Congratulations for Staying In The Game

Posted on by Wynne Leon

The other night, we were snuggled up at bedtime, when eight-year-old Miss O said, “I asked all my friends at recess to play with me and they all said, ‘no.’”

Four-year-old, Mr. D hadn’t shown any sign he was tracking until he chimed in with, “Amelia [one of his classmates] says I can’t follow directions.”

I almost started in by asking Miss O, “All your friends? How many did you ask? What about X” before I remembered my practice to just believe people when they tell me what hurts.

So instead I asked, “What hurts more – the inside hurts or the outside hurts?”

Miss O answered, “Well, for the outside hurts we get a band-aid or a cast and they heal.” And then we talked about how it’s harder to have a plan for healing the inside hurts.

As I was sitting with my cup of tea after this conversation, I was mulling over how hard human relations are. Do we give ourselves enough credit for mustering up the courage to stay in the game?

“Doing stuff is hard, shout-out to anyone doing anything.” – unknown

For close relationships, we might be looking away when someone tries to show us what’s important to them, choose harsh or judgmental words because we’re tired, or pull back instead of being vulnerable.

When we meet new people, we do the dance of acceptance, availability, and interest to see if there is a match. And when there isn’t, one or both can come away bruised on the inside.

Random encounters can leave lasting marks too. I probably had 100 delightful interactions, gestures, or smiles with strangers last week, but it’s the one where I witnessed a dad calling his kid a “f*&(ing nightmare” that stuck with me.

It makes me think that we are all so incredibly courageous for trying. Specific to WordPress, it feels like a wonderful community. Even so we have to be brave enough to hit “Publish” and “Send.”

So sometimes we have inside hurts, and just like outside hurts, they heal better with a plan. Clean the wound, be gentle with it for a while, and then run back out to play. Shout-out to you for doing stuff.

Thank you for reading. For a related post, please see my personal blog: Everything I Needed to Know About Socialization I Learned In Puppy Kindergarten

50 thoughts on “Congratulations for Staying In The Game”

  1. Pingback: Everything I Needed To Know About Socialization I Learned In Puppy Kindergarten – Surprised By Joy

  3. I have written a few articles in my blog that it took real courage to hit Publish, so I know what you mean. I thought people would surely react big time to those posts. Funny thing was, nothing happened.
    As for the dad who said something shocking, maybe it was a one off due to him having a bad day. Maybe not. We can only hope he isn’t a monster.

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    1. What an interesting comment, Sheila. I know what you mean about those posts that take that courage and the audience seems not to realize. But I’d argue that just by virtue of you hitting the publish button, something did happen – it strengthened you from the inside!

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  4. Shout outs to all the brave ones, indeed…whether hitting that ‘publish’ button or getting ourselves into the mix again after we’ve tended to our wounds – big or small. Cheers to the Monday morning encouragement, Wynne! 💕

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  5. The “inside hurts” are so hard and it’s especially painful when we are watching our children experience and process them. You just want to scoop them up and protect them. But you approach it with such wisdom to guide them through the process.

    Rejection is so hard even for us adults to experience, much less a young child still forming their identity and self concept. Way to go for Miss O for working through it and not internalizing those hard feelings.

    Mr D’s friend Amelia sounds like a busybody. 😆🤣

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    1. Oh, I’m howling about Amelia being a busybody. She has two twin baby brothers. It might be self-preservation. 🙂 🙂

      You are so insightful with your comment. Especially, “Rejection is so hard even for us adults to experience, much less a young child still forming their identity and self concept.” Yes – hard to keep the channels open but oh so necessary.

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  10. Isn’t it a real truth that as a parent we so want to shield our kids from those inside hurts for as long as possible, yet as adults we know that the only way for them to grow is to face, learn from and choose ways to keep going despite the stings? We can lay the groundwork, always keeping in the back of our minds that the ultimate choices will reside with them. You dear Wynne, are doing your part in an exemplary way…always.

    That quote is going to be one of my favorites going forward- pretty much brilliant in it’s straightforward truth I think 🙂

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    1. Ah, Deb – I love your note that the ultimate choices reside with them. Yes, it can be hard to just stand by but you’re right – we just lay the groundwork. And thank you for that wonderful compliment. I’m just doing my best…which is sometimes better than others.

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  12. I love how you position the complex topic of human relationships within the child-friendly lens of “inside hurts” and “outside hurts”–it somehow makes is so much more approachable. And I love the wisdom and simplicity of your statement “that we are all so incredibly courageous for trying.” Amen to that! Miss O and Mr. D are so lucky to have you as their guide in life. 💖

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  14. Put this post/lesson in your upcoming how-to be a great mother book! And of course, this is so good – ” Clean the wound, be gentle with it for a while, and then run back out to play. Shout-out to you for doing stuff.”💖

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  15. “Believe people when they tell me what hurts.” No, gosh darn -it Wynne. They need to listen to me. I know exactly how to fix the problem. Ha, ha, this one is so hard for me. I want to fix it. I want to make things right. But, as you might expect, that gets me into trouble. My family thanks you for the lovely post. I’m sure they’re all hopeful that I’ll be start to be like you and “just be” with them rather than talking at them. As far as the father calling his child a f#$#$# nightmare . . . I get sarcasm and I’ve joked about my own kids in ways that I’m sure others would cringe, but that’s just not right. I would argue that he’s lost focus on what it means to be a father and what kind of message does that send to them. Ugh.

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    1. I’m laughing, Brian! The just “be” with them is the hardest part. I’m a darn good troubleshooter in my day job — and I want to apply it to the rest.

      Yes, that father…he was so angry that I think you are right – not focused on what it means to be a father. I’m hoping it was just momentary but I’m thinking it might not be.

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  17. The inside wounds stay with us longer because no one can see them unless we’re able to talk to them with a trusted friend.

    The brutal and hurtful words of that incident with the angry parent are heartbreaking. It’s quite possible that the child will model this behavior if this is the way they’re normally talked to. I recall going down the aisle of a grocery store and saw an obviously stressed out parent who looked like she was at the end of her rope with her little one. I overheard her say to her child, “Put that back or I’m going to break your arm.” ☹

    In your daughter’s case, if this becomes a repeated problem instead of a one day situation, I would advise her to speak to her teacher privately. It’s likely most kids in the class have no inkling this is how she is feeling. We had occasional classroom meetings in my class, and this is an issue I brought up with my students identifying no one specific. I’d ask them if they had ever had this problem, and nearly every hand would go up. Then, I’d ask kids to tell how they handled that problem, and many would offer advice. If the problem persisted, I’d secretly find lonely children a playground pal.

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    1. Oh Pete, you are such a great teacher. What a great idea. It seems like just a one day thing – with a great side-effect of her being more sensitive to others who might have the same experience.

      And that line you overheard in a store – so heartbreaking. I get that parenting is hard but I agree Pete, it’s going to get passed down if repeated.

      Thank you for such an insightful and kind comment!

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  20. I read this yesterday morning and let it be my last post for the morning. I really, really wanted to be sure I carried this idea/mindset from it with me through my day: “we are all so incredibly courageous for trying.” We’re trying, and it is courageous and great–and, oh! How I love that quote from “unknown.” In-deed. 😀

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