‘Here I come to save the day’

Posted on by WritingfromtheheartwithBrian
Photo by Klaus Nielsen on Pexels.

A number of years ago, my wife gave me a wave goodbye and left for work. I couldn’t help but feel the cold chill. Her goodbye felt as cold as a frigid nor’easter. I looked out the window to see her car lights pull away in the morning light and I half expected to see a howling wind and foot of snow covering the road.

No, sadly, Mother Nature had nothing to do with the wintry chill. It was all human made.

My wife and I were married only a few months and were still in the honeymoon stage. We rarely disagreed, forget about getting into a full-scale fight. Despite all that, we had gotten into a mild tussle the night before. She had come home upset about a work problem — a challenging student was giving her a hard time and she wasn’t getting the support she needed from her school administration. 

Mighty Mouse to the Rescue

We normally spent each evening talking over dinner about our day. I listened to her problem and immediately jumped in, giving her ideas on how to solve the problem. I like to think of myself as a problem solver, able to brainstorm and see solutions when others see insurmountable mountains. In addition, thought I was being a good husband by throwing out suggestions rapid fire and giving my opinion.

The conversation started out fine, but I noticed as the evening went on, it steadily went downhill. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but she seemed to be less frustrated with school and her problem and more frustrated with me. I wondered what I had done wrong, I was helping her. I was a modern-day Mighty Mouse, helping to save the day. I remember questioning at one point, had she never watched Mighty Mouse as a kid? Didn’t she know how he rights the wrongs and helps his friends? As the conversation continued to sputter, I came right out and asked why she wasn’t more appreciative of my ideas?

I was giving her “gold.” (Our little way of saying that we were giving the other something of value.)

Instead she seemed to view my contributions as nothing more than a few lumps of coal. We spent the rest of the evening zinging each other with jabs. By the end of the night, it was like we were in a sparring match and had gone back to each of our corners, but the tension was still thick and the bell to start up again would soon ring. I’m only slightly joking when I say that I went to sleep that night worried that I might wake up to a left hook from Rocky Balboa.

And he’s out for the count!

So when my wife left for work the next day with no hug, no kiss goodbye and little fanfare, I knew our little train was struggling and would derail if we didn’t fix it. I drove to work in a huff. I walked through our disagreement again and again in my head. I couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong.

I’m a big believer in having a growth mindset and continually learning. I couldn’t help but think about something a coworker had said earlier in the week. He was talking about how he was teaching his ten-year-old dog new tricks. He joked that you had to keep working with them, but eventually they get it.

I realized that I wasn’t much different. Maybe it just took me more time to get it. When I walked back through our conversation this time slower in my head, it hit me that I might have been too strong in my approach. I needed to be more flexible in my approach to our relationship. Yes, she was open to and wanted my suggestions, but what she wanted most of all was for me to listen.

I went straight into problem solving mode instead of letting her vent and getting things off her chest. She was a professional and knew how she was going to fix the problem. She just wanted someone in her corner.

Um, duh.

Take that Mighty Mouse — all mouth, no muscle, and certainly no brain.

To err is human

We’re writing this month on the Heart of the Matter on flexibility. I’ve found over the years that flexibility with others is a critical element to successful relationship building. We think we know what the other person wants. We think we know all the answers, but what we really need to do is to listen to what they’re saying, not what we want to hear, and give them what they need.

I thought about how to make it right. I tried to be nimble on my feet. My initial thought was a big showy way of saying I was sorry. I started to order her a make-up arrangement, a large assortment of roses and carnations, but stopped in my tracks, that’s what I wanted, it didn’t match up well with her allergies or what she wanted.

Photo by Klaus Nielsen on Pexels.

Coming full circle

So, how did I show her that I loved her and wanted to start over?

I listened. 

When my wife came home, I suggested take-out for dinner and asked to talk with her and this time I let her tell me what she needed. At one point, I even asked, “Are you just letting off steam or do you want me to offer some of my own suggestions.” Her expression said it all. I suspect it’s the same look that my friend had on his face when he was telling me about how he had learned to train his dog. (It seems that old dogs like me can still learn new tricks.)

I stopped trying to be a superhero, even a small one like Mighty Mouse, and instead tried to be a friend. Yes, maintaining a flexible mindset and continually trying to learn and improve come in handy.

How have you been flexible and resilient in your life? 

. . . . . 

Please join in on the discussion on the HoTM site. In addition, please visit my personal blog at www.writingfromtheheartwithbrian.com to read my companion piece. In addition, you can follow me on Instagram at @writingfromtheheartwithbrian.

All the best, Brian.

Images by Pexels.

31 thoughts on “‘Here I come to save the day’”

  1. Pingback: Lending an ear – Writing from the Heart with Brian

  2. What a great lesson, Brian. It can be tricky to understand what our partners need early in a relationship, but the knowing when to listen versus chime in with suggestions is foundational to making things last. I’m so glad you found your footing. As they say, “Happy wife, happy life!” 😊

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  3. Terrific point you’ve made, Brian. “What do you need from me?” “How can I help?” I, too, still find myself in ‘fix it’ mode and need to reel myself back in, remembering to receive. Sometimes that’s more than enough. 🥰

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  4. Enjoyed your post Brian as it’s something I often see when talking to others. People feel or like to share solutions (and I am one of them sometimes too) instead of just being there and listen. We may only want a loving ear so we express ourselves freely.
    Well done for being able to ask yourself the good questions and make the needed changes.

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  5. This is gold, Brian! You perfectly describe when Mighty Mouse turns into the Advice Monster. I love how you solved it – by being a friend. So good! No wonder you are still together 30 years later.

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    1. Oh, the cold chill was very strong Dr. Stein. It was on par with one of the those end of the world movies you see on TV. I knew that I better straighten up or my wife was going to kick me to the curb. And yes, I’ve had plenty of moments over the years where I’ve forgotten, but fortunately in that moment, I figured out what I was doing wrong. It takes two people who really want to work.

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  8. Great lesson, and one I can relate to very much. Sometimes all we want is a sounding board, and other times we’re looking for solutions. I often felt better just by venting, and my wife and I would start laughing about the absurdity of a situation, relieving most of the frustration.

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    1. I’ve never been a teacher like you … but if I sound like an obnoxious educational know-it-all, it’s because of these conversations with my wife. Ha ha. And you’re right … getting out the absurdity does seem to make a difference for my wife! For me too in my job. Ya gotta laugh.

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  9. Been there Brian . . . Kinda’ the secular version of Psalm 46:20 – “Be still and know that I am God” – . . . Be still and know you’re wife is often right 😊

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  10. First of all, I have a ruler that says “To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.” I used to have it on my desk at work. Second, my brother and I were Mighty Mouse fans and mom would use a safety pin to put on our capes (towels). I love the concept. It does have to do with listening. When my daughter was in college, she would call me to vent about a problem and I’d give her all sorts of solutions. She finally said, “Mom. I’m not asking for help. I just want to vent.” That was an “aha” moment for me.

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  11. Flexibility is indeed a super power, whether it’s for work or for personal relationships. It sounds like you learned it early on and soared through the hiccups along the way.

    I too remember those first tussles past the initial honeymoon phases and they do test at the hug.

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  12. Good for you, Brian. You learned the value and lesson of just listening. Women need to ‘get it off their chest’ and then move on. Men want to fix it. Oil and water. In schools, the importance of just listening to children is crucial. Some schools now have therapy dogs for children to just snuggle, cry. hug, or whatever the need. It works! Bravo to your flexibility!

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  16. As i began to read through the details of your post and how you tried to “help” your wife with suggestions, I kept thinking, “SHE JUST WANTS YOU TO LISTEN!” And then you revealed that you got it. Kudos to you! 🙂

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