Defeating Trauma With Courage

Posted on by Deb

I told a rather light-hearted tale on my personal blog this morning. A brief glimpse into what I remember as a rather courageous act for someone who was not often willing to stand up, or stand out. I remember it mostly as a first glimpse into what being bold and brave might feel like. 

At The Heart of The Matter today I am pulling another story for you from my past. You may or may not agree with the decision that I made. This story is one that for some may be difficult to read. It may make you uncomfortable, or question what you would do given the same circumstances. It is a story about an agonizing decision that I didn’t take lightly then and that still fills me with deep emotional sadness today.

When I entered high school, the impact of mom’s personal trauma during childhood manifesting in severe mental health issues fueled by her coping method of alcohol abuse, had reached a peak. Dad was in a constant state of avoidance, shutting himself away from her, and me and basically living with his bourbon bottle from early morning until stumbling into bed at night. My way of coping was to be out of the house as much as possible, avoiding the constant barrage of nasty, hurtful, derogatory and disparaging comments from mom. 

I hid all of this from my friends, too embarrassed to even try to explain my parents in any way that they could understand. Yet there is an odd level of irony that  those years of high school were a time I look back on as filled with adventure, fun and genuine happiness…as long as I wasn’t home. 

Dad got sober during my senior year and I’ve shared how that decision changed our relationship in this post. For a time we went the route of family interventions hoping to convince mom that life was possible on the other side of her trauma. Unsuccessful is a kind word, as the attempts only added fuel to moms fire. Later, dad made the decision to divorce mom which meant that I could build my relationship with him without moms interference. As the years passed, I saw less and less of mom. I admit it was absolute avoidance on my part. If I did have to see her I felt a need to literally gear up for battle before going in as her words didn’t just sting, they cut to the bone. Everything and everyone who had ever harmed her seemed to live within me and her goal was to make sure I knew that I personified all the bad in her life.

By 1981 I met a man and fell in love. Dad, even after divorce, had kept a level of contact with mom. He cared for the house that I had grown up in so that she had a place to live. I did see her sporadically, if I could muster up the strength and it was always when dad was present. In 1983 as my marriage neared I tried to make sure she had some idea of our plans. It was only just weeks before the event that she grudgingly decided to attend the wedding. My first child was born in August of 1985 and Mom showed a small level of interest so for me a bit of hope reignited- a wish that perhaps with a new grandchild there could be change. 

Our relationship only got worse however. There are long and numerous stories, stories that fueled my frustration, anger, and yes I admit even hatred for years. For all of the things that I had done badly as her child I was now being told explicitly in endless phone calls that as a mother I was even worse. I endured tirades regarding her demands about being involved with her granddaughter on her terms until I simply refused to answer the calls. While I knew logically that so much of who and what my mom was came from her own physical and emotional trauma, as an adult and a mother it was time to make a decision. It would take many, many years to finally understand more about mom, but in that specific space and time as a new parent I could only focus on the safety and well-being of my child. The only answer was to remove myself and my family from my mom outright and have no more contact with her. It would be early in 1995 before I would see her again, just 1 week before she died. 

My son and younger daughter never met their grandmother. Cara, my oldest, has no real memories of her. We have talked at length and often about how their grandma lived, and why I felt so strongly that their grandma couldn’t be a part of their life. As an adult, it is only within the last few years that I have become aware that horrific trauma could be passed down and carried through generation after generation in a family. I have spent countless hours trying to understand, deal with, and accept the framework of generational trauma that I live within. As a young mother I only knew that I had to be powerful enough to keep my children safely away from harm. 

“I feel quite fearless protecting the people I love…”

Paloma Faith, Singer & Actress

I told you earlier that I believe my decision to step out of mom’s life was courageous. I still believe that. Of course during childhood my only wish was to have a mom- present, kind, interested, loving, available. Even as I became a parent I still desperately wanted that same thing. Alongside those desires was the reality however, and without knowing why at the time, that final action of stepping away was the first break in the chain of trauma both for myself but also for my own family. 

Ultimately neither my husband nor I could find a way to come together to heal and that aspect of generational trauma played out in divorce- another in the long line that marks page after page of both his and my history. Yet that very wrenching decision to acknowledge the toxicity in mom’s world and separate from it has allowed me to continue forward. It allowed me to see myself and my place as a marriage partner and to know that the chasm would continue to grow, not diminish over time. That early decision has also allowed me to have the relationship with my own children that I so desperately wanted with mom. 

I know that for some, stepping away is seen as not trying hard enough. For me, letting go doesn’t equate to failure, but to learning and growing and moving forward. Every day I see and feel my strength and courage being passed on through the lives of my children and their own families and that was always my ultimate goal as their mom.

**Featured Image credit: Pinterest

66 thoughts on “Defeating Trauma With Courage”

  2. Courage, love…in abundance and embodied in these words: “As a young mother I only knew that I had to be powerful enough to keep my children safely away from harm.” Thank you for all of this, Deb. 💕

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  3. I often heard versions of this story in my psychotherapy practice, Deb. Those who could not break free increased the chance that they and their children were broken. The opinions of others who have not lived in your shoes and judge your decision as a mistake must be set aside. You were courageous and did your children and your new family a service.

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    1. Thank you VJ. The judging has really been associated with other family members always. I found it to be totally different outside that circle, and here on WP I know the kindness and love behind everyone who reads and interacts on this blog and within my personal blog. I appreciate everyone who reads and accepts that we are all very unique in our choices and actions. 🙂

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  6. I can only imagine the courage it would take to walk away from family, even when that member of the family is causing harm. You did the right thing, Deb, for you and for your kids. You’ve broken the cycle of generational trauma. 💕

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    1. Thank you dear Erin! I think the changes that I saw with my dad made a huge impact on me as well. He was an inspiration and I knew that he understood exactly why I made the choices that I did. It had to start with someone…

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  7. enforcing personal boundaries for yourself and your loved ones is a very courageous and brave thing. it’s not called quitting, it’s called preservation! ❤

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    1. Thank you ren, I so appreciate that POV and agree. Others in my family did not, and I have seen their choices impact their lives much differently. It was a much different time, when so little was acknowledged within the history of families. Thankfully more people understand today and are just as courageous in making really hard decisions.

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  9. My parents did the same thing when I was in grade school. The walked away from their parents who were alcoholics and destructive to their lives. You story puts it in a new perspective for me. you were courageous.

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    1. Oh EA, I appreciate you sharing that! It really wasn’t the norm to step away from family. Lots of stigma and criticism involved- judgement for sure as well. I understand the ideals that family always supports one another, cares for one another, etc. but when it becomes so detrimental to surround yourself with so much hate and the refusal to acknowledge the issues… I am glad that we are now at a place in society where we are understanding that we have to consider and believe in ourselves and what is absolutely a necessity to say NO to to survive.

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      1. Yes, things have changed since we were growing up. I got a lot of uncomfortable questions around holidays from well-meaning parents of my friends on why we wouldn’t see relatives for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

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      2. Oh wow, do I remember those comments, and the quizzical looks of sheer disbelief from so many! Not always easy to disregard the value judgments of others at those times…

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    1. Thank you Brian. I saw some of the same emotions that I assume your mom might have experienced in your post yesterday about her choices in leaving not just her family but her entire community. As I said, I can only admire her courage in finding what was the right path for her and ultimately for her family as well.

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      1. Yes, I do think a lot of similarities. I was a kid so my memory is a little fuzzy, but that’s exactly what happened. One of my mom’s older sisters was not all that understanding. My mom wasn’t rude to her, but essentially made the decision to move on without her. There was very little interaction. My mom figured she didn’t need that negativity.

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  11. Congratulations on making a very wise decision in favor of self-care, self-protection, and self-love—and that of your family. I am aware that there is a movement toward “generational healing” in which we can go back and help those generations of the past move forward by helping them to heal the trauma which they experienced in this lifetime. If you are interested in learning more, there is some good information available on Google. Search inter general healing. Blessings!

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    1. Thank you so much Julia! I think so much of what we knew then regarding these tough family situations was based on established social norms and expectations, often regardless of individual needs. It was thought to be selfish to speak out, or step away.

      I appreciate the mention of intergenerational trauma and healing resources. I have been reading extensively from some really informed sources for a few years now, finding one or two books that especially allowed me to pinpoint many of the things my family experienced, and they also helped me walk along the path to answer a lot of the why questions. They were/are/will continue to be sources I am profoundly thankful for, and ones that I have passed on to my kids as well.

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      2. Yes Julia, I agree! It was an instant lightbulb moment for me when I first became aware of what our families share subconsciously from their past. I hope more people are willing to look into their own family history and make strides to heal themselves while stopping these cycles we perpetuate.

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  12. Sometimes leaving, stepping away from, people who do harm is the only solution. It’s incredibly painful, especially when it is family, but self-protection is crucial. And if the person leaving is a parent, it is that person’s duty to do so in order to be a good parent.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind and understanding comment today! There was a lot of letting go, not just physically but also on an emotional level, knowing that mom would never be able to go beyond her own fear and pain.

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  13. I’m not sure how anyone could find fault for you wanting to protect your children. You made a choice on their behalf. You learned you didn’t want to have the same type of relationship with your own children. I’d say that was the mature and responsible thing to do.

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    1. Thank you Pete, I appreciate that. It was truly other family members who had very different viewpoints about what was correct- or not within the accepted family relationship who were ‘critical’ or unable to understand why I made that decision. Looking back now, they were also dealing with their own levels of trauma yet I’m sure feeling stuck. Later my decision, as I was informed, caused jealousy among a few who wanted to do what I did but could not for their own reasons. All in the past now and probably better that I didn’t know enough to be aware at the time.

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  15. You did what you had to do during a stressful time in your life that didn’t involve just you anymore. When trying to reason with screamy, aggressive, irrational alcoholics, you may as well be talking to a brick wall.

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  17. Your kids are blessed to have you as their mom. Life is hard enough, when you’re in those years raising little ones…what you were dealing with on top of that w/ your mom….I have nothing but respect for you Deb. I catch little glimpses of that pain you allude to from my wife..(her mother was also an alcoholic) and the marks that were left on her. …and on a completely different note, when is your trip to Colorado? I know you are heading out there sometime this month. Take care ! DM

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    1. Oh Doug, that is such a compliment. I appreciate your words so much. I remember believing that I was the only one for a long time, but the more I learn the more I know so many are dealing with a lot of pain passed on within the family. I’m sorry that M has the struggle as well, but I suspect you bring her a great deal of comfort and are a willing ear if she needs to talk or simply sit and reflect knowing you support her.

      I love that you remembered the trip! I’ll be heading out in just under 2 weeks. Really looking forward to it for sure 🙂

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  18. A beautiful and courageous post, Deb! Your comment, that your decision was ” the first break in the chain of trauma both for myself but also for my own family” makes so much sense to me. I think the need to remove ourselves from relationships that are toxic or injurious is the first step to understanding them. At least for me, it’s too hard to understand the swirl when I’m in it. And then to protect your kids, know your terms, and heal yourself? So brave. Of course you wanted it to be different – so you made it different from your kids even though you couldn’t have it for yourself. Amazing! ❤

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    1. Aww, thank you Wynne! I agree with you- it’s too hard to stay planted within the environment of pain and really expect to find solutions. I think folks need to understand that stepping back, or completely away may be the only way to heal. Saying enough is okay and a big part of that moment is valuing yourself enough to do it 🙂

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  19. Stepping away from a relationship is hard, and yes, stigma filled, but it does take real courage to own up to the truth that it’s not working and to move on, regardless of potential judgment. I’m glad you prioritized yourself and your children and that you found the relationship with them that you were seeking in your mom. Courage is often rewarded and I’m glad it was in this story.

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    1. I appreciate your, and everyone’s understanding and support Ab. The judgement came from family which created its own issues on top of everything else so really the impact of generational trauma continues even now. I am so thankful that I’ve been able to create a different relationship with my kids.

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  21. This is so good – “For me, letting go doesn’t equate to failure, but to learning and growing and moving forward. Every day I see and feel my strength and courage being passed on through the lives of my children and their own families and that was always my ultimate goal as their mom.”

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  23. I firmly believe that there are absolutely times when the only right thing to do is step away. I’m so glad you had the courage to walk away from your mother, especially after you had children of your own. And then make the decision to walk away from a marriage that was no longer working. That does take a lot of courage, in my opinion!

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    1. Very kind and understanding words Ann, thank you! I can’t begin to imagine where I would be- or more importantly who I would be, had I stayed in either one or both of those relationships. I don’t think- no…I know it wouldn’t have been good in any possible way.

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  24. Never, ever question yourself or the decisions you made to protect yourself and your children. We always look at those who did not have your courage or strength and we shake our heads because the price they pay becomes larger and more widespread. It will infect more generations if you don’t show the strength to break the chain. I had to set serious boundaries for my own mother. She was great with my children but would shred me in a heartbeat over and over. A few weeks visit would send me back into therapy so no contact was best. I could not even speak to her on the phone. You did a good thing and I can tell it took everything you had to do it. There is no what if on this one. She couldn’t move toward you in a healthy way so you had to keep her from further destruction. Bravo! I’m sorry you had to go through all that and sharing it will help someone who is still afraid to do what needs doing.

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    1. Marlene, your words are so honest and kind. I appreciate you sharing about your mom as well. I don’t think I’ve heard before that you experienced some of the same things so I see you clearly get it. The people who really questioned were other family members actually, and looking back they had their own issues…still do actually and my time with them has been limited at best. My kids all understand, that was what mattered to me most.

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      1. My relationship with the people that were my parents was fraught with abuse both physically and emotionally all the way to the end. But when I saw where they came from, I began to forgive right from the beginning. It was more for me than for them. I win. My fist husband and children’s father was so emotionally distant from all of us that it was like we lived without him. So I created the life I wanted for us in spite of it. You did much the same. We see what we don’t want and go about creating what we do. There is no rule that says those people have to physically stay in our lives. The rule is to let them go with love so we move forward with grace.

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      2. Those are perfect words and a perfect viewpoint. That moment doesn’t always come for everyone, the realization that the letting go is for the individual, not the people causing the pain. When we value ourselves then we can find ways to value others in our lives- especially the most important ones like our kids. These are such wise words Marlene, as always when you share! I hope folks will read these comments as they are powerful and true and so valuable to everyone who struggles. Thank you!

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  27. Well said and well done. It takes a certain kind of spunk and perspective to have the strength to break free from dysfunctional family relationships. I agree with you about letting go to move forward to something better.

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    1. Thank you Ally Bean 🙂 I like the word “spunk” a lot. Erin mentioned feisty in a comment on her blog and they sort of go hand in hand I think. I will gladly accept being known as both spunky and feisty. At that time I saw no other choice…all based on my kids and knowing there was no way to predict where mom might go with words or actions if around them.

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