The Courage to Ask Questions

Posted on by Wynne Leon

When my mom recently replied to me with a sentence starting, “You must understand,” my attention suddenly focused. Understanding my mom has always been harder for me than it was to relate to my dad. He and I shared the same big picture approach to life. Whereas my mom is so much more detail-oriented that it feels harder to find where our Venn diagrams of how we see things overlap.

My mom was responding to my question about her need to make sure my eight-year-old daughter, Miss O’s, hair was neat. I had been wondering why she was compulsive about that and was waiting for a gentle moment to ask. It doesn’t really bother me (especially as it removes brushing Miss O’s hair from my to-do list) so I was just curious as to what messy hair signifies for her. Uncared for children?

“You must understand that I grew up with a mom that was constantly worried about what the neighbors would think.” I knew her mom, the one she refers to in that sentence, because my grandmother lived until I was in my late 20’s. She was a brilliant pianist and had a natural aptitude for numbers, but was incredibly self-conscious and insecure.

And yet my mom is confident, determined, and strong. Just last December she dove for the ball while playing ping-pong, fractured a couple of ribs, declared her “competitive nature got the best of her common sense,” and was back up to doing strength training three weeks later.  

Her “You must understand” response tells me that she’s done a lot of work to be the person she is instead of staying within my grandmother’s shadow. But a vestige of “what would the neighbors think” remains.

For some reason it’s taken a lot of courage to ask my parents questions like these, the ones that feel like they might change the status quo. Even with my expansive dad, it felt risky, like I was stepping outside the bounds of our accepted operating agreement. To do it gently and with curiosity has given me the best results. I frequently reminded of how grateful I am that I’ve been able to hear their “You must understand…” answers that become forever out of reach when they die.

Out of my conversations with my dad, I found acceptance and got a bit of his magic and sparkle; enough to write a whole book about. And from this latest one from my mom, I’ve found a little bit of understanding. For as far as we go, we are still anchored to our base. When we ask the tender questions, we find out a little bit more about what that base is.

For more on my delightful dad and the other wisdom I gleaned from him when I dared to ask the questions, I’ve written a book, Finding My Father’s Faith. For more about facing the fear that comes with answers, I’ve written a post on my personal blog today, Leaning In to Answers

44 thoughts on “The Courage to Ask Questions”

  1. Pingback: Leaning In To Answers – Surprised By Joy

  2. “…as far as we go we’re still anchored to our base”…I love that thought, Wynne. A little realism with a splash of romanticism about loving and respecting our elders…here or gone. Xo ❤️

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  3. I love your questioning mindset. I found that grandkids helped ease the way for a lot of these questions. Once I got over my “mom, does it really make sense to worry so much about your granddaughter’s hair, she’s just going to mess it up in five seconds” complaints. It was helpful to take a step back and see question from a place of understanding. I found that I learned a lot about my parents and, probably, more about myself. I’m with Vicki too. I love your line about being anchored to our base. Insightful!

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  4. It’s fascinating how different our relationships are with each parent. But I’m glad that you are finding these opportunities to get your mom to open up too. It’s never too late. It might inspire a follow up book one day too! 😊 I think it all starts with a questioning mindset and a genuine openness to learn.

    Hope you and the family have a great week ahead!

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  7. The anecdote about your mom might offer several lessons. One, as you say, is being anchored to her base. Not everyone is, but many of us are anchored in one place and free to give up that base in another.

    An additional possible lesson is that your mom might have projected her experience with worrying about how she presented herself to the public onto Miss O. If Miss O has a different nature than your mom, it doesn’t necessarily fit, no matter how well-intentioned Grandma may be.

    A final thought is more general: that we see the world most often through the lens of our experience and beliefs we arrived at long ago. Sometimes, it is as if we are living the life a parent, mentor, or teacher would have or would have recommended.

    There is much to learn in the world, more than we can accomplish in any life. But, as I see it, it is essential to recognize who are parents are, even if we thereby observe a reality that pains us. Having done so, we are liberated enough to take the best parts of them and forge ahead.

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    1. These are wonderful remarks. You’re right – Miss O could be affected by her grandma’s attitude. So far, she doesn’t seem to mind but you make a point that I need to keep being aware of.

      And your comments about base and finding freedom from the attitudes that others, especially our parents have instilled in us are so good. For me, that part of understanding is such a good first step for letting go what I don’t need.

      Thank you for this deep comment, Dr. Stein!

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  8. Asking questions before our family members have gone is so valuable. There are things I would have asked my grandmother- I wanted to ask but didn’t know how. I’m glad you’re getting the opportunity to explore that now, before it’s too late, with your mum.

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  9. Wynne, get out of my head!!!! It’s a little creepy when I read your words and know that I could have written an almost exact version myself. The story is powerful and provides a window into all of our individual stories that center on family dynamics and influence. Plus you have the amazing Dr. Stein chiming in with his wisdom. You two make a great team!

    The takeaway though clearly is that we all need to find the courage to ask that first and hardest question not to hurt or judge or challenge, but to learn and grow. I can remember the first few times my own kids extended a conversation as you did with your mom. It felt amazing to know that they felt safe in doing that with me so from a ‘mom perspective’ I might suggest that you gave your mom a gift to express some of her why in the answer she gave you.

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    1. Oh, Deb – any day I’m in sync with you is a good sign! I love how you bring up “safety” in your great comment. Right, providing that safety is a good way to lay that ground for openness. And your insight that the questions need to be for learning and growing – so good!

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  11. As others have mentioned, I agree that respect seems to be the crux here. When you have different communication styles and beliefs, it can require effort to connect in a way that feels fair and level for all. It sounds like you’ve done just that with you mom.

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  12. My daughter’s hair was a problem, when she was in kindergarten and preK. She’d look a mess. But it wasn’t worth the fight. She had a very sensitive head. I tried all sorts of whacky bows, ribbons and conditioners to persuade her to sit still, but it didn’t work. I think you’re right to delegate hair to Miss O. As for your mother, I think she expressed herself in a way you could relate and understand where she was coming from.

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    1. Oh yes, the mess that is definitely not worth the fight. It’s hard, isn’t it? For me its a win if my mom wants to do it. 🙂 But you’re right, Elizabeth, it was nice that we had that conversation to better understand

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  13. “I frequently reminded of how grateful I am that I’ve been able to hear their “You must understand…” answers that become forever out of reach when they die.”

    Yes to this, Wynne! My dad died over 20 years ago. I used to roll my eyes and take his stories for granted. Now I wish I could sit down and hear his stories all over again. My aunt, his only sister, passed away at the age of 95 a couple of years ago. Luckily, I got to hear many of the stories from her point of view over the years. Time is fleeting. We need to pay attention.

    I leave for England with my mum for two weeks tomorrow night. I need to pay attention and take notes during that precious time with her. She’s 90 now, and I see that these opportunities are growing scarcer.

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  16. I enjoyed reading this insight into your family dynamics. You have a good sense of who you are and that is how good communicators manage to talk with anyone, family included. I was young-ish when my parents died so many questions that I have now will never be answered.

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  18. “forever out of reach when they die.” Oh my. So true. I feel sort of bad that my kids have taken the opposite approach, in that they’re even worse than I am about caring about what others think.

    The other morning, I backed out and knocked the recycling can over and spun the trash can around. (SO glad that one didn’t fall over.) The noise may have sent the neighbors to their windows to gawk. I felt like maybe I *should* be embarrassed, but I couldn’t bring myself to care enough! 😛

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      1. This morning, trash morning again, I carefully backed out and was proud not to have hit the cans. When I returned home, my neighbor was out, so I greeted him and asked if he heard the commotion of me knocking a can over last week. He said no but also not to worry; he’s knocked our cans over many times! 😛

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