“Overwhelmingly, we are attracted to people who listen to us well. When things go wrong in any relationship, the first factor to consider is: Are we still listening?”
-Glaser & Glaser, p. 17
Listening skills…they’re the bedrock of healthy relationships and if I had to isolate one topic addressed most frequently in my consulting practice – whether I’m working with individuals or groups – it’s just that. Being heard. It’s the gateway to understanding one another and all the goodness that can flow as a result. Less judgment, more positive regard is possible when we shed our protective barriers and slow down… in order to receive.
I love the Glaser & Glaser book, Be Quiet, Be Heard because of the actionable wisdom about the power of listening in improving relationships of all sorts – professional and personal. Used in many organizations as a management training tool, their book offers accessible advice for the workplace…and beyond.
No matter the conflict or conundrum, enhancing our listening prowess (especially developing the capacity to receive without being preoccupied by formulating our response) is a skill worth honing. Even if you’re an excellent listener now, you can improve by deploying a few simple practices.
My favorite technique is also the most difficult one. Practicing silence. Drs. Glaser & Glaser point to research from Dr. David Illig, and his insights about the power of “high stakes silence”. Illig makes the point that practicing silence provides an opportunity – a grace note – so that we can more fully consider our response before speaking.
“No matter how honest or sincere you are, or how smart and educated, the first thing that comes to your mind and out of your mouth is rarely the best thing that could be said to communicate your point of view.”
-Illig, Glaser & Glaser, p. 80
Hmmm…sobering. Lock your lips…let your brain engage…follow the sequence: Head first, mouth second. Sounds so simple, doesn’t it? I know from firsthand experience it’s not. I’m not referred to in some circles as “Very Verbal Vicki” for random reasons. 😉
Years ago my colleague and best friend Linda and I became facilitators of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and enjoyed doing workshops using his model. Which Habit was our favorite because of its potency and power? Lovely Habit #5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
Slowing down with intention to fully consider our thoughts and words before replying? It feels out of alignment with the rapid-fire pace of communication today.
Thankfully there are simple tips and tricks to help us slow down in order to be more purposeful, to speak with intention. Here’s my favorite:
“Silence is difficult, rare and powerful. Humans are addicted to speed and talk, especially under stress. In stressful conflict situations, do not respond with any words until after a count of three. It will feel like a count of ten. Do this even when you think it’s unnecessary.”
-Illig, Glaser & Glaser, p. 81
How does this play in real life? One of my clients, a self-confessed ‘fast talker’ uses this “three beat” technique and swears it’s helped him calm down and appear less arrogant. In his case, that’s a win all-around. I don’t believe he’s pompous; his rapid speech is often borne of fear and a sense of inadequacy…racing with his words. Invariably leading to misperceptions and muddling his message.
Learning to embrace silence as a tool to improve the quality of our responses might feel uncomfortable and stilted at first. It will feel awkward. But gosh, it works. I should mention this, too. My client’s a smart cookie because without any prompting on my part, he realized he also needed to acquire a more open posture with his body language, using his ‘three beats’ to take a breath, maintain eye contact and sometimes smile or nod, to convey he was thinking before he responded.
A little more? A bit of lagniappe? 😉 The latest Heart of the Matter podcast features Wynne and her meditation teacher, Deirdre Wilcox as they discuss the topic of purposeful pauses and enhancing listening skills. When Wynne and I compared notes about what we were working on this week, we laughed about the simultaneous swirling of topics – this piece, my Victoria Ponders post and Wynne’s new podcast with Deirdre – all about listening and purposeful pauses! Fun alignment and synchronicity! I’d say that’s a triple-dose of encouragement to improve our communication skills. It won’t save the world from all its ills, but the humanity moments of care, kindness and clarity that can come from listening…truly listening to one another… is surely a good place to start.
Vicki 😊
The Heart of the Matter 
This reminds me of a man I one worked with—I could literally see the wheels turning in his head as he searched for a response while I was speaking. It also reminds me to listen more closely to myself, and employ the three-beat technique before I run off and take some sort of action that I might regret later. Maybe that’s why it takes me 24 hours to make a decision that others make in 5 minutes, huh? I think I’ll redefine myself from ‘slow learner’ to ‘wise discerner’. Couldn’t hurt, right? Thank you for the reminder of the importance of listening—both to others, and to one’s self!
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Oh….’wise discerner’, eh? I aspire to be just that! Sounds like a topic that you could turn into a beauty of a blog post! And yes. I think 90% of this piece was me…talking to me…reminding myself to slow down. Thanks for coming along, Jules! 🥰
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I alway love tagging along on your rides, Vicki. As Dr. Stein says: always entertaining, always informative. Always chock full of food for thought.
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Aww…thanks for that. Wynne and I were a little dumbfounded by our swirling, similar topics this week. It happens to us often…we figure they’re messages of some sort, so we roll with it! 🥰
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Oh how wonderfully put Vicki – “it won’t save the world from all its ills but…is surely a good place to start.” I wish I could say that listening is underrated but I fear there aren’t enough people who recognize the power of pausing to give it much of a rating at all. But the ones who get it….they get it. At least once a day I remind myself of one of my favorite Fred Rogers quotes “Listening is where love begins.” Thank you for today’s reminder.
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Wowza…I thought I’d heard all the fabulous quotes from Mr. Rogers…but that one escaped me! I think I could’ve saved everyone a long read in my post if I’d just shared those five words. Thank you, Michael! 😉
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Once upon a time Z-D was trained to be a facilitator of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. He was working as a lawyer and expected to teach these habits to a bunch of lawyers. It didn’t go all that well because… have you ever been around a group of lawyers? They never shut up when they’re together, one trying to outdo the other. Listening? It wasn’t for them.
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Oh…golly! Give Z-D a hug from your friend Vicki today…what he endured sounds like combat duty. Linda and I only needed to wrangle and wrestle fellow educators and counselor-types…a little tricky, but probably not as much as what Zen-Den endured. 😉😉😉
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This is wonderful advice, Vicki. It can be applicable to home life, personal relationships and work as well. I agree taking those three extra seconds before speaking up can make a whole world of difference.
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Thank you, Ab! It feels like an eternity sometimes…but it’s helped me avoid saying too much…and/or the wrong thing/first thing I think. Live and learn! xo 😘
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Listening is an important part of communication. When I was in training at Merrill Lynch, working with my husband, they had whole seminars on listening. I was naturally a better listener than many of the men in my training class. They seemed to think they needed to talk to impress clients, rather than listen and get to know them and their needs. Excellent post!
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Oh gosh! What a great example. Yes…that whole nonsense of “speaking to impress”. NOT impressive at all. 😜
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Your post reminded me of that!
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Love that! 🥰
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😊
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Reading this post makes me wish I had included “listening” on my list of how I define personal self-care. If there is anything that I practice, and will be practicing forever, it is the art of stopping to really listen before opening my mouth. Thankfully I have improved by leaps and bounds over the years but I vividly remember times where the voice in my head almost jumped out loudly and verbally in the moments I so wanted to interject something without ever hearing half of what was being said. Sadly, what would have been blurted out was “Shut the f**k up” with the person I was with never knowing I was speaking to myself. How awkward… 😉
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😉😉😉 Ah…see? More things that you and I have in common! We’ve both had to tame those boisterous voices from within. It’s a hard-won fight for me…one of those lessons I’ve learned the hard way. You’ll need to share some of your secrets to “listening success”! 🥰
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Thanks for the gentle reminder of the importance of the art of listening! I agree with the difficulty of putting listening in to practice on a daily basis!
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We’re all “works in progress”, aren’t we? 😉❤️😉
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Okay, you’ve added another book to my reading list. Listening is critical in negotiation. I’m okay but I could really use some improvement. When I start to get nervous, I talk faster. And yes, I get the ten count down, but it’s so hard to say nothing. But, the more I’ve read on the topic, the more I’m convinced that the first person to talk is the one who loses. One other thing that I did last year in work meetings that I found really helpful, but sounds counter intuitive, I dared myself to speak less. I was noticing a lot of people just adding comments to hear themselves speak. I was finding myself doing that too. I got more judicious in when I spoke up and it had amazing results. My comments actually seemed to give me more power/authority. Strange.
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What a wonderful post, dear Vicki! I love, “Less judgment, more positive regard is possible when we shed our protective barriers and slow down… in order to receive. ” Pause a beat (or three), the key to relationships, and listening to understand. Such incredible goodness. Love our synchronicity this week my wise friend!! ❤ ❤ ❤
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Thank you for this post, Vicki! So important. It’s funny because I was just thinking the other day that Listening – being a better listener – will be one of my top things to work on as I start this school year. While my intentions are good, I tend to speak too quickly without really hearing others thoroughly. I want to hear the problem and solve it, quickly. But, I need to be and do better by the young people I’m in contact with daily. I’m definitely going to steal Michael’s Mr. Rogers’ quote above and make it not only my goal but my motto: “Listening is where love begins.”
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Hi, Belle! I know…that Mr. Rogers quote is the BEST isn’t it? I’m with you about the problem-solving motivation…such a great point. It puts us in motion when we should still just receive…and listen. Xo to you! 🥰
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Lovely post Vicki. Listening, as you say, is such an important and powerful skill. Really listening, to think about what we’re being told, to understand. People are really uncomfortable with silence so rush to fill the gap rather than letting us take time to think about, reflect upon what has been said.
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Gosh! Great point, B. ❤️ Rushing to fill the gap. Yes, yes!
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