Hello everyone! I’m getting a late start as one of the contributors to The Heart of The Matter. I truly appreciate how the other writers here have given so graciously of their time so that I could take a mini vacation before my first post. I had some other thoughts in mind for this first post actually, but those really aren’t as important right now as sharing a bit about my vacation and a few lessons I learned.
I was in Colorado, spending a long weekend with my daughter and her husband. The last time we saw each other in person was about 3 1/2 months ago. During that short visit she, and then partner, suddenly announced to the family that her partner was now officially her husband. There is a great deal to this story prior to that, however the point is that we, her family, were totally taken by surprise. Shock is not a strong enough word.
“There is a feeling of disbelief that comes over you, that takes over, and you kind of go through the motions. You do what you’re supposed to do, but in fact you’re not there at all.
Frederick Barthelme, Elroy Nights
That quote is a perfect summation of my response. On top of disbelief I would add hurt, guarded happiness, and even some anger. I could not let her (them) leave without sitting down one-to-one to try to make sense of the news. Honestly, this felt like a betrayal and that’s a really strong word to use about a choice that one of your most favorite people in the world decides to make.
So we talked, and I understood most of the whys. I think she especially began to understand some of my responses. Then they had to leave. I started to make plans right away to visit them sooner rather than later. I remember thinking that I wanted to sit with her again, talk about these decisions more. Even though we talked regularly over these last few months, I’ve never brought up that goodbye conversation and yes, I was afraid.
Yet, the moment she pulled up in her car outside the Denver airport, a huge smile of welcome on her face- so big I couldn’t miss it through her car window- I think the remaining emotions that I was trying to hang onto just left. We hugged for a long time and then immediately started talking, catching up on daily life just like we always do. And it felt natural, not forced or awkward. I really think that is what I had feared since our goodbye in September. Would we be *different* with each other?
I chose to let the weekend play out even though I had a number of opportunities to sit with her alone, or both as a couple, and dredge up all the old crap I had felt. Then, thankfully the light bulb went off. What reason really was there to do that? Why did any of those feelings matter now? I knew we each understood the prior choices and words we had spoken 3 months earlier.
Light bulb #2 clicked on: I didn’t feel angry or hurt or betrayed anymore. All of this was never really about me and certainly holding on to stuff wasn’t going to accomplish anything. What had seemed to be such an affront to me, her MOM, had really transformed into the realization that I let a ripple in our relationship turn into an insurmountable shock wave that had to be fixed at all costs. Admitting that 1) I am a fixer by nature, and 2) that there really was nothing that needed fixing in the first place finally allowed me to get over myself and simply trust her adult choices that weren’t going to change anyway.
I am so proud of her decision to take a new job and move to Colorado a few years ago. I trusted her then and so decisions on my part to distrust her now could have easily sent those initial shock waves into motion all over again. The bond that I have with her will always be what matters, even though I know there will probably be more ripples to come. My goal is to remember that it is my choice to control how big the ripple pattern becomes.
I encourage you to join me on my personal blog, Closer to the Edge, where I write in a very random manner on a broad range of topics, including my foibles and opinions, while moving forward through the second half of life.
The Heart of the Matter 
These insights into self give us mental clarity by showing us just how much emotional clutter we hang on to. Wonderful to read how you were able to enjoy your visit and reconnet with your ‘new’ family. Your daughter has chosen her journey, and you are still an active part in her life as this visit shows. Your bond is intact. That’s what really matters.
Congratulations on publishing your first post! Great title!
LikeLiked by 5 people
Thanks Claudette! Your reading here means a great deal to me. Emotional clutter is a perfect description and I tend to hang onto a lot. Seems really odd for someone who tosses stuff left and right when it comes to material things! Alison has always been her own person and I respect that, even when it ruffles my mom sensibilities.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I sure could relate to this one… my sister called me out of the blue around 15 years ago to announce – in icy tones – that our Mom had gotten remarried that day. I felt like I had been sucker-punched. I could barely breathe. I was so quiet, my sister thought I had hung up the phone. It took many years before Mom finally told me she did it that way because she thought we would try to talk her out of it. If I am honest, knowing the circumstances at the time, we likely would have. I did indeed eventually come to terms with it all but I remember how hurt my sister and I were. I, too, love your title. Good for you, for making a shock wave become a ripple 🙂
LikeLiked by 4 people
Oh, thank you so much Patti, for your comment! I suspect we’ve all had those sucker-punched moments and they are truly overwhelming on so many levels. I appreciate you sharing yours. Of all of my kids, Alison lives very much by her own path so taking the time to reflect helped me see she was just being true to herself. I wouldn’t want her to be any different.
LikeLiked by 2 people
🙂💕🙏
LikeLike
This is the way I feel about ‘discovering’ something life altering about your family on social media. Ugh. It always feels to me like the significance of being ‘family’ has lost its meaning. We never want to miss the important milestones in the lives of our children. The fact that your hurt feelings fell away and you steered away from a subsequent conversation shows how very much you love and care for your daughter. (Ripples can be quite beautiful, too.)
LikeLiked by 4 people
Maggie, thank you for your comment! I’ve veered away from most social media, in part because of exactly what you mention- those disturbing discoveries that come out of nowhere. You completely got the importance behind milestones and kids! After experiencing so much of my other kids plans to marry and being witness to those moments, the hurt really washed over me, but I understand Alison’s reasons. They are very much a part of who she is and that is the way she was raised. How can I not want her to be true to herself…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think we forget that we, as mothers, are still growing and learning, too. Bravo for your support and acknowledgement of your daughter’s needs and desires. I won’t say it is always easy, but in the long run their happiness is what is important.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Absolutely Maggie! Thank you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You said it perfectly…the only thing we can control is how we respond to a situation…though I understand all your feelings about the secret elopement . Is that redundant? Are all elopements secret?
LikeLiked by 4 people
Thanks LA! So glad to see you here. Yes, once I managed to step back from all the initial hurt feelings it really was about choice and keeping our relationship strong. As to secret elopements- are they all secret? Well, you know I Googled it and dictionary.com does define elopement as sudden and SECRET so there could be a bit of redundancy with that phrase 😉
LikeLiked by 2 people
😉
LikeLike
I can just imagine the sense of hurt you must have felt learning that your daughter didn’t involve you in her decision, but the imagery of that hurt melting away when you saw her smiling face made me tear up. I think it’s really a beautiful things that you were able to reach the place of acceptance, even if you didn’t fully understand or agree with the choice… and when the opportunities to drag out the baggage came up, you intentionally pushed them aside. It really shows how much you love and care for your daughter, even if you’re not always on the same page. That’s what family is all about. 💕
LikeLiked by 4 people
Thank you Erin! I actually found myself staring out the window of the plane trying not to let the strangers sitting next to me see my tears. We were on our final approach into Denver and the only thing that mattered then was seeing her. The time since September had given me a huge level of perspective on that shocking news. I can be a bit quick to react so I think the universe had been working to make sure I was ready to let the pain go and just enjoy my amazing daughter!
LikeLiked by 2 people
I appreciate what Writer of Words shared about ’emotional clutter’. Yes…the things we hang on to…and despite the shock you felt, I feel the same as LA about only having control, truly, over our own responses. That’s the wisdom you’re bringing to us, Deb — thank you! ❤❤❤
LikeLiked by 4 people
Aww…thank you Vicki, that means a lot to me! Claudette was so right in using the term ’emotional clutter’. A perfect description and something that I think will continue to be a work in progress for me. I can’t say enough about the process involved in realizing as individuals we always have the choice in how we react, what we hold onto and what we let go. I’m striving for *practice makes better* in those areas!
LikeLiked by 2 people
I love your insight — and how applicable it is for many of us! ❤️😘❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow, what a beautiful post that speaks to me about finding that balance between reaction and response. I can imagine how shocking and hurtful it must have felt to hear the news initially and I love that you sat down and talked it through. And then I love that you let your love and bond lead you through this trip to find that next level of acceptance.
A wonderful post about finding what matters! So glad you are part of this team, Deb! ❤ ❤ ❤
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you Wynne! My kids know that I have to face things head on so it’s a learning process for all of us after years and years of ignoring issues. The time in between was vital though, at least for me and I hope it gave Alison time to reflect as well. The moments I have with her are precious now, and yes- matter to me deeply.
LikeLiked by 2 people
❤ ❤ ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nice to “meet” you, Deb. I’ll look forward to reading about you and your foibles in your other blog. I’m full of them myself, and it’s always nice to know that I’m in good company! I enjoyed your first Heart blog.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you Julia! I remember as a child looking at adults as they aged and feeling instinctively that they must know everything about the world. Haha! Who knew we would continue to be a *work in progress* throughout life.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Sorry to add one more blessed thought, but I’m reading through the comments now, and isn’t that the truth?!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I wonder what happens sometimes to those who think they have no room to grow…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Me too! Shows you how much WE knew, right?! LOL.
LikeLiked by 1 person
What a beautiful and insightful post. I’m not a mother, but I agree those significant decisions our close family members make (or things that happen to them) that we discover after the event can hurt. Its very difficult to not have an emotional response to these situations. But as has been said, we can only control our own responses.
I’m so glad you have such a strong relationship with your daughter. I regret that I was never able to have that with my own mother. My bond is stronger with my mother in law – families are funny as the relationship she has with her own daughter is more tense/conflictual. I guess it also comes down to personalities, how people respond to emotional triggers.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you Brenda! I can empathize with mothers and relationships as mine with my own mom was filled with pain and trauma. As I moved into adulthood, marriage and children I vowed that they would not experience what I did. All of them are very different but I think I have found my own way with each of them, at least I hope they would think that as well. It’s wonderful that you have that mom-figure in your relationship with your MIL.
LikeLiked by 2 people
This is true wisdom: the ability to recognize and respect others’ choices, even when they would not be ours or done in the same way as we would have wanted. I think you had to work through this though; conversations with friends and family have helped you process this and come to the conclusion that the relationship with Daughter is more important than anything. We are there for our kids no matter what. I’ve been through emotional and tough things with mine too; I had to be careful of how I reacted so that not letting go of something didn’t drive a wedge between us. Glad you had such a great time!
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you! It did help to talk about this and have time to mull over all that was involved. I would say that coffee plays a huge role here 😉 I remember the initial conversation with Alison post announcement and commenting that no matter how hard those moments were for both of us that she was loved beyond measure and that would never change. I hope all the kids hold onto that, even during difficult conversations.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Beautiful post Deb. You’re not getting a late start on HoTM, you’re right on time! Love your post. It got me thinking a lot about my adult daughter and you are so right, it’s less about others, and more about controlling the things I control. When I remember that she’s an adult and a smart one at that, who I respect and admire, the trusting becomes so much easier. Of course, it helps when we have a chance to talk and work things out. Sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter. Happy for her as she starts her new life. Thanks so much for sharing.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you Brian! I guess we all are sort of in the beginning stages here aren’t we 🙂 There is really a strong *mom side* to me who still views all my kids at about 18yrs old even though they are fully accomplished adults. She is my youngest so perhaps I’m a tad bit more prone to play the mom card with her. My ex-husband was not a talker and the kids never got to see real conversations about tough things. We’re changing that moving forward, especially now that all have spouses themselves.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh Deb, I’m sitting here crying (literally). I felt your post to my bones. There’s so much to think about here… The quote and just going through the motions in those moments? Oh yes, to that… The feeling of hurt, anger, and disappointment, all mixed together? I was feeling it right along with you… Garrett is truly about as perfect a kid as I could hope for, but when he hurts my feelings, it’s unlike any other kind of hurt. It cuts deeply, and I think it’s because we love our kids so completely. But the fact you chose to address such a monumental thing right then, without letting it fester, is amazing. And the way you handled it from then on… Keeping the lines of communication open, over the months… Going back sooner instead of later.. Then the way you and your daughter greeted one another? Well, the fresh tears already sitting on my cheeks were joined by others then. And lastly, your decision to let it go. This is truly just a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing it, and for being YOU! ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
What a lovely comment Kendra, thank you so much! I think you’re correct about how we see our kids and when things go astray it can hurt deeply. I will never not tell them how I feel and then take whatever time is needed to talk through why and listen to how they feel and respond. They didn’t see that growing up as my ex was avoidant of any serious or deep conversations. They are my world and my memories of a very hurtful and traumatic childhood of my own won’t allow me to parent in the same way- even though they are adults and would likely say they don’t really need parenting anymore!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love the open communication, Deb, and also that you’ve committed to breaking the cycle of your own childhood trauma. I use the word “committed” intentionally, because that’s what it takes. And… no matter what our grown kids might say, they still need our parenting. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are very wise. You could have let your (very understandable) hurt feelings color your whole relationship with your daughter but you chose not to. Her life, her reasons. Hug her and move on. Good for you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Janis. I’m not sure how wise I am, I just know that I promised myself many years ago that I would not repeat the same mistakes I felt my own mom did throughout my childhood. My kids are so important to me, even when it’s hard to be a mom.
LikeLike