When Will They Learn?

Posted on by Wynne Leon

About ten years ago, I was distractedly watching the local Seattle ABC news while fixing dinner and they ran a story about an attempted bank robbery. The suspects had gotten away but the police had captured the getaway driver, a 52-year-old woman.

I was in my early 40’s at the time and I remember thinking, “I would think she should know better by that age.”

It’s one of my go-to thoughts when I’m in judgment mode – often couched as “When will they learn?” I like to apply this most often to my siblings. As the youngest, I’m always surprised (and a little smug) when my two older siblings are seemingly in the dark about some life wisdom that I believe I’ve gleaned.

Lesson #1: Our goals are not the same

I think this about the wonderful conversations that I had with my dad before he died suddenly in a bike accident. I wish for my brother and sister that they had come to some sort of spiritual center that would have facilitated deep and meaningful talks with our dad. For me, these were not only the basis of the book I wrote about him, but incredibly liberating when I discovered that the thing he wanted for me was that deep contentment that he’d found through faith. He didn’t much care about how I got there.

Which leads to lesson #1 I’ve learned about “When will they learn?”: Other people are not targeting the same end point. My brother and sister had their own relationships with our delightful dad. They didn’t have the same curiosity that I did about gave him the persistent twinkle in his eye and expansive love in his heart. So what I’m bound to learn is not the same as what others want to, will glean from a situation, or even share as a goal.

Lesson #2: Saving the angst means missing the lesson

But it’s painful to watch other people suffer. I have a friend who is going through a messy end of marriage. On again, off again, lots of confusion and lack of respect and it’s so reminiscent of the end of my marriage. I want to save my friend the angst and yell “It’s over, can’t you see?!”

And that’s lesson #2 I’ve learned about “When will they learn?” If I think back to my divorce, there were things I had to learn about self-respect and conflict and if I were to have magically skipped that, I might have missed those lessons.

Lesson #3: It all comes down to love

Funny the two people that are often spared from my judgment about when they will learn are my kids. Maybe it’s because I don’t expect them to know better. I do still grump at them to take their dishes to the sink, but at least so far, I have a different tolerance, maybe because they are always learning.

Which brings me to the lesson #3, and the phrase I’ve learned from Father Gregory Boyle, “People change when cherished.” This dovetails with what I witnessed from my dad in his life. He loved people where they were, not where he wished they should be.

I never saw a follow-up story about the get-away driver. I assumed she went to jail, maybe even prison. Heck, I bet she even learned something as did I – that it’s not for me to decide when or what others should learn.

I’ve written a related post on my personal site: Patiently Yours

My book about my journey to find what fueled my dad’s indelible spark and twinkle can be found on Amazon: Finding My Father’s Faith.

(featured photo from Pexels)

37 thoughts on “When Will They Learn?”

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  4. Ah…Father Gregory’s quote. I love it so much. Change when cherished…feeling free of judgment and liberated…ready to work. Funny what we see when we look back at our deeply held beliefs and opinions – even just a few years in the rear-view mirror.
    I’m not sure everyone around me would agree, but I feel a softening in my edges over time. And your two munchkins? What lucky ducks they are to have you as their mom. Love, love, love! 🥰

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  5. I want to say definitively that I agree with #2, and I do- however in light of what I wrote on your other post I think that highlights that believing we’ve learned enough, or learned and retained after the hard lessons may not be a universal capacity we all possess. We may know better, but it’s really the follow through that counts 🙂

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  6. I appreciate your take on learning, Wynne. Some work at it, some stumble upon it, and some close themselves to it. I don’t doubt you will learn more and more. And, from where I stand, I’ll bet your dad thought the world of you.

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  7. These are all such great points, Wynne. What resonates most for me is the idea that we all have different targets. I remember, many years ago, reading something along the lines of, we’re all doing the best we can based on our knowledge and resources at the time.” I have to remind myself often that others have had different experiences and exposures… I try to offer grace and work under the assumption that we’re all doing our best. It can be hard when actions *seem* malicious but, as you so eloquently state, “it’s not for me to decide when or what others should learn.”

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    1. I love your quote – it reminds me of something from Maya Angelou, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.”

      But yes, it is very hard when other’s actions seem malicious. A whole practice to develop some grace for that! Thank you so much for the insightful comment!

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  8. I love how you said your father “loved people where they were, not where he wished they should be.” That’s a lesson in learning, life, and love all wrapped into one. I wish I could do that without having to think about it. Maybe it just takes more practice and more patience. Thank you for a great lesson!

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    1. I’m going to take a stab in the dark and say that if you are thinking about it, you are probably already doing it, Michael. But speaking personally, yes, I’d say it takes practice and patience for sure! Thanks for a great comment!

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    2. The quoted words here are the ones that dove right into the heart of my heart today, for like reasons. I’ve sat with them for several minutes already, clear THAT they relate to something (still aspirational for me) I read from Richard Rohr earlier this morning, without being clear, yet, HOW. Another rumble right here, it seems. 🙂

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  9. Oh Wynne, such important wisdom in this piece about life itself that I’m viewing from the context of parent. When will these kids learn indeed. Such a tough balancing act. I agree that when we lead with love and empathy, that’s when see change happens. I often find discipline and lecturing, while important, are not always the most effective approaches. And sometimes, our kids and us need to go through the experience (whether it be a messy end of marriage or whatever) to experience the lesson learned.

    Wishing you all a happy week of learning ahead!

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    1. Love this wish for a happy week of learning ahead. Right! And yes, through the lens of a parent. Discipline and lecturing not always being the most effective approaches. I completely resonate with that! Happy Monday, my friend!

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  11. I love your father’s wisdom Wynne. Such a great way of treating people. “He loved people where they were, not where he wished they should be.” I definitely struggle with this one. I find I jump to conclusions, then over time realize how silly I’ve and work my way back. I would be much more helpful and understanding if I reversed that! Ugh. Ha ha ha

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  13. I love that you had the curiosity to find out what was behind the twinkle and the love! I’ve noticed my youngest sibling (a sister) definitely has a different relationship with my dad, than the rest of us (I am one of 4) In our family dynamic, by # 4, dad was much more relaxed (and present) dare I say than when I was growing up. She can say things to him I would never dream of saying. I think in our family dynamic two things re going on….her being the youngest, and a girl. I definitely see a difference. Your conversations would have given him a lot of joy. I am convinced of it.

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  15. Your first point is where I’ve made my biggest relationship mistakes in my life. I no longer assume we are motivated by the same goals, but at one time I did. You gotta meet people where you find them, this is what I’ve come to believe.

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  16. Your father was such a great one and through your writings you are following up his legacy and I love this – “People change when cherished.” This dovetails with what I witnessed from my dad in his life. He loved people where they were, not where he wished they should be.”

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