 1969 but still so,so relevant, I think. I’m glad you connected with the post. Your writing shows all of that depth of understanding about what drives our behavior (love, fear or what’s just underneath). I love your thought about love being an antidote to fear. Big smiles to you for your thoughtful comment, readership and blogging friendship! 🥰

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  14. Thanks for sharing, Vickie. I’m familiar with Kubler-Ross’ five stages of grief from my psychology class but the reflections on love and fear is new to me and it makes so much sense.

    I’m glad you were able to Process your mother’s death and see her anew through writing your book. Time and distance do provide healing and perspective. 🙏

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