Last weekend I was mad at Mr. D. I have been letting the kids sleep in my bed. But the other night, instead of going to sleep after we’d read and told stories, Mr. D got out of bed and ransacked my closet, including getting up on a stool, grabbing my perfume and spraying it everywhere. It reeked! Then he took apart the top of the perfume bottle.
Miss O tried to minimize this by asking, “Do you ever wear that perfume?”
Clever, but beside the point.
It’s at moments like this one, when I’m angry, that a piece of advice a friend told me years ago she’d gotten when her kids were young, comes to mind, “Never back a kid into a corner. Always give them a way out.”
Since she told me it long before I had kids, I just filed it away. But clearly it stuck with me because it pops up when I’m really upset and provides me some structure.
I take it to mean that I can express my anger, disappointment, or frustration, but never leave my kids wondering what they should do next. It reminds me to give them a bridge to apology or repair. It reminds me of the other rule we have in our house, it’s okay to express how we feel but we don’t call ourselves, or others, names.
In this case, I told Mr. D that I was really angry that he got out of bed and into my stuff. He apologized right away, but then I offered him the chance to help me put my perfume bottle back together. As we sat on the floor finding the couple of little pieces, it gave me a chance to simmer down, and Mr. D a chance to find some three-year-old words to explain his curiosity.
I wondered if this would be good advice with grown-ups as well to help relationships to be resilient. The other day, my friend apologized for missing my birthday. At this age, it is not a big deal, so I wasn’t bothered, but she still was. Should I have added something like, “but I’d love to see you for a cup of tea sometime?”
Of course, I find that easier to do when I’m not upset. Because sometimes when I am bothered, I admit that I sorta enjoy letting the other person stew for a little bit. But I’ve noticed that following this advice to give my kids a way out, even when I am still worked up, it makes it easier for me to clear my own feelings too.
It makes me think of the perfume. Sometimes you need to open the windows to let it air out enough before things smell sweet again.
What do you think about building bridges when we’re angry?
I’ve written a complimentary post on my personal blog: Family Dynamics. If you have a moment, please check it out.
(featured photo from Pexels)
The Heart of the Matter 
Bridge building is definitely good for the soul—and karma. I confess, however, that sometimes before building a bridge I also enjoy a moment of allowing the perpetrator a bit of time to think about their ‘sin’ before I reach out. If I let it go too long, I am the one who ends up stewing about it. All the more reason to build a bridge! Thank you for your ‘true confession’ Wynne.
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Oh, Julia – “if I let it go too long, I am the one who ends up stewing about it.” Yes, yes, yes! So well said!
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You showed restraint and wisdom with your son. That would have been a very frustrating moment!
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It might have been just because I was gagging on the smell…but thank you, Elizabeth!
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Ha! 😅
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What a lovely, thoughtful and insightful post, Wynne. I love the advice of “never backing a kid into a corner.” The words that particularly resonated for me: “I’ve noticed that following this advice to give my kids a way out, even when I am still worked up, it makes it easier for me to clear my own feelings too.” I was better with this advice when it came to raising my kids than I am with the grown-ups in my life. I tend to stew for ages 😬 I recently made a decision to speak my mind as soon as I can, whenever I am upset, so your post was particularly timely. I will try to be conscious of building bridges while I do so. My sincerest thanks for this! 💕🙂🙏
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I find it easier with kids than adults too, Patti. Isn’t that interesting? I’m trying to be better at speaking up sooner too. Thanks for letting me know I’m not along in that! ❤
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You are DEFINITELY not alone 🙄🙄🙄💕
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Mr D is such an inquisitive and engaging guy, but at lights out, bedtime, SLEEP… I can only admit that things would not have been handled the way you did at the time my kids were that age. Logically we all know that there are better ways to handle stress and anger whether that be with our kids or in adult relationships but it’s allowing those moments to point us to those better pathways that seem to get blocked by the almost insurmountable wall that is our frustration or pain, or whatever. Those emotions can be really strong and overwhelm the good in those moments. I think bridges are an excellent idea, but personally I need a great deal of advanced engineering training to be successful at putting those spans up so that they will remain strong and steady 🙂
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Oh, I love your comment about advanced engineering training to make strong and steady spans. Yes!!! It is hard to do and I’m glad to hear its not just me that thinks that. Yes, strong emotions can too easily overwhelm the good – thank you for that astute observation, Deb! 🙂
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Oh that is such a great piece for kids, but really anybody. I was thinking about that recently related to a work relationship. If you don’t give someone an out, a way to save face, I find it makes the situation worse. Gotta remember your advice Wynne!
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I love how you’ve extended this as a leadership trait, Brian!! Yes, yes, yes!!
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I loved everything about this post, but honed in on Brian’s comment, because I too think saving face is so important, especially when it comes to adults. When we back someone into a corner (ie: don’t leave them a way out), we may win the battle, but we may have also done irreparable damage to the relationship. Great reminder and great wisdom throughout this post, Wynne!
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Kendra!! How wonderful to find a comment from you! And such a great one. The way you describe winning the battle but doing irreparable damage – yes, that makes so much sense. Right! ❤ ❤ ❤
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❤️❤️❤️
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I love the idea of building bridges, Wynne. When we feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or angry, it’s all to easy to erect walls and shut people out, whether as punishment or self-defense. The window analogy is great, too – the smell permeates everything when the windows are closed, but when we share our grievances it allows the negativity to diffuse before becoming too overwhelming. Little boys like mischief, huh? Hopefully, this is something you’ll be able to laugh about one day. 🙂
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You’ve put it perfectly, Erin – we erect walls. Yes! Then we have to build bridges over them. Thanks for the astute comment. Oh, and I’m laughing about the perfume – it was an instructive lesson for all of us.
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Love all of this…giving room to navigate…get past the rush of emotions…finding equilibrium. Your friend’s wisdom is so powerful…and I loved this, too — related to her sage advice related to ‘building a bridge’: 😉 …”it stuck with me because it pops up when I’m really upset and provides me some structure.” Structure, did you say? I’m with Deb – I love the engineering and construction references…may we all have solid footing! 🥰
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I love that we are honing in on some good engineering from this post, Vicki! I would think that by now you might be tired of engineering and construction – so I’m impressed by your resilience! Yes, I suppose the advice gives me a bridge to get over the upset and through that, I can work my way through to others. Let’s hope! 🙂
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🥰🥰🥰
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Having my son taught me to take responsibility for my anger and handle it far better than what I grew up with. I wasn’t as good about building bridges in the moment, but I modeled giving myself a time out to calm down and chill out, after which we’d reconnect with my apology and hugs. Doing much better with it all these days after having worked on myself.
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Oh, this comment resonates so much with me especially “Doing much better with it these days after having worked on myself.” It really comes down to that for so much, doesn’t it? Thanks for the great comment!
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Without bridges, we lose our humanity, Wynne, or so I believe. This is especially true when the world requires us to substitute electronic connections for those that are face-to-face. You have a gift in human relations. May it spread throughout the world!
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Ah, what an apt comment about losing our humanity, Dr. Stein. Right – we’ve got to keep working towards each other. Thank you for the lovely comment.
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Smells like a parenting win to me, Wynne! Kids need and look up to us for guidance and role modelling and it was so insightful of your friend to share that safe advice with you! 🙏 And you can already seeing it paying off, such as Miss O’s insightful response to help create that bridge for her younger brother.
And yes, I will admit it is fun to let others stew and squirm for a bit too. 😆🤣
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Ah, I’m laughing about “smells like a win.” Ha, ha, ha! Yes, Ab- you are so right about Miss O’s response. Funny how these kids stick together. Hard not to smile about that!
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“Never back a kid into a corner. Always give them a way out.” . . . Good adviee Wynne that also applies to adults 😊 Goes well with another quote . . . “Never answer an angry word with an angry word. It’s the second one that starts the argument’.”
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Oh, oh, oh – such a good one, Fred!
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My family is all sorts of cranky lately, and it feels like we just keep stepping in one another’s toes. This extends to my husband with his sister (I should say versus) and his aunts and uncles. Hard to be calm and build bridges
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Good point, LA. I think stress makes everything harder. And speaking personally, sometimes there are people that I don’t want to build bridges to.
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I get that complaints
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That’s excellent advice for any person of any age yet for me, hard to do. I’m better now at telling others that I need time to process or even figure out how I’m feeling. I’m much better now at not jumping in with too many words and too much anger. However, I still struggle with thinking logically when I’m angry.
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I have trouble thinking logically when I’m angry too, Margaret. I love what you say about not jumping in with too many words and taking time to process. I find it easier to do with my kids – but that might be because the upsets are smaller but I’m glad to have the chance to practice. Thanks for the great comment!
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Well, you had a lovely, scented room to savor while giving your children a bridge to cross! Indeed, you are a mother full of grace!
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Great point. Thanks, Mary!!
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No, but you should have said, “I’d love to see you for a cup of whiskey sometime.”
You can even make it a big occasion by using some of that perfume.
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Ah yes – an even better response!
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