Tax season is a time to reevaluate things in my life and make changes that I find may be necessary for a better future. My financial planner is a whiz at helping me do that check-up on what’s ahead in retirement, especially if like many women in my family I live to be close to the century mark. This year, as I find myself gaining slow but steady progress toward that momentous day I had to acknowledge that this lady was front and center in my conversations. My paternal grandma, Grandma F as I have always referred to her, lived to be 98 years old. This picture is the earliest one I have of her.
When I look at pictures of my family, especially the pictures of the women, I often struggle to imagine what their lives were like. This beautiful woman was born in 1889. She looks to be a teenager perhaps and that means she may have still been living in North Carolina then. I can only imagine that it wasn’t long after this picture that she was married and headed to Washington with her new husband. She gave birth to my dad and his twin in 1920, at the age of thirty-one after birthing 4 other children.
Here I am in 1978, so easily in the same age range as grandma. Part of a senior year portrait shoot I believe. I just have to ask: Why did photographers believe that the *tilted head* image was complimentary to anyone? It would be 5 years later that I was married and 2 more before I birthed my first child.
This picture is the last formal picture I have of grandma, probably taken in the last year of her life. She passed just a few months after my first child was born. My daughter was the last great-grandchild she got to meet, even though by that time she was also a great-great grandmother to many.
Grandma F was a farm wife, twice over. I did not see her often when I was a child but these are the things I remember about her most of all.
- Grandma can only be described as a solid woman. Stocky fits nicely, and a formidable presence to a young child.
- She was a no nonsense lady. I never thought not to listen to her or to question her.
- I would visit her with my dad, always early on a Saturday morning. The greatest moments of anticipation came in knowing that grandma had been up for hours before we arrived, making the biggest breakfasts I had ever seen- eggs and sausages and homemade biscuits with her homemade jam and fruit and milk…always milk for me.
- Grandma had a *grandma house* filled with crocheted and hand sewn quilts, antimacassars on every chair, jar upon jar upon row after row of vegetables and fruits canned in her kitchen, probably with help from my aunt.
- She was not a fancy woman. The picture above is the way grandma looked when she dressed up: always a blouse and skirt- well over the knees- and a jacket. Her jacket always had a pin or broach. This was how grandma dressed on holidays. My Saturday grandma wore heavy stockings, sensible brown or black shoes, a house dress with an apron tied around her large frame. On chilly days she added a cardigan and always had a hankie tucked into her sleeve.
- When grandma disapproved of something she went silent. She never criticized because she loved her family.
- At family gatherings, like my dad and uncle’s birthday celebrations in July I could always count on grandma to bring blackberry cobbler, and always hoped that someone had remembered the vanilla ice cream. I felt like I contributed to that dessert. Dad and I would spend hours picking the blackberries found along the road near our lake property and give them to grandma to freeze, knowing we would get her cobbler in return for all our hot, dusty and hard work. Her cobblers not only oozed blackberry juice, they oozed her love for her family.
I wonder, whether you had grandparents present in your lives as children or not, what sort of image the word grandma evokes for you? My Grandma F certainly looked like my childish vision of a grandma. I was a reader as a child and any book that held stories of family life always portrayed the grandma as plump; soft around the edges; rather stooped but still formidable; a baker of delectable treats; a person who was wise, kind, caring but practical; had the best lap for reading stories, and possessed open and expansive arms for cuddling.
In coming back around to my financial discussion I came home that day and the memories of Grandma F had been stirred. What, and who would I be at 90, or 98, or ?. What do my own grandchildren see when they look at me now and who will they see in 30 years? What have I carried forward or more precisely what legacy did grandma leave for me?
Most people know that I define myself as a pragmatist. Practical and sensible and always looking at facts and logic. Emotions are often not my forte and I struggle mightily to put that part of myself out to the world. I wonder if Grandma F left those traits to me? While she expanded tenfold on most of my childhood visions of the perfect grandma she did not cuddle, she rarely showed emotions of any kind. She was stoic. I never did not feel loved by grandma and she was never aloof but my grandma held herself in check…always. As grandma aged, and I grew into adulthood she seemed to remain constant in her views, mannerisms and values. Her core never wavered. Yet she also began to show a resignation about much of her family, their way of life and their choices. I would watch her gaze at her family and see sadness in her eyes. She seemed to be very aware that no matter what she may have wished for her family their habits were ingrained. If that is true I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to hold onto the tight reins she showed to everyone.
I see a good deal of Grandma F in myself, especially that practical, rather composed and unemotional persona. There is an outer Deb that tends to be what I present to the world, much like I think grandma was taught to do. However, like so many other things I find myself *practicing* nowadays- like that vulnerability I mentioned in my last post, there is more underneath than what I allow the world to see. I don’t know if revealing more of herself were steps that Grandma F ever wanted to take, or if she even knew how, but it’s important to me to expand on her legacy; to step out of the comfortable and known and to reveal other parts of myself to the world while always being grateful that I have her strong nature to guide me.
I can easily depend on other people, like the financial guy in my life, to be ready with the basic checks and balances on resources to get me through the next 30 years or so. My life lesson for today is to be mindful that only I can take the time to do personal checks and then balance out the traits given to me by others with my own choices regarding the person I present to the world.
The Heart of the Matter 
Beautiful post. My paternal grandmother died when I was two so I have no memory of her. My maternal grandmother was amazing. Tough and strong and resilient…probably the strongest woman I ever met. As a teenager she supported her mother, brother, and aunts and uncles by singing and playing piano (and she graduated high school) plus was always the rock
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Thanks LA! My grandma’s were polar opposites in their lifestyles but I think both possessed the same values and core ideology. Their stories are so incomplete though, for me at least so it’s been important to look for ways to tie myself to them.
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I agree with LA, Deb. What a lovely post and wonderful tribute to your grandma. Both my grandmothers lived until 90/91, so I hope that’s a good omen for me too. I don’t think we always know their impact until they’ve gone. My grandmothers were very different but both put family at the heart of what they did and I think that has an influence shaping who I am. However, I think my mother’s relationship with and visible attitude to her mother-in-law and family had an impact too which I didn’t realise until I got older, more removed to form my own opinions
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Brenda, I absolutely agree that the impact and legacy previous women leave to us isn’t fully realized when we are younger. I am trying really hard to change that by making the time that I spend with my own grands as meaningful as possible. I don’t remember talking much with my grandma so I want that to be different with my two grands. Really interesting comment about your own mom and the other side of the coin- the MIL…I think that dynamic is well worth exploration as well!
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Beautiful memories Deb! Love the pictures too. Lots of life in between there, lots of great wisdom. Thanks for sharing, makes me think of the strong aunts and grandparents in my life!
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Thanks Brian! I’m glad it gave you pause and the opportunity to think about the folks in your family that may have influenced who you are today!
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Extraordinary, Deb. You have honored your grandmother and done a service to her posterity. How would they otherwise know her. You have renewed her life and handed it off to those who can’t know her, including me. And in doing all this so well and openly, you have shown us a part of who you are. Thank you.
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Dr Stein, I so appreciate your kind words, thank you. There is much about my family that I don’t know but I learn every time I see things I remember about any one of them within myself. I do know that many of the women were who they were out of necessity and never had a choice to be anything else. I have to be grateful for that legacy so that I can seek what works for me.
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Lovely in every way, Deb. And I especially enjoyed your reference to “antimacassars on every chair”. My grandmother had a fondness for those, too, as did the hubster’s mom. All lacey and delicate but serving a purpose! Thank you for sharing Grandma F with us. 💖
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Thanks Vicki, for having a relatable moment with a very old home craft. I knew using the term “antimacassars” might upend a few readers, but the other fairly common term doily might have been just as unknown! I picture grandmas living room any time I’m wandering through an antique or thrift store and spot those faded, yellowed pieces of art…
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Love it —you brought good memories forward in so many ways. 😘❤️😘
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What a wonderful post, Deb! I love the detail of Grandma F having a hanky up her sleeve. And I love the pictures!
Your reflection of how your grandmother lived her life – and the intentionality of what parts of that you want to emulate and where you might want to be more vulnerable is fascinating. And wise! What a beautiful way to see another loved one’s life in full – and then use that vision to discern what you want to pass along. Love it!
Happy Saturday, my friend!
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Although I didn’t mention it in the post, grandma’s hanky practice has landed among my inherited traits. Yes, I am the grandma who carries a hanky- mostly in her coat pocket for my walks on frigidly cold days 🙂 I have long seen similarities between myself and grandma- while my maternal grandmother remains rather enigmatic. Happy snowy weekend Wynne, and thank you for the thoughtful comment!
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A hanky on cold and windy days is so smart! ❤ ❤ ❤
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Trying to oust tissues from my life- so far so good!
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What we present to the world is indeed different from what’s inside. However, the disparity is (I think) much less these days than it was in Grandma’s generation. They were trained to be stoic and sensible. Perhaps they had to be due to the toughness and challenges of their lives? When I look at my grandmothers and photos of my great-grandmothers, I am shocked by how old they look, when they were only in their 50s or 60s. My mom’s mom was beautiful and glamorous but she died at 51 so in photos of her, she was even younger.
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I agree. I think they had no choice, or the choices they did have were even harder to deal with than simply pushing through with what was in front of them. I was shocked when posting the teenage photo of grandma- which I would guess to be 17 or so and then to look at her (even a grainy photocopy) where she is holding my dad at 31! I need to pause and really look at my life carefully when I think about the lives of my ancestors.
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How wonderful your memories are of your Grandma. I only got to briefly know the grandma on my moms side before she passed away when I was 6. While our predecessors may have come from more simpler times, we have so much to learn from them. I like the no nonsense approach I feel they took but also that gentle and silent kindness.
And thanks for the reminder about tax season. Ugh. It’s that time of the year again. Haha.
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Haha! Taxes…I know! This was the simplest year yet for me so it was great to get all that imagined stress out of the way early! I think many of us missed out on really knowing our grandparents in an intimate way, even if they were able to be a part of our lives for many years. Their perspectives on life would have been amazing to hear first hand. I love how culturally grandparents are often embraced and continue to be a huge part of the family experience. For our westernized culture I think we have gone away from that somewhat, at least in my family anyway and everyone misses out when that is the norm.
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This evokes so many memories for me, Deb. The descriptions of your grandmother and her home just make we want to go up and hug, even through she was not a cuddler haha! My maternal grandfather passed away when my mom was a child, but I saw the other grandfather and grandmothers on a weekly basis for most of my life, and I feel so fortunate for that. The stories (riding the Graf Zeppelin and hiding under the porch to evade school), the lessons, the legacy, and always being surrounded by family truly has a positive impact, I believe.
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Oh Erin, how sweet! She would have gladly hugged you back but within a “not overly cuddly” time frame 😉 What a gift that you had 3 of your grandparents to learn from. I imagine it was just as special for them. I never knew either of my grandfathers and I can’t even begin to imagine what they would have been like but I bet the stories would have been great!
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I’m truly was so blessed! My parents both moved here as children, so I was surrounded by grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Lots of love, adventure, and fun stories!
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I never met my maternal grandmother (she died soon after my mother was born) but my paternal grandmother was a big part of my childhood. The grandparent/grandchild relationships back then were so different from the way they are now (big generalizations, but still…). Although I spent a lot of time with my grandmother in the winters when they drove to California to get out of the New York snow, she always seemed very old and proper. Your description of your grandmother sounded much like mine.
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It really was different Janis for those of us who have moved into our own middle to older age I think. Our grandparents were raised in a much different time so I wouldn’t be surprised if many of us have had the same experiences with grandparents. Even someone 15-20 years younger may have a very different story to share. Not that they loved us any less, but I think their general upbringing was to hold those emotions in. Thank you for your insight!
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That was a lovely post Deb. My gramma was very similar, including the apron (green) and the hanky/tissue tucked into her sleeve. I think people were more stoic back then, less into showing emotion, even to family. This sentence was really poignant – “Her core never wavered. Yet she also began to show a resignation about much of her family, their way of life and their choices. I would watch her gaze at her family and see sadness in her eyes. She seemed to be very aware that no matter what she may have wished for her family their habits were ingrained.” You can raise your kids the best you can but once they are adults their choices are theirs. My granma always told me I was the best of the bunch. I didn’t understand what she meant years ago, but now I do.
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PS. My gramma lived to be 96, and my mother will soon be 97! My university graduation picture also has the head tilt – it’s so bad I never shared it with anyone.
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Lots of longevity there Joni! Perhaps 100 is in the future for mom!
That head tilt…I just don’t understand it and I remember them specifically telling me to try different “looks” with my smile and eyes! What is that about- I wasn’t modeling- just trying to get a picture for the yearbook to prove I graduated 😉
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Thank you Joni! I think given what they faced in life that yes, people were taught from childhood to just take what was in front of them and deal with- feeling there might not have been choice or alternatives. She witnessed a lot in her life- loss of two husbands, two sons early on, marriage issues all over the place, alcoholism, and just the changes in the world in general. I think we have more tools in our arsenals now. I know I am not one to sit silently by and say or do nothing. I think grandma clung to faith as her guidepost but longed for more.
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I have no memories of my grandmothers. One was gone before I was born, the other died shortly after I was born. I know I don’t look much like either, nor do I know how I am like them in personality. It’s something I never think much about, but realize I probably missed out on a sense of family that others have had.
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I’ve been looking back at family now for awhile, trying to figure some things out about myself, but this grandma has always been present in my mind and heart in many ways. I see much more of my own traits in memories of her- not many at all in my maternal grandma. It’s just another one of those puzzles that are interesting but you have to be prepared that you may end up with more than one or two missing pieces when it’s all done.
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Our grandmothers might have been twins, both in appearance and personality. My maternal grandmother died at 70; my mother at 101 and I’m still working my way through my 80’s, so I have a way to go to catch up with her. They both shared the same stoic attitude—brought on, I suspect by the times in which they lived. Your post is thought provoking in so many ways—especially as I think about how my grandchildren will view me. Thanks for the memories!
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Wow Julia- 101! I believe a great deal of that stoicism comes from the generational challenges- some we may understand and some we can’t begin to imagine. I’ve had a different relationship with my grands since the beginning so I do wonder when they look back after reaching my age what they will remember, what was of value to them and maybe even what they saw as just the ramblings of an aging lady;)
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What a wonderful story of a dear grandmother – grandmothers are the best! I enjoyed a special relationship with a Nordic grandmother and she shared so much with me!
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Hello! Thank you for coming to read. I think every grandmother that gets to know her grandchildren gives them a small glimpse into the gift of family, and perhaps even the child’s future. I am touched that you had a wonderful relationship with yours!
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I think you sound like you are a good blend of your grandmother and yourself. She sounds a lot like my grandmother. Makes me wonder how much they were the product of their generation. Being vulnerable (I think) is a learned skill.. Takes wisdom to know what to share, when to share, and with whom. This post made me revisit some memories w/ my Oma.
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Thanks Doug! It’s funny because I see very little of myself in the way I remember my maternal grandmother- but so much of Grandma F. I do think generational influence is huge- which is why I wonder how my own grands are going to look back on this grandma (me)! They live in a completely different world from the one I grew up in.
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Thanks, Deb, for giving us a little glimpse into your family history. It may not be the main point of this post, but it points up what for me is a constant quandary. Nature vs nurture. Why are we the way we are?
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It is often a big debate regarding what if anything is inherited and what we learn from the environment. That’s why I loved studying social-psych courses- you got to see how both nature and nurture are possible and usually work in tandem to shape our personalities, outlook and habits.
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