Each morning, I sit at my desk, resist the temptation to log into WordPress, and jot whatever thoughts come to mind in a grey linen journal. I’ve tried to adopt a morning ritual and reintroduce habits that a decade ago I’d considered to be non-negotiable. I begin a yoga sequence and then panic that I’ll trigger an energy crash, as happened many time prior to my remission. I filled a lined page with words, but it’s rarely anything profound.
I’m currently residing in a strange liminal place–the land between illness and wellness, where I am healthy, but not quite my old self.
Most morning are spent musing who I was, what I’ve endured, and contemplating the qualities of woman who has emerged from the hardship. Adopting a productive, creativity-fueled morning has been a tall order. I’ve come to accept that’s not a stage I’m ready for.
In seeking a right-fit alternative, I’ve decided that maybe I need to begin with a “mourning ritual.”
When I think about the concept of a “morning ritual,” I’m instantly transported back to the world of my sunshiny 23-year-old self–working three jobs to pay the bills, attending daily yoga, diligently journaling each morning, drafting out a third novel that would never see the light of day, and sacrificing sleep to achieve the appearance of success.
Frankly, I don’t want a morning ritual right now.
However, I do believe in the power of habit a la Charles Duhigg and James Clear. I do think it’s valuable to start the day with intention, introspection, and some form of self-care. Establishing a morning ritual can feel like a loaded request, though, and I don’t want the pressure. So, what’s the compromise?
That’s where the “mourning ritual” comes in. During periods of turmoil and transition, keeping up with habits can feel daunting. For me, this mourning ritual allows me a place and time to make peace with where I’ve been, all that I’ve lost, and where I am today. It’s a low-stakes exercise, with no expectations.
The mourning is not necessarily referencing the heaviness, grief, or sadness typically associated with the word. For me at least, it’s an invitation to sit with any type of discomfort, listlessness, or even the mildly confusing positive feelings. More than anything else, it’s a play on a concept that wasn’t working for me. It was standing invite, from me, and to me, to do things differently than others, and differently than what I would have expected from myself in the past.
I might stretch, journal, sip on a cup of rooibos tea, talk to my houseplants, or say, “to hell with that jazz” and browse random topics on the internet. I’m laughing as I write this because this behavior is completely out of alignment with who I once was, and I can’t help but smile in realizing that I kind of like this laid-back version of myself that exists when all those pressures and expectations have been removed.
While I suspect the example of getting ill and recovering is somewhat unique to me, I know that everyone here has been through periods of turmoil and transition. Perhaps you’re even in the midst of such chaos now. When we experience the loss of a loved one, rejection in our career, financial hardship, a messy divorce, a creative slump, or even just waking up on the wrong side of the bed, loosening our expectations for ourselves–even temporarily–can be quite freeing.
We are allowed some grace in that doorway between love and loss; success and failure; health and illness. It’s okay to stumble. It’s okay to curse the skies. And it’s perfectly okay to skip your morning ritual and trust the process.
What about you? Do you follow a morning ritual? Are there any popular concepts or habits you’ve adapted to meet your personal needs? Have you ever experience a period in your life during which you adopted something akin to a “mourning ritual”?
The Heart of the Matter 
The liminal spaces are interesting to navigate. As discomforting as they can be, they also offer opportunities to reflect and to let go – and that can be so freeing as you move from the past. I like your morning and mourning ritual. And putting pen to paper instead of digital has its charming and healing qualities too!
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Yes, Ab, that is so true. Those in-between spaces offer a nice opportunity to carve out new grooves, and break free of anything from the past that no longer serves us.
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Oh, I love the word liminal. So good for this!
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Erin…the phrase “right fit” really stands out for me. It takes courage and loads of self-awareness, I think, to take good-for-you-habits and make them your own. Customize to make them stick. Wise!! 🥰
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Yes, Vicki! 🥰 You make such a great point about customizing our habits to make them stick, and I suspect failing to do that is why so many aren’t able to stick to habits.
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That was all you, dear one, “right fit”, indeed. 🥰💕🥰
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I have sound they I’ve fallen into a morning ritual, quite by accident, over time. Without it, if rushed, my day doesn’t feel the same
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Beth, I love hearing that your accidental morning ritual has offered you some grounding to start the day. It really can make all the difference.
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yes, and by accidental, I meant that, I didn’t even realize that I had a routine for a long time, just fell into it over time, not realizing
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That’s the best kind, where it feels so natural that you don’t even assign a label!
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I think so too –
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No morning rituals to speak of…although I do like to read blogs first thing so… 😉 I suspect that I had many “mourning” rituals when I was ending my marriage however. I can’t say that they necessarily brought peace to my life but I know that they helped me work through feelings and decisions and set a clear path with intent for my future. I think that you’ve hit on an apt phrase Erin and a helpful process for letting go and moving forward 🙂
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I think sometimes the “working though feelings” is all we really need, and I can imagine just sitting with the uncomfortable emotions is often enough to get things flowing again. And I’m with you regarding reading through blogs first thing in the morning! So many creatives will say that should be the time you take to create or sit with your own ideas, but there is something deeply connective about reading what other’s are thinking. We’ll break the mold, just a bit. 🙂
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We assume the self is a constant, but change — whether caused by trauma and illness or not — is the constant in life. I cannot imagine you being the same person in every way after the awfulness you survived, but even in less dramatic lives we have no option but to adapt and learn.
A serious look at old photos tells that there are things out of our control. I cannot say how I would have fared under the circumstances you suffered, but I suspect less well than you, Erin.
No matter what our lives are like we have no good choice but to learn more and find where the balance is in a world that is shifting and a place for us that is shifting. You’ve been heroic and perhaps therefore more prepared for the randomness of events we are sometimes subject to. I’d want you on my team. Be well.
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Thank you for the kind words, Dr. Stein! I recently read All The Light We Cannot See and when compliments on her bravery, the lead character, a blind girl, responds, “But it is not bravery; I have no choice. I wake up and live my life. Don’t you do the same?” To be honest, that kind of how I feel. I think we’re all more capable for facing conflict than we realize, but are rarely offered the opportunity to realize it.
I love the imagery of achieving balance in a world that is ever-shifting. We must adjust, constantly, or we’ll fall. It’s quite a valuable skill to acquire–to ride the unpredictable waves of life.
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Every morning for several years now, I sit down on the floor and pray. I then do some yoga stretches and deep breathing. It sets me up for whatever the day may bring and gives me peace.
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What a beautiful way to start the day, Rhonda. I love that! My morning ritual used to be very similar… it doesn’t suit me right now, but I suspect that’s where I’ve eventually end up again.
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I read “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron ten years ago and adopted her practice of writing three morning pages, prayer and taking a walk. She also included an artist’s date, but I’m not consistent. You’re supposed to go on an adventure by yourself, to find inspiration. It could be an art gallery, a fabric store, etc. The routine has helped me through tough times as well as good.
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I also ready “The Artist’s Way” about 10 or 11 years ago, and followed Cameron’s suggestions religiously for years. It was a wonderfully grounding way to start the say, and I suspect I’ll eventually return to the book again. It was hugely impactful when I first read it!
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It opened doors for me, too. After I read “The Artist’s Way” I began my blog and then started writing a weekly column for SwimSwam, which is a popular swim website with more than 5 million monthly views. It all clicked following her morning practice.
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That’s so awesome, E.A.! It’s such a great book for any creative or creative-would-be.
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👍🏼
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“We are allowed some grace in that doorway between love and loss; success and failure; health and illness. ” – this is so good. Honoring the lack of clarity and control. The space between. Beautiful reflection on how to adapt, Erin!
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Ooh, the lack of clarity and control. Yes, yes, yes–you get it, Wynne!
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Erica, I love this play on words, and the grace & space it allows for you to practice self care, as you are. So good!
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Thanks, David!
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What about you? Do you follow a morning ritual? I have a simple morning ritual, I make then drink coffee while looking outside into nature. I bless my first mug of coffee by saying “tres bien” then weather permitting go outside for a few minutes, maybe longer, to see what I think the day will be like. Often times muse finds me outside.
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Such a great post, Erin. Work day morning ritual is to get up 40 minutes early before I need to get ready (I have to ease into the day lol) I feed the cats and make coffee. One cat Beto stays in and sits in my lap for pets while I drink coffee and read blogs/news. Then, it’s time to face the day 🙂
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That sounds like the perfect way to start the day, and gently ease into things. Love it! 🙂
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