I am going to a darker, maudlin, more personal place today which is incongruous when our theme this month is focused on happiness and joy. I know that many will say that true happiness, even joy, comes from making others happy, from giving selflessly to ensure they are creating joy in another person’s life. For some that may be true, but when and where does an individual draw the line? Yes, I do think that there is a line even though some may disagree. I will also not discount that we often bring ourselves happiness when we strive to bring the same feelings to others. A win-win if you will. Happiness all around! I have been on the other side though.
I believe that while everyone deserves happiness we have to take responsibility for bringing that emotion into our own lives. It cannot come from others. The expectation cannot be to sit back and wait for someone else to create happy, joy-filled moments for us. No one should ever feel obligated to act as the sole purveyor of happiness in another person’s life. It is not selfish to believe that your own happiness matters, or that you deserve any less than what you fully want or are capable of giving.
“Take responsibility of your own happiness; never put it in other people’s hands.”
Roy T. Bennett
A Marriage Story…
I was married to a man for 34 years. A man I believed to have many of the same goals as myself. A man who I never expected to *make* me happy, but who would seek out and find a sense of shared happiness alongside me and our family. I grew up not having examples of a loving couple willing to work together to achieve that shared outlook on family and happiness. That doesn’t mean that I went into my marriage blind. I believed that, if nothing else, I knew what not to do. I thought the man I married was on the same page and in some ways he was. In many ways he was not.
Because I loved this man I began to take on the responsibility for his happiness more and more. Each year that passed the realization grew that I was fulfilling his expectations of marriage while losing sight of my own. I was losing myself.
I think, if we are honest, we all would say that we can find a significant level of happiness in giving of ourselves to others, especially those that we love. We want to bring those people happiness and we do that in a myriad of ways. Maybe some can spend their lives giving, never looking to receive. I would be lying if I said that doing all the giving would have brought me fulfillment in my marriage. I lied to myself about that for many years.
In the final stages of our divorce process, this man told me that I had changed. He was right, although he was not referring to the person I had been when we met. He was referring to the person I had become throughout most of our marriage: the caretaker and giver. The person responsible for his happiness. He was right when he told me I had changed because I had chosen to change again in the years prior to our divorce. I had taken back my very self. I had made the decision to reclaim my own happiness and prioritize that over his.
Happiness As Obligation or Happiness As Choice?
We all hope to live happily and joyfully content as we move through life. If you remember my post earlier this month I mentioned the unique aspect of our American Declaration of Independence. That fact that our founders in the first few lines of that document declared that we have an inalienable right to pursue happiness. I believe those words were written to mean that every human should have the ability to achieve greatness, to achieve fulfillment in meaningful ways. To live happily and well. I don’t believe that statement means that we are to pursue happiness at the expense of another’s individual happiness. Nor do I believe that we have a right to expect other individuals to make and keep us happy and content without consideration for themselves.
I, like others who enter marriage with personal and unresolved issues, want -perhaps need- to do things differently, better, and certainly create happier partnerships than those broken people who shaped our childhood. In attempting to achieve happiness we stumble… a lot, given that we had very few good examples of what to do correctly. Some, like the man I married, could never find a path to heal his own deep wounds, wanting only for others to do the work to numb his pain and create happiness. Because I loved this man deeply I stepped into that role only to forget my own value and happiness over time. Slowly my happiness was eroded. It became easy to feel as if my own happiness didn’t matter and in many ways that I didn’t matter.
When I reached that point in my marriage I knew that continuing to allow the obligation that had been imposed upon me, one that yes I had willingly taken on, had to stop. I finally accepted that I had to choose either the expectations and the needs of the person I married, or I had to take stock of myself and my own happiness. I chose myself. In doing so I have come to remember what it feels like to be happy and to know that I have the capacity to hold my happiness in my own hands.
“It’s okay to choose yourself…you matter too. It is not selfish to put yourself first…it is necessary.
Don’t be everything to others and nothing to yourself.”
The Minds Journal
The Heart of the Matter 
Great post. I am of the thinking, no one else can make you happy. You own happiness. However, someone else can make you unhappy. But you can decide what to do with that relationship.
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Yes! A perfect way of looking at the whole relationship happiness concept. If I can’t find my own happiness how can I expect anyone else to find it for me, but I really thought I had to try. I suppose I naively believed we were both on that track. It took way too long to claim my own needs.
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Same thing for my starter marriage
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There really is a whole lot wrapped up in why we do this stuff to ourselves isn’t there? And I wonder how much is really changing? I hope for people your daughters age that the message is stronger and better understood, but I don’t know.
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I was just beating around this bush with my friend. One of my daughters closest college friends just got engaged. Which is freaking my daughter out a little. But I was talking about this with a friend who knows of three 23 year olds who are basically floundering and are all in the process of getting married. She doesn’t see there marriages ending well.
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The pessimist in me says that things haven’t changed much and that society right now is only adding to the perpetuation of specific expectations- especially around women. This topic could easily be a series of posts for me, all of which are not really for this space or concept. I am sad that it seems many are still living without the sense of power and voice over who they really are or want to be.
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I think some still want to escape over bearing parents, or daddy issues, or wanting to be seen as a grown up
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Brava, Deb! Not everyone finds the strength to do what you did. As a psychologist colleague once said to a patient she was treating, “Get off the cross, we need the wood!”
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Oh Dr. Stein- I can’t tell you how much I love this comment and the words of your colleague for their forthright simplicity! How I wish someone would have hit me square on with those words a lot sooner. I fully claimed the title of martyr for way too long. Thank you!
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Your message resonates with my own experiences in my first marriage. My mother always told me that marrigage means putting another’s happiness before your own. I think that was bad advice. Now I’m in a second marriage, and I’m working at figuring out how to navigate this one more successfully than I did the last one. It takes a lot of soul-searching.
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Thank you Georgia. I think perhaps my situation is something many have or continue to face and it takes different levels of understanding and strength to remove yourself and the thought process around living to make another person happy. I don’t agree with that role, didn’t when I married, but found myself slowly wanting to please someone with no hope of reciprocity. Forgetting that you matter in a relationship serves no one and it often revolves around a sense of control, or lack thereof. I truly hope you take time to know yourself and truly find what makes you happy.
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❤
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I miss you lady, but glad to know you are reading!
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This makes me think of the analogy of putting on you own air mask first. I we haven’t resolved our own issues and discovered out own fount of joy, it’s almost impossible to offer that to another without depleting ourselves. It sounds like you made the right choice for you, Deb.
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Great analogy Erin! I was only beginning to know myself and my own needs when I married and there were lots of circumstances that enabled me to simply let go of what I was just beginning to be and come to focus solely on the needs of another person. It just doesn’t work. My choice was absolutely the right one for me and I believe no one should ever feel they don’t have the right to make better choices for themselves and their happiness. It’s hard to be a caring, giving person when you are miserable. Thanks for reading today.
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Oh, my heart. I am further behind you in an unraveling-marriage story my heart calls its own.
In one years-back episode of a recurrent “hell conversation” (as I then called it with a sister), I asked my ex to show up for household duties. He asked, “Why all this harping on the chores all the time? What happened to the adventurous, spirited woman I married?” I replied, not even meaning it cruelly, “She married you.”
When I later wandered into a dangerous situation, he asked me, “How did you miss this?” And I was like, “I think … by making myself invisible to stay married to you? I so completely lost myself, to stay here with you and live some version of ‘the dream,’ I stopped hearing my heart or instincts at all?”
When, recently, I was chided–in an unrelated context–for being too emotional and … “encouraged” … to just numb my feelings like the rest of the world, I was stunned by the idea that “numb” could be considered a good thing. I’ve spent the last few years intentionally doing the hard work to know my feelings and become true to myself. I’m, now, coming to see more clearly every day how this improves not only my life but the lives of all those I love, my not draining all my energy merely trying to survive. So I took that just-numb-already! moment then, as I take this moment now, to be grateful I was brave enough to do the long, hard work of un-losing/reclaiming myself.
Beautiful post. I’m glad you share it exactly as you did, and for sure have a lighter heart for it.
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Thank you Deborah. I am so very sorry to read of your own struggle, but so very happy that you have begun to reclaim your own *self*. Just after I finalized my divorce, while there was still lots of pain and regret and questions I remember feeling consumed by the feeling of freedom to be who and whatever I wanted and needed to be for no one other than myself. It was miraculous 🙂
I hope for lots of joy as you release yourself and as you walk through your own journey.
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Tearfully, thank you ❤
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Oh my…yes. You couldn’t heal his wounds and risked losing yourself in the process. Cheers and love to you, Deb, for doing what matters most – taking care of you. xo!
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Thank you Vicki 🙂 It’s so ironic that I really thought I could be the person for him, be exactly what he needed. Apparently I was for some amount of time, until I woke up. It enriches my life to give to others in small ways, and I’m grateful that part of me wasn’t lost in the process but to be someone’s *all* wasn’t/isn’t who I am.
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I am happy for you! Some folks never put those pieces together…preserving that core goodness – for their own benefit and to give, love, support and cherish others (who are oh-so deserving). Hugs! 🥰
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It’s not just marriage, but our (society’s?) expectations of love in general, especially for women. We’re supposed to give, give, give and try to make others happy, which is an impossible goal anyway. I didn’t know you when you were married, but you seem independent and generally content with your life in the present. You’re at peace with where your decisions have led you. Taking power over our lives is important for our growth and I see you as someone who will continue to change and adapt to circumstances.
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Thanks M! I do agree there is a large societal component to all this and that it played a part strongly back in the 80’s when I married. I think it continues today sadly. If nothing else I have regained my voice which I think was silenced for too long. How easy it is to be influenced by the expectations of others when you really haven’t dealt with your own self to begin with. Lots of what ifs and whys for sure but yes- so glad to be in charge of me 🙂
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I love reading this exchange. When I was lambasting myself for my poor relationship decisions on a trip early last year, a dear friend asked, “Mmm, but isn’t it possible that this isn’t totally a story about personal defectiveness so much as one that ALSO involves trying to navigate absurd, impossible societal expectations?!” The question sounded apt at the time, but I’m really starting to get it now–and more so, the more I hear other people speaking to such points as I get deeper into my own reclaiming.
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Deb, M and I have been around awhile and have seen the ups and downs and the way social trends and norms impact on macro levels. None of my story or your story is ultimately about the individual (although it feels like you’re the only one when going through it) but our stories are so intertwined throughout history and our personal generations as well. Your friend hit the nail on the head with her comment. My ex learned and grew his POV from someone, or groups of someone’s. He was not unique, even though he wanted to appear differently on the surface. Believe me, I had a great deal of the long-standing social norms about men and women tossed in my face over the marriage. For women of a certain age like M and I we were surrounded by expectations we lived with and still see hiding in plain sight today. Keep up your digging 😉
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It’s too easy to lose ourselves in trying to be what or who others need or want us to be. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It is so important that we listen to ourselves and learn who we are, and who we want to be
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Thank you Brenda. Your comment is perfect. We allow others to shape who they want us to be sometimes. It doesn’t turn out well for anyone. It’s imperative to figure yourself out before you try to figure out others or take responsibility for their happiness over your own.
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Your story reminds me of my mom. She lost herself during her marriage to my dad. He was cheating on her and she would say things like, “Maybe if I darn his socks, he’ll stay.” I’m sorry to say, she never found herself again. It was sad to witness.
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Oh EA, that is heartbreaking. I stayed much too long and have since been working on/with my kids to realize and rectify the impact of what they witnessed. They are amazing people and have wonderful partners so I hope the horrible examples they saw guided them in making better decisions as they became adults. I think that is the hardest part for me and was finally one of the biggest motivators in my decision to divorce.
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It sound like your kids are doing well in their relationships. I learned from my mom to be the opposite. She really felt that she needed a man to be happy. I know that I have to find my own happiness to share it with others.
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Yes! Good for you. So glad you were strong and willing to find your own way EA 🙂
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Thank you!
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“To thine own self be true!” Well said Deb. You can’t be there for others if you’re not there for yourself.
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Oh, thank you Brian! I think sometimes it’s too easy to be convinced by others or by ourselves that we must give to the exclusion of our own interests and happiness. I want people to understand how untrue that is and you said it well: “You can’t be there for others if you’re not there for yourself.”
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Erin’s example of an oxygen mask is a good one. If you’re not taking care of yourself, no way you can help anyone else. Great post Deb.
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Love this – ““Take responsibility of your own happiness; never put it in other people’s hands.”
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Sometimes we forget to simply believe in ourselves and that we matter too.
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I wish that anyone thinking about getting married should be required to have couples counseling, and maybe attend follow-ups throughout the years. All of us go into marriages with some sort of baggage (some travel light, some bring a whole steamer chest) and – mostly – unrealistic expectations. The sooner we discover whether or not we truly align with the other person, the better.
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Oh Janis, you cannot imagine how many times over the years I said the same thing to myself. I vaguely remember one meeting with the minister who was going to marry us. I might say more than slightly useless. I tend to chuckle now about his comments regarding my changing over time. Sadly, he was a pro at presenting what I wanted to hear early on then showing quite clearer a different side. I think the idea of follow-up accountability with someone to guide the process is an excellent idea.
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Thank you for your vulnerable thoughtful post, Deb. Light and dark, joy and sorrow, are mirror images and flip sides of the coin and in life, they do go hand in hand.
I appreciate you pointing that while there is a purpose, a necessity and a sense of joy that comes in serving others and bringing joy to others, it must never be at the long term expense of one’s own happiness.
Too often, we see people lose themselves in a relationship, when it becomes one-sided and no longer reciprocal. I don’t think it’s selfish at all to expect give and take – and it’s actually essential and crucial to the longterm health of a relationship and the individuals.
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There is that dichotomy to life isn’t there Ab- we can’t have the good without some bad. That goes back to growth potential and the life-long ability to adapt and learn I think.
Yes, I think somehow we lose sight of reciprocity or perhaps some of us just didn’t have the opportunity to encounter it in childhood. I think I was a fixer as well as a believer that I didn’t deserve any giving back to come my way. That certainly precludes “long term health” in any relationship. Thank you for reading today Ab.
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I’m sorry that your childhood shaped that mindset that you were not deserving of receiving good in return. It is so sad to think about. I see this in others too and it is just heartbreaking. I am glad you learned and stood up for your own worth!
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You are so kind Ab- thank you.
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Oh boy do I relate to this. So much that I’m not even sure where to start my comment. It’s a lot harder than it seems from the outside – and some kernel inside (the one that wants to grow and be happy?) knows that is what needs to happen. I think a lot of people don’t listen, believing that marriage has to be death do us part. And in some ways, situations like yours and mine were “death do us part” because they killed the spirit. Good for you for recognizing that you needed to end that. Love this wonderful truth that I don’t think is maudlin at all – just very real!
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I am truly sorry that you, and a few others in the comments have found this post relatable Wynne. Of course I know I’m not unique, but it’s just sad to realize how normalized so many relationships are with a very one-sided way of approaching a *partnership*.
I am extremely proud of the strong women we both are- of all women or men who find the ability to take back their worthiness and value because you are so correct- it is not an exaggeration to speak in terms of death of oneself. Thank you.
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I remember when you were going through this. It wasn’t easy, but you did it. I like the idea that you reclaimed yourself, very accurate.
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Thank you Ally Bean! So you were in on the stressful, turbulent chronicles that were my divorce process? Thanks for hanging in and still reading. Those posts were my one outward way of processing that time and I appreciate everyone who was in my life then, allowing me to get all the crap and crud out 🙂
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I remember it well too! Hard to believe that many years have passed . I remember the countdown..
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So appreciate that you Doug, like Ally Bean, did not run away from the mess that I was living here on WP 🙂
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I love the honesty of this post. I feel blessed to have had the same partner for 36 years. We’ve changed as well—I don’t know of any marriage where people don’t change. Yet, I think you’re overall point of not losing yourself is a key one. We may make some sacrifices in a relationship, but we can’t lose our own identity in the process. My wife and I have separate interests, as it should be. We would never expect the other to give up something important for the other. At the same time, we enjoy our time together. Kudos to you for figuring the right path forward for you.
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Pete, hello! So nice to meet you and I truly appreciate that you read and stopped to comment. I agree that as marriage partners grow together there is change. Humans are meant to learn and grow and change throughout life and being able to do that in a positive way with someone you love is hopefully beneficial and strengthening for both.
Many people in the comments have used the word reciprocity and that was an unknown and I also think a feared aspect that my ex could not and/or would not manage or incorporate into our relationship. What I was led to believe turned out to be much different in reality. The only “right path” was to regain myself and move on.
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A big warm hug to you and 👏for choosing yourself and your happiness: I have a question though the insight and awareness you have about him,your marriage,yourself now did you have that when all that was happening ? Thank you for sharing such a personal journey it’s inspiring and encouraging ❤️❤️
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Wow, what a great and interesting question! We both experienced traumatic childhoods and each knew that about the other early on when we started dating. We talked about it quite a bit and both sought a need to work through the issues- at least I was told that initially but ultimately his personal interest really wasn’t there. I saw hints of many things that should have been red flags in many aspects of our relationship but chose often not to “really see” what was there, if that makes sense, always hoping that we would find a way to begin to work together. I held on for my kids, which I don’t recommend at all, until they were established as young adults, then it was time to stop. So yes, in short the insight was there, yet I didn’t want to believe it.
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I am still amazed that you were able to pull it off (re-establish boundaries) after all those years. As Dr Stein put it, “not everyone finds the strength to do what you did,” I agree.
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It really was one of those realizations that I truly had no choice Doug. I could feel myself shrinking away… It was unimaginable to spend any longer envisioning living in the same space with someone I held no respect for and who didn’t respect me. He had taken enough.
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Great read; thank you for sharing. I know it isn’t always easy to open up about ourselves as you have. Though our journeys weren’t identical, I too arrived at a point in my life when I decided to embrace my own happiness rather than shunt it aside and try to be someone I wasn’t for the sake of my partner. You seem to be doing very well on your own, and I wish you continued joy.
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Aww, thanks Mark- that means a lot 🙂 I think that there’s giving of oneself and then there can be self-less giving- in an all-consuming way if that makes sense with the outcome that not only the relationship is destroyed but often the person taking 99% of the responsibility is nearly destroyed as well. I was really close to that point.
I am doing well, thanks and you and Tara are great examples of finding “your person” and knowing how to care equally for each other.
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Preach, Sista! Clearly, you’re preaching to the choir.
PS – I just saw the Barbie movie. I laughed a lot and cried a little in recognizing that many people, perhaps like you and I at some point, can’t define themselves except in relation to another person.
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Thanks! I’ve heard there are definite messages and lessons within the movie- it’s on my list at some point to see. I see generational influences in the way I chose to take on adult relationships. Born on the cusp of the 60’s, breaking free as a teen in the 70’s, and trying to make decisions as a young adult in the early 80’s…lots of confusion for sure about who and what I was or wanted to be!
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