Life: According to Fairness or Need?

Posted on by Wynne Leon

I grew up with a mom who held being fair as a cornerstone of her parenting philosophy. The one time that I found out all my presents ahead of time was because my mom had a system. She would keep a list to the penny of what she’d spent on each person so that it was exactly even. All I had to do was go into her daytimer and look. I was 8 or 9-years-old. Boy, that sucked. I never did that again.

I also grew up with an older sister who was constantly complaining. My dad used to say that she came into this world too angry to even breast feed.

My belief looking back on it now was that my sister carried a feeling of not belonging. The pessimist amongst a group of optimists or something like that. For some reason, she felt like she didn’t fit. She probably needed more….of everything.

In contrast, I have a good friend who taught 4th grade for more than 30 years. She said she taught her classes, “Life isn’t fair.” She claimed it took the wind out of the kids’ arguments that everything should be even. Instead they had to learn to advocate for what they needed.

My experience of life is that it isn’t fair. It feels like it takes a little more effort to try to address what people need but it’s the approach I use with my family. The kids get news shoes when they require them – not in some effort to create parity.

Sometimes I screw it up. Like yesterday I fed the dog twice as per the usual schedule and accidentally forgot to feed that cat. [Don’t worry. I got an earful about that. The cat sure does know how to advocate for herself.] But I like that it helps to keep me attuned to the needs of those around me.

In the case that you are looking for ways in this holiday season to address what people need, here are some posts that highlight causes near and dear to the hearts in our HoTM community:

Todd Fulginiti tells about the Fulginiti Family Band holiday single release for this year to help raise funds to fight homelessness in Lancaster, PA

Vicki Atkinson writes about the difference made in her family by Clearbrook, an organization providing homes for people impacted by intellectual and development disabilities.

Dr. Gerald Stein eloquently argues why he doesn’t want gifts and reveals that one of the charities he likes is Feeding America.

(featured photo from Pexels)

36 thoughts on “Life: According to Fairness or Need?”

  2. Thank you, Wynne. During my therapy career I encountered a number of parents who proudly stated that they treated all their children the same. This was and will always remain a major error in parenting. Their children were not all the same.

    As parents we must adapt ourselves to what each child needs. To do otherwise would be as if one were to dress a 12-year-old who was 6′ 4″ tall the same way you dressed one who was 5’5.” Tragic results often follow.

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  3. I’m not sure why, but my sense of fairness is usually on overdrive. I’m tuned into bullies and pushy people for that reason. I’m sure my mom played a role in that. She didn’t write down our christmas gifts in a planner but she had it memorized. It was a must that my brothers and I be in the same general ballpark. It took becoming a parent to see that the scale is more nuanced than that. There would be months wehre I spent a lot of resources on one child. And then other times things would come up the and the scale would flip just like that. You never what’s around the next bend. Love the post. Love the list of charities!

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  4. Great post! I like this: “The kids get news shoes when they require them – not in some effort to create parity.” And, I agree, life isn’t fair, so strive to be charitable to those unable to help themselves and gracious to those who achieve more than you. 🙂

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  6. What an interesting reflection, Wynne.

    I will say I am getting to the camp of life is not fair and teaching kids that it’s ok. Not everything is equal but to do the best with what you have and to advocate and strive for what you don’t have but desire. It aligns more with my pragmatic nature and in recognition that life in fact isn’t fair.

    Having said that, it’s a lesson we learn, often times the hard way in life, and to preserve that innocence with our children while they are young. That’s what makes the holidays a magical time for me as a caregiver. The season of giving.

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  8. I agree one hundred percent with you. Life is not fair. When my son was playing tee ball, everyone got a trophy at the end of the season. I didn’t agree with that. I liked swimming where nothing is subjective. The kids were at the mercy of the stop watch and it doesn’t say everyone is equal.

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  9. I do agree with this, and used to make this a part of my life when dealing with my children, but I learned to do it differently after a while, based on what each child/now adult needed at any given time. it’s not a perfect science, but it’s much more powerful and I see it in how each person reacts to me helping them in a different way. with my grandchildren, and in the classroom, I practiced the same, the difference between equity and fairness.

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  10. As someone who believes in justice, it’s always been hard to accept injustice. I don’t mean in terms of Christmas gifts, but the idea of the inequity of two children being born into completely different family situations. No, life isn’t fair in so many ways with inequality ruling the day for people of color, differences in gender, who we love, and of course in socioeconomic status.

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  11. I’ve finally had a few extra moments and it seemed I was meant to see this post. Life isn’t supposed to be fair. I can’t imagine it. We are each and everyone unique and so are our needs. I may have more so my gift is to see who needs a little of that and pitch in. Without that diversity, our need to give wouldn’t have anywhere to go. Most of us get more joy from the sharing than the getting. I enjoyed reading this. My two children are total opposites and to be fair is ridiculous. Both know they are loved deeply but differently for different reasons. We should advocate for ourselves first and then reach out and advocate for someone else if they just can’t. Not if they won’t.. Nothing about life is fair. You just roll with it and grow.

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  14. Speaking of finding presents, my mom still gives me and my brother a hard time about discovering her hidden stash one year when we were maybe 11 or 12 years old. I can’t help it if she hid them in the hall closet, the most obvious place anywhere!!

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    1. That’s hilarious! The problem (speaking as a mom here) for me is when I hide them in places that are not the most obvious place and then can’t find them. I have that problem right now in fact… 🙂

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