Take Two: A Vicki Re-Wind

Posted on by Victoria

Heads up! You might remember this post from May, 2023 but I couldn’t resist posting it again. It’s a timely reminder…about how we use our time. It’s been an extra busy week with a couple of events. A writer’s life is fun, fun, fun but it can be a balancing act. I think that’s why this post spoke to me all over again. After all, most of my posts are versions of self-talk…but I’m oh-so grateful for your company. 😊

Guarding Our Spare Moments

“Guard well your spare moments. They are like uncut diamonds. Discard them and their value will never be known. Improve them and they will become the brightest gems in a useful life.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I love it when I hear our grown daughter, Delaney offer a glimmer of insight so profound that as soon as she says it and the thought flies out of her mouth, she whips her head around just in time to see my grin.  Yep. Nothing’s better than catching our children in a moment of knowingness.  It might take some of us an inordinately long time to figure out who we are and gosh it gets complicated when we invite others into our “life soup” before we’ve figured out our own preferences and specialties.  I think I see you nodding along with me. 

I’ll set the scene for you. Delaney and I were comparing notes about calendars, schedules, the busyness of life.  Whenever I can commandeer a little time with her, I’m greedy and before one visit concludes, I like to peek ahead to identify when I’ll see her – in person – again.  She doesn’t live far away but being a twenty-something who’s focused on her career and a new relationship means she’s juggling and near as I can tell, she’s doing it well. 

Her papa and I are immensely proud of her.  It wasn’t THAT long ago that she was a freshly minted college grad who had the perplexing personality quirk of pivoting from a persona of all-knowing-self-proclaimed-exalted being to weeping-and-unsure-little-fawn that I longed to protect.  Surpremely confident and poised most of the time, but in a blink she could morph into my little muffin.

Don’t tell her…but as much as I’m amazed by the good human she’s become, those moments of uncertainty when she leans in for reassurance and comfort?  I treasure those “little fawn” interludes, still.  And Delaney – if you’re reading this – I’m not saying I need you to need me…but sometimes it sure does feel good. (And now I know why the Cheap Trick song “I Want You to Want Me” is running through my brain in an endless loop as I write. Sigh.  Aging brings out every bit of melancholy musical weirdness. Just the same, it’s a great song.)

All of that aside, as Delaney and I talked about her week upcoming, she reminded me that one of her close friends was getting married this weekend.  Yes, yes.  I remembered.  And as she rattled off the itinerary of prep and pre-game, shopping, and socializing, noshing and more, her tone shifted from ‘oh, yay’ to ‘oy vey’.

Individually, each of the activities leading up to the wedding was delightful but Delaney was feeling the weight of bookended events.  Here comes the moment of ‘knowingness’ I mentioned.  Her little epiphany.

Breathless from rattling off the lineup, she turned to me (and I WAS already smiling) and said, “You know, don’t you?”  Sure I did.  I was grinning – remember?  Her short-lived elation deflated into dread as she joyfully ticked through events 1, 2 and 3…but as she continued the non-stop rundown into events 4, 5, 6 and beyond… there was no joy.  Individually?  All good.  Compounded together into one endless lump of interaction? Overwhelming.

I laughed and said, “Yes, I know what you’re thinking…and feeling.  But go ahead – I might be wrong.”  Now she was smirking as she continued: “Okay, fine.  Here’s my deal.  I can do three things.  Three things only…in a row…without time to reboot.  Only three!  Three! Three! Three!”.  Now she was performing. Exaggerating.  Overacting. Catastrophizing about how exhausted she’ll be from non-stop interactions. 

Delaney didn’t need me to fix anything but I know she appreciated that I understood.  Her rant and rave delivery was cute…and I suspect she’s found ways to collapse some of the events into shorter pop-ins rather than staying for the entirety but I’m not worried.  She’s a big girl and the fact that she knows herself well enough to acknowledge her ‘reboot’ needs make this mama so happy.

Which reminds me of a segment in Susan Cain’s book “Quiet” that sticks with me even though I first read it eleven years ago.  If ever we, the unapologetically introverted, needed a manual to acknowledge our strengths, it came in the form of Cain’s book. 

Cain wrote about former Harvard professor Brian Little who coined the phrase “restorative niches” to describe the place that we introverts need to retreat to in order to take care of ourselves.  He describes a restorative niche as a physical place for some – perhaps it’s a chair or a location that feels calming or it could simply be a block of time.  A break in order to silence the sometimes intense social and interactive aspects of life. 

Delaney’s issue?  She needs to see the blank space amidst the action.  Literally.  As events and activities pile up, strategic scheduling (when possible) to avoid overlapping or colliding calendar commitments is a necessity for her to feel fully herself, to be her best.  Apple? Tree?  As she’s become an adult I see her need to balance commitments because it’s oh-so familiar.

Cain’s book honors the complexity of introversion and debunks the myths that introverts aren’t social beings.  I love the story she tells about Dr. Little, someone she describes as a ‘consummate introvert’ who was a beloved Harvard professor because of his dedication to his students, pivoting from standing room only lectures to meeting with countless students, individually, during office hours.  His workday typified the nimbleness that introverts often demonstrate, morphing from large gatherings to small groups and individual interactions – but the sum total can be a massive energy drain.

In “Quiet”, Dr. Little shared a confession about a lecture series he was asked to deliver and his creative way of carving out time to, as our Delaney would say, “reboot” in between high intensity events.  The story about Dr. Little shimmying out of an obligatory luncheon, sandwiched (wink!) between large presentations is a gem in Cain’s book:

…”joining the top brass for lunch…knowing he had to deliver another lecture that afternoon…he (Dr. Little) knew that making small talk for an hour and a half would wipe him out.  He needed to recharge for his afternoon performance.  Thinking quickly, he announced that he had a passion for ship design and asked his hosts if he might instead take the opportunity…to admire the boats passing by…and he then spent his lunch hour strolling up and down the river pathway with an appreciative expression on his face.” (p. 208)

What’s notable – other than his creative re-engineering of his schedule to create a pocket of down time?  Dr. Little returned to the same college – for years – delivering his well-regarded lectures which included his midday walks along the river.  All was well until…the college moved to an inland location, and Dr. Little lost his cover story.  He wasn’t really an afficionado of maritime history or ship design.  It was just the ruse he used to wrangle a little QUIET. 

Self-care is serious business.  Dr. Little’s ‘restorative niches’ provide the reminder that taking the time to understand self and energy should be a priority.  Taking a little liberty, I might add “Restorative Niches Can Result in Riches” in the form of happiness.  The kind that comes from listening to our bodies and making ourselves a priority.  Honestly, what other riches are there?  I think Emerson knew – referenced in the quote snipped in above: “Guard well your spare moments. They are like uncut diamonds.”

Vicki 😊

A little more? This re-wind – a Victoria Ponders post is a trip down memory lane.  A client who couldn’t get comfy with himself as a wannabe extrovert.  Take a peek if you have a couple of minutes more to read.  Thanks so much!

Hi – I’m Victoria, Vicki, Dr. Vicki. I hold a doctorate in Adult Education and I’m a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and author of Surviving Sue | Eckhartz Press.

Check out this link to learn more about my book “Surviving Sue” – all about resilience and love.

Click here for Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcasts. Listen and subscribe. Thank you! Click here for videos of our podcasts.

43 thoughts on “Take Two: A Vicki Re-Wind”

  2. Love Susan Cain’s book!
    Three is a magic number isn’t it? I can handle up to 3 disappointments before the pressure crescendos. 3 extracurriculars in a week are the max – any more will have me anxiously wishing to be in my lair alone. And 3 joys send me to the top of happy. 💞💞💞
    Spare moments are indeed rare, and need to be protected more than diamonds.💎💎💎

    Like

    Reply

  4. Among the many remarkable qualities in your writing is the fact that so many involve your family, and they permit you to describe their ups and downs.

    Your writing ranges from the historical challenges presented by your late mom, and the experiences and joys of your present with your daughter, sister, and husband.

    Few families would permit such a display — even one as careful and kind as yours, Vicki. May you embrace this gift forever.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  5. Yep, I feel this one, Vicki. I have had people tell me “You are NOT an introvert” when I say that I am. What they don’t realize is that I’m putting forth all of me, using large amounts of energy. I feel the fun and the back and forth, but I also feel when my battery is dying, and just like Dr. Little, it is mandatory that I retreat. It’s truly a comfort that you put it out there about yourself and your daughter. We do the best we can!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. Adore you, Melanie! I think there are plenty of us who identify as introverts and/or ambiverts – capable of being both, depending upon the situation. Happy to be in your good company…so glad that this post was something you connected with. Yay! Big hugs! 🥰💕🥰

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  7. oh, Vickyi! ‘life soup!’ yes, love this. and just so you know, I heard Susan Cain talk about her book on NPR years ago and read her book and it was life changing for me. I realized that I was an introvert at heart, and even though I loved people and was very social, I also need space and quiet time to recharge and then I was okay to go again. not good at cocktail parties or small talk but happy to talk the ear off of one person or a small group who want to have a real conversation and then go home put my pajamas on, take a bath and read a book. all good. I am now the queen of Irish goodbyes and have no guilt about it. never have long explanations about why I can’t or don’t want to attend something, just say thank you for inviting me, but I’m not able to attend.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. “Recharge and then I was okay to go again”…Yes! Same, same. And I love that you mentioned ‘Irish goodbyes”. My dear friend Cindy had to explain that one to me when she observed my…ummm…escapish behavior at a party…or two.
      Thanks for joining me in the “Vicki/Beth” life soup…geez…we might need another chat about soup soup – regular, edible soup and life soup, now that I think about it! xoxoxo! 🥰💕🥰

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  8. You made me smile. I could relate to much of your piece. I love the promotion of self-care too. We get it, but it can a hurdle for our kids. They haven’t lived our lives and see how the lack of self-care hurts so many people. Heck, I could even relate to scheduling our next get-together while we’re still together. Gotta nail them down when you can. Ha, ha. Yes, “Guard well your spare moments. They are like uncut diamonds.”

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. I love that I made you smile! I worried about a ‘rewind’ post but this one was so reflective of what I was thinking/feeling this week. Thanks for coming along, my friend! 🥰💕🥰

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

    1. Oh….I dunno about being a good guide. I need a sherpa, I think. You with your mountaineering skills, maybe you can point me to someone? Maybe that someone is you???? LOL. Big hugs, dear Wynne! 🥰💕🥰

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  10. I love it when we see ourselves in our grown children. My daughter and I often compare notes. I also love it that she sometimes still needs her mom, although she is perfectly capable of looking after herself and has for years. Maybe she does it to make me feel good!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  11. Being a parent to adult children changes the dynamics. We raised our son to be independent and to take care of business. Now, he does it so well, he rarely needs us. I laugh when my wife is sad about this, even though we’re both proud of the man he is. This past week in South Dakota has been a joy. He is an incredible dad. After 18 years of football, (10 playing and 8 coaching), he’s switching career paths. His last day of work is Saturday, and then he starts his new data analyst job in two weeks. This is something we knew nothing about until recently, but that fits his personality. Both he and his wife will work from home, which will reduce their childcare expenses. His track record of decision making is solid, and I’m very proud of him for prioritizing his family over everything else.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  12. Those quiet restorative blank spaces are so important and I can see and hear Delaney in my mind as she overacts her exhaustion from her busy calendar.

    But it does feel nice to be needed by our children aren’t they? I can sense both the melancholy and the pride in your post, Vicki!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you so much, Todd. You just used words that I really appreciate when you said the post was a “fun and comforting read”. It’s great to know how many things some of us have in common, isn’t it? Xo! 🥰

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

Leave a comment