Searching for the Sweet Spot

Posted on by Victoria

No, my candy-loving compadres, this is not a post about my love of sweets. Although…a sweet memory popped up just now and I’m resisting the urge to bail on this post and raid the candy cupboard…

No…not gonna do it…not gonna DO it. Thank you, Dana Carvey, for planting that twangy-phrase in my head forevermore. You and your impression of George H.W. Bush. Sorry for the detour but that 2-minute clip of Dana Carvey made me smile. Maybe you, too? 😉

I had a wacky day recently where I bounced from remote meetings whilst in my jammies and then I needed to hustle to a coffee meet-up followed by a lunch date and an early dinner. The common denominators? Connecting.

A former student and a client both sought support around job search issues and letters of recommendation. Love that! And the coffee chat was a long overdue check-in with a dear colleague with whom I’d lost touch. Lunch? A mentor who deserves credit (hmmm…or blame?) for keeping me in place when the going got tough in a job long, long ago. Dinner? Yep. It was delish, but if not for the cappuccino which followed the meal, I would’ve needed an Uber to get safely home. I was toast!

I fear I’ve now lost you because all of this probably sounds like a whiny rant from a dufus who can’t manage her own schedule. It wasn’t about the WHO or the WHAT. It was all about the how much…from an intensity point of view. 

Every encounter was a delight, but scheduling compression gets me into trouble. On my best days, I’ve been told I’m an awesome listener – able to detect nuances that are unspoken as I lean in, putting a premium on paying close attention. Sometimes it’s what isn’t said that captivates and although I’ve learned (mostly) not to offer unsolicited input or insight, when a request comes, it’s a rarity if I have nothing to say.

To know me is to love me? ❤

But there’s more here than this self-congratulatory comment. My daily dance between introversion and extroversion is less of an ethereal waltz and more of a barn-stomping hootenanny.

Note to self…even when it seems possible – calendar-wise – I need to give myself a beat to consider the impact of stacked commitments.  It’s not JUST about my use of time.  It’s about energy and the rebooting that needs to occur for me to be my best. This isn’t a new observation, but perhaps it’s an example of how I need to mind the cues when my body tells me a shift is in order.

If any of the dear ones who were part of the whirlwind day are reading? Nope. It’s not you. It’s me. I loved every moment and I’d do it all again…but maybe without back-to-back-to-back-to-back interaction.

Here comes my revelation. Susan Cain’s book, “Quiet” debuted in 2012 and initially, it was a tough read. The smarty-pants side of me who taught students and clients for years about their Jungian preferences using the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) figured she knew plenty about introversion. I know myself – I have the capacity for (just as you do) both introversion and extroversion but one might be more natural, while the other could zap your energy a bit. It’s all situational and a matter of degrees. Personalities are like that – fluid and dynamic.

I was never surprised to learn my MBTI type could swing like a pendulum on the I-E scale, depending upon the task at hand and what it required. Sometimes “Vicki intro” was in charge, sometimes “Vicki extro”. Dueling duality.

When I re-read Cain’s “Quiet” recently, I realized how much I benefit from a refresh, even when I think I know stuff. Here’s what I mean:

“Once you understand introversion and extroversion as preferences for certain levels of stimulation, you can begin consciously trying to situate yourself in environments favorable to your own personality – neither overstimulating nor understimulating, neither boring nor anxiety-making. You can organize your life in terms of what personality psychologists call ‘optimal levels of arousal’ and what I call ‘sweet spots’, and by doing so feel more energetic and alive than before.”

-Quiet, p. 124

“Consciously situating”. I like that phrase because it reminds me that learning never stops. And insight? I’m grateful that it’s typically waiting for me when I get off my own merry-go-round. Sometimes the best “change” is when we circle back to what we know best. Our very own sweet spots.

-Vicki 🥰

44 thoughts on “Searching for the Sweet Spot”

  1. “Learning never stops” – truer than ever for me as I age ( and age!! 😉) Vicki. I need those quiet times more frequently too, so I’m able to access the sweet spots which often include insight. 😊

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  2. Cain’s had such a great impact on me when I read it, and I appreciate the reminder about “consciously situating” ourselves in the sweet spot. Like you, I struggle with the back-to-back-to-back interactions. They’re great… but can be so overstimulating. It’s truly empowering when we discover how to build our schedules in a way that balances, flexes, and auto-adjusts to account for our disposition and needs. It sounds like you’re a pro, Vicki!

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  4. Such a great reflection of how to best set ourselves up to receive. You are a wonderful listener and so good at being engaged. I can see why you’d need to make space to do that. And can I tell you how much I love this sentence? “My daily dance between introversion and extroversion is less of an ethereal waltz and more of a barn-stomping hootenanny.” Sooo good! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  5. What’s a combination of introvert and extrovert? A duovert? Sounds kind of like me. Also sounds kind of like ‘Do-over.” If you can’t fit in one side of you, look to the other. Maybe that’s why some of us have calendars that look like goldfish – they grow to fill up the space they are given.

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    1. Oh…you’re making me grin! Technically, the term is ‘ambivert’ but I’m a fan of your suggestion…’duovert’. You’re right…it sounds like do-over but that would also be the perfect word for ME! I’m ‘take two’ Vicki most days. xo, Michael! 🥰

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  6. I’m with you on being exhausted after too many interactions. Our busy weekend now is followed up with a busy, busy week. More engagements than I like to have. On introvert vs. extroverts, my aunt asked my mom what their dad was like and which one was he. He died of cancer at a young age. My aunt is 13 years younger than Mom and doesn’t remember much about him. My mom’s answer? “He was a regular vert.”

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    1. Oh how I adore your mom’s answer! A “regular vert”! That’s fabulous. And yes — I can imagine that you’re looking for a break in the action. Here’s hoping you find that space to breathe, dear one. Xo! 🥰

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  8. “What might have been and what has been point to one end, that is always present.” Your post reminded me of the circularity of life, especially the last portion of your post, Vicki. The above is from Eliot’s “Burnt Norton.” Thank you.

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    1. Oh how I love that poem. When I discovered Burnt Norton was an actual place, I learned I have some roots to Gloucestershire— making your reference to the poem extra meaningful. Thank you, Dr. Stein. Ahhh…Eliot. Another circularity moment! 🥰

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  11. Love this one Vicki! It speaks to verts on all levels! During the Covid lockdown, I was extremely grateful to be an intro and my heart wept for the extra’s of the world. How difficult it must have been for them! My intro self occasionally overextends itself and I have to go home and suck my thumb for a few days of recovery before I’m willing to step out again! Yep—the key to finding the sweet spot is definitely all about finding balance. Aging helps!

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  12. I love the phrase consciously situating, Vicki. I think learning to study your personality type and determine where you are on the introversion and extroversion scale is wise. And finding that balance and space to give yourself quiet is so so important. 🙏

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    1. Thanks, Ab. I really like it too – that phrase – and it’s such a good reminder to me to re-read books that I’ve liked but sometimes zoom through too quickly. And I agree – finding balance is the key – without regret or apology – whatever works for us. Sending hugs to you! 🥰

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  13. Lots of benefit in circling the horses for old friends and activities that give us joy. I feel like I’ve got more appreciation for my long-time friends than ever before. I often wonder if this is because I try not to take anything for granted anymore. Perhaps that’s simply a symptom of getting older.

    Thanks also for the Dana Carvey/George Bush reference. I hadn’t thought of that in years, but that was hilarious.

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  15. Hey Vicki,
    Learned extrovert aka ambivert here. Glad you had a wonderful day of connection! As you said, it’s always important to relax, refresh and re-fuel! So you can do it all over again! As the years tick by, I’m learning to appreciate my body’s demand that I give it a little extra time to get thru my day-to-day and those days that require extra from me. Otherwise, cranky me makes an appearance and must be put in time out! Please don’t tell, but sometimes, there’s no place I’d rather be than in time out! Have a great rest of your week! Always great when you find that sweet spot! 😉 Mona

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    1. Oh, Mona! I love your point about enjoying a good “time out”! You delight me with your honesty! We’ll both try to shield the universe from our cranky sides with good old self-awareness. I love it! Xo! 🥰

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    1. I can only imagine…I think you have to summon up the energy for ‘performance mode’ — it’s an expectation, right? And thanks for chuckling with me. Appreciate you – always! 🥰

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