Remaking A Super Woman

Posted on by Deb
Photo by Samantha Garrote on Pexels.com

Asking for help is SO difficult for me. I want the world to see me as a capable woman who is able and definitely not vulnerable. Put a piece of IKEA furniture together- I’ve done that with ease. Packed and lugged boxes into and out of moving trucks and put together a new house- That was a piece of cake. Painted the entire interior of a 1900 square foot home by myself- Yes. Forced a window open so I could hoist myself over the sill while gracefully dropping onto the floor when I locked myself out just a few years ago- A thief would have been proud. I have a need to be strong and resilient and not needy. I have a desire to prove to myself, and probably others if I’m being honest, that yes I am capable.

Letting Go of the Super Woman Image

I’ve thought a lot about why I struggle so much, about why the thought of asking for help makes me so uncomfortable and these four reasons stand out:

I was raised to be independent mostly thanks to my dad. His outlook on life in general was that if something needed to be done, then you got out and did it. That philosophy served me really well for a large portion of my life. I did not have to depend on others.

I was a teenager during the 1970s. This was the height of 2nd Wave feminism and no one was going to tell me I couldn’t do anything I set my mind to doing. I chose not to depend on others.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home and I learned, based on heavy alcohol use and emotional abuse, that very often I could not depend on others.

I am moving into old age and being forced to accept that there are just some tasks that I cannot easily, comfortably and safely do anymore. Over time I will be forced to depend on others.

The identity that I have carried for most of my life is changing. I now have to admit that my independence will be compromised. I will slowly lose the freedom I once fought so hard to maintain. I never learned how to be comfortable looking to others for help because they simply weren’t functionally available. Also, I must finally admit that as each year passes I will have to depend on others more and more. Before long I will be coming up full throttle against the aging wall and it is very hard to admit that.

A Reality Check

Recently I ran into a *I really think I need help* situation during my short trip to Colorado.

I packed a normal size carry-on bag for the trip. I used to typically store this bag on an upper shelf in my closet and admit out loud now that even unpacked it was burdensome for me to handle. I finally moved it down to a much lower shelf and went on with life. I was smacked in the face- thankfully not literally– when I found I couldn’t lift it into the overhead bin on my flight.

Over the years I have stubbornly continued to take on tasks of lifting, reaching and maneuvering things that are too heavy, too high and awkward, and too cumbersome for one person to manage. I have permanently created bone and joint issues (coupled with advancing arthritis) in my neck and back. It has literally taken days and days of pain and the inability to sit upright to convince myself to stop. Believe me, I regret vehemently not asking for help when I should have.

Back to the carry-on story- It really wasn’t that full and yet when I got it to chest height I knew it wasn’t going to go any farther upward. The flight attendant kindly helped me out, yet I still wasn’t willing to give in and upon landing made myself reach up and struggle to get the darn thing out of the bin. So much of this in and out could have been a disaster, both for me and the other passengers around me. I have to be grateful that I was in the back of the plane really not holding up de-planing and that the few folks left around me didn’t have their cell phones out or I might be a viral social media video right now.

A Lesson (Finally) Learned

“If there’s a single lesson that life teaches us, it’s that wishing doesn’t make it so.”

Lev Grossman

Those are simple but wise words from Mr. Grossman. No matter how much I wish I could happily maneuver that carry-on going forward I have come to accept that when flying alone my bag will be checked from now on. This isn’t my first real *let it go* decision. Dealing with pain born from stubborn pride makes one re-evaluate priorities and over these past 5-6 years I have really let go of a huge burden by hesitantly at first, and then with growing confidence, allowed myself to reach out and ask “please, could you help me…?” now understanding how important those words are. Being vulnerable is still tough for me but my reality is that I’ve never lost anything or anyone when I reveal a vulnerable side of myself. People are willing and glad to help, if I just ask. I am focused on these words as I readjust and remake an identity that is a bit older but definitely much wiser:

“Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help, and brave enough to ask for it.” …Unknown

53 thoughts on “Remaking A Super Woman”

  1. Thanks for all of this, Deb. Growing confidence, acknowledging vulnerability, learning to ask for help…despite the need for self-reliance as a youngster. I feel all of that with and for you! Especially the line from the quote at the end, …”brave enough to ask for it” (help). Cheers to you for writing this piece and sharing with us! 💕

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    1. Appreciate that others can relate to this Vicki! We are shaped by many things in life and when you combine a stubborn streak it can cloud reality sometimes… 😉 Yes, stepping over the threshold into knowing when to seek help is key but then doing just that…still practicing here!

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  2. Congrats, Deb. We learn the lesson you describe or keep seeing ourselves as a version of ourselves who no longer exists. Research suggests that in middle age, we think of ourselves as about 15 years younger than we are.

    You may lose some people by making yourself over, especially those who like the “other” version better. Others will applaud the “new you.” No telling on this point.

    I imagine the newer version of you will have to continue to adapt, just as we all need to. To the good, the world of your childhood home is over, along with the circumstances that required you to be who you became. It sounds like that recognition might be an essential part of your story and your need to change.

    Good luck. We all need it.

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    1. Oh Dr. Stein, I can believe that 15 year differential in viewpoint for sure! It’s true in my case. I think anyone who may not have accepted these new and needed adaptations to my life (sans myself) is long out of the picture anyway and that makes it easier to wrap my head around the idea that it’s okay and also that I have to be open to more adaptation as you note. Future posts will probably delve more into that childhood as I think that has framed a great deal of who I was but change has been in the works for some time, thankfully.
      I so appreciate your thoughtful comments here!

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  3. Oh, Deb. I saw so much of myself in this post. The prospect of growing older is scary. My mum turned 90 yesterday and she’s still fiercely independent. While I hope to be like her, I think it’s okay to ask for help when you need to. But you have to swallow a lot of pride to do that. P.S. I, too, am finding it harder to lift that carry-on suitcase into the overhead bin. On my last overnight trip, I travelled with a backpack but I found it heavy to lug around. Now, I’m researching under-the-seat small suitcases on wheels. LOL

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    1. I have mixed feelings on your identification with this post MIchelle- glad that I am not the only one but also that there are many of us who have to face different levels of this aging identity in a world that is not often friendly to those deemed *older*. I think my stubborn nature is more affronted than a true fear of what is to come so the pride aspect is huge for me! Funny that you mention the pack- on the trip prior to this one I used a duffle sort of contraption and absolutely found it to be horrid. Luckily I could toss it onto my granddaughers rolling carry-on rather than lug it. I think I may have simply abandoned it in the airport if I had no other options. Under seat options?! I love that idea but I wonder really just how much you can get into those? If you find something outstanding let us know, and I’m going to double check that I’m following your blog just to make sure I don’t miss anything! Thank you for understanding how hard it can be.

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      1. So true Deb. Sadly, you’re right that our youth-obsessed world seems to lack respect for the wisdom of “old” people. Honestly, I have to remind myself that there are many people much older than me who are doing amazing things.

        I have ordered a new “underseater” rolling carry-on today. I’ll give it a try on a couple of upcoming short work trips. Stay tuned!

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    1. Hahaha! Oh Julia, that’s priceless and such a perfect solution. The next time (because there will probably be a next time) I get overly confident and stubborn again I’m going to borrow that and see how many helpers come to my rescue! Thank you 🙂

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  5. You’re reading my mail Deb 🙂 “I”, the first letter in Independence, second in lIfe, and smack dab in the middle of PrIde . . . been struggling with it for 8 decades now, and it still remains a nemesis.

    Gratefully age has mitigated it as I’ve come to accept the wisdom that, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.” – Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

    You can ask for help and still remain a ‘Superwoman’ Deb, and in so doing impart a sense of ‘Super Persona’ in the one whose helping you.

    Be blessed Superwoman 🙂

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    1. Fred, what wonderful words, thank you for reading and commenting! I’d love to say that I will have things figured out before my own 8th decade arrives, but historically knowing myself as I do I will be taking my own “I’s” with me until the end.
      “You can ask for help and still remain a ‘Superwoman’ Deb, and in so doing impart a sense of ‘Super Persona’ in the one whose helping you.” What a thoughtful way to look at such a hard step for me… in asking for help I may be gifting a sense of pride and well-being to another…a wonderful way to nudge me toward getting out of my own needs and into someone else’s world. Thank you again Fred 🙂

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  6. I shook my head in acknowledgement with every line as I read your post. I check all my luggage now. I have a half-size carry-on that could fit under my seat if necessary. I suffered with vertigo for three years and still live in fear of it recurring. Now I am facing knee replacement. It is a lot for a woman who has always prided herself in making her own way.

    There is a certain freedom, however, that comes with being honest about ourselves. I ask for what I need. I go to physical therapy willingly and have developed the kindest relationships. While I seek every alternative to avoiding major surgery on my knee, I will at least be content I chased every a avenue possible before that happens. We still have strength – it just looks different now.

    I geew up watching my mother set examples for us. Independence. Determination. Woman living in a man’s world. I did not know anything else. I felt ‘doing it all’ is what was required of a woman. Now I am learning a new way of being a woman. A softer, gentler, and sometimes more vulnerable woman.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts today. They touched me.

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    1. Maggie, what lovely words, thank you! Yes, the physical aspects as we grow older seem to have big impacts on re-evaluating ourselves and our expectations. It seems that you truly are finding your way with grace and acceptance when needed. My favorite lines from your comment:
      “There is a certain freedom, however, that comes with being honest about ourselves.” and “We still have strength – it just looks different now.”…the first is so true and for me freedom is letting go of fear. The second is inspiring to me. The core of who we are, our strength is still with us but we are learning to show that to ourselves and others in different, and more meaningful ways. Your comment touched me as well, thank you!

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  7. Asking for help is temporary but damage to your body can be permanent. As a widow, I framed it as people wanting to give me the gift of their assistance and support; many feel good about helping others. Why deny them that gift?

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    1. Yes, that is the perfect way to approach the kindness of others who simply want to help in whatever way they can. They are true in their intent and I am learning to be gracious in accepting their help and kindness.

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  8. I have trouble with the overhead storage bins, too. I finally decided to check baggage. It makes life so much easier. I don’t mind the extra waiting time. It is hard to admit we’re getting older and need help. My dad really struggles with that and he’s 91! I got him help to stop by his house a couple times a week to grocery shop, cook, do laundry — whatever he needs. He didn’t answer the door when my friend showed up to help (I was paying her). Then he called me and told me she was a no show and it wasn’t going to work out.

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    1. I applaud your decision to check bags EA! And really, is life so short that waiting for a bag isn’t doable- I don’t think so! Your dad sounds a bit feisty! I really don’t want to be older and give my kids a hard time about things that are tough to manage so this is my lead in period for all of what you struggle with regarding dad. I know quite a few people in middle age with older parents are in the midst of the same thing. My parents both passed years ago and so I don’t have the first hand experience, but none of my kids need the experience with me either! Hang in there!

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    1. Yes we do and it’s easier I think for some of us than for others. I’m fortunate enough to have blogging friends who share their own stories about family aging, which is a good kick in the butt for me to change habits now 😉 Thanks LA!

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  10. What a brilliant and beautiful post, Deb. I can relate so much to what you say about being independent – and thinking of myself as such. It reminds me of something I heard from cognitive scientist Maya Shankar, “We don’t like change because it almost definitionally involves a loss of identity and that’s very destabilizing. I think as humans we often attach ourselves to specific identities as we move through the world because it gives us a sense of security. ”

    So as you wrote so elegantly – it’s not just the asking for help and admitting that change – but the need to update our identity that is hard. And yet, it’s what we want to model for the people around us.

    Great post, Deb! You have me thinking about how I can do this more gracefully!

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    1. Wynne, I need lessons on your perfectly attuned quote spreadsheets. You are amazing in calling up just the right words that so eloquently explain my ideas! Identity and security go hand in hand for me. I want and need to turn over that job of relying on myself, which ties in to an aspect of security- the sense of control to stabilize what may be a chaotic environment. Seeking that security and relinquishing some control does not diminish who I am but can only enhance who I would like to become over the next 30 years or so. Thank you!

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      1. Well, the quote spreadsheet only works in response to an evocative post that rings true for so many people, Deb. I love your response here taking it further. “Seeking that security and relinquishing some control does not diminish who I am but can only enhance who I would like to become over the next 30 years or so. ” Yes – me too!

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  11. Do you have any roll models in your life that aged the way you want to age? (I have both, how I want to respond, as well as how I do not want to respond) I have 1 in particular I think about as the wheels start to fall off my car. Her name was Helen. I hear you Deb. Appreciate your transparency. As far as your “safety net” as you get older….Do you have any sense yet, as far as your kids are concerned how much help they are going to be? (We have 4 and I can already tell you how I think some of this may play out w/ each of them)

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  12. Thank you for this beautifully transparent post, Deb. I faced similarly tough physical limitations much sooner than I would have hoped, and the mental hurdle is so much harder to scale than the physical, isn’t it? It’s so much each to deal with the aches and pains than to ask for help… to admit to ourselves that we need help. I’ll echo what Maggie says about their being a freedom in the self-honesty. And I’ll add that, at least personally, I’m now far more in-tune to when other’s are struggling and may need a hand or a kind smile. The only constant in life is change.

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    1. Thank you Erin. As I have been reading your posts over the last 2 months now, especially the discussions of invisibility I’ve sort of relived a journey I was on for years having migraine headaches every month without fail. The ways in which it was insinuated that they were excuses or made up, the dismissal by people who I loved and thought loved me… just another component to add to all the other background noise surrounding my inability to ask for help and thus my denial that I need help. Honest self understanding really opens the eyes and heart to what you need and to others needs as well. I hope that I never forget any of my own experiences although I don’t want to dwell on them so it’s very much the time to embrace the freedom of letting go. I also hope I will never find myself dismissing anyone else when they reach out for help.

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      1. I’m so sorry you had to face the disbelief, not only of healthcare practitioners, but also loved ones. It’s hard and I can completely empathize. It’s a tough balance when trying to hold on to some of that hurtful experiences and the lessons they brought, without being weighed down by them. I think letting go of the hurt while being mindful not to dismiss others (even if their story doesn’t quite add up) is probably the best path forward. I’m navigating a similar terrain now… trying to carry forward the lessons, but leave behind the pain.

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    1. Annie! How are you? Where are you headed to? I miss hearing from you here on WP. There is so much to consider when it comes to what to do with luggage when you fly and age is only one small part. Of course if lifting or carrying is an issue then absolutely check those bags. Usually when I fly it’s an airline that doesn’t charge for checked bags so I have no idea, other than my pride and stubbornness as to why I haven’t taken advantage of letting someone else worry about the bags. I have no need to schlep anything through an airport so I think I’ll be happy allowing someone else to deal with things for me! Hope to see you writing here more often 🙂

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      1. Hi Deb – I’m very much awol from here these days though I do think of you and others x I’m only going an hour away in Oz (much longer drive) and I yes, it’s the lifting into the locker above that would be impossible these days. I’ve used hand luggage whenever possible in the past to save the waiting around for checked luggage…

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  14. You’re sharing such a powerful message here Deb. It is indeed difficult to ask for help. We feel we should be able to do everything ourselves. As we progress through life we go through changes and learnt to adapt. What I’d maybe also say is to think of the alternative, if you are unable to lift your bags higher because of your arthritis, asking for a little help still allows you to be independent and get out and about. The alternative would be staying stuck at home unable to go away. Or you could do yourself an injury and make things much worse for yourself.

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    1. Thank you Brenda, and yes, your words are all so true. Being free of work obligations means getting out and doing now, something I’ve always wanted and looked forward to so I don’t want to be limited. Asking for help is a small trade off to be able to have adventures, visit my kids and just in general keep busy with all sorts of retired nonsense 😉

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  15. I think many of us are learning this tough lesson as we get older. That last quote you shared is so true. I think the key to staying independent for as long as possible is to learn how to ask for (and, in some cases, pay for) help when we need it. And, since we are planning a plane trip in the near future, I’m going to test to see if I can hold my packed bag above my head… yikes!

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    1. Writing this post has made me feel better about the fact that I know others who struggle with this too Janis. And you’re right, sometimes the help has to come in paid form as well. Please be careful with your experiment! You may be surprised. I was!

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  17. I take your point. It’s difficult to realize you might not be able to handle it all. Yet it’s sane to do so. As for packing light, historically I haven’t been able to do that. Plus hold my bag over my head? I’d get a concussion.

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    1. Sane is the operative word in all this Ally Bean! I did so much better on the amount of stuff this time around, but it was also winter and I knew I wouldn’t be sweating through all my clothes this time unlike the last visit. I have no idea how people travel with nothing more than a backpack? I think folks like us are simply practical- we want to be prepared for anything that comes up and that means packing most everything we own 😉

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  18. Once upon a time, I wanted to do a series called Secret City Superwomen. These were the women who lived and worked in Oak Ridge, especially those in “professional” jobs who simultaneously were raising families, especially in the latter half of the last century. I did interview a few but didn’t publish much. Of course, I considered these ladies, some of whom also became my friends, to be superwomen because they had struggles on the job and at home, mostly based on their gender (roles).
    Following on my comment on your personal blog, I also realized, post-divorce, that I had relied on my dad for a lot of this fix-it (and heavy lifting) stuff before my ex entered the picture, as my mother had done before me. After Dad’s passing, Mom began to rely on one of her neighbors in the same way. He enjoyed doing it because he liked to be helpful but I thought Mom took advantage of his willingness. I don’t want to do that but I am taking maybe half a page out of Mom’s playbook by asking for help before I even attempt something where I could easily injure myself.
    I guess getting help to hoist a big into the overhead on a plane has been one of those tasks for a while already. There is usually a “gentleman” around who will kindly make the offer without even asking. This has been especially appreciated on some recent flights where the flight attendant would not reply with my request to do it!

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    1. I know my dad stepped in as he could, and the ex found him helpful for guidance in some ways, sort of like the father figure he never had- but for some reason it never carried over into what needed to be accomplished in our shared home. My kids and their spouses have become my go to, or I just find alternatives to whatever needs doing that I know I can handle, plus the landlords are responsive most of the time. It’s about compromise I think and realizing that what may have been crucial as a task 10-15 years ago really may not be a “need to do” project anymore. I think it actually will be rather nice to simply leave my bag to someone else when flying. It seems to add a touch of freedom to flying I think- makes me feel a bit special that I don’t have to be another in the long line of folks encumbered by rolling luggage. I can just get on and get off and find my bag twirling around a carousel 😉

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  19. Pingback: February’s Greatest Hits – The Heart of the Matter

  20. I came back to this because this is me. And I am not yet 50. I don’t have full use of either of my arms and… the limits this places on me make me angry, and sad, and frustrated. I hate that this is my life, but I have no other choice. Thank you for putting this into words. ❤

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    1. Oh Anne, if it makes sense in any way, I wish that you could not relate to this post. I can understand the sadness and anger though when facing limitations and much of the ones that I speak of in this post were caused by my own attitude and stubbornness; by I think trying to prove something to myself. If I had only been wiser at the time, but cannot change the path I chose. I hope, no matter how your own situation came to be, that you can find the ability to let go of some of the anger. We are often more resilient than we believe ourselves to be and more creative in finding ways to live the life we want even with limitations. My best to you, and thank you for your comment.

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