Acceptance

Posted on by Deb

There’s been one of those blog challenge queries floating around on WordPress recently. I know you’ve seen the format- those prompts that ask the blogger to answer a series of questions. I love to read other peoples answers but I’m typically not a fan of participating myself. 

However, one question in a recent challenge, “What person, place, or experience has most altered your life?” has rather upended what I held as a firm belief about myself.

The inevitable answer was always that my children had the biggest impact on my life. Of course that answer still works. I did carry them, grow them, birth them and raise them- all major alterations to my physical and mental self for sure, however seeing that question pop up in a few blogs recently caused me to pause…and to think.

I believe the real, and more accurate answer to that question leads me to my mom. This is a picture of my mom in high school. 

This beautiful young woman was hiding many secrets and dealing with significant levels of emotional distress, abuse and trauma, most of which followed her into young adulthood. There are sadly years upon years worth of stories about how her experiences shaped her. By the time that I was conceived- labeled quite clearly as a mistake -and then arrived in 1959, mom was well immersed in depression, mental health issues, a trauma related mindset and hovering on the verge of her first step into lifelong alcoholism.

Of course I didn’t know any of this as a child. I just knew that she had never really wanted me, didn’t like me much, and blamed me as the final manifestation of most everything that was wrong with her life. 

By the time I graduated from high school and moved out of the house I had firmly planted in my head and heart a determination to do everything in my power not to be her. 

I married, began having children and by my choice, as she was in the deepest depths of alcoholism and other mental health issues, I chose to continue to distance myself and my children from her knowing that she would likely upend their lives as she had mine. There was simply too much hurt and pain and anger there. Our family had tried so many times to seek help for her and she would always refuse; always blame everyone else, and remain unable to see even a glimmer of change.

In early 1996 I was told mom was very ill and only had days to live as she was refusing treatment. I had not seen her, except only briefly a few times, for many years. I went into her hospital room not knowing what to expect. It was the first time in over 30 years I saw mom sober. While we didn’t speak of the past, we also didn’t speak of where we each were right then. I wasn’t ready to forget or forgive the past and her own mental pain kept her rigid in her determination to block her own feelings. We spoke little and within just a few days she was gone. I longed over those two days to hear the words “I’m sorry” from her. I never did, and I never offered them to her either. 

I would not wish her life, or my childhood for anyone. It wasn’t until many years after her death that I began to see and piece together her story. As her life began to make more sense her story allowed me to find my own clarity and to realize that while it was never her intent to live the way she did, or treat me in the way she did either, she saw no choices…no options. She had no tools to do better. No one had helped her or taught her that her life could be better even with so much trauma as a child and young adult.

“You need to claim the events of your life to make yourself you.”

Anne Wilson-Schaef

Through my experiences with mom I learned that I had to grow my own beliefs and behaviors and values in a much different way. I did have a choice and for the sake of my children I had to let go of my own pain and trauma and simply accept what was and look ahead. That was the beginning of my journey to understand her and grow my own wisdom. It has taken years to come to that point. In a quiet conversation with mom one night during this past year, I was able to tell her that I understood; that I was sorry; and that I forgave her. 

This post is my acknowledgement of her traumatic life experience, but also my gratitude and thank you to her for the lessons I learned and the gift she never knew she gave to me.

50 thoughts on “Acceptance”

  1. Thank you for all of this, Deb. You’ve pulled heartstrings in the best possible way…throughout your post…but your concluding thought – thanking your mom…”for the lessons I learned and the gift she never knew she gave to me.” I’m grateful to you for sharing with all of us. 💕

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  2. A touching story of a lost soul and her long reach into the future. I imagine she is not finished with you, Deb — our parents never are — but now you are yourself and her voice seems to have quieted. Thank you for being so open and having the distance to tell her story and your own.

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    1. Thank you Dr. Stein. I agree with you- our families have long-reaching and lasting impact and I continue to work through those influences. I appreciate the way you stated “I imagine she is not finished with you, Deb — our parents never are — but now you are yourself and her voice seems to have quieted.” I truly sense a greater level of calm and literally have been able to acknowledge she no longer sits so close, whispering in my ear. There is more work with a goal of giving my own children different memories when they look back on their relationships with me.

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    1. I think quite a few people can relate to at least some aspects of my story. I am sorry that you had your own experiences, but also glad that you find yourself in a better space now. Thank you for reading today Alessandra.

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  5. Wow. Your post brought me tears. My mom suffered from an abusive mother and depression much of my life, but was never abusive to me. Fortunately, she got therapy early on in my life and in spite of maybe not the best treatment looking back, she worked on breaking from her pain and protected my brother and me. You chose the right road with your children however hard it was.

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    1. I truly appreciate this comment EA. We really never know what is going on in other families. I remember believing that there could never be anyone experiencing the things I did, but as an adult I know that was probably a naive assumption. I love that your mom had the strength to step away from repeating her own trauma. That’s huge. I am thankful everyday yet know there is still much to do.

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      1. Exactly right. There is still so much to do! I mentioned to Victoria that I bought a home decor sign that reads “Remember as far as everyone knows, we are a nice normal family.” It’s on my fireplace mantle as a tribute to my childhood.

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      3. Definitely. I wrote a manuscript based on my childhood where the family presents a perfect, ideal family to their small town. But after dark in the home, life is total chaos. Someday when my dad is gone, I will revisit that. It was my first venture into fiction writing.

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  6. My goodness, I have chills all over. What a courageous road you’ve walked. How seemingly much easier it would be to just keep the door closed but to do the work to understand and forgive her – but instead you lead with curiosity, heart and healing. Beautiful, just beautiful! I love what Dr. Stein said about your mom not being done with you yet. I sense her ripple in the cosmos is a little less amplified and more radiant because of this beautiful post!

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    1. Thank you Wynne. Dr Stein has some very meaningful words every time he comments doesn’t he 🙂 There really was no choice for me when it came to being different for my kids. While other aspects of my adult life did not work out as planned, I want the legacy I personally leave as mom to be so much better and will work for as long as I need to on that goal.

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      1. And clearly the work you’ve done to parent has totally paid off in the relationships you have with your kids. It’s beautiful to read about this intergenerational healing – which hinges on someone doing their work. Nice job, Deb!

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  7. A beautiful post. Well done Deb. I really like your last sentence and how you explain your feelings toward your mother. I can relate completely. I’ve written about my father. He had a tough life and sometimes that spilled over into how he treated my brothers and me, but despite that I’m grateful for the love he was able to share and the lessons he taught me. It’s refreshing to know that others share some of those same feelings toward their loved ones. Thanks for sharing.

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      1. It took me years to make that distinction Brian. I cannot change who or what mom was or what she experienced. I can only accept and do better for myself and my kids.

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    2. We aren’t alone Brian. I think that is what made me decide the time was right to post this. I always assumed everyone besides me existed in a perfect family world. It helped to hear other stories. Thank you for your kind words today.

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  8. You look quite a bit like your mom. The lessons you learned from her and your own reactions to her pain (and yours) have made you the person you are. We are all tempered and changed by both our positive and negative life experiences. Growth and change don’t come without pain.

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    1. There was something, even at a young age, that sat within me and kept repeating over and over that I had a choice. It’s odd but I think she saw it as well and struggled with that too. Perhaps I will tuck that thought away and write more about it.

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  9. Life can be so complicated, and I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this estrangement with your mother. But you have taken important steps to heal including this one – “In a quiet conversation with mom one night during this past year, I was able to tell her that I understood; that I was sorry; and that I forgave her.” Wishing you strength and peace!

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    1. Thank you! I have learned a lot about myself and holding on to all the negatives wasn’t ever going to do me any good, and I needed to forgive mom and myself so I could move forward. Thirty years is a long time to hold onto stuff and although I couldn’t say it when she was alive, it needed to be said. I appreciate your comment.

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  10. I’m so very sorry for your relationship and experience with your mom. It is a sobering reminder that not all, and that in fact many childhood experiences are not positive.

    I’m glad that you were able to rise above it and to learn from it as to not repeat the cycle.

    This was a nice parallel to your other post about your dad. And a reminder that everyone ultimately has a role to play on determining their path and how you respond to it.

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    1. So well said Ab, “…everyone ultimately has a role to play on determining their path and how you respond to it.” Yes we do but so many seem to get lost before they are able to see that, or never have the resources to figure it all out. Your words are very kind and honestly I was grateful that I could write about a not perfect ending with my mom, but one that is much better in many ways than where I was not so long ago.

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      1. Thanks Deb. I really appreciated the honesty in which you wrote about it. Life sometimes doesn’t have the traditional happy ending but it’s an ending nonetheless and I’m glad you had the closure. 🙏

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  11. Trauma response is different for all of us. Bless you for your journey to understanding and acknowledgement. You have taken courageous steps that no child should ever be required to take. I am glad you found peace in your decisions. ❤️

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  12. Someone else used the the term “bookends”…Love the picture of you and your dad! knowing more about the context, makes it even more special. and your relationship w/ your mom, I am humbled that you have been willing to pull back the curtain of your life and give me (us) a glimpse into your journey.

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    1. I’ve been blogging for what, a million years maybe Doug 😉 ?

      I’ve hinted at a lot and told some stories during that time, maybe even some version of this story as well as about dad. There’s a lot more to tell but it always feels so numbing, and defeating to speak about the bad, the years of bad. Somehow it finally made more sense to start from the ending. I imagine there will be more stories to come as I continue writing for this blog.

      Thank you as always for being a part of this journey with me 🙂

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  14. I found your post difficult to read, Deb, bringing up so many unresolved issues from both of my parents. I’m glad you’re able to move forward and beginning to write about it. I hope it gives you peace, and I’m so glad you got to spend those special, sober years with your dad xxx

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    1. I’m sorry Brenda, that my words caused you pain. Things left unresolved are tricky in the not knowing if or how to resolve them, or even if we should. My dad’s bravery and determination made our resolution happen- but as you read- the path between mom and I was long, and I think just as easily (if not for being a mom myself) may never have been resolved for me. I know understanding her and letting go has made a huge difference in my life. Not everyone is able to find that place. Hugs to you, and strength in whatever path you choose.

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  15. I admit to judging a book by its cover. In the photo, your mom appears to be a bright, cheerful, popular girl with a warm, outgoing, loving and kind personality. She looks like someone I would like to know. My “appraisal” of a photo (i.e., judgment!) just goes to show how we can never possibly know or understand what is going on in some one else’s head or soul.There’s a lot of talk these days about the need for and importance of ancestral healing. It sounds as if that is exactly what you are doing. Good for you. That is a noble work indeed!

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    1. Thank you Julia! I have been incorrect many times just as you note- using only what is outwardly visible. You really never know.

      Yes, I have been walking down that path of looking back into my history, trying to gauge and reflect on what parents and grandparents experienced and how that was carried forward. I see many patterns and have come to know the process as generational trauma. My goal was/is to stop as much (maybe all) of the cycle for my kids if I can.

      I appreciate your comment tremendously 🙂

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      1. Margaret’s comment about having a choice is a powerful statement, and I do hope that you will write more about it sometime. We all have so much to learn from one another. I find that it is much easier with time and distance to forgive those who hurt us, whether they are still living or not. Time has a way of smoothing the rough spots and helps bring a clearer perspective and understanding of the pain that have driven behavior. Compassion and forgiveness soon follow, if we allow it. It’s good to know that we can do that work here and now, and needn’t wait until we’re dead and gone! Thank you for the work that you are doing—it is a contribution to the highest good all of us. 🙏

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  16. My goodness, Deb. My heart aches for you, but the conclusion is just beautiful. Sometimes we need to really dive deep into the pain to discover isn’t lesson, it seems. I’m glad–for your sake and your kids’–that you were able to let go. My grandmother turned to alcohol when her husband passed and my mom, the baby of the family, had to raise herself. I can tell she still carries that trauma but, like you, she chose an opposite path and has always been present and attentive to her own children. Thanks for sharing such a vulnerable story, and one that seems so relatable for so many.

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    1. Oh, thank you Erin, for reading and for sharing a bit about your family. It seems so many of us have hidden parts, and often they stay buried. My personal belief is that it’s necessary to face the hard stuff, but wow- it can be tough for sure.

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  18. Being born to emotionally damaged and mentally ill parents can be so hard, because they have no idea how to be a good parent and often take out their problems and pain on the child. I’m so sorry you had to endure that. I’m glad, though, that you were wise enough to make the decision not to be like her or to let the way she treated you determine your own life and your own parenting style. You’re right, she did the best she could with the circumstances she was in. And you’re a very mature person to realize that, I think.

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    1. Ann thank you so much! I am so much a person who asks why all the time and wants to dig deep. I suspect that trait is what kept me digging to find out whatever I could that might explain mom and I’m glad I did. It has answered so many questions for me, not just focused on her but other family members as well. There is no perfect parent, or human either, but I hope my kids do not look back with the same hurtful thoughts and feelings I held for mom for so many years.

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  19. Thanks so much for sharing your story, Deb. I know it wasn’t easy.

    My stories, about alcoholism and my mother, are not the same as yours, though I am in the process of learning how to accept and deal with both issues from my past. Looks like you’re ahead of me in this regard, so I will continue to learn from your experiences.

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    1. Thank you. My path and the answers I’ve found may or may not be right for anyone else but if you are able to find insight in my stories I’m glad.

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