How Do We Fill Up Our Cups When We’re Empty?

Posted on by Libby Saylor

I hate to deliver such tough love wisdom, but I do believe that often times, pain is our best teacher. Because most of us as human beings don’t like to experience pain. We want to expedite the process of moving through and/or eliminating our pain as fast as we possibly can. Because it feels uncomfortable and miserable when we’re in it, right? And because of this, I think us wise ones choose to make the best of our pain, move through it in some kind of efficient way, and see what we can learn from it. The rest of us (of course I do this too) often just try to ignore it in the hopes that it goes away. However, that often leads to tumors and other ailments in our body, so I don’t recommend this method.

So, when us wise ones have identified pain and made a choice to work with it in order to learn, something kind of magical happens. We learn to assess what has and has not worked for us in the past. And typically, if we’ve gone through the cycle of pain enough times (sometimes it takes LOTS of cycles and that’s just how it is), we realize that what we did before doesn’t work. And a miracle happens when we commit to breaking a cycle.

ripples in calm water

Photo by Linus Nylund on Unsplash

It Doesn’t Work To Reach For Things Outside Of Ourselves When Our Cups Are Empty

When our cups have ceased to runneth over, for whatever reason, this can feel so unbearably painful. Our cups become empty for all kinds of reasons that are just part of life. We can feel lonely, or drained, or grief-stricken, or heartbroken. All of us experience empty cups all of the time, so you are not alone or doing anything wrong if your cup is empty. But for the most part, when our cup is empty, without even realizing, many of us reach for something outside of ourselves to fill it up immediately.

Here are some of the things I reach for when I’m in a reactive state with my pain

  • Male attention, romance, love fantasies
  • Food (particularly sweets)
  • Distractions of any kind, often mindless things like Instagram scrolling
  • Excessive, sometimes smothering closeness with friends and family

The pain (mostly with regards to men and romance) I’ve been experiencing over the last year or so has really taught me a thing or two. Don’t get me wrong, it’s absolutely SUCKED and has been so hard! But I’m not sure how I would have learned to fill my cup in the right way without walking through these painful months. And what I’ve learned is that it just doesn’t work to reach for things outside of myself when I’m empty.

Let me be clear, I’m not saying don’t make a phone call if you’re feeling sad. And if you want that brownie because you’ve had a hard day, or week, or month, go for it! I do all of the time. The reaching I’m referring to is more of an unhealthy, reactionary, not-dealing-with-feelings kind of reaching. It’s putting heavy emotions on others when they may not be available to assist, that can get us into trouble. And then blaming them for not being there for us, when it was really never their job to begin with. People offer support in all kinds of ways, and sometimes it falls short of what we need. And that’s no one’s fault.

But it’s our job to fill up our cup so we can keep and cultivate those beautiful relationships we’ve worked so hard to nourish. And it’s our job to fill up our cup so we can move through our pain, learn from it, and become stronger and more loving gods and goddesses. It’s so hard, but it’s true.

Iced tea in glasses

Photo by Food Photographer | Jennifer Pallian on Unsplash

How Do We Fill Up Our Cups In The Right Way?

So, now for the part you’ve all been waiting for…

How do we fill up our cups in the right way?

Ummm…I have no idea.

But I do believe that starting with what not to do is half the battle. And lately I’ve been disciplining myself not to reach when I’m empty. And to instead face my feelings. In those moments, amazing things happen. Sometimes, I start crying. Or sometimes, I have a new thought that I’ve never thought before. In other moments, I feel the Goddesses so closely watching over me and wrapping their softly strong arms around me.

By not reaching in moments when I really want to, I’m learning to simply sit with the pain for just a little bit longer than before. It’s like I’m building up a tolerance, but in a good way. Not so I can be a martyr, but so I can allow the natural ebb and flow of things and not react. So when I feel intense feelings, I can think to myself, “Eh, okay, I’m feeling this right now.” I don’t need to push the feelings away, nor do I need to act on them. Instead, I can just allow them to be and just trust that things will be okay.

I can also remember that this too shall pass. And it always does. Always. And once it does, I inevitably become flooded with beauty, and miracles, and love, and hugs, and joy. Until the pain comes again. Because that’s life. But maybe this time, I don’t panic as much when it arrives. I’ve been here before and I know what I’m doing. I know I can handle just being with my feelings, and I know they will lead to something magical. So I hold on for just a bit longer, until things open again.

This is what I’m learning. It’s not glamorous or fun. But I do believe it’s about as goddess-esque as it gets. And they do know a thing or two about everything. So, aspiring to be like them feels aligned for me. How does this feel for you?

I’d love to hear from you in the comments! Be well and hang in my dears. This too shall pass…

xo, Libby

Woman wearing a flower crown

Photo by Daria Litvinova on Unsplash

33 thoughts on “How Do We Fill Up Our Cups When We’re Empty?”

  1. Your use of the word ‘reactionary’ hit a note of recognition, Libby. When I’m not feeling quite right…from the inside out as you describe…I’ve learned I need to pull back a bit from others until I’ve tended to what’s simmering. Might be a moment…might be longer. Just as you said, “I don’t need to push the feelings away, nor do I need to act on them.” 💕

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  2. “I can also remember that this too shall pass. And it always does.” . . . my go-to remedy that has proven true 99% of the time over 8 decades,and the other 1% happens regardless, but usually with fer less consequences that I had envisioned.
    Be blessed!

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  3. The first two lines below made me laugh. Indeed! And the last? That resonated, hard. Almost 18 months into sobriety, knowing a bunch of what does not work helps me more efficiently move toward what does.
    That’s a gift.

    “How do we fill up our cups in the right way?

    Ummm…I have no idea.

    But I do believe that starting with what not to do is half the battle.”

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  4. “…so we can keep and cultivate those beautiful relationships we’ve worked so hard to nourish.” A great line. For me that idea is what encourages me to replenish my cup, to keep the good vibes going all around me.

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  7. Your post reminds me of a quote by Marcel Proust: “We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” There may not be a definitive step-by-step guide on how to fill our cup, but I agree that the “right way” typically begins with feeling the feelings and sitting with the discomfort, knowing that it will pass… and, hopefully, we can learn from it.

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  8. To me Libby, sitting with and within pain means that ultimately I am going to learn something, maybe about others, but hopefully about myself. Pain has taught me quite a lot during my life and I expect there to be more, but I am thankful because I have always come out stronger after. You have a much more eloquent way of putting this idea in your post but I think we come from the same perspective 🙂

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  9. Oh, I love this – “But it’s our job to fill up our cup so we can keep and cultivate those beautiful relationships we’ve worked so hard to nourish. And it’s our job to fill up our cup so we can move through our pain, learn from it, and become stronger and more loving gods and goddesses.” Thank you!

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  10. This is great wisdom. The not reacting, the learning from the pain, the need to fill our own selves up. So incredibly wise and powerful. Thank you so much for sharing these wonderful lessons with us! Love “In other moments, I feel the Goddesses so closely watching over me and wrapping their softly strong arms around me.” Yes, yes, yes! Love you, Libby!

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  12. Congratulations! It sounds to me a lot like you are walking the path to spiritual enlightenment! “They” (whoever ‘they’ is) say that pain and suffering is necessary in order to grow. As you so wisely say, “… if we’ve gone through the cycle of pain enough times (sometimes it takes LOTS of cycles and that’s just how it is), we realize that what we did before doesn’t work. And a miracle happens when we commit to breaking a cycle.” You are so right—each one those cycles of suffering pain bring us closer to the miracle of healing. I love the wisdom and insight you share as you go through your process of clearing out the dross to get to the good stuff! Good on ya’ and keep on keeping on! You’re definitely looking in all the right places. 👏👏👏

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    2. I’ve been on the planet for a very long time, and most of my years have been spent walking the path to self awareness, muddling my way through my stupid mistakes, correcting bad decisions, ducking and dodging the cycles of pain and learning the hard way. Truly, I can attest to the fact that experience is the best teacher of all—and that there is joy on the other side of the pain. It’s a rocky road, but so worth it in the end. The most important tip I can offer is to love yourself through the process, even when you feel the least lovable. Meanwhile, you’ll find a lot of love, help, and support along the way to cheer you on. Keep the faith and count me in!

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  14. With age (and often with pain) comes wisdom. Here’s how I’m looking at where I am now. What do you think about using it on a card as a way of introducing myself?

    Resurrecting who I was when
    last single 33 years ago.
    Unexpected opportunity to
    revive what I still enjoy, revise
    as necessary, discover what’s now
    and new to me. 2nd of 5 year plan to try before maybe settling down somewhere.

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