When I was in high school, I couldn’t wait to graduate and move away to college. I grew up in a homogeneous community where most everyone else looked like me, thought like me, talked and acted like me. I wasn’t mature enough to explain what I was feeling, but I wanted to travel somewhere new, learn new things, and challenge myself.
I wanted to go to lectures and symposiums on a Thursday night because I felt like it. I wanted to learn about why some guy in Eastern Europe thought Socialism was the way to go, when the benefits of Capitalism seemed as evident to me as the dimple on my cheek. I wanted to get away and broaden my horizons. I wanted to learn about life. Of course, after that symposium, I wanted to catch up with friends over a pint or two and be young and dumb and celebrate because we could.
And sure enough, I went to college, and it was amazing. I learned a boatload about myself and other people. Now my school wasn’t all that different, most of the kids still looked like me and diversity still had a long way to go, but it was a start.
Educating the heart, mind, and soul
We’re writing this month on The Heart of the Matter on “change.” I knew that college and facing change head-on would teach me a ton about what I believed in and things I didn’t, but I missed something. In particular, I missed how my education would help outside of my career and figure out the values I found important.
Over the years I’ve found that John Adams nailed it when he said, “There are two educations, one should teach us how to make a living and the other, how to live.” My college education taught me without question how to make a living and be a responsible member of society.
I’m still learning, though, how to live a life.
“There are two educations, one should teach us how to make a living and the other, how to live.” —John Adams
The Battle Royale for the soul
Here’s what I mean:
I’ve worked much of my life to balance work and family obligations. I find that it’s a constant tug of war, marrying ambitious career goals with ambitious family goals. In the process, I’ve probably given up some career success for my family, but I’ve been better off for it. It’s still quite a challenge.
I get busy with a high stress project or worry about an end of the year performance evaluation and I throw myself into my work. And then something happens at home and I get upset that I’m not there to help or annoyed that I’m stressed out over the holidays when I should be enjoying my time with my family. It’s a high stakes game of poker that never ends, with the wins and losses flowing back and forth like the tides in the ocean.
What I missed when I wasn’t looking
I’ve notice something though. We spend a lot of time fighting change in our lives. For example, we fight getting old, we focus on our exercise and what we eat, all in an effort to turn back time. Often times though we miss what’s happening in the process.
When my kids were getting ready to leave home, I fought the change. In the process though, when I wasn’t looking, I learned the second part of my education that I absolutely loved this new phase of life. Yes, they weren’t home when I came home in the evening, but I loved seeing them grow and mature. I loved how our relationship evolved and how they called me out of the blue, less to ask me about what course to take or help on a work problems, but more to tell me what they decided and for me to just to listen be excited for them. (Oh yes, a big change for dear old dad.)
The beauty of change
Oh, I’m still learning how to live a productive life. And yes change can be downright scary, but it can also be exactly what the doctor ordered.
How has change helped you in ways that you never expected? How has it fulfilled you in ways that you might have never expected?
. . . . .
Please join in on the discussion on the HoTM site. In addition, please visit my personal blog at www.writingfromtheheartwithbrian.com to read my companion piece. In addition, you can follow me on Instagram at @writingfromtheheartwithbrian.
All the best, Brian.
Images by Pexels.
The Heart of the Matter 
What a great quote from John Adams. I’ve seen far too many people become hyper-focused on making a living and forget to work out how they want to live. But it’s the living–the relationships, the hobbies, and life’s little pleasures–that offer the most value and fulfillment. I think you’ve figured out the secret formula, Brian! 😉
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Oh I have my moments. It’s like driving with a new driver, they’re back and forth on the steering wheel. Ha ha, that’s me. Always making it interesting! 🤣😎😎
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Well said
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Oh, it’s easy to write or say LA, hard to follow. Ha ha .
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😉
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You sound like a good soul, Brian. We can change if we wish, but we will be changed, regardless, as you say. Fighting it is a losing battle. We learn if we are open to life, adaptation, love, and the awareness that our time is short.
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Oh, I’m just saying everyone else, I’m just trying to get along, but thank you Dr Stein! Yes, yes, change happens. We determine deeply the impact will have on us!!!!😎😎😎😎
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I love the idea you’re bringing us, Brian – about the beauty of change. Less trepidation, more enjoyment if we can slow down to take it all in. Thank you! 🥰
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That’s a big if Vicki. And I didn’t say I was very good about managing that balance. Ha, ha.
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🥰❤️🥰
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How to live is an ongoing process
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Exactly. Thanks Beth, I’m glad I’m not the only who experiences this!
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I can relate so much to your post about change. I was so against my children leaving the nest, but I’m with you on enjoying this phase of life. Also, I couldn’t wait to get out of my mostly Scandinavian town of 5,000 people to the big city of Seattle.
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My wife jokes about me running away to the city but it was more than that — it was the chance to be different, the chance to say I know I like chocolate ice cream, but today I’m going to try pistachio just for the heck of it. Im still not a big city person but I love the opportunity it opens up!
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👍🏼
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Love this – “And yes change can be downright scary, but it can also be exactly what the doctor ordered.”!
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Aww, thanks! Just writing from personal experience! Ha ha
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I love your comment, “I knew that college and facing change head-on would teach me a ton about what I believed in and things I didn’t, but I missed something. ”
It’s the idea of facing change head-on that resonates so much. When I do it, it does teach me. When I look away or try to pretend not, it also teaches me something – but usually less gently.
Love this insightful piece about how we change, Brian!
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That’s how I am anyway. If I approach change with purpose and a plan, it’s usually fine. If I fight it or try to wish it away … bad things usually come!!! Ha ha
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Interesting to read this today Brian. Our younger daughter just left for an extended work trip yesterday, so we’re experiencing an empty nest for the first time. As with all change, I approach it as a new chapter and a chance to do something new. The house does feel quiet without here, though.
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I like how you phrase it: a new chapter. Ha, ha. Our youngest son is away at college. Now I threaten to pack up his stuff and throw it in the garbage, but I’m really just kidding. Ha, ha. It does give me an extra room to exercise in when he’s gone or work from . . . but yes, I’ll be excited when he comes back home for the summer!!!
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Our older daughter left for college when she was 18. She came back for a couple of summers during the pandemic (not by choice 😂). Last summer she moved across the country to British Columbia. She has been gone over 5 years and I just now cleared out her room.
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Savor the past and get used to the new. 🙂
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Finding that very delicate balance between work and family life is so hard but so important.
I do agree and think that sacrificing career opportunities for family time is never a waste. We’re all replaceable at work but not at home.
I can also see how kids moving away could be so hard and stressful but also open up new opportunities for yourself and for your own relationships with them. 😊
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You’re so right about work …. All replaceable. Took me a long time to figure that out!!!!!
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Excellent post, Brian. I especially identified with the changes as one’s kids become adults. I love that our son is independent and self-sufficent, yet still respects his parents just need to hear his voice from time to time.
I also found myself nodding my head about trying to find the balance between home and career. One shouldn’t have to sacrifice one for the other.
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I can totally relate to much of this post, especially the part about adapting to having adult kids.
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Balancing family and career is the toughest juggling act I know. It’s a compromise on both sides. At the end of the day, I feel like I’ve done pretty well; sounds like you have, too.
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It’s a balancing act. There are times where I feel like I maybe took some career hits or could have been further along in my career … saying that though, if I gave something up, then so be it, my family and home life mean too much to me. The end of the day you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror!!!
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As a poet, I’m still waiting to see whether my whole lifetime of facing change head on with authenticity will get me anything but marginalized survival, rampant disrespect, continuous life endangerment and absolute isolation.
From my readers I sometimes get comments on what that life got them, though ~ and that is enough if it has to be. 🙏
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