The elderly woman held tight onto her checkbook in her hand and was trying to get the lawyer’s attention. He worked full-time as a family law and real estate attorney, but helped support his business by also serving as a local municipal solicitor. He had his back turned to the woman and was giving me the details on a new mandate that the state was forcing upon on local municipalities and how it was going to cost folks extra in their next tax bill.
She interrupted our conversation and asked if she could talk to him about a small real estate issue that she was having. I called him “a wanted man” and went back to reading the minutes from a previous borough meeting.
A few minutes later he came back and apologized for cutting our talk short. The woman needed his help in setting up her will so that the house would go to her granddaughter when she died. She wanted to pay him for his time, but he wouldn’t take her money. He told her it was on the house.
When I teasingly called him a saint, he said that if he started taking money from little old ladies, he wouldn’t be able to look at himself in the mirror. However, he countered that he had “no moral issues” with taking my “moth-eaten money.”
“She needs that money for her heat and electricity. She needs that money to get by. If I take that, where’s she going to go? Now you Brian, I have no problems cheating and stealing from you every day and twice on Sunday.”
A generous heart
The lawyer was known for going out of his way to help mom and pop clients. I haven’t thought about him in a long time, but his kind heart with the woman and others I saw left a mark on me. He wasn’t raking in millions in his job. There were no expensive Porsches or BMWs in his driveway. He was a small-time lawyer. He drove a Ford Taurus that looked like it had seen better days or his wife’s mini-van. Oh, I’m sure he managed fine, but this was rural Virginia, and he had his own family, and probably had a huge student loan. He didn’t have to help, but he still went out of his way.
I’ve been thinking lately about people like the lawyer, people who have a big heart and help others, with little to no reward for themselves. We all come across people like that in our lives. What makes them tick? What makes them different from you and me? Is it their heart? Is it their make-up?
We’re writing this month On the Heart of the Matter on problem-solving and this is one “Good News” problem that has long intrigued me. There are no rules or laws that explain who is generous and why. There’s no simple list of traits that you can check off the gene pool to “produce” or “predict” a generous spirit. Some people just seem to be born more generous than others.
Why we give?
Science tells us that a variety of complex factors in any number of combinations at different levels of life— cultural, institutional, experiential, situational, psychological, and neurological — influence the types and levels of generosity that people express.
For example, generous people tend to be more willing to give to those less fortunate since they can feel their struggles and therefore have the empathy and urge to help. They often times tend to have higher levels of self-esteem and tend to be idealists. They have a certain image of the way the world should be, and strive to achieve that end.
Like the lawyer, I think of a retired teacher and widower who volunteered in the community where I grew up. His kids were grown and had long ago moved out of the area, they had moved to New York and Washington, D.C., but he still found time to serve as a basketball referee in the winter, a baseball coach in the spring. In addition, he served on several boards and helped head up the local United Way effort.
When I returned to the community a number of years ago, I asked him why he gave so much of his time, especially when he could have been retired and kicking back in a recliner. I always loved his response: “I think maybe you’re asking the wrong question Brian. Instead of why, maybe you should be asking why not?”
Yes, yes, why not?
I guess some people are just kind and generous. What do you think?
. . . .
Please join in on the discussion on the HoTM site. In addition, please visit my personal blog at www.writingfromtheheartwithbrian.com to read my companion piece. In addition, you can follow me on Instagram at @writingfromtheheartwithbrian.
All the best, Brian.
Images by Pexels
The Heart of the Matter 
Some of the kindest, most generous people I’ve ever known also knew pain and suffering and their challenges became the source of great compassion. Thank you for a beautiful post on this topic, Brian. 🙂❤️🙂
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Oh, thank you for your comment Vicki. You made me think of a Holocaust survivor I once interviewed. She experienced tremendous horrors, lost most of her immediate family, but yet was so kind and patient throughout her life. I found her so inspiring and compassionate. Thanks for the reminder.
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Thank you for bringing it all to mind for me. (And I loved the lawyer’s humor, too – forgot to mention that!) 🥰
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Yes, he had no problems making fun of me. Ha, ha. 🤪😎😎😎
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We like those folks — our people!!! Laughing at us…with us! 🤪🥰🤪
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So true!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
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Great post Brian and interesting info about the characteristics of the giving.
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I guess it’s proof that there really are some special people out there. Always inspiring when you come across them.
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You know cynical nature by now…..I think there are generous people out there…but still question motives of people who appear selfless. I saw the movie Cabrini the other day. She really did everything possible to help the less fortunate. But how does blinding ambition tie into it? Or people who lack self esteem and think they don’t deserve things. Balance….
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I’ll be interested in your review of Cabrini. Yes, I tend to have a cynical side of me too, but I do love when I come across folks who really do care about others. It’s so uplifting.
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It’s a generally well made and conceived movie. I thought it was too long, and a little slow, but overall a solid biopic. Interesting story, amazing woman.i think you can wait to stream…which is funny considering my post today…😆
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Yea, I’ll probably wait to stream it. That’s probably another point to bring up to your early discussion. I find that I’m much more selective in what movies I choose to see in the theater. I love going to the movie theater so I don’t know why that is, but if it’s just an average movie, I’ll wait to stream it. I’m sure the pandemic and getting out of the habit played a role in that phenomenon. Thanks for the review. I am glad that the story got made.
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“Instead of why, maybe you should be asking why not?” What a beautiful approach to generosity. This entire post was so inspiring, Brian. Thank you for sharing! Also, as Vicki mentioned, the lawyer had a great sense of humor! 🤪
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Yes, I liked that question too. Loved the optimism behind it.
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I can’t remember a time that I wasn’t volunteering for something, and I also have a strong sense of responsibility and justice. My former husband never understood it – finding it a waste of good money-making time. We’re all wired differently, I guess.
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I suspect we’re all built with some level of generosity and what we do with it from that point on is up to us. I like to help, but I definitely tend to be more cautious than my wife. She’s much more of a giver than I am. I tend to see more challenges than her.
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Sounds like a good balance.
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What wonderful role models for us. Why not? I was asked to serve on the board for our women’s group that helps trafficked women in our area. I had all these excuses why I didn’t want to do it, after serving on many boards in my old community. Then I came up with the “why not” answer. Frank Sinatra was a generous man. He would read the local Desert Sun newspaper and anonymously give to people he read about, like a woman who lived in a mobile home that burned to the ground. He bought her a new one. He did this on a daily basis and we didn’t learn about it until after his death.
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Yea, I’m always interested in those quiet acts of kindness, they really do make a difference. I try to volunteer and help where I can. I do have to fight the introverted voice in the back of my head that says it will be awkward, but I’m usually successful in telling the voice to go away. Ha, ha.
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That’s my issue too.
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I think generosity has its own reward including being good for our health! There are actual medical studies that show giving and volunteering can have measurable physical and mental health benefits – who would have thought?! I’m all in for gaining those health benefits! Great post!!!
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You’re so right AW! It’s hard to pessimistic and complaining about your own health problems when you’re volunteering and seeing the impact on others. Ha, ha.
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Oh, I got chills reading this beautiful post, Brian. It reminds me of the adage that if you want something done, give it to a busy person. It seems there is a mindset that some have that is a willingness to take on more.
Why not? Such a good question that will stick with me!
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Oh, my story strays a bit from our monthly topic “Problem Solving” but like you, I love that approach, “Why Not.” Between your piece today explaining that we can’t move forward until we face our fears and the advice of Why Not . . . I think that’s some good advice for me to follow! Thank you!!
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There does seem to be a pattern of missionary parents whose children also decide to be missionaries. It’s who they grow up with and what values they learn. On the contrary, there’s the ax murderer who has sweetheart kids who volunteer at the soup kitchen. Great post, Brian! 🙂
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Oh, that’s a fascinating element to think about Nancy. What role do we have on our kids? Yikes. I’m sure I scarred my kids one way or another. Ha, ha, but hopefully there’s still hope for them. ha, ha.
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I love the retired teacher’s response, and it has been shown that people who often have the least, donate the most
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I think some people are more prone to giving than others, but biology can’t explain all of it. More often, I believe givers are inspired or are modeling the actions of other selfless people. One of my principals used to say to the students, ‘The greatest gift is the gift of yourself.”: She did more than use words and demonstrated that concept through her actions.
My mom has since passed, but when I used to visit her at assisted living, I often saw another man visiting, going from person to person and making conversation. One day I thanked him and asked him how he started doing that. He also had an answer like your friend. “I’ve got the time, so why not.” It made an impressions on me, such that I now go to the same assisted living and read to the residents there twice a week. It never feels like work because I enjoy seeing their faces light up when I arrive. People just want someone to care.
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Oh that’s so inspiring Pete! So very true!
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Kindness and care for others sometimes seems like it’s in short supply, but really there are so many people (like the lawyer) who put this goodness out into the world. I have definitely been on the receiving end of kindness and care and it’s a wonderful thing to be able to pay it forward.
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Yes, there’s more good deeds than we know. We just don’t always see it!
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I like how your HOTM post is a nice complement to your main blog post about giving. In this case, you speak about giving back time, which is valuable and priceless on its own.
When I had more time, I used to volunteer lots and there is something gratifying about that, be it helping the elderly or what not.
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Yes, yes! These are the people who make the world tick. Their giving shoots out of their souls like fireworks. They are my heroes, and I lead my life in the same way. Thank goodness.
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“I think maybe you’re asking the wrong question Brian. Instead of why, maybe you should be asking why not?” – Love this..”why not” is the perfect response. I think that sometimes the people giving receive more than the person given to because in that moment they are being the best version of themselves. Great post! Thank you for the food for thought.
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