Leaning In To The Unexpected

Posted on by Deb

“Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.”

Pema Chodron

Both of my daughters now live in Colorado. The youngest has been there about 2 years. Her older sister and family just recently settled there. Both came to their decisions to move for different reasons. The younger chose work opportunities, while the older chose a broader financial benefit by renting their existing home and caretaking another home for a family member who has lived in Colorado for years but, now retired, wants to travel without selling their home. This picture was taken while driving into their new neighborhood.

Recently the older daughter asked me to take on a small reconnaissance mission. As their home here is being prepared to become a rental one of the things that really needed sprucing up was the interior paint. Ten years and 2 kids had taken a toll on the once pristine interior walls for sure. 

My last time in the home was about 1 week before they moved so a lot of boxes, but still lots of furniture as well and a garage brimming full with their life packed and ready for travel. The house then had still looked very lived in so when she asked me to go into the house recently to check the paint job “just to make sure it looked good” my brain wasn’t preparing itself for reality post move.

I had promised to call and video chat as I walked through the house so that they could see the paint job for themselves but the moment I walked in I knew I had to take a moment, or more, for myself. Our goodbyes had been relatively easy the week before. My daughter had asked that we keep things light, both for the girls but also because she feared how hard saying goodbye would be- and so we said goodbye in our usual way just as if nothing was changing.

I was completely unprepared when I walked in. I hadn’t seen the house so empty since the construction was finished and they began moving in 10 years ago.

I wasn’t greeted by the two scruffy, wiggling dogs waiting for me to give them their biscuit treat- an expectation of theirs every time I saw them. Luca- the tiny Yorkie wasn’t there to pee on my shoe in his excitement. I wandered upstairs and into each room. The bedroom the girls had shared for so many years- now empty. In their new home they each have their own bedroom-a huge bonus to the 11 year old tween. Next door was what had become my daughter’s remote office space, but had once been my bedroom for a few months between my divorce and starting my life in the apartment I’ve had for 6 years.

Every corner that I turned, every step that I took I saw exactly what had been in those spaces for so long but what wasn’t there anymore. The place the large tub had set when my daughter chose to birth Miss C at home in 2015. The places the girls and I had built forts around the huge sectional couch. The path we had worn in the carpet running back and forth for months acting out the movie Frozen. G-the oldest was always Elsa. C was always expected to be Anna. My roles: sometimes I was Kristoff, but more often I was Olaf- the snowman. Frozen is now a distant memory, probably one they have forgotten.

I went into the kitchen and touched the granite countertops- so much science had happened there during our home school experiments. The great gas stove that had turned out holiday meals under the direction of my son-in-law who was the head chef for the family. I was always intimidated by that stove so it was convenient that the girls favorite lunch was typically microwave mac & cheese! 

I saw the “For Rent” sign in the front window and if the tears weren’t falling then they were the moment I rounded the corner near the pantry and saw the chalkboard the family had left. Over the years everyone in the family had written silly things, seasonal greetings, birthday wishes, quotes, so much about their life in small words and phrases on that board. When I looked it said “Welcome Home” in my daughters handwriting. A note for the family that rents their home…because it is still ‘their’ home in my eyes.

Because we had chosen to be resilient on our goodbye day I knew all those feelings and emotions were going to come out at some point. I guessed that we would likely struggle the first time I am with them in Colorado but I hadn’t expected to be in their house again without them present. 

My tears welled up and the floodgates opened but there was no one there to hug, no one there feeling the same things. My choice in that moment was to let go and just lean into the feelings, to allow them and accept them. I didn’t have to be resilient in that moment and space. I let myself remember 10 funny, challenging, silly, crazy, love-filled, awesome years. 

It seems there are many ways to discuss and categorize the ways in which people show resilience. I’ve kept a few notes nearby since our theme this month centers on that capacity that we have to withstand the hard stuff. Two levels of resiliency spoke to me this time: acceptance, and a willingness to sit silently and simply be mindful. 

In the article “10 Traits of Emotionally Resilient People” written by Brad Waters for Psychology Today, he notes that acceptance has nothing to do with giving up and letting the struggles and hardship win. It is about that time of  leaning in to really experience every emotion, but also trusting that when the emotional moments have ebbed you will bounce back. Leaning in also allows for the ability to be present in those hard moments rather than avoid them. In doing that you come to understand.

As the tears eased I put the hard stuff away, wiped my face and took a moment or two to breathe. I picked up my phone, started the video call and walked them through their empty but freshly painted house. When we ended the call I paused for another moment, understanding that the struggle was not about the house but about the memories and the dear people who had created every image that came flooding back. Soon it will be the home of another family perhaps, at least for a time, while my family makes new memories in new places. 

From that night I took away that resiliency doesn’t always look the same for everyone and it doesn’t always look the same every time an individual struggles. Yet if we’re open, and hold to a belief in ourselves that the pain will ease and life will move forward then we are well equipped to define ourselves as strong, capable and resilient.

48 thoughts on “Leaning In To The Unexpected”

  1. Thank you, Deb. I suppose one might say that loss is like an empty chair and resilience is looking at it after the tears have passed and another is sitting there.

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    2. Oh my Dr. Stein. That thought is profound and so touching! I chose that photo for a different reason, yet you found the true meaning behind the main object: that chair. I feel the tears all over again.

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    1. I was so caught off-guard Brian. I’m so glad I just let myself feel and experience everything and honestly it’s still hard because now my brain plays out the before years as well as the after images. I think I learn something different every time I just accept whatever hard moments come along.

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  3. Thanks for sharing a heartfelt story of a house that was well used and loved by your family! And for sharing this thoughtful encouragement -“Yet if we’re open and hold to a belief in ourselves that the pain will ease and life will move forward then we are well equipped to define ourselves as strong, capable and resilient.”

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    1. Thank you for reading and for finding encouragement! Even though I’m always 90% sure I will come out strong after something tough happens it’s important, I think, to give yourself a little pep talk every now and then 🙂

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    1. Thanks EA 🙂 I honestly don’t think I had a choice. There was nothing really to do but just live with what I was feeling in those moments and give myself permission to grieve as well.

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  5. I’ve read this beautiful post three times…and I well up each time. Your rich description of touching the granite countertops really gets me in the heart. Knowing how often you shared beautiful pics with the girls, “doing science” in those very spots…and the flood of memories you must’ve felt. I think I was there with you. 💕💕💕

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    2. So kind Vicki, thank you! Saying goodbye is so hard and we had sort of avoided that so I’m sure that made walking into that empty space even harder. I feel the tears still when I read through the post and with each comment. I think we often get used to ignoring little daily things in our lives until all those moments are presented to us as precious memories. The only choice then is to sit with them and feel all of it 🙂

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  6. Oh Deb, what a poignant and amazing post. Your description of all the memories – they just reach deep into my heart and make me cry. And I love this, “Two levels of resiliency spoke to me this time: acceptance, and a willingness to sit silently and simply be mindful. ” Wow, wow, wow! Amazing writing, deep wisdom, and wonderful lessons about resiliency. You show me what a leader of a family with heart looks like. I hope the transition is going well for you all!

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    1. Oh Wynne, thank you! Really though, everyone has to stop crying because I am struggling all over again which says to me that once more I simply need to sit with the memories and let them teach me more…

      The family has settled well and the girls are gearing up for school with all their new friends! I have a trip planned in Oct, and daughter is coming for a quick visit in September on my birthday so two wonderful things to look forward to!

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  7. You had me in tears too, Deb. I could feel the emotions as if we were there with you. Your story also caused me to think of situations in my own life (which I think is rather the goal of writing, and which you’ve accomplished most beautifully). But then you shared how to get through those times of change or difficulty. I especially loved this part, “Leaning in also allows for the ability to be present in those hard moments rather than avoid them. In doing that you come to understand.” Yes, yes, yes to that!

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    1. So sorry, my reply didn’t end up under your comment but is sitting alone as its own comment- darn it 🙂 I will paste it here…
      I’m crying all over again with everyone else and even though I’m making everyone cry I truly appreciate how this post resonates with so many. I can often be an avoider- choosing to be a resiliency queen on the outside so it’s moments like I had at the house that remind me to practice being more open to what I feel, not being embarrassed by those emotions because I always learn something important about myself when I just allow things to happen.

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      1. Same here to all of what you said… Appreciate you being transparent with us – as you said, it really resonated. And… also prompted me to acknowledge some emotions of my own. Thank you for that as well. 🤍🤍

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    1. It’s funny how places can tell the most amazing stories about the people who make them home, even when the space is empty and the people are gone. Our brains make that link without any help and we carry it forward I think. Thanks for reading today Claudette 🙂

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  9. I’m crying all over again with everyone else and even though I’m making everyone cry I truly appreciate how this post resonates with so many. I can often be an avoider- choosing to be a resiliency queen on the outside so it’s moments like I had at the house that remind me to practice being more open to what I feel, not being embarrassed by those emotions because I always learn something important about myself when I just allow things to happen.

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  10. I agree that resilience differs for each person and that it isn’t synonymous with stoic. Tears and emotion are a normal part of dealing with change and adapting to new realities. At least they are in my world! I hope the house gets rented soon so that a new family can start making wonderful memories there.

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    1. I love to walk on their trail system up there, but I think I will stay clear of going too close to the house for a bit. I’m not sure I’m ready to see new cars in the driveway, or strange people outside 🙂

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  11. What a beautiful piece. It’s amazing how a home holds so many memories and, even when empty, those memories come flooding back. I admire your strength in keeping your good-byes positive for the sake of your granddaughters. My older daughter is moving to the west coast in a few weeks and I’m afraid I will be a mess when I drop her off at the airport. I don’t do well with good-byes.

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    1. Oh Michelle, I so understand the fear. When my younger daughter moved a few years ago it was so hard even though I supported her decision to leave 100%. There was/is a lot of fear with this new move, and even though I knew avoiding the pain initially and postponing it was necessarily the best idea, I had to respect her desire when they left. I might suggest spending some moments with her prior to the drop off day- talking about the tough moments to come. It won’t be easy then either but each time you face the goodbyes head on it does seem to lessen the hurt a bit more. I wish you all the best and truly, I understand completely.

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  12. Living a good distance away from my own kids, every single word of this resonated for me, Deb… I have appreciated the comments just as much as your post – this was clearly meaningful for so many! Like Audience of One, the words that grabbed me the hardest were “acceptance has nothing to do with giving up and letting the struggles and hardship win. It is about that time of leaning in to really experience every emotion, but also trusting that when the emotional moments have ebbed you will bounce back. Leaning in also allows for the ability to be present in those hard moments rather than avoid them.” The last number of months have been challenging ones for me as I learn to face my struggles rather than just burying them. Not sure I’m quite ‘there’ yet, but I’m working on it. And I could use your words of was my blueprint. Thank you for being so candid and so honest about your own journey…xo 🙏🙏🙏💕

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    2. Oh Patti, this is just the most wonderful comment, thank you so much! I was just saying to Michelle how easy (maybe as a mom?) it is to empathize and feel rather lost when kids move or are so far away.

      I have been known to be rather stoic and bury my own feelings as well so I’m with you on this journey! I have stopped being afraid to tell them how much I miss them, I allow myself the much longer hugs when we meet and part, and slowly I am getting used to the tears and the feelings. We have to feel to love and I want my kids to understand that deep love as well.

      I’m so glad this post is a springboard for you 🙂

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  14. Deb, this was a beautifully vulnerable post. I am sorry that this move is so hard and I admire how you held it together for your daughter and your granddaughters’ benefit. That’s not just resilience but love. Sending you lots of well wishes in the coming weeks as you continue to process this change.

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    1. So, so kind Ab- thank you! We have been video chatting a lot and I talk to the grands often by phone so that has really helped. 2 hours by plane is not all that far, but it’s sure different than 15 minutes by car so I appreciate the well wishes as we all adapt 🙂

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  16. A difficult transition for all involved, but maybe a situation wherein you’ve grown a bit, they’ve grown a bit, and y’all are better for it. I’m looking on the bright side here, hoping that resilience equals love.

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    1. I was so aware of what was in store emotionally after dealing with the same thing when Alison left. I just never expected all those feelings to come out walking into an empty home. Because things are still rather unsettled, incomplete, and questions seem to be going unanswered for them in the new place I think (but don’t know for sure) that their growth process is going to be impacted for some time. Daughter is coming for a short visit in a few months so I hope to really sit with her then and get more info. More than anything I want this to be a positive experience for them, but there are those mom doubts that plague me.

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  17. Deb, this was beautiful and had my eyes welling up. I can only imagine how challenging it must be to return to a place were memories were made, when the makers of memories and all the context is missing. There is something truly powerful about allowing ourselves to feel those hard emotions, and hopefully process them. I hope that you and your daughter’s family find a new rhythm and dynamic to stay close, while far apart. 💕

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    1. Thank you Rhonda! I don’t think I had the power to control them even if I wanted to. There are so many memories there, so much of the lives of the family that I suppose wanted to be acknowledged.

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