The Heart of the Matter

I’ve been avoiding the blogosphere for months now. And do you know why? Because I finally decided to date someone I really like. And whenever I do that, my world turns upside down, all hell breaks loose in my nervous system, and I become unrecognizable to myself. Actually, that last part isn’t true. I definitely recognize this part of myself. She’s been with me for decades, and she hasn’t gone anywhere. I just don’t like the look of her all that much. So over the years, I’ve performed the cunning act of dating people I’m kinda eh about. Because when I’m eh about someone, I don’t lose myself. And when I like someone, my wounds and demons emerge like boils on a toad’s back, which is never fun.

Also, I like to be in control. And passion makes me feel out of control. So, there’s that.

Photo by Alejandra Quiroz on Unsplash

THE HOT GUY

I’m dating this man right now, and I’ll be honest and say that he’s 100% my ideal, at least physically. Although he has a lot of other internal, emotional bits and pieces that I’m a huge fan of as well. But, I’ll focus on the exterior for the moment and say that I almost never go for my physical ideal. Because I have historically never believed I was hot enough or good enough. I have always felt inferior around “hot guys” and have consistently held the idea that I’m too quirky, too whacky, too klutzy, too dorky, and perhaps too flabby for a hot guy. Yes, I’m pretty, but that’s not enough to ride the hot guy wave. Instead, my strategy was always to choose someone not in my league, but below my league (apologies for the terribly superficial portion of this post). Because if I dated someone below my league, there was no way they would ever leave me. They’d be happy to have me, and therefore I would never be abandoned in love. Funny enough, that strategy has also repeatedly blown up in my face. Because what guy wants to be with a woman he feels not good enough for?

So, back to this hot guy for a moment. He’s a dream boat, for real. And after a full year of dating several men (post-painful-breakup), I have experienced a handful of really, really bad kissers. I never really realized how important kissing was until I experienced legitimately bad kissing. And after my last date from heck, I really just begged the Universe to send me someone who could kiss. And hot damn, did he come along a week later! And holy hell does he have a lot more than kissing that excites me. We haven’t slept together yet, which I will get to later. But our chemistry is off the charts. The attraction is intense, and reciprocal, and it feels delicious. He wants me very, very badly. And I want him very, very badly. And even a harmless little make out session has felt as intense as sex, because the chemistry is just so beautiful. I love his mouth, it’s perfect. And I want his soft scruff to caress my face, all day long, every day, for life. I love his bulging biceps, and his hands on my body literally make me open and surrender on cue. I melt and collapse into ecstasy when he touches me. And I don’t think I’ve ever had a man make me feel this way.

Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash

THE PROBLEM

Here’s the problem. He’s not very available for a relationship right now, for his own personal growth reasons that I won’t get into here, but that I utterly respect and honor. And at the same time, he would like to keep things going, but at a much slower pace than I would like. And despite the fact that he wants to bang me more than anything, he’s trying not to rush into that. He doesn’t want to hurt me, and knows he only has so much to give at the moment. And he knows his pattern of historically rushing into sex and then bolting (how are people built that way, honestly?!). So, he’s being very honest with me, trying to do better for himself, and being very transparent with me about what he has to give.

I know what you’re thinking. Just sleep with him and enjoy it!!! Why does it need to be a serious thing? Just enjoy the physical and have fun!!

I get it, and I get that that’s a thing that many people are capable of doing. But I’m not one of those people. Sex, love, passion, relationship, and commitment have always intermingled in my mind and my heart. I know myself and I don’t know if I could ever just enjoy the sex without all of the other delicious bits that go along with it. It’s also difficult because we don’t just have insane chemistry. We have a ton of fun together, really get along, have much in common, and just really enjoy each other. We have also been honest and vulnerable in our many getting-to-know-you conversations. So it feels like there’s so much potential. But he’s just not ready.

WHAT DO I DO?

So, where does that leave me? It leaves me spinning after we spend time together. It leaves me wanting more, so much more, but getting push back when I reach for just a smidge. It leaves me feeling confused, and insecure, and addicted, and deprived. And worst of all, it leaves me blaming myself for liking him too much.

When really, the situation just sucks. And I don’t even think it’s the fact that I’m so attracted to him that makes me so insecure. Although, that doesn’t help. It’s his unavailability. But, if I was in my comfort zone of pure and utter eh-ness, I’d be like, eh, whatever. However, since I want him so badly, I find myself willing to wait for who knows what? And choking on the crumbs he’s offering.

“Where there is desire there is gonna be a flame. Where there is a flame someone’s bound to get burned. But just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die. You’ve gotta get up and try, and try, and try…”

-Pink “Try”

I’m ready for love, and I’m available for a relationship. That’s a beautiful thing, and there is zero wrong with that. He’s not ready for a relationship and he’s working on his stuff, remaining honest with me about all of it. So the situation just sucks. And I suppose if he was being a bit more humane, he would just let me go. But he’s not.

The goddess in me would say F*@$ THIS SITUATION!!! But his mouth on my body dismisses all goddess reason. And Aphrodite always trumps Artemis when it comes to this kind of thing.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

DEEP WOUNDING

I often blame myself in these situations and do a deep dive of self-inflicted abuse in moments of vulnerability. And this is where the aforementioned bubbling boils come into play.

I have an older sister whom I used to worship when I was a young girl. She was the coolest, most beautiful, most fun person in the world, and all I wanted was to be around her. And for whatever reason, she just didn’t seem to like me very much, and always preferred my twin sister. She told me this often and also repeatedly used the word “annoying” to describe me. To this day, if someone I really like finds me annoying, I can easily break into tears over it, even in public. The wound is very deep, and yet just under the surface.

So, when I like someone and he’s not conventionally liking me back by way of relationship commitment, I feel disgusting and shameful. I feel clingy and pathetic, and I feel like I deserve the dismissal I’m getting, because who could ever love or want someone so annoying as me?

TURN THAT SHIT AROUND LIB

One of my dearest blogging friends, Natalie of The Hot Goddess, said this to me several weeks ago when this whole thing began. And when I was feeling very negative and cynical about the whole thing. And perhaps rightly so. But, at the same time, where does expecting the worse get anyone?

“Try not to say/think the prob crash and burn stuff though. I do that shit ALL the time, like it’s going to protect my feelings when shit does get f*@$ed. But it doesn’t work that way. Soak in all these good feels, and feelings, and radiate them back out with your badass goddess energy. No bad thoughts. No “this prolly ain’t gonna last” bullshit. It will be what it will be, and you deserve it to be awesome. No self-fulfilling prophecy shit allowed! You got this Libby!

-My amazing goddess friend

HEALING AFFIRMATIONS I’VE BEEN REPEATING TO MYSELF

1. You are beautiful for opening yourself to someone.
2. There is nothing wrong with wanting your love reciprocated.
3. You are lovable no matter what happens in this situation.
4. You were never wrong for wanting her to love you back.
5. Your tender heart is so beautiful.
6. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be closer to someone.
7. Trust yourself and just let go.

You know, I really don’t know what’s going to happen with this delicious and nutritious fella, I really don’t. And you can be CERTAIN I am leaving this as a To Be Continued ending. But wow, do I feel lucky to have been so supported through these last few weeks of high intensity emotions. All of my loved ones, across the board, regardless of their opinion about my love life, always advocate for ME! They know and love the me that’s lovely and lovable. And in the end, that’s all that matters.

So, I ask you, What ways do you abandon yourself in life, or talk to yourself in negative ways? What do you do to turn the shame and self-hate around? Are there affirmations that have helped you in times of self-inflicted abuse? Do you have people in your life reminding you of how much you kick ass? If not, let that be me. Girl, you kick ass, no matter what you’ve done, or said, or didn’t do, or didn’t say. You are beautiful and lovable as your perfectly imperfect goddess self. xo

Check out Libby’s bio on Our Team page. And follow her on Instagram @thegoddessattainable