Love at First Sight

Posted on by Wynne Leon

The other night, my almost four-year-old Mr. D ran up to me brandishing his strawberry popsicle and said, “My girl wants a red one too.” Your girl? What? Let me back up.

Our neighborhood has a wonderful Farmer’s Market. It not only has lots of stands of fruit, vegetables, and products where we can buy local, but also food trucks, live music, and a playground that’s open to the kids. An easy choice for a Friday night.

During our last visit to the Farmer’s Market, Mr. D was playing on the playground and upset that a little girl wouldn’t share the window where they play as if they are selling something. I ventured near but just watched as they worked it out.

And suddenly, they were no longer at odds but best friends. I found out from her parents that she was 3 ½ years old so just a couple months younger than Mr. D. Slides, climbing, and acting out their own version of a Farmer’s market, the two were having a great time.

Mr. D is a pretty social kid so I wasn’t surprised until it was clear his reaction was over-and-above. It was the popsicle line that alerted me – after I got him a popsicle he came running back to me to say, “My girl wants a red one too.” Her mom got her one and they made the rounds with matching popsicles.

Then I could hear him call “Evie” from the other side of the playground and was amused he’d made the effort to find out her name, something that doesn’t always happen at this age. When we went to the bathroom, he started yelling her name as soon as we exited the building, no matter that a band and about 100 people were between him and the playground.

After we left the Farmer’s market, he was chattering away at the future plans he had for Evie all the way until bedtime and through the weekend.

This scene has stayed with me all week. As always, my kids remind me of an openness that I have to work to uncover in myself. Whereas I have to make a conscious effort to just be with others without a plan, they naturally have curiosity and flexibility to discover the people around them.

Evie represents this exact scenario – the payoff of love at first sight that comes from having a heart that’s ready to receive. Not covered over by assumptions, busy-ness, and preoccupation, an approach that is instead ready for the true adventure of seeing who someone else is and how they move you inside.

I’m fascinated with UC Berkley cognitive psychologist, Dr. Alison Gopnik’s lantern awareness versus spotlight awareness description of the way kids move within the world versus adults. She describes kids’ approach as lantern awareness – like having a light held up high overhead that illuminates the whole scene so they can explore in 360 degrees around them. By contrast, most grown-ups have spotlight awareness that has a beam focused steadily on where they are going.

Watching Mr. D with Evie, it seems to apply to our relationships as well. When I’m focused on dropping the kids at school, running in to the post office to mail a package, and then to the next meeting, I forget to ask the person next to me in line if they also saw the beautiful sunrise.

Love at first sight doesn’t happen to me very often at my age. But maybe it isn’t because the love, whether it be romantic, platonic, or just universal, has become unavailable. It’s the “first sight” that has changed – the opening of focus and elimination of assumptions that is a requisite for really seeing.

I’ve written a companion piece to this one on my personal blog about our writing relationships: Love at First Write. Check it out!

(featured photo from Pexels)

42 thoughts on “Love at First Sight”

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  2. What a sweet story to start my week, Wynne. I love all parts of this story and how open kids, such as Mr D, are to exploring a situation from all angles. I think grownups need more of this lantern awareness. I hope the two of them get to see and hang out more. Sounds like a good budding friendship! And who doesn’t want a strawberry popsicle on a warm summer day? Happy 4th of July to you all!

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    1. I agree with you that grownups need more lantern awareness, Ab. We might get less done and forget to put our shoes in the same place when we take them off – but imagine the joy!! We are going to miss a couple of Farmer’s Market – it’ll be interesting after a break if the feeling still holds. 🙂 Thanks for the lovely Monday morning comment!

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  3. Such a lovely post, Wynne 🙂 And I love the idea of ‘lantern awareness’ versus ‘spotlight awareness’! We can learn so much from children. I could just picture your son and little Evie bonding. I particularly appreciated how you stayed back and let them figure things out for themselves 🙂🙏💕

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    1. Thank you, Patti! What a warm and lovely comment. They often do better without our interference, don’t they? Having the lens to understand things between lantern and spotlight awareness has made so much sense to me! Hope you have a lovely Monday!

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  4. I agree with Patti, I applaud you for letting them figure things out on their own. I’m struck too how kids teach us so much. I became a better friend to others by simply watching my kids and picking up on their “curiosity and flexibility to discover the people around them.” It’s funny how they end up teaching us! And oh yea, tell Mr. D, good choice in popsicles. I might have to grab me a strawberry one now too!!!🎉🎉😎

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    1. Strawberry popsicles are the best, aren’t they? Mr. D says to go for it. You are right – our kids teach us so much, especially when we pick up on their vibes! Sending good vibes to you today, Brian!!

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      1. Thanks Wynne, I just finished your book! My kindle has too many highlights to count. I guess I went a little overboard. So many great messages. Your dad sounds like such a great role model. I thought of that reading your post today. Thanks for sharing both.

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  5. This reminds of the first-sight love affair between my five-year old granddaughter and the five-year old grandson of my best friends. It was adorable and fun to watch—like a full-blown mini version of adult relationships, complete with spats and make ups. But it also reminds me that sometimes I forget to apply the lantern approach to myself, and shine the spotlight on my small self instead of my Soul self. Life is always better in the lantern light of the soul rather than the spotlight of the small. Thanks for helping me to remember! Sometimes I forget. Imagine that!

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    1. I love how you’ve extended this to our own small space versus the big space of the soul, Julia. That’s brilliant! Yes, when we are narrowed down, we can’t see the unity of all things, can we? Such a good reminder. Thank you, my friend!

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  7. My youngest grandson not only has a girlfriend, but they are married! Age 4, like Mr.D.

    Very cute.

    But what struck me most about your post was your description of how “first sight” changes over time. Ideally, it sidelines some of the spontaneous attraction while providing a more knowing , thoughtful look at the other. I’d be interested in hearing more, but thanks for this, Wynne.

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    1. That’s so cute and sweet, Dr. Stein! And you’re right – the way our first sight changes over time is a great topic. I love the way you’ve described the ideal – moving towards a knowing, thoughtful look. Hmm, we’ve got to tease that topic out!

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  10. Lantern vs Spotlight. Now I understand the why behind some of the things I do. I’m going to start lighting my way with a lantern like the little ones. Yours demonstrate they seem to end most days on a happy note.

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    1. Isn’t lantern versus spotlight such an interesting note about our awareness? I’m fascinated with it. And you’re right – they do end most days on a happy note. Here’s to more of that for all! Thanks for reading and commenting, Michael!

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  11. I love that you shared this sweet story. It made me think of my grandson, who, per my daughter, has been making friends at the ball field this summer. He goes there with daughter’s boyfriend, who plays on a local league through the summer. Knowing what this kid has endured in his 9 years and the struggles he has with getting along with others, this makes me so happy. Your post also reminded me of a time back when our daughter and grandson were living with us in Colorado. My grandson would ask to stay and play in the park next to the school after school let out each day, and my daughter and (sometimes) I would grant his request. There was one little girl, probably about 5, who was always there along with her probably 3 year old brother. They loved playing with my grandson. One time I heard this little girl yelling my grandson’s name, in an effort to locate him, as he had wandered off to a different part of the park. In her sweet voice, she’d bellow “Chris! Ta! Fer!” and it just cracked me up. One of the joys in life, I believe, is witnessing kids interacting with each other. They are so open. As adults, they have things to teach us for sure.

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    1. Oh, such sweet stories, Rhonda! I love your description of the little girl yelling your grandson’s name. Just melts my heart. And yes – here’s to be open like these wonderful little examples!! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  12. You brought back wonderful memories of my son at the beach falling in love at first sight at the same age as Mr. D. One of his favorite “pick up lines” was “Want to meet my little sister?”

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  13. I have to toss in that while I think everyone’s unique personality plays a role in their openness and ease when approaching something or someone new I also think (with kids, but also with adults) that we learn by example. Not to discredit Mr. D in any way at all but I know personally how a significant mom in his life is very willing to approach and be approachable to new folks. When that example of willingness is a part of daily life, or moments on hiking trails with dogs and their owners, or maybe even in the grocery store or around the neighborhood, littles who observe become open themselves. I suspect your awareness and focus is just fine 🙂

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    1. Ha, ha, ha – good point, Deb! Yes, you’re right – I like strangers too. I think you make a good point about the nature/nurture component of our openness. But I have to say, I think I’m more open when I’m around my kids because they remind me not to be so task-oriented!

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