Deep Listening

Posted on by Wynne Leon

One of my favorite quotes about listening is:

“If you want to be truly understood, you need to say everything three times, in three different ways. Once for each ear… and once for the heart.”

Paula Underwood Spencer

I was reminded of that quote because this Friday we will be releasing our 60th Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast. Mark your calendars – as always, it’s an insightful and interesting episode with the esteemed Dr. Gerald Stein about the perils of prediction.

All these episodes that Vicki and I have hosted have taught me some great lessons about listening.

You Have to Show Up

We don’t always know the last name of our guests or where they are Zooming in from, but they have all shown up ready to talk about the topic at hand. That is, they share their personal stories and their experiences wherever the conversation goes. It is difficult to do, especially when you are talking with people that you’ve never met before.

This has taught me how hard it is to show up – and how incredibly vital. When I have guests over for dinner at my house, I often try to listen while I’m cooking, and also keeping an ear out for homework questions. I’ve never recorded one of those conversations, but I can tell you that I’m quite sure I’m not showing up.

Active Listening Is Hard

Vicki is so good at summarizing statements and honing in on the point with guests. Not surprising given her background as a therapist. Even outside the therapeutic context, it’s such an effective listening tool. It makes the speaker feel heard, it helps to retain the focus, and it elicits more details.

But even as hard as we are trying for those 30-60 minutes we are recording, both Vicki and I have noted that when listening back to conversations, we hear things we didn’t when we participated in the conversations. I listen three times to episodes – once when we record, once when I put the episode together, and once after it airs. It is a different conversation each time. It reminds me that when talking with loved ones, not to be afraid to ask them to say something again.

Loose Threads Are Distracting

One of the things that strikes me when I listen multiple times is the details that come out as we ask questions. Often the person speaking is seeing things from their perspective. The interaction helps to surface what strikes the listener as an unanswered point.

Hearing this back and forth has made me more cognizant of not leaving loose threads in my writing. If I am fuzzy on the details, I need to own that instead of gloss over it. It’s a small point but one that seems to create a more satisfying reading or listening experience instead of slightly uneasy one.

I think it’s fair to say that most of us don’t tape our conversations and listen back to them. That would just be weird. 🙂 But it’s a little fascinating to listen back when we do. Saying things three times in three different way sounds just about right to me!

Search (and subscribe!) for Sharing the Heart of the Matter on Apple, Amazon, Spotify or Pocket Casts to hear any of our published episodes!

(featured photo from Pexels)

30 thoughts on “Deep Listening”

  1. I find that there are times that not only listening more than once or twice but also having a written transcript to refer to would be enormously helpful when I really want to understand something! That may sound a bit silly or trivial but I can think back to many conversations that I could replay over and over to learn more and still welcome the ability to take notes as well 🙂 Great thoughts to ponder here Wynne, thanks!

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    1. Yes! Wouldn’t a written transcript be helpful? Something when things unravel and it feels like “what the heck happened?” and you could know? I’m with you, Deb, some certainty would be great but limp along trying to figure out how best to listen since it’s often unavailable. 🙂

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  2. I love the Paula Underwood Spencer quote. 🥰
    I don’t know how it happens, but we are in alignment about blogging topics this week, dear Wynne. It’s synergy…or something. Comes from deep listening? I dunno, but I love your post and the links that showcase some of the wonderful people we’ve listened to…and learned from. xo!

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  4. Thanks for allowing guests with unknown full names on your podcast. 😊

    I appreciate this whole post. I think what stood out to me was the loose threads part. Maybe because my whole life seems to be loose threads? But in writing, I definitely see the need to present a cohesive, connected fabric. Thank you.

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    1. We love our guest with unknown full name… 🙂

      I love that you picked up on the loose thread. Listening to these podcasts back, I hear the questions that elicit info that doesn’t come out until asked. I’m fascinated by that interplay. It’s really made me think about how that presents in writing.

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  5. Well said, Wynne. Another variable is the amount of time that passes between the attempts to listen to such recordings. If we have old recordings, we age between the time of the interview and new effort to listen to it.

    The interview subject remains just as he or she was when the recording was made, but we have aged and our perspective is different.

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  7. What a great quote, and I can’t help but wonder what those three ways of speaking are–perhaps pure logic, exciting details, an emotional-driven tale? In anything we do, it’s valuable to not only speak our mind, but consider the audience, mind the distractions, and fully engage. To master that skill set is a gift, and you and Vicki are superstars (all your guests, too!).

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    1. Oh, that’s a great list of what the three different ways might be. I assumed something along the lines of at different times/moods might change it but perhaps it’s content as well.

      And thank you for the compliment. It’s a lot easier when there are two of us, that’s for sure!

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      2. Good point. Or once, the guest walked across the room to let his dog out. There was no change in his voice and the flow was uninterrupted – but I didn’t hear a thing he said while he was moving. 🙂

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  9. This reminds me of an image I plucked out of a calendar years ago that I keep at my work desk. It states “All people need is a good listening to”. I like how it turns that tired old phrase “she/he/they need a good talking to!” on its head.

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  13. Congrats on your 60th episode, Wynne and Vicki!

    Active listening is so hard especially in this age of constant distraction from our devices and with other demands such as our kids and exhaustion. But it is a wonderful and vital skill.

    I can tell from your interviews how engaged you are as an active listener!

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