Think Before You Speak

Posted on by Wynne Leon

Yesterday, my daughter, nine-year-old Miss O said something that provoked her five-year-old brother. But I wasn’t intentional. So when everything quieted down I said to her, “It really helps when you think before you speak.”

She turned to me incredulously and said, “Every time??”

I had to giggle at that one. It’s a hard practice, isn’t it?

Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates. At the first gate, ask yourself, “Is it true?” At the second gate ask, “Is it necessary?” At the third gate ask, “Is it kind?” — Rumi

Three gates at the very least. Most wisdom traditions add at least one more – is it timely?

I definitely haven’t come close to thinking before I speak every time. But I have figured out a few categories and situations where I have stumbled enough to know extra caution is warranted.

When I’m tired. I see, feel, and experience things differently when my energy is depleted. I’ve learned try not to offer criticism or advice when I’m tired because I wouldn’t say the same thing if I was at full energy.

And when I’m really tired? I try to even keep my facial expressions to myself. The other night, Miss O was bouncing around while brushing her teeth and it was getting on my last nerve. I was washing my face and just buried it in a towel for a moment until I could pull it together.

When my ego has been triggered. I write that as if there are times when my ego isn’t triggered. Let’s just say there are times when I feel it more acutely – when I’m feeling competitive, envious, self-conscious, and defensive to name a few. There’s nothing more dangerous than when my ego gets a hold of my tongue.

At work, when “I” want to claim a victory instead of giving credit to the whole team, it’s my warning sign to shut up. Whether or not it was my idea or effort is rarely makes a difference in the long run.

When I’m wounded. This one is a tricky one for me. Because my default is to clam up when I’m hurt. So I have to navigate trying to express my feelings without going down the rabbit hole of finger pointing, overstepping my responsibility, or never quite getting to the point.

More than a dozen years ago I was in the last stages of my marriage. My husband’s infidelities had come to light and we were trying to see if there was anything to salvage. There were so many wounds it was like a minefield. Very little made it through Rumi’s gates. The best I could do was say, “Ouch” when a passing remark hit too close. Not surprisingly, we didn’t make it.

Fortunately, Miss O isn’t watching the election news closely enough to notice that there are some politicians that don’t seem to ever think before they talk. And yes, I did think twice before stepping a toe into politics but figured we’ve all probably thought that a time or two.

So, here’s to practicing thinking before we speak nearly every time. 🙂

(featured photo from Pexels)

41 thoughts on “Think Before You Speak”

  1. an excellent post. when i am feeling weak, (tired, nothing working as planned, disappointed, ignored) or take things too personally, is when i sometimes speak without really thinking it out. i have always tried to teach my young classes to use the 3 gates, before saying something they’re not sure if they should say or not, and i need to remind myself to do this when i’m not feeling at my best.

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      1. It takes a ton of practice, and even if they can put it through one of those tests, sometimes that helps. We tell them to see how it feels inside your stomach and your heart and if something doesn’t feel right to ask us and will help them to see if it’s the right thing to say or do.

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  3. Wynne, I laughed on the subway ride to work as I read this. The world would be a whole lot quieter if we all thought before we spoke. 😂

    I agree the hardest times to do so are when we’re tired and at our wits end or wounded, be it ego or other forms of hurt. For me, I’d also add if it’s related to a topic that triggers me.

    I’m a work in progress on this too and have to remind myself the kids are always watching us. Booooo… 🙏😆

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  4. Oh my goodness. Miss O delights me with her one-liners. “Every time?” I’ll admit I agree with her. It’s hard to do when our brains are on fire with so much bubbling and bouncing. The thought of slowing down…jeepers. But truly – thank you for a wonderful reminder of a post. Words wound and the opportunity to apologize, contextualize may never arrive, even if the insight shows up after the fact. Choose wisely the first time around. Lessons hard learned and I’m still working on zipping up. 💕

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    1. Isn’t she funny? You put it so perfectly – “when our brains are on fire with so much bubbling and bouncing.” Right!! It is hard to slow down but you’ve laid out the benefits well, my wise friend!! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  6. Oh goodness yes, we all do it. I’ve learned so much from using the gates. My younger self would not have even attempted to process it. I would’ve rocked the gates off their hinges. 🤣
    But wow how we change. And even that ego thing. Life is truly beautiful when we let go of it. Great post Wynne.

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  7. Yep, this is all to relatable. When tired or feeling a the ego’s feeling a little bruised, it can be so hard to stop and think about the words we’re about to speak. This is always a welcomed reminder!

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  9. Sometimes I add a fifth gate – is anybody listening? That’s one that I should probably always leave open, still too often I stop myself when I think those words will fall on deaf ears and I wonder if they are worth the breath and energy. Often they still need to be said and quite often what is said does get heard. Maybe I’ve gotten too old to imagine I’d make a difference.

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  13. I think my gate hinges may need some WD40 or something…

    Also, with the way my adhd brain works, sometimes the speaking has happened before the thinking has a chance!

    Maybe that part of why I get so much out of writing. It’s *way* easier to be intentional with my words, and it allows my brain to slow down enough to make some sense of what I’m actually thinking and wanting to communicate. Even so, sometimes that can take days!

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  14. You have offered some wonderful advice here, Wynne. What we say and whether we say it, as I wrote about in relation to breakups a few days ago, is desperately important in all the ways you describe.

    As to politics, if two individuals can approach their differences from the stand point of humility and respect, we have at least gotten one step closer to communicating and maintaining a human connection. Awfully hard to do. Thanks for this post.

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    1. You wrote so beautifully about learning to be kind in the breakup process. What an incredible example of thinking before speaking – in a touch situation! And you are so right about politics – humility and respect would be wonderful. Thanks, Dr. Stein!

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  16. Every time?🤣 I miss laughing at the unfiltered comments that kids say.

    Being aware of what triggers us is half the battle. It’s always smart to take a beat, a minute, an hour, or a day before responding. When we’re upset about something else, our frustration can be directed at someone who has nothing to do with it. I used to see that with kids anger at school all the time and learned not to take outbursts personally.

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  17. Oh geez—you’re singing my song! What I have learned is to observe and keep my mouth shut until I’ve had a chance to sleep on it, mull it, consider various ways to deal with it (and myself)—and once I’ve found some peace and clarity, then I can go back and have a conversation rather than a confrontation. You’re a great self-observer, Wynne!

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  18. Some really great advice here Wynne 🙏🏼
    The extent to which I want to lose my ‘reactive’ spontaneity is always open for consideration but yes, it’s hard!
    It’s a daily learning experience for me. 😊

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  20. not everyone thinks before they speak, and I genuinely think it’s easier said than done. Words can hurt- we must be kind. Words can also misinform – let’s not spread fake news. Kids express emotions and words in their most raw forms, but this can sometimes hurt. As adults, we learn to censor what we say, if rude or inappropriate, but in doing so, we hide our real thoughts…. Hm. Loved the post!

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