Choice with a Side of Grace

Posted on by Wynne Leon

Lately, I’ve been waking up from dreams of long-ago scenes. Places I’ve lived, boyfriends I’ve loved, scenarios that are dusty but familiar. They are neither stressful nor packed with similarity between them. They are like opening a drawer of old photos and picking out a few.

Perhaps I’ve dredged up these memories because I’ve been thinking about my roots. Specifically, the good and the bad of my family. I rolled that out there like I could sum it up in one sentence. Maybe I can – at least in one regard.

My family believes in the power of choice.

It’s a beautiful thing. I can wax very poetically and enthusiastically about the power choice, especially when it comes to choosing to have kids as a single person. It is my super-power, the thing I remember when I’m tired or overwhelmed. This the life I chose. Aren’t I lucky?

That thought alone will get me through taking care of two kids even when I feel sick or we have a weekend full of birthday parties at the bouncy house place.

The downside? The accompanying belief that if someone chooses something, they can handle the consequences all by themselves. And on the part of the chooser, the refusal to ask for help because it was the result of a choice.

This happens a lot with my mom and me. For example, my mom has chosen to limit her time with my kids. She loves them dearly but she doesn’t want to be a caregiver at this stage in life. All good because well, I chose to have kids, and I can handle it.

Until she expresses that she’d like to see more of me, but without the kids. What? Even when I hang out with my friends, it’s almost always with the kids. It’s not like I have abundant discretionary free time in this phase of life. And she’s chosen to spend less time with us so what do you expect? Can you feel my hackles up just reading this?

One of us needs to do better.

The trick my meditation teacher taught me to imagine someone who is rubbing me the wrong way is returning from the vet after putting down their dog or as someone else’s parent doesn’t work here. Because she is my parent.

But I can swap the story and think how I want Miss O to treat me when she’s all grown up. Amazing what a softener that is. The power of choice is great – but it needs to come with a side of grace.

56 thoughts on “Choice with a Side of Grace”

  2. You’re right. Grace is what we all need to make better choices. Do you know why your Mom is reluctant to want to spend time with you and your kids? That seems unusual to me, most grandparents want to be involved. However ’tis her choice, eh?

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  3. That’s a good mental flip your meditation teacher taught you. I thought you were going to say, “think of rubbing a cat’s fur the wrong way and how that disturbs them.” If we see how even animals respond to someone stroking them the wrong way, we can acknowledge our own feelings about such things and ask others no to treat us in such a way, or leave until they can treat us well (as everyone learns differently and some sooner or later).

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  4. Interesting how sometimes if we give someone what they want, it turns out that they don’t like what they asked for. Grace indeed. And conversation? That depends on who we are talking to. Good luck with this, Wynne.

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  5. I think needing help is just part of being human. No matter what path we go down, at some point we are likely to need help, whether we chose that path or not; whether the path is easy or hard. Helping/getting help fosters connections between people that we all need, even if it isn’t always a picnic getting through it.

    Our elementary school report cards had a little section for personal characteristics and one of them was “asks for help when needed”. I remember reading it every time report cards came out. It was a good reminder that asking for help is important.

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  6. What an interesting question from your mom…wanting to see more of you solo. I love how direct she is and how forthcoming you are about your feelings. Sounds like you’ve been busy in your dreams – maybe there’s insight waiting that will make the choices ahead clearer? Your point about grace and seeing as many sides as possible is so good. Thank you, Wynne. 💕💕💕

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  7. This really hit home for me. I am struggling with relationship when it comes with my adult daughters (so reversed to you). Before illness, I was very involved with the grandkids. After illness, I no longer have the strength and energy to be there the same. My daughters blame me, and have withdrawn. Now I only see them or hear from them when they have no other options for child care. It’s been my greatest loss. Mother and daughter relationships are so complicated.

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    2. Oh, that’s so hard, VJ. You’re right mother/daughter relationships are hard. And so is this period when we are at opposite ends of the spectrum of available time. I hope you all find a way to reconnect in some way that works for all! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  9. As already commented on here a mother-daughter relationship can be extremely complicated. Your thought provoking post is making me think of my relationship with daughter who has recently adopted a 5 year old, who is a delight and full-on. She has a 27 year old daughter, my granddaughter, with whom I had a lot to do with and with whom I’m very close. I really notice the difference in my energy levels (I’m mid 70’s) and soon I tire and have had enough of small child activities. But I still want to see my daughter. We do get out for occasional cocktails and a natter – just the two of us – and it’s lovely, nourishing and refuelling. Due to her commitments and time limits we don’t manage it as much as I would like but it keeps the old fires burning. It seems as though you and your Mum know one another well and you talk to one another but have you told her how you really feel? There may be a way, between both your needs and commitments to make it work for both of you.
    Your post brought stuff up for me Wynne. If it’s not helpful just ignore me 🙂

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  10. You probably speak of your mother in a caring way with your children. Kids may model their relationship with their adult parent/parents according to what they experience. You’re probably right that your mom may be a bit burned out. Hopefully, she’ll eventually soften. Who can resist all that love for very long? 🙂

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  12. I treasure time with my three grandsons and enjoy watching them for several hours or even a day if needed. However, I also love reconnecting with each daughter on our own and discussing their lives, feelings and plans without the adorable but distracting presence of the Littles.

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      1. I also forgot to mention that my daughters sometimes want to discuss their relationships/marriages, their children or other sensitive topics not for little ears. Or I want to talk to them about adult topics that would upset the young ones.

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  13. I loved this: “The power of choice is great – but it needs to come with a side of grace.” I can understand how you must feel. It’s fine she doesn’t want to be a caretaker, but to spend time alone with you — without kids seems odd. I have difficulty spending time with my dad because of his choices. It was a real effort to visit for his 92nd birthday. If not for the funeral the next day, I would have skipped it. Then I wondered if my kids will feel that way about me? I asked them and they said of course not. But then I did not choose to be a serial philanderer and have three divorces. 😊

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    1. How interesting about your dad’s choices and what results they cause. And there’s no doubt you have created great relationships with your kids. I love hearing everyone’s perspective on this!

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      1. My dad, unlike yours, has impulse issues and has always been self centered. I realize that I experience anxiety before visiting him. He left WA to move by me in So Cal about 15 years ago. I think he was shocked that we moved away. The good news is he lives alone and is mentally capable.

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  14. There’s a lot here Wynne and I hesitate to jump in with my own story or advice- both of which I am prone to doing. It’s that mom thing I guess. Let me try this- I was a caretaker for the grands for lots of years. I was a teacher for the grands for a few years. I loved parts of both. I was worn out by parts of both. None of that changed the love I have for the girls or my daughter. My 3 kids are all individuals and at this stage in my life I value who they are and want to know them not just as my “kids” but as adults separate from myself. Actually that has become quite important to me and doing that with my oldest (since she is the only one with children) sometimes means voicing a desire to have one on one time with her.

    Luckily the grands are old enough that they can be alone for a bit of time so we can do that. Clearly O & D are not ready for that and that adds conflict for you. I relish the time oldest and I get now, and had to put my desires aside for awhile, making this reward of mom/daughter time even more special. I would hope your mom might understand this as well. I wonder if a gentle nudge on your part, an honest and loving statement from you regarding expectations and life stage perhaps… I might also wonder if, given her age there is some fear involved…a feeling of importance for her that your relationship take this more adult turn now rather than waiting too long??

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    1. Oh, oh, oh – there’s so much rich goodness here, Deb. Thank you for adding your experience.

      I’d have to say that my mom and I had a great chance to have that adult relationship before I had kids (since I waited until 46). You’re right that there might be some fear there which might be causing a blind spot in her realizing that the only time I can make right now is to hire a babysitter in order to meet her request.

      Thanks for inspiring me to dig deeper, Deb!

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  15. Gosh, that’s such a shame that your mom is opposed to spending time with you and your kids. As a grandmother myself, I understand the feeling of not wanting to be inadvertently put into a parental role with your grandkids, but it seems that she ought to have some grace here and be willing to spend time with not just you but the three of you together.

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  16. that’s a really tough one, and I recently decided to give my brother grace. we’ve had a challenging relationship at times due to his not having a great ability to see how he impacts others. the first time I tried the grace approach, it blew up in about 15 minutes. it’s a work in progress. I feel for you

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  17. Oh my hackles have been raised!! My protective gene is upset for you. My gut says “if you want some of me, then you get all of me, including the loves of my life, your loss!” When I take a step back, I’m probably a little more understanding. Maybe it’s a deeper conversation. Or even a dinner out with her …. But also a clear reminder that “I love my kids and there’s room for you too.” Hopefully she’ll soften. Yes, the kids were a choice, a decision, but now they are family, we always make room for family. My two silly cents!

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    1. I like your two cents. It helps solidify one of the reasons that what my mom wants feels hard. It feels like exclusion. But you’re right – a deeper conversation is warranted. Thanks for seeing me, Brian!

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  18. I find it genuinely interesting your mom wants to see more of you without the kids. Usually it’s the other way around – we’re just the chauffeurs for the grandkids! 😆

    But I hear you on choice. It is incredibly liberating to say that we chose a certain way of life. But on the flip side, we are also the ones most accountable for our decisions.

    Grace and kindness are so important as life is never black and white.

    I bet Miss O will surprise you one day when you’re in your mom’s shoes!

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    1. I love your astute comment that “Grace and kindness are so important as life is never black and white.” Right! And I’m smiling about Miss O surprising me one day. You are so good at adding perspective, Ab! Thank you!

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  19. Excellent post, Wynne. The best part of my life is envisioning what it will be like to be a grandparent in four months. My only regret is that my son and daughter-in-law live nearly 2,000 miles away. Oh well, I’m not going there. I feel too blessed to focus on the negative.

    It’s impossible to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes because we do not know what they’re going through. I try and remind myself of that all the time.

    Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. We all need to admit that sometimes we can be givers and other times we need to be receivers.

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  21. As a grandmother the same age as your mom, I can understand her position. When my grandchildren were the ages of your two, I was in my mid-50’s, working full time, and still had enough energy left to enjoy time with little people. Energy fades with aging. I love and adore my daughter and I really, really appreciate alone time with her, which is a rare event indeed. She often comes accompanied by one or a few of my three grown granddaughters and significant others, all of whom I also love and adore. Still—there is absolutely nothing that can make this mom’s heart happier than a bit of quality time spent alone together my only child. There are moments when I do wish that she would enjoy spending as much time with me as she does with her own children. I will say, however, that I see and hear more from her and my grandchildren now that they know I’m dealing with a serious health issue. In fact, my Christmas present from the oldest was the promise of a visit from her every three weeks. There is no greater gift than time. There are blessings in all things, great and small. You will find a blessing in this too, Wynne. I have faith in you, and in the wisdom and grace by which you live. You’ll work it out in time. With much love, prayers and support to you from this aged mom of one.

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    1. I love hearing this perspective from you, dear Julia. It helps to see this from another point of view. And I love hearing that your family is holding you close as you deal with your health. Sending all my love to you too!! ❤ ❤ ❤

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