The Heart of the Matter

We’ve all heard certain sayings like, “When the student is ready, the teacher appears,” or “When you take one step towards to gods, they will take ten steps towards you.” I really love both of these sayings, and experience them in my life on a regular basis. And wow, has this been happening for me lately.

Firstly, let me tell you about a recent step I took towards the gods. I basically realized that I have some old resentments that I’ve been harboring towards a person from my past, and I asked the gods to help me with it. I asked them in my mind, out loud (might’ve been in the shower, or in my car, I can’t remember which), and in my journal. Prayer is so powerful if you really believe in it, ask, and then let go. But also, what happens next after you ask is usually not what you expect. Rarely is there some kind of lightening bolt or magic wand flourish that delivers our dreams to us, all silver-platter-like. No. Usually, God sends us an experience or a person to “test” how committed we are to our request. And to put it even more gently (because “test” sounds kind of negative and tough-lovey), God sends us an experience or a person that will help us work out the kinks, get things moving, and take us to the next level that we hope to get to. If we weren’t ready for the challenge, we wouldn’t have asked for help in the first place.

Photo by Laura Seaman on Unsplash

I’ve noticed that when God sends us a person to “test” us, this person is often just being themselves, doing their own thing, and not even necessarily doing anything wrong. But something in them brings out something in us.

Today, I encountered an artist whom I judged harshly (internally of course, I mean, I at least have manners). I judged the way they were talking, and acting, and I judged their art, harshly. What’s amazing though, is because I just prayed for assistance with forgiveness, I was so completely aware of my reaction. And as I was taking this artist in, I prayed in the moment to find a way to feel more compassionate towards this person. There was this part of me that knew that compassion and forgiveness go hand-in-hand, and that maybe God sent me this person to get me started on my forgiveness journey.

Once I said my little prayer in the moment, I instantly started warming to this incredibly sweet, kind, and passionately enthusiastic person. I wanted to hop out of the experience so badly, but I stuck with it, knowing that this person was sent to me today. I also received my daily Marianne Williamson email message this morning that kept me hanging in with this uncomfortable experience.

“Today I see every encounter as a sacred one, blessing anyone I meet or even think of…”

-Marianne Williamson

I actually re-read the email when I was in the midst of this experience, and realized that it doesn’t even matter if I’m being polite. If my thoughts are judgy and unloving, I’m still not really getting it.

When my interaction with this person was over, I just felt the ick. I felt the ick from the experience, but also from my reaction to the experience. And I started journaling about it. When I did this, here’s what came through (I can’t believe I’m sharing this, but you all hopefully know by now I’m not a monster, I just play one on TV).

1. Just because I don’t like their energy, their vibe, their personality, or what they’re offering, doesn’t mean I’m better than them or that they’re less than me. Some people might not be able to stomach my energy, vibe, personality, or what I have to offer!

2. This person was incredibly kind, sweet, and seemed to have their own issues, struggles, and hardships that they were working through. They were doing their best, just like me.

3. I think I’m “better” than them? Well maybe so, or maybe not, but this artist has 48k Instagram followers and I have 500! Not that these numbers matter, but in this case, maybe they do. This person has a lot to offer and many, many, many people appreciate what they are doing.

4. I actually learned something from this person that I should be doing differently in my own artistic practice.

5. If I were truly confident in myself, I wouldn’t feel the need to tear others down, even internally. So, what is going on with me that I have to put myself above others? Is it because deep down, I don’t feel very good about myself? I owe it to myself and others to explore this more.

6. If I want more love in my life and more success in my art career, I need to be more loving and celebrate the success of others.

I know I can be really hard on myself at times, so I also have to just forgive myself for these thoughts. I really don’t know if others have thoughts like this, but I imagine some might. Sharing these thoughts with you helps me to feel better about them, helps me to hold myself accountable, and really does help me to let it all go. Because if I share with you, and I’m trying to do better, what more can I do? I’m doing as good as I can with this. I honestly feel better already, now that I’ve shared it.

Photo by Alina Karpenko on Unsplash

Humility is something I’ve never had much of. But I do think there’s something to the fact that my lack of humility might be tied to my lack of self-worth. Many people tend to internalize their insecurities, spinning terrible thoughts about themselves all day long. I’m kind of the opposite, and I tend to externalize my insecurities. I have grandiose thoughts about myself at times, and project that outwardly as well. However, in some moments, I can feel crippled by insecurity and shame, and that might be the stuff that my non-humble thoughts protect me from regularly. Again, if I was really solid with myself, I’d like to think I would be really loving and accepting of everyone else around me. Humility is this amazing thing, because when we practice it, it let’s so much more love in. And it’s essentially saying to God, “I don’t know, but I know you know, and I’m willing to receive your help.” Baby steps.

So, what do you all think? Have you ever caught yourself in a judgy moment, and how did you handle? What are the ways you cultivate more humility?

Thank you always for being my witness, and I look forward to your comments!

xo, Libby

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