Still Younger…With Some Wiser Tossed In

Posted on by Deb

“One person caring about another represents life’s most significant value.”

Jim Rohn

I was struck by a moment of utter, age-related joy a few weeks ago which then turned to age-related horror. Given that we are discussing gratitude this month what better time can there be to share. Please note however, I AM poking fun at aspects of aging in this post and do not want anyone to take my words as disrespect. Everything that I describe I also fully know may/will be in my future soon enough so please know I GET IT and mean no offense to anyone of any age or capability.

I had my annual health and wellness check-up with my PCP. When the labs came back I can say that I was so very pleased about the changes I’ve made over this last year. As my PCP noted with her one word comment for each of the 4 main tests, I am boringly NORMAL! Probably best not to be a naysayer about the impact of lifestyle changes…

I originally began seeing this doctor when I was still working. Her clinic was a part of the hospital complex I worked at. She chose to leave there about 1 year ago and join up with a clinic much closer to her home, and bonus for me, much closer to my home. It is an Internal Medicine practice, and for those readers who are under 40ish, many folks as they begin aging opt to move away from the Family Practice model and seek the expertise of IM docs who focus on aging related healthcare.

So on the day of my appointment I entered this new, multi-doctor clinic to check in then take my turn at sitting until called to the back. A few things immediately struck me…

I was clearly the only person in the room who came in unaided by a companion, a cane, a walker, or a wheelchair. I was also the only person not wearing some level of knit stretchy waist pants, orthopedic shoes, compression stockings or hearing devices. I was not hunched over, shuffling slowly in my gait, nor did I have trouble navigating the massively heavy automatic door. My hair was fully my own but graying yet not balding or totally white-thin-wispy or permed to within an inch of its life and not a strange out of the box orange-red or jet black trying to mask my age. I did not carry luggage (a huge bag/purse which surely added to the inability to walk, navigate, balance) or oxygen, nor did I find it necessary to pull out a list of questions, concerns, and personal info to share with the receptionist. I also thankfully had the ability to communicate on a normal to quiet level as I checked in having no desire to share my personal and confidential information with the entire room.

There can be a slight stigma associated with choosing an Internal Medicine doctor given the fact that theirs is mainly a geriatric medicine practice. On this day however, even with my age giving me full reason to wear the ‘geriatric’ title, I still felt, moved, and dare I say even appeared younger than literally every other patient in the room. I do not deny that gratitude filled my heart in those moments!

Here is where things get a bit sticky. A patient came in alone and it became clear that she had extreme hearing issues. As is often the case when hearing is impaired there is the possibility of overcompensation as the person tries to speak louder and louder while not recognizing that they are sharing their words with the entire room. Every moment of my years of PHI (protected health information) and HIPAA (health insurance portability and accountability act) training went on higher than high alert as the aged patient began revealing personal information along with a laundry list of issues concerning both herself and also her husband.

For those of us waiting we learned things we never should have heard. No matter how much the receptionist tried to be discreet, tried to simply ask the patient to verify with a yes or no that the written information presented to her was accurate, the dear lady would then loudly repeat all the private aspects, often more than once. Next we learned about the growth on her husband’s head, how long it had been there, how it was growing, and about his latest disturbing symptom associated with the growth-prolonged and painful headaches.

Towards the end of this painful (for me anyway) conversation we also learned that the lovely woman needed to go next door for lab work…long neglected lab work. I had found it hard to resist going to the desk to help this lady during the previous conversation. I found it almost impossible not to bound out of my chair to not only escort her across the outside hallway but (given that I now knew her full medical history) also be her ears and voice just to get her situated at her lab visit. I did not do either however because clearly that would have been totally inappropriate and not allowed being a stranger. I could only imagine what was happening in the lab as the MA called my name for my appointment.

While aging can often be funny, quirky, stereotypical, even self-deprecating if we accept what is happening to our bodies and embrace those changes, aging can also be difficult, lonely, embarrassing, and down right dangerous in many ways. I have no idea if this woman truly wanted to remain independent or if she simply had no one to help her. The gratitude that I had felt earlier disappeared as I imagined a time when I too may not have the courage to ask for help, the wherewithal to ask for help, or even worse a time when I feel that I have no one in my life I can ask to be a helper.

If you are aging, or know someone who is aging, I hope that you will take this post to heart. We may not ask, we may not want to ask, we may even feel that we have no one to ask, but I know that I would be incredibly grateful just to have someone offer to be a helpmate in this sort of situation.

As a family member, or dear trusted friend, even the smallest gesture of kindness may make a world of difference and bolster acceptance and dignity as we face our aging journey…

44 thoughts on “Still Younger…With Some Wiser Tossed In”

  1. As an ole ragamuffin who’s still undeservedly enjoys good health (save for an occasional ‘hearing loss’ my wife has diagnosed as ‘convenient loss of hearing ‘ 🙂) I share your compassion and gratefulness Deb for not yet bearing the usual aging maladies many of my generation are afflicted with. There but for His grace am I.
    However, my quest for that elusive dose of ‘wiser’ continues 😊
    Be blessed!

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    1. I hear you Fred and silently ask those “maladies” to stay as far away as possible! I chuckled thinking about how your wife defines those moments of “hearing loss” in your relationship. I can do that with my granddaughters as well and it often works, or they are just kind enough to play along.

      Wiser…I think I never want to be too wise, yet love the journey to keep discovering and knowing myself better 🙂

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  2. Thanks, Deb, for a fine rendering and example of aging challenges. It seems this woman may not ask for help because she lacks the awareness that she needs it. One wonders whether she would welcome the offer of kindly assistance. Some would, others might be offended.

    The front desk of medical practices and offices routinely ask for personal info., including birthdates, setting up patients for the kinds of problems you describe, unfortunately.

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    1. It was so hard to watch and hear this encounter Dr. Stein. I did not even mention that the space itself was not conducive to privacy to begin with and the check in areas needed a complete overhaul in form and function so this lady had some cards stacked against her to begin with. You are so correct in the uncertainty needed to judge just how far to intercede, if at all, in situations like this.

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  3. There’s so much grace in your post, Deb. The reminder that it takes little to inquire…may I help you…when we see someone in need. We’re all headed in the same direction and the spirit of supporting one another as we march forward is a beautiful thing to read about this morning. Thank you! 💕💕💕

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    1. Thank you Vicki 🙂

      I was so torn on how far to step up given the amount of information that had already been loudly announced to the room. I sat there and also wondered if this lovely woman had driven herself to this office, which clearly should not be happening either! It was disheartening that the staff also seemed to be lost in what to do, which seemed odd to me after working in healthcare settings for so long. I was grappling with wanting to force my own ideas and choices onto them as well to make the process easier all around. The whole thing left me wondering (again) what is happening within our healthcare systems for those who really need helpful resources and guidance. Then I just got angry….

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      1. All of that came through in what you wrote, Deb. You, with your medical expertise, you know darn good and well that doing better and leading with kindness IS possible. I thought about you yesterday when I had a marathon visit to an oral surgeon’s office. Even though I was under stress and the whole place was full of anxious patients, the care team – inclusive of the thoughtful front desk team – made a rough experience less so. When I left, I saw a dear woman who’d driven herself there and as she entered, she was shaky. Because of dental pain or something else? I didn’t know but I was comforted by my observations about the caring atmosphere in the office. Hopeful they would see what I saw. Hugs to you! 💕

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      2. Thank you, for acknowledging that I made some degree of sense in what I wrote. I feel there’s a fine line sometimes and I know we all try to do our best but in the moment it can often be difficult to see other options…I’ve been on that side as well!

        As comfortable as I am in the dental world, even I wouldn’t welcome a marathon OS appt as a patient that is! Hope all is fixed and well, but I understand the stress so many feel. I stopped hearing fairly quickly how dental staff were the most hated medical teams ever…we just learned to laugh it off given the fear levels. I hope the shaky lady had a better experience than what she anticipated as well. It sounds like you chose an office that is keenly aware of not only who comes through the front door, but also what they bring with them, and how to make the experience easier 🙂

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      3. LOL….yes. I think they wondered about me when I nearly interviewed THEM before I decided to give my trust…and my mouth…to a new group of professionals. They didn’t miss a beat…I explained my backstory and they were incredibly compassionate…just as I’m sure you were in those roles. And yes, yes. What you wrote made tons of sense. I felt every bit. xo! 🥰

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      4. YES! What you did by interviewing them is so important! Patient rights but also patient responsibility to ask, uncover, discuss and feel valued by a staff and practice. So, so important and often something patients have no idea they can or should be doing. Yay for Vicki 😉

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      5. You are so sweet and supportive…and wise. It was one of the best things I ever did. Just assertively said “I want to chat first” before I opened up and said “aaahhh”. They were completely accommodating, and I felt so much better – more empowered and literally heard. Even though I felt a little foolish at first, I’ll be doing the same thing in the future for any medical/dental appointments. Thanks, Deb! 🥰

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  4. Neither one of us likes to ask for help but I’ve gotten better at it, mostly due to widowhood and home ownership. I do what I can and know how to do, but often have to reach out to neighbors, my brother, John, etc. I dread my blood test every year because there’s always something amiss. I’m assuming that I will eventually end up diabetic which I dread. There’s only so much I can do to hold off my bad genetics.

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    1. I always remained independent and tackled most things without thought to ask, since it was never offered to begin with. I see no reason not to attempt things unless they’re dangerous or cause physical pain like stashing luggage in overhead bins… That lady though- she was facing actual danger given her level of hearing loss. Someone in her sphere needs to step forward with some honest discussions I think, unless she truly has no one which breaks my heart.

      I’m sorry there is that genetic component in the family to diabetes yet I will always strongly advocate for individual choice and environment as being impactful in our own healthcare. My numbers tell me clearly every year that the changes and choices I’m making are doing positive things. I’m proud of that- knowing that I don’t have to be another statistic in regards to aging and poor health.

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    2. We recently watched the Blue Zones, a 4 episode docuseries on Netflix that expands on the old TED talk from years (decades?) ago about zones around the globe where people routinely reach their 100s healthfully. One of the key learnings on how to accomplish that was through cherished relationships, some of which those centenarians have cherished (love how you said that) since they were of a single-digit age…

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  6. The years I managed my parents’ health challenges taught me so much. Not only did I become much more patient but my compassion and empathy for older people who are struggling was strengthened. I am so grateful for my husband’s and my current good health, but I know that could change at any time. I understand your desire to help that women and I also understand why you didn’t. I do hope she has someone she trusts to help her in the future.

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    1. Although both my parents passed suddenly and I had little experience in the caregiving role working in healthcare has made me so aware of the joys as well as the stresses of varied life stages. Now that I’m aging myself I try to keep an open perspective for myself but also for others as they try to navigate changes. Thanks for reading today Janis!

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  7. Even though I’m young, this is so relatable, Deb.The doctor’s office is certainly a great place to practice gratitude. Also, I just love this: “While aging can often be funny, quirky, stereotypical, even self-deprecating if we accept what is happening to our bodies and embrace those changes.” I’ve found this to be 100% true… being ill myself led me to gradually develop a taste for extreme self-depreciating humor.😂

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    1. LOL! Of course in serious situations humor may be far away in anyone’s mind as there is so much else to focus on. I can get a bit outspoken regarding ageist stereotypes and the expectations of what I am viewed to be unable to do so I love to prove folks wrong 🙂 yet I also know sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself and the changes that often pop up almost overnight. Plus, if I turn into a super-ager after all I sort of get the last laugh in the humor department 😉

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  8. Oh, this is such a beautiful post, Deb. You have shared a story that goes right to my heart. The gratitude, the empathy, and the compassion. Thank you for sharing something so powerful – and a reminder of what happens to all of us if we are so lucky! ❤ ❤ ❤

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    1. Oh Wynne, your words are so kind yet I think almost everyone in that space at the time was thinking much the same as me. Every year that I age I literally see more points to be aware of and to speak about to keep awareness for those who often don’t have a voice or feel they don’t have support. That lovely lady was so capable and so clearly informed about her health…she just needed a second set of ears and perhaps a fully level of privacy 🙂

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  9. My dad is 91 years old and he resents any help at all. It’s almost as though it’s an insult to him. I definitely relate to your post. Yes, we are getting older with any luck. I have a retinal problem and since I was in my 30s I’d be the only person in the specialists office who wasn’t using a walker, with a companion, oxygen tank, etc. for my annual eye check up. I did need someone to pick me up and get me safely home with my eyes super dilated.

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    1. It’s a bit beyond me how we make things easier for an aged person to accept that sometimes they need a bit of help, even when they don’t believe they do. I know nothing more than to simply keep trying but maybe turn the perspective around in some way in an attempt to convince them that they are doing you a favor instead of the other way around 🙂

      Yes, we will all be in some aged scenario at some point won’t we, and maybe learning how to accept those moments when we need help now, or even at 30 will keep our perspective real as we find we can’t do as much as before. I hope that I’m willing to accept help. I think I will be…especially at 90+ years old.

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      1. It’s frustrating, but I’m also impressed with his independence. Being hard of hearing is his main obstacle. He pretends to hear, but then has no clue what was said. He said he doesn’t want one of those phones that has the words printed out. I should probably buy it for him for Christmas anyway.

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      2. Does he have a relationship with your kids? If so perhaps buy it but have them gift it with the message that they just want to make sure he can keep in contact with them if needed…something along those lines. Even if it comes from you there may be more willingness to use it if he has the opportunity to try it out/figure it out on his own?

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      3. What a great idea. Yes, he does have a relationship with my kids. He moved from Snohomish to Palm Springs while they were on the swim team and in middle school or high school. He never missed a meet.

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  10. I like your perspective on aging, Deb – honest, heartfelt, empathetic and yes, a humorous and self deprecating one. It’s all about perspective and context isn’t it, like being the youngest one in that room! 😆 I do have tremendous empathy for the woman with the hearing problem. Reminds me of my mother and how we practically have to scream at her just to have any progress. Aging can be quite scary and lonely and I hope we all find the supports that we need during these later chapters in our lives.

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    1. Well, more than likely we are all going to get older so it seems important to be honest about what is coming, and laugh as well if possible in some cases 😉

      People have such individualized reactions to the aging process and I know families often struggle with what or how to manage things. I wish more people would talk openly about the changes and make plans before they run into those really hard situations. I’m sure it’s disturbing for you Ab, to find yourself shouting at Ma knowing that perhaps it could be so much easier and a lot more pleasant.

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  11. Once when I was a teenager waiting in my clunker at a red light, a stooped little old lady began crossing the four lane road. Her bag of groceries broke and I didn’t get out of my car to help. I never forgave myself. I’ve been trying to make up for it ever since and am grateful for every senior that permits me to help them.

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  15. This was a very interesting and enlightening post, Deb. I read it twice and then all the comments. As you know, I live in a building for over 55 only. There are a few in that beginning category. (maybe 1) 🙂 My son actually qualifies to live here. 🙂 Our oldest resident is 95 and her daughter lives directly across the hall. I see so much here that it just boggles the mind. I could write a whole book about what’s happening to so many here. The woman you wanted to help reminded me of something I read by Caroline Myss. She talked about people who went on and on about every affliction they had to total strangers. She called it woundology. If someone asks a random question like how are you, they break into monologue. If you mention you have something similar, they will one up you. Taught me to be mindful of how I speak about what has happened in my life. None of my difficulties are truly age related. I’m just older with some debilitation. I can joke that I’m the only terminal patient that the pulmonary or cancer center here has seen that takes no medication. It baffles them. But I understand all too well what the aging population is going through. I had my son ride with me again to make sure I was up to the task of driving certain distances safely but on longer trips, I gratefully and gracefully, accept help. I’ve hired someone to vacuum and mop because I can no longer see where the dirt is or wrangle the vacuum and the canulla at the same time. It’s a circus act. In this building we try to keep an eye on each other as much as we can. I have let the daughter of one resident know her mom has lost a good chunk of cognition and memory over the last 1 1/2 year here. It helps her daughter to get ready for what’s ahead. The resident herself sees the changes and willingly gave up her car. She’s healthy in every other way for an 86 year old woman. I feel so much older than my 75 years but it was started by the Bells Palsy at 62. I was a white tornado until that took me down. Damaged hearing so I have to watch how loud I speak. Also, the acoustics in the Senior Center where we have lunch are so horrible, that everyone is speaking too loud and no one can hear anything. They want us to be social but it’s just not an accommodating situation. Some of us are happy to do as much as possible for ourselves while a few prefer to give in to their infirmities. I’m going for balance on that one. I’m grateful to wake up each morning so the rest is just an inconvenience. The health care system isn’t geared up for what they are facing. Each person handles this differently. You walk and hike and stay active while managing your stress. I found the latter was my downfall. I think you will age quite well. I don’t think it was your place to intervene. It was the staffs job to set up a more private area for questions and answers. Let’s hope that episode opened their eyes. Sometimes, you just can’t help. I very often took someone with me to do my talking for me because my speech is often hard to understand. I know where I need assistance and accept it. I’m lucky like you, I have great kids.

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    1. So glad you alerted me to this missing comment Marlene! It is so important to hear from the standpoint of someone who really knows what aging means in respect to our healthcare system. Starting backwards here I am in total agreement that the office I mentioned truly needs to make adjustments to their way of welcoming patients. It’s a huge room, with many fixed areas, but there are computers unused and spaces that could be altered to provide greater levels of privacy for patients. I’m sure there are hoops they have to go through though being part of a big medical system but someone needs to push a work order through!!

      You have such a unique background and now daily interactions with people in all stages of aging and related ups and downs. There is such diversity in outlook, attitude and ability yet the older we get the more society tends to lump us all together and place the same expectations on everyone, or just shove folks into corners and hand them pills. It takes a strong person to speak up for themselves and to know what they need…or don’t need. You know I admire you in so many ways and I love your insight into all sorts of topics but the aging one hits home and your knowledge and POV is invaluable!

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  16. Well said, Deb. As one of the ‘aging’ population I’m so grateful that I can still get about and do things without help, but I’m sure there will come a time when I will eventually need to ask someone to lend a hand. I hope that person will have read your post.

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    1. Thank you Sue! I have this idea, that in practices that have been formulated to serve mostly aging people that health systems should have in place the things they need to serve these folks with dignity, along with a designated staff member(s) who can intervene one on one. Aging healthcare is a mess!

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  17. I had no idea that internal medicine is the “new euphemism” for geriatric care so thanks for educating me. When I next have to look for a new doctor I’ll know I can probably include this specialty when filtering my search.

    I found out “the hard way” that orthopedic surgeon is now the catch all specialty for an orthopedist. The hard way was also the scary way when I was looking for someone to work with me when I started having foot and leg pain which turned out to be referred pains from my arthritic hip. At that time the idea of going directly to a surgeon implied that surgery was the only possible fix.

    Even though this turned out to be the case, after a lot of other searching to try to avoid this outcome, the very idea of needing to have surgery was a very scary one to me. This was based mainly on my grandmother’s hip replacement, performed by Kaiser in California many years ago, that left her with a stiff leg. Even though Kaiser and this surgery have both improved since then, come to think of it, my result was not all I had hoped for, either! I guess that’s why surgery is to be avoided if at all possible.

    I have recently become a driver for Meals on Wheels and other senior services, though I am now classified as a senior myself. I know I’m grateful that I don’t need this service for myself, at least not yet, and that I can make this small contribution to the quality of life of some of my fellow seniors!

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    1. There’s a whole lot to keep abreast of when it comes to healthcare so being inside of the process was a huge help when I was working. I still research everything though and always will and I’m not afraid to say no, or suggest alternatives with my PCP.

      I love that you are giving back, and so many seniors are doing the same for their cohorts. The connection part is huge as well. I would be a volunteer advocate for seniors in healthcare settings in a heartbeat, but with privacy laws and such that will never fly with any healthcare system as they exist now.

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