Gratitude versus Greed

Posted on by Wynne Leon

Nine years ago tomorrow my 79-year-old dad got on a bike to get a little exercise, was three blocks from home when he collided with a car, suffered blunt force trauma to his neck, and then died almost instantly.

There have been many times I’ve wanted to change the reality of that description above. Sometimes because I want a less traumatic death for him and the others involved, but it’s usually because I want more.

I want one more hug.

One more conversation.

One more reassurance that he loves me.

One moment where he held my children.

Sometimes I want all of the above so much that when I see a public figure that is 80-years-old+ behaving badly on the news, I swear to myself, “Sheesh, that person gets more years on the planet than my dad?”

About three weeks after my dad died, I went to a meditation class to try to sit with this tidal wave of emotion and my teacher, Deirdre, had this wonderful meditation on greed versus gratitude. She’d prepared it in light of the coming holiday season, but it works for my feelings of grief as well.

If you picture all the things you want, and bring on that feeling of need to have, there’s a visceral pull in the gut. At least for me, there’s an anxious urgency that takes over the moment.

And then if you take a deep breath (or eight or eighteen) and move to picture the things you are grateful for, a different tone enters – slower, warmer, more open. For me, it melts away the tight, gripping need that rides just below my conscious awareness and comes with want and greed.

I’m grateful that he was my dad.

I’m so glad for all the deep conversations that we had.

I couldn’t be luckier that there wasn’t anything left unsaid between us.

I’m glad he didn’t suffer a long and painful death.

I’m so grateful he was known to the world for 79 years.

The point that I took away from the meditation was that we can’t feel greed and gratitude at the same time. The warm, slowness of gratitude can push away that greedy urgency over and over again.

For a related post about the nearness of my father, please see my personal blog: With Me Everywhere.

I recently read a marvelous post from the amazing Julia Preston about two other feelings that can’t coexist – fear and love. Please read: Love or Fear: That is The Question!

(featured photo from Pexels)

54 thoughts on “Gratitude versus Greed”

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  5. I love how you approached all of this, in memory of your father who was a force of nature. He must be guiding you with wisdom, still. Evidence? This – your insight about how to pivot toward abundance: “…a different tone enters – slower, warmer, more open. For me, it melts away the tight, gripping need that rides just below my conscious awareness”. Seeing things anew, with love. The Dick Leon way. xo, dear one. xo! 💕

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  7. Beautifully written and thought provoking post Wynne. I have to honestly wonder, at just 3 weeks after losing your dad, if I would see wanting more time with dad as greed? That is so soon to try to make sense of so many overwhelming feelings and emotions. I fully understand using Deidre’s meditation to focus on gratitude surrounding your dad, to remember the kind, compassionate man he was to so many, but I also think it’s totally normal to have all the other needs and wants and none of those are greedy at that time. I still want more time with my dad and it’s been nearly 30 years.

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    1. Good point, Deb. I still want more time with my dad too. Maybe it helped that Deirdre wasn’t aiming this about grief but I found it really helpful in that time that was so shocking to help me from getting carried away with all the emotions that were flooding me. I could open up, slow down and breathe for a moment and it helped. Does that make any sense?

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      1. It absolutely makes sense! You took what seemed appropriate for you in those moments and if it helped you then that’s what mattered most. My thoughts were coming from that standpoint that wants to focus on grief being done “right” which is arbitrary at best and never considers how individuals process those emotions. She, probably unknowingly, opened a door for you which you wisely stepped through.

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  8. I had a similar thought to Deb. I think it’s a natural part of the grieving process to wish for more time with our loved one, but I suspect that’s part of processing more so than greed. Yet, I still really appreciate the takeaway: we can’t feel greed and gratitude at the same time. That really strikes a chord with me because on my journey, the “anxious urgency” to get well, I think inhibited progress, and it was only when I refocused my thoughts and energy in the direction of gratitude that I began actually making strides forward with my health. Such a powerful and timely post, Wynne–thank you!

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    1. Thank you, Erin. Yes, I think wanting more is a natural part of grieving and also missing someone. What I resonate most with what you say is that the tightness of anxious urgency blocks us in getting well – on many levels. I still miss my dad and feel the “want” but when I handle it with the slow, openness of gratitude, it feels less like it’ll break me.

      Thank you for extending the meditation further. It helps so much to see how this applies across life! Happy Monday!

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  12. I had many of the same feelings about my father, Wynne. He has been gone 23 years, but as time has gone on, the overwhelming power of them has receded some. The best we can do with such fathers is to live as full a life as they wished for us. That and the gratitude you mention is what we are allowed by the nature of things.

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  14. Isn’t it interesting when two people can see the same set of circumstances in contradictory ways? For example, what about the cancer patient that understandably feels angry and sad, while someone else can be grateful for the time to bring needed closure with those in their lives? It’s a good reminder why we should never judge others.

    I’m glad your dad was such a powerful and positive influence in your life.

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  15. I will need to try this greed vs gratitude meditation one day, Wynne. It sounds so uplifting knowing you can push away one emotion with the other.

    Your dad sounds wonderful and while we all wish for just another hug, another conversation, I’m glad there are no words left insaid.

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  16. If you became an “orphan” after your father passed, you may have had feelings of abandonment on top of everything else. Your dad was 79, riding a bike, and enjoying life. Praise the Lord for his youthful heart when he passed. 🙂

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    1. Ah, what an astute comment, Nancy. Fortunately, I still have my mom so I’m not yet an “orphan” but I relate to what you are saying. And you’re right – Praise the Lord for my dad and his spirit. Thank you so much for this gift of a comment!

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  17. Beautiful, Wynne. This reminds me of a quote from Oprah Winfrey, “Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” Your dad is still with you, always. Sending you a big hug as you remember your dad today.

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  18. Oh, my heart! Such gratitude, to have touched all the beauty in this post. Since you wrote it yesterday and then indicated tomorrow as the anniversary: May his memory, this anniversary, continue to be a blessing. ❤

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  22. Yes, Wynne this is so very wonderful – “The point that I took away from the meditation was that we can’t feel greed and gratitude at the same time. The warm, slowness of gratitude can push away that greedy urgency over and over again.”

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  24. Pingback: Gratitude versus Greed – SHERIFF.DAVID.CLARKE

  25. “I couldn’t be luckier that there wasn’t anything left unsaid between us.” This is such an amazing gift. This is important to me too. We were visiting with my mom recently and had left. I was five minutes into my drive home when I turned around and went back. It bothered me that I hadn’t been quite in the present when my mom and I said our goodbyes. If anything happened to her, I didn’t want me to be wishing I had given her a bigger hug. I’m pretty sure my mom thought I was crazy, but I was glad we went back!!!!

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