I need to be real here. Our topic of self-care this month is a tough one for me. There are the standard categories that define self-care and all are widely published online. If you are a list person, and like clear definitions blogger Erin was kind enough to write The Seven Pillars of Self Care on her personal blog last week. A big shoutout to her for taking care of that step for me! I think she covered very succinctly what most people think of when they hear that term although there are other ways to look at and discuss self-care, also incorporated here on HoTM by all of our writers this month.
I tend to view self-care a bit differently than others perhaps. I shy away from the neatly labeled categories. preferring to view self-care from a whole individual, life-long perspective.I also dislike the way many have co-opted the concept. Let me try to explain.
My perspective…laying it all out there
Looking at Erin’s guide or any guide that pops up when you Google self-care I have to tell you honestly that I do not live with any great intent to have, or even possess an awareness of a specific self-care practice that follows the key points.That is because I do not see self-care as individual aspects to be managed based on stress, worry, busyness, friendship highs and lows, awareness and growth, etc. I see self-care as a life long project, as a response to life itself and that balancing act that we as adults have to face to be purposeful stewards for our lives. In the simplest of terms we all must live each day, doing the best that we can, dealing with what comes along. That is life. Personally, when that life is tough on occasion, I will treat myself to a thing, a moment, a person, or even just a simple pat on the back for being functional and upright doing what humans do…living.
Plus…there is also rebellion
Because I know myself pretty darn well at this point, I also admit to taking issue with what the term Self-Care has become. I tend to think of self-care as a trend. A catchy label that has become conflated with beauty routines, diet culture, fitness memberships, step trackers, self-care smartphone apps, high-priced products of sketchy value, centering workshops and wellness retreats, Lululemon and yoga pants, hundreds of self-help books, and a bazillion YouTube videos that want to teach me what I already know and do daily but refuse to define as personal self-care.
I am just 2 months shy of turning 64 years old. I know now through lived experience and some really senseless mistakes when I was younger, what is good for me and what helps me to live a relatively healthy and balanced life. I went through trials and tough years dealing with sh*t because there was no such thing as “self-care” at the time. I am pretty darn okay with my imperfect self so at this point 90% of the hard stuff has been done. I have figured out most of life and honestly now life is pretty easy because I know what works and what doesn’t and I know how to help myself on those infrequent harder days. YouTube really can’t tell me anything I don’t already know.
Finally…the bottom line
I truly believe that everyone should do what works for them and find what helps them to feel better and more balanced in their life. If meditation and mindfulness help you- Great! If counting every single step makes you more aware of your physical being and health- Wonderful! If writing about each day helps you to process the hard stuff and work through it- put all the words down, and I hope you have a beautiful and comfortable pen to lay down those feelings!
Yet, on the flip side of this I also truly believe that self-care has become something tied to how humans live on the earth right now. From childhood on people are pulled in a million directions at once and asked to deal with/cope with/abide by expectations of their own and everyone else’s as well. It is a stressful time, much more so than what I remember dealing with as a young adult, new parent, or even middle-aged woman restarting life during divorce. Somewhere in all that gunk the connection to oneself has been misplaced or maybe lost entirely and so I do get the need to reconnect and remember just how worthwhile we each are.
I may not follow trends yet I practice my own form of self-care- I just don’t label it as such. “It” is simply how I have come to live each day knowing what I need. Those needs are few and relatively simple:
-Nutritious food- mostly plant-based with a focus on no added sugars.
-Water
-Walking or simply being outside
-Caring for the environment as best as I can
-Thinking about my 3 amazing adult children (and their partners) each day with a huge amount of pride
-Watching my granddaughters flourish
-Laughing at myself
-Learning
-Connecting with the people I care about either in person or through their words online
-Refusing to be silent when words are needed
When you reach the point that you’ve figured out what works for you as I believe I personally have, or as Bert Lance* succinctly noted “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it” then perhaps it’s best to embrace and be thankful for that wisdom and leave the searching to others. Perhaps the trick of self-care, once you find your right path is to embrace knowing yourself, and leave the growing and often opportunistic trending practices alone. I think that may be the true definition of self-care. I think Lucille Ball may agree with me given her words: “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line”
I mentioned mistakes in my past that led to some important life lessons. I’ve chosen to highlight a few of those younger years mistakes on my personal blog this morning. If you haven’t, please pop over to Closer to the Edge and look under the posts tab to read Is “Self-Care” Just a Bunch of Hooey? You may see a side of me that surprises you.
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* “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” is widely attributed to T. Bert Lance who served as President Jimmy Carter’s Director of the Office of Management and Budget in 1977 although it also appears to be a colloquial phrase heard often throughout the south during that time.
The Heart of the Matter 
Oh I so love your line, “live each day knowing what I need.” Self care in 10 words or less!! Absolutely the best definition I’ve yet to read
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Thanks Michael! That’s my motto- keeping things simple and I appreciate your awareness to pick up on that particular phrase. It does really say what I believe 🙂
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Loved every bit of this, Deb…and your thoughts about ‘rebellion’ in the face of self-care overload? So good. And this? “I have come to live each day knowing what I need.” Perfect. And…who can argue with a spot-on quote from Lucy? I LOVE that, too. xo! 🥰
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Thanks Vicki! I imagine no one is surprised by my views on the trendiness of self-care given that I’ve been vocal about many trending aspects of life in 2023. It’s a good feeling to know what works later in life and embrace those things without having to keep searching. A perk I suppose of getting older, although I will never say no to learning new things. There is a confidence in being happy with and knowing you’ve found what you need 🙂
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Love every bit of that — confidence in knowing yourself enough to pick and choose what works for you. Clearing the clutter…because goodness knows there’s so much of that…yes, yes! 😉
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Thanks for the shoutout, Deb! I absolutely adore the phrasing “purposeful stewards for our lives” and suspect achieving that end is the ultimate source of meaning, fulfillment, and happiness. And I’m with Michael and Vickie – your personal definition of self care is lovely: “I have come to live each day knowing what I need.” Personally, I’ve found that to be far more rewarding (and far less stressful) than chasing the self-care trends.
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Thank you Erin! I do think we have a responsibility to ourselves to do the best that we can both physically and emotionally. I’ve just never been sure I need a lot of outside guidance in finding or following others take on what self-care should be 🙂
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I’m with you Deb, I have some issues with the catchiness of self-care and how some folks throw it around like a panacea. At the same time, though, I’m really glad to see the focus in recent years on mental health and doing what you need to do take care of yourself. I remember being in the workforce years ago and something horrible would happen, and it was just assumed that you’d “suck-it-up,” stop being a baby, and get back to work. I like that we recognize that depression is real and that you can’t be all things to all people 24/7. When the focus is on health and less fad-related, the way you defined it Deb, I have no issues with the term. 🙂
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Yes Brian, the overall focus and reminders that we really do owe it to ourselves- that it is our personal responsibility to care for ourselves will never get old or be lost in the trending images of self-care. That “suck it up” concept was what I grew up with and while it served it’s purpose many times in my life, it took a lot of work to learn to accept that I personally had to value myself, my time, my opinions…my individuality. That meant setting aside what others expected of me and being willing to honor myself. That screams self-care in my opinion! Thanks for your great comment!
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What a refreshing post of truth! I love, “Perhaps the trick of self-care, once you find your right path is to embrace knowing yourself, and leave the growing and often opportunistic trending practices alone.” You had me from title on – and I love that you also listed what you know to be true for you. Thanks for showing us a great path past the trendy BS!
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Thank you Wynne! I never want to make assumptions about what will or won’t work or what feels comfortable for others, but yes- this is my truth and that list is exactly what allows me to live with a high level of contentment and happiness now later in life. I try not to automatically dismiss new ideas, but let’s just say I don’t rush to adopt many of them 😉
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“I see self-care as a life long project, as a response to life itself and that balancing act that we as adults have to face to be purposeful stewards for our lives.” My favorite line out of many in your post. Well done!
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Thanks EA! It’s taken me some time to come to this conclusion for myself and I know others take different paths using their own preferred resources. I think the key though has to be that we want to be better (in whatever area of our lives) for ourselves, not to prove something to anyone else.
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That’s so true!
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Excellent post on a term that I’ve always found a little grating, but I didn’t know why. I’m all for taking care of oneself but I’ve never been too crazy about trendy “new” concepts that really are just common sense.
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Grating is a good word Janis and fits my thoughts on self-care trends pretty accurately. I hope everyone comes to understand they matter and deserve to pay attention to what they want and need- but that is an individual choice in how they accomplish that goal. I was raised on common sense thanks to my dad. I’m not sure I could look at things in any other way 🙂
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Hi Deb, great post. My favorite line and one I connect with is “Somewhere in all that gunk the connection to oneself has been misplaced or maybe lost entirely…” There’s a lot of gunk out there for sure. I see young people spending so much time worrying about what others think or say both in person and online. It’s just too much. And way more than I had to deal with as a young person.
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I know things are different now, I see it with my grandkids and it’s hard. Of course the desire to fit in and find one’s place is nothing new- we all wanted that when we were young. Kids are bombarded from every side in ways I never was and I think so many worthwhile ideas- like the very simple idea of caring for and about oneself- often gets convoluted into something they feel they must do to be worthy among their peers. FYI- it’s not just kids either. I think plenty of adults just don’t have the tools to believe in themselves and their own power to know their worth as an individual. Thanks so much for chiming in today!
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Yes, indeed, self-care does seem to be trendy these days; I tend to recoil from it because 1. Too many proponents appear to believe they have all the answers. 2. Sometimes it’s a mere band aid for ugliness that needs to be faced and dealt with. “Putting delicious frosting on a sh*t cake still doesn’t make it taste like anything other than sh*t.” 3. Some (not all) self-care adherents seem to get stuck in a toxic positivity loop which makes me wonder if they’re simply covering up or ignoring a whole lot that should be wrestled with. Personally, I will never have all the answers, although I have found a few during my nearly 67 years on the planet; I’ll be searching for ways to learn about myself and this world until I die.
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Yes to all these things M, and to keeping real with your viewpoints! We talk a lot here about balance and maybe learning that balance between the hard (negative) stuff and the easier (positive) stuff does come as we grow older and I will say it- WISER 🙂 There is just no one right way, but individual choice. I love how you can look deeper into the topic and ponder over some of the whys after fully living many of your own challenges while still contemplating more to come. I would offer that I never want to assume that the hard life lessons will ever cease, but that I feel at this point that I do have a decent supply of knowledge and tools to get myself comfortably through whatever may come and out the other side relatively unscathed. Part of that is simply knowing myself and having a certain level of confidence to push through. I think we’ve both had lots of practice 😉
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I share a lot of your perspective on self-care, Deb. It has become a buzzword that usually involves getting people to spend money. Most of what we really need is simpler than that. To me, self care doesn’t involve spa days, new outfits, or trips to the beauty parlour. You’re more likely to see me doing something simple like getting outside in nature for a walk, or indulging in creative activities like singing or writing.
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I so agree Michelle. In so many ways what might have been a simple concept to remind folks to think about themselves more often has in many ways now become focused on money and lots of it. But I suppose if people keep buying it will keep growing until the next thing comes along. I have a real objection to being directed to fit into categories to be successful in caring for myself as well and with so many different defined aspects that we are supposed to focus on regarding self-care I honestly sometimes wonder when we are supposed to have the time to just live life. I love that you have found what works for you and that it is easily accomplished and works 🙂
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Love this – “Knowing, and Loving Oneself is the Ultimate Form of Self-Care”!!!!!
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Thank you, and for me it’s absolutely true!
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And me too!
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“Refusing to be silent when words are needed.” – This one really touched me and is so important. I agree, self-care is about having a connection with oneself which isn’t necessarily what happens on a spa day 🙂..
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Thank you! That little piece of my learning was a necessity after spending years avoiding tough conversations. Sometimes they still aren’t easy to have but if I want to take care of my own mental and emotional well-being then I have to speak about both the good and the bad, even to people who may not want to hear the words. Thanks for reading today 🙂
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Yes, I was the same and have recently started wading into the waters of having the tough conversations sooner than later..it is not always(or ever!) easy🙂.. Thank you for the post and the food for thought!
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Love that I inspired some reflection!
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“I see self-care as a life long project, as a response to life itself and that balancing act that we as adults have to face to be purposeful stewards for our lives.”
I love this line, Deb, because it’s so true.
As I noted in my comments on your other related post, self care really does have to come from within and not through trends or fads.
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And I love that your list at its core is about your family and loved ones. 💕
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Oh thank you Ab for both comments! I do think the basics behind self-care are sound, but I also don’t think we can depend on others to show us a right or wrong way to be good to ourselves- if that makes sense. Yet you really do need to know who you are at the core and if you haven’t worked through that then perhaps the very specific practices are what you need. I just remember having to find my own way throughout, not having a pointed list or self-help guide!
And my family- yes they will always be my center with the other good things tossed in and woven through. They are fundamentally my reason for being.
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Thank you, Deb, for taking on the conventional thought about self-care. You also spurred me to think about why this concept has popped up in our lifetime and not before in all of human history. Much appreciated.
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Thank you Dr. Stein! Perhaps there will be a deep dive post coming from you in the future? That would be wonderful and I know very insightful 🙂
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I think so, Deb. I’ll have to wear scuba equipment! Thanks!
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LOL!
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I wrote my reply in my head again. Forgot to leave it here. I’m getting concerned. 😉 I love your list and agree with you on the notion of fake self care. Saying no when yes would suck the life out of you is self care. Leaving a bad situation is self care. Walking to keep the lungs working is self care. Trying hard to not mainline sugar is an attempt at self care. I could copy your list as it’s very much like my own. We just keep putting one foot in front of the other and do our best not to murder those that torment us daily is probably self care too. You explained it so well here. Thanks.
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Your version of the list is so real and so full of truth and so much sass Marlene! This is my favorite: “We just keep putting one foot in front of the other and do our best not to murder those that torment us daily is probably self care too.” I wish I had said that 😉
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🙂 I’m feeling my oats today.
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Loved this. It is so true. The best form of self-care is giving ourselves what we need and nor what others tell us that we need.
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Thank you Chanel, I agree! If we know and trust ourselves and take the opportunity to look at what matters to us as individuals then maybe that means we don’t need to search or jump onto every new or “better” thing that comes along.
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I loved reading this post and your perspective on self-care. I definitely agree that it has become a bit of a trend and seems like a way for companies to make money really! I like your viewpoint of self care or ‘it’ being what you need each day. Being in nature is it for me x
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Thank you for reading Caroline! I appreciate your views and honesty. Being in nature has to be the most important thing I can do for myself as well- hands down 🙂
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I enjoyed reading your blog post.
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